How to get Dr. Irene's Advice: Look here!

Ask The Doc Board

The CatBox Archives

 

(Archives)

4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

I AM Going To Stop!

My Story: I AM Going To Stop!

"Nine-tenths of wisdom is being wise in time."
- Theodore Roosevelt

August 6, 2002

As I watched my husband pull out of the driveway last Sunday night, all I could feel was anger. I couldn't believe that he would just leave rather than hash out our problems AGAIN! I called him, yelling and screaming for  him to get back here "right now!" Of course, that didn't work, and he spent the night at his sisters. All night I cried, thinking of how much of a jerk he was, and he would be back in the morning. Well, he did come back, but to pick our 3 year old up for breakfast. When he returned, he told me he wanted a divorce. He couldn't do this (our marriage) anymore. He was not happy.

Here I was, a mother of a 3 year old and a 4 month old, no job, and this jerk wanted a divorce? With the only reason being he isn't satisfied with our relationship and is "not happy?" What about my happiness and our children's?

Wasn't it his job to think of us too? I told him it wasn't fair, that he is one person who can't figure out that his actions were causing him to be unhappy, and the 3 of us get to suffer the consequences of his leaving. Well, at some point throughout the day, through the midst of my tears, I realized he was serious!  (We have had these discussions before.) 

I started packing up the kids and our personal things to head for my mother's. Before we left, I begged and pleaded for him to reconsider, but he wouldn't. We decided that I would keep the kids, and almost everything in the house (that I couldn't afford to keep), and he would play weekend dad. The trip to my mother's was a very long 2 hour drive for me. I realized that even though he was asking for the divorce, our marriage had been loosing its luster for a long time; I just couldn't figure out why.

The first day apart was very hard. He would call to talk to the kids, and before I would give them the phone, I would beg and plead for reconciliation, which didn't work. Feeling quite sad being away from his children, 2 days later he asked me to come back and stay until we could afford to buy me and the kids a place close enough for him to see them whenever he could. I jumped at the chance, thinking it would somehow all work out. I knew I could say and do certain things to make him see that it could be all right.

After 4 days of living with no hugs, kisses, or even "I love you" on the phone, I came to a realization - almost all of this had been my doing!  Yes, I was mad and hurt, but what struck me as odd, is that I was coming up with a plan to get him back. I was actually writing a "script" down on paper of what to say and how to say it. VERY manipulative, huh?? ( Fortunately, I didn't have to do that. Yesterday my husband decided he didn't want to get divorced. He loves me and wants to try to work this out. I don't know why, but I am VERY grateful for this chance, and hope I get it right!)

That's when I realized that I had controlling behavior and stumbled across your web sight. I've noticed that it is mostly the men with this behavior, but all of the content did pertain to me. I read bits and pieces of "how to's" and am going to talk to my husband and let him know just what I am doing to him, and that no matter how hard it will be, I AM going to stop.

It will take time, and I might backtrack every now and then, but I want him to tell me when I am doing this. I hope I get it right. If not, next time, there won't be second chances, and I refuse to ruin my husband, my children, and most importantly, myself. I can and will change. Thank you for all the personal insight all of your stories and advice.

Yipppeee! You can do it! GREAT attitude. Doc