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Doc@DrIrene.com

Remarried Ex and Oh Boy...

ReMarried Ex and Oh Boy...

"The most unhappy of all men is he who believes himself to be 
so." -David Hume

December 25, 2000

Dr. Irene:

I recently remarried my ex-husband whom I divorced over 21 years ago.  Our story read like something of a fairytale.   It was an answer to both out prayers and we love each other very much.

For me it is turning into a real nightmare.   After our divorce, my husband married on the rebound.  His version of the story was that he his ex-wife was very controlling and that the last few years of the marriage were very bad.  The upshot was that they had a wonderful son who is now 17 years old.  Further, I now have the child that I never thought that I would have and I love him very much.

The problem is that my husband is still carrying a pretty big bag of rocks. It turns out that he had a bout with alcoholism, anti-depressants and suicide.   Yes, I knew about this before we married.  I believed in the man that I knew.  He was a kind hearted, gentleman.

The man that I am married to now is so consumed with anger and any little thing will cause it to erupt.   I am fearful of him.  I don't think that he would hit me, but I know that anger and hostility of any kind is not something to engage in.

I relocated from a large city and I am suffering from culture shock.   My career has taken a major set back and I have a real
problem finding a job.  My husband works a lot and in the beginning, I had a lot of time on my hands.

When he gets angry, he yells and screams.  His words are always cruel and always, it is something that I did or someway that I do not measure up.  It is a real battle of wills to keep my self esteem up.  His temper tantrums range from leaving the mail box open, to mismatched socks, to housecleaning.

Tonight, two nights before Christmas, I came home from school to let him know that I got an email and was offered a very good job.  I found in a tyrant because I had washed his sweaters and they had lint on them.  Last Christmas, he went off on a tirade and left me in tears.  Then he and his son went out for a Christmas dinner without me.  All I wanted for Christmas this year was a peaceful family Christmas.

I could see this anger coming on.  He has a lot on him.  I knew that it
would only be a matter of time before he erupted at me.  All I wanted was for him to just hang on until after Christmas.  He will not go for help. You see, he thinks that I am the one with the problem. Yes: him! 

I joined a group called x-house.  This is a shelter for abused women
(abuse of all types).  They have a very good support group and I can go in secrecy.   I went back to school to retrain for this market and also, so I wouldn't be so lonely.

Tonight, after his tirade, I left and drove around for a while.  Right now we are quiet and are in two different rooms.  If I had one Christmas wish, I would combine the good traits of both ex-husbands to make one good one.   My second husband was a college professor.  He was intelligent, civil, polished and tranquil.  However, he was unfaithful and unreliable and although we
had a terrific sex life, I had no real passion for him.   

My husband is the love of my life.  I carry him in my heart everyday.   He is truthful, reliable, dependable and hard working.  I have a passion for him, that I have for no other man.  Although our sex life is sporadic.   But I can't fix or control his anger and I don't want undertake that task even if I could.

I can't imagine life without him, but I think about running.  Tonight, was a cut off switch.   He told me a story about his ex-wife wanting to change his name.  He said that was his cut off switch, a turning point.  tonight, this outburst, his second Christmas present was also a turning point.

I have about 16 more months in school.  Right now I am trapped.  We have a house and I can not support myself.  Truthfully, I don't want to leave him.  I am out of coping skills.  Any suggestions? Veronica

I want to read the posts.