How to get Dr. Irene's Advice: Look here!

Ask The Doc Board

The CatBox Archives

 

(Archives)

4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments for Remarried Ex

Comments for ReMarried Ex 

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com
 

 

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 26, 2000

S1

There must have been a reason you divorced your ex husband in the first place. Fairytales, unfortunately don't always have happy endings.

Depression has a huge effect not just on the person who is depressed but the whole family. My experience is that your normal personality changes. it tkaes a long time to recover and it sounds like yur husband still needs to be seeing a doctor.

He is losing it over any and every little thing. One thing you need to hold onto is this is NOT about you. It sounds to me (and believe me I do know what I am talking about as I have been depressed) that it is the depression talking.

That doesn't excuse or make the bad behaviour right. But having got stuck myself in anger, you do displace it. Usually on someone you can trust. Inside of the depression you don't see this.

I think you are doing the right thing going to the group and to school. Try to ralk to your husband when he is not in one of the moods.

One hting you will need to accept is the dream man with all the right qualities doesn't exist. Who you are married to now is who you are maried to and that is his personality now whatever it was in the past.

If you aren't going to leave, then you need to be very sure that by staying it is not going to destroy you. You won't help either of you if that happens.

love jay

 

 

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 26, 2000

S1

It's fun to have "passion" for somebody, but at what price? He ruined last Christmas and this one, too. Any guesses on what will happen next Christmas unless you (YOU!) do something? (Because HE obviously is not changing at this point, and doesn't want to). You can do this: accept that he has an anger problem and intends to take it out on you, develop a thicker skin, and don't let it upset you. Not my best choice, but you choose, not me. Second choice- up and out the door with the nothing but the clothes on your back. Maybe that's what you did last time, but you're back together, so that alone may not work. (In ten years, will you decide Third Time's the Charm, and go through this yet again?) Tell him what you just told us. This guy's not mad at you (lint on sweaters? mismatched socks?), he just enjoys his tirades. He must think that's how he is supposed to be. Ask him, remember when we split up last time? How awful did you feel? And remember how good you felt when we reuinited? Well, you're going to feel that awful way again unless you stop your verbal abuse. There's "passion" in abuse. Perhaps you're looking for passion in the wrong venue. Stay in school, whatever you do. Your most reasonable alternative plan may be a combination- thicker skin until you can get a good job and afford a house of your own. One handy tip- when I encounter verbal abuse, I don't defend myself, I simply say, well, maybe your right, but we're not discussing me right now, we're talking about your words. "Agreeing" by saying "Maybe, but.." disarms an abuser somewhat. Calm repetition helps.

 

  

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 29, 2000

S1

Sixteen months-get financial aid. Suppose he died and left you nothing. You sound as if you would survive.

Here it is as plain as plain can be. I learned to think this way after a relationship with a man whon I met when we were teens, married him at 18 and after 32 years, I'm claiming my life and well being.

1. Judge people by 2 ways- gentle spirits and tormented souls. 2. He does not find value in the things that should have value because he is self-centered. 3. He controls others brecause he has no self control. At this point in his life it would take years to develop a person of character. 4. Joy, peace, kindness, love are virtures that are to be admired. They are called fruits of the spirit in the Bible. He does not understand them. Instead he replaces them with saddnes, torment strife and bitterness. Something he understands and is familiar to him. That is what he has to share.

I believe you are too good at times. Come to terms that you cannot change this. You did not cause this behavior in him, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

Take your energy and invest in yourself. Now when I come home and turn the key to enter, I know what awaits me on the other side.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 30, 2000

S1

Veronica, I am in a simalar situation. My husband is a loose cannon, and I never no when it is safe to talk to him. He has NEVER hit me, but I have many busted doors in my home, and his mouth is something less than desirable. I have 3 small children, and one due in March. I work full time, but I do not make enough to pay the bills. I dont have a solution to your problem, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. If you would like to talk, please e mail me... I know I could use a friend. Good luck, Jennifer blondiegirl_29@yahoo.com

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, January 07, 2001

S1

Dear veronica, Your letter brought tears to my eyes. I know the feeling of being trapped. I love my husband and can't imagine life without him, but is it really life, living the way you've been living?

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 09, 2001

S1

Veronica.....if you think you can stay, get really busy. I mean really busy. Join a gym, a support group, church or whatever you can to stay away as much as possible. BE SAFE. then when you see him you won't mind the crap he is pulling as much... because you will have a light at the end of the tunnel. Unless it gets physical at least. But I don't know if you can handle it that long without it causing you some major depression issues. I know the social services area in Washington State will help you kepp going to school. Does he know when your classes are? If not, hide everything that has your scheduel on it, and make sure they will not give it out at school if you decide to leave. You might just want to take the job and do some night school. Hang in there, and keep posting the latest. I have been through this too. It is not easy. Laura

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 12, 2001

S1

Dear Veronica,

I left "the love of my life" 13 months ago. I miss him and I still love him. I do not understand how he could be the greatest, most "loving", tender man and then an absolute tyrant. I don't think I ever will. I also don't understand how he could invest 4 years of his life with me and not even try to change to keep the relationship going. (I left him.)

Regardless of those thoughts and feelings, I know I did the right thing. An abusive relationship kills the abused. I did not want to live the rest of my life on a roller coaster or making myself small to appease him. You see, it was killing my spirit.

Yes, I love him! And yes, I had to leave to preserve myself. Those two things seem in opposition, but in the end, we are responsible for taking care of ourselves first. Good luck and take care of yourself...its your responsibility.

Been there.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 25, 2001

S1

Well Veronica...

First of all it is not very advisable to judge a situation of 'conflict' from the account of only one side. It would be interesting to hear your husband's side too.

Second, is the offer of my shoulder so you can cry all you need. It seems appropriate. You seem so full of self pity for the situation you find yourself in. It sounds very unpleasant. So you need to cry?

Then you might go back to what you have written and count how many times you use that magic little word "I". It speaks volumes.

If you need a further hint you might go back to the beginning of your account and read:

"I now have the child that I never thought that I would have and I love him very much."

It sounds so lovely but in the circustances it might sound more 'natural' to say :

"WE now have the child that WE never thought that WE would have and WE love him very much."

Then one might ask what the reason of your first divorce was - you do not mention it. Whatever it was, it must have been big enough to decide to end that marriage.

From that follows on the next question which is: "What made you think that things would be different AND better this time?"

Then you say that you divorced this man 21 yrs ago. That makes you around 40. And then you say you could not support yourself? Have you never worked? Not even in-between marriages?

Another question to ask is whether he is abusive to everybody. Did he also abuse his ex? Does he abuse his son, his work associates? If not why not?

Even accepting your 'complaint' of your husband being abusive, is the support he's offering you worth your self respect and the misery?

If it is, then just accept the abuse and if it is not then you just pick up what's left of your self respect and get out.

Making Christmas wishes that you can combine your two imperfect husbands to make a single perfect one is just childish.

It would be much more useful to rethink where you go wrong. Oh yes, you do. If nothing else in the choice of a husband... No need to feel bad about that. Jesus Christ Himself was only 75% successful. Out of 12 disciples, one doubted him, one denied him and one actually betrayed him...

There's a lot more to say about this, like your sporadic sex life... But the main thing is to understand that life is short and it is only yourself that you can do something about. -Dry your tears. -Smile -And go for it! NOW!

If you need to talk some more about this you can e-mail me. I'll answer.

calothis@hotmail.com

 

 

 

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, March 29, 2002

S1

Veronica, I am very young. In fact, I am only eighteen years old. However, I have already been in a verbally abusive relationship for over a year. And through this experience I know that a verbally abusive man, or an abusive man of any degree or type, will never give you what you need. Relationships should not feel like dragging a three ton rock behind you. Your husband is an angry man and is acting like a child because on the inside he IS a child. He may very well be the love of your life, but ask yourself: are those great qualities you describe in him what you think he COULD BE, or what HE IS? No matter what you do, the little kid in him will always be there to blame you for everything that goes wrong. I say leave him, tell him he's got a problem and that you deserve better. BECAUSE YOU DO DESERVE BETTER. And as soon as you truly believe that, you'll find a man that feels the same way. CAS, South Texas

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, November 14, 2002

S1

Hang on and start distancing yourself from him and his anger. Peacefully walk away or avoid the situations that may make him angry. You need to start living for yourself, but live with him until you get out of school. When you get out of school give him an ultimatum. He has one week to find a therapist for his anger or your gone. If he finds a therapist request that after 3 months of individual therapy for himself, that you and he will attend marriage counseling/therapy (in addition to his individual therapy). If he refuses then leave. Trust me- Don't show any mercy- If he really loves you he will do as you ask.