Sent: Saturday, October 09, 1999
Subject: I Feel Less Guilty
Thank you for your advice. I would also like to thank you for posting the response from a reader. I agree with her
wholeheartedly about adultery. I feel that in my current emotional state,
the consequences of choosing to date could potentially be disastrous. She
is right about the lack of morals in our society contributing to the
demise of many a marriage. I would like to suggest that not only is this
behavior destructive, it is undignified.
My letter was not about infidelity.
It was about my abusive husband fabricating reasons out of the thin air to
rage at me! He took a situation in which I was taking a much needed break
from work and school to go to dinner with my sister and attached an
ulterior motive to it! He is inventing reality to suit his own needs. He
has no ability to see his behavior as abusive, therefore he does not
comprehend why I left him. After all he was such a good husband!! This new
twist of accusations is that much more painful because it has dawned on me
fully how his "reality" is so absolutely distorted. I very much
appreciated it when you said in your advice that I could date, not because
I want to, but because I am a grown-up and am responsible for my own
No-one has the right to demand that I comply with their expectations of
me! My guilt over getting the restraining order has subsided. When I did
the exercise you suggested I found that the thinking I was doing was
irrational. Things especially that he has said since the separation began
have been weighing me down. I found myself thinking "look what I've
done to my family" and "how embarrassing" and the biggie
"this is my son's father."
Now I can see that he did this. He broke the vows a long time ago by
treating us like we were there to meet his needs and to take care of his
ever increasing emotional demands. He dumped me long before the separation
by acting like a terrorist and dumping his garbage on me whenever he felt
like it!! Today I don't feel guilty one bit, in fact I wish I would have
done this years ago. It feels so good to have my life back. There is no
way to describe the joy I feel to spend a quiet evening with my son, or
the immense satisfaction I get from paying my bills. I now know I can make
it on my own.
This journey into the unknown is scary at times, but I am learning to
trust that things will work out. With the tyrannical presence of my
husband across town I am free to become myself. Thank you so much for the
wonderful support, Dr. Irene. -Monica
And thank you! Glad
the technique worked - always does when applied correctly! Keep it up.
Especially when you find new "layers" of guilt (and you will).
You've begun to
take your power. Good for you!