November 4, 2002
J's very sad story began on these pages long ago,
in 1998. This is
one man's journal of his marriage to a narcissist... J's saga starts
here and this is what J
sent me today. Doc.
The final chapter of Yolanda and J can now be written. I got
married to Yolanda in June of 2000 and we went home to live in her
house in the Bronx, NY, a place where I vowed I would never live.
From the time we got back home from the honeymoon I realized that
the marriage was not what I had expected nor what I deserved. After
having done so much for this relationship and having taken Yolanda
back when she had dumped me on two previous occasions, I expected
something more from a marriage with her. I have no idea in hindsite why I expected her to
change. Perhaps I just believed the words that were coming from
her mouth although they often betrayed her actions. She told me that
she would be great to me once we were married.
First of all, we got back from the honeymoon to find her estranged
parents sleeping in our house. This went on for about two weeks when
her father finally went home to his country. This was not before he
managed to make her spend hundreds of dollars from our now pooled
income to buy him a television and other nice things from COSTCO.
These were gifts that he would present to his family over there under
the guise that they actually came from him. Her mother did not leave
for another two weeks. This took us to the end of July, one month
after that blessed wedding day.
By the end of the summer I realized that this marriage would not be
special at all for me. She never, ever treated me as if I was her
husband. I tried to make this marriage work, but I was fighting a
losing battle because I was the only one willing to try. She only did
one thing for me - and that was to cook. That was the way Yolanda showed
love...by cooking for her man. Having been single for years and having
learned to live on and love simple meals, I was not really interested
in loading myself up with spoonfuls of rice and chicken every evening.
This was all that she ever really did for me.
Intimacy suffered because she just did not want me. She became
distant, withdrawing to her mother, who had by then come back to visit
for another three month stretch right before Thanksgiving.
By January, I realized that Yolanda was not in love with me, and I
began to suspect that she was either cheating on me or she was
preparing for something that was not going to include me.
Being a narcissist who needed to look perfect, Yolanda had her
stomach fixed before we got married, saying that she would feel more
comfortable in bed with me if she did it. In February, she had totally
inappropriate and unnecessary liposuction on her thighs. The surgery
only succeeded in putting our love life out of commission for a whole
month, so the one or two days a week of intimacy became more than four
weeks of nothing. It was during that time that I had scheduled a
vasectomy because we had discussed having children and we both agreed
we did not want them. I went to the first appointment and was all ready
to have it done when two friends from work persuaded me not to have
the surgery - because they knew how miserable I was in my marriage.
Yolanda went to her country during the Easter season for two weeks.
We agreed not to talk to one another because of how unhappy our
marriage had made us. She was acting even more strange than usual. I
began to snoop and found that she was writing in her journal. I
managed to get the journal, bring it to work and photocopy it. Since
it was written in Spanish, I needed an interpreter. The person who
interpreted it said, "I feel so sorry for you." Yolanda had been
writing about her ex-husband, saying that she wanted desperately to be
back in his arms.
I decided to take a different route, thinking that I should speak
with her ex-husband. Looking back I have no idea what I expected to
achieve, but I had to do it. He told me that the problems I was
having with her were not new...he had the same issues with Yolanda. We
went to a marriage counselor and Yolanda sat there with folded arms
saying that I was a rotten man, not worthy of her. I knew then that I
was only going to be with her for a very short time. She even began to
talk about him in a very positive light while we were in bed together.
She started to say that she should have another child with him. This
was when we were still married, mind you.
The next day, only five minutes after having sexual intercourse,
Yolanda told me she wanted a divorce. I was shocked and I had to ask
her once again if she meant what she said. She said yes, she wanted a
divorce. I got up but Yolanda did not want me to leave. She wanted me
to stay in her bed. I told her that I did not want to sleep with her
anymore. I spent the night on the couch. Yolanda spent half of the
night staring at me while I tossed and turned.
The marriage ended when Yolanda threatened to call the cops on me
for no apparent reason. I came home one night and saw that an
alcoholic family friend of hers was staying the night, and she began to
yell at me while I was on the phone with my police officer brother. My
brother reminded me that my career was in jeopardy, so he told me
to come stay with him. I stayed there for several months before
finding a nice condominium to purchase.
I stopped talking to Yolanda right after I left her house. She had
made me completely miserable, unhappy and totally confused. I did
things that I would not otherwise consider - like dating and even
becoming intimate with a woman I did not love. I regret what I did to
She decided to file for an annulment, claiming that I refused to
have children with her even though we had agreed not to have children.
I signed the papers because it was no use fighting. She never loved me
and I knew what her next step would be. Our divorce was finalized in
December of 2001.
In October of 2002 I heard that Yolanda is now pregnant. She
remarried her first husband only a few months after our divorce was
finalized. I see her once a month because we work in the same
profession in the same city. I will be forced to watch the woman I
loved get larger and larger and then give birth to another man's
There are many lessons to be learned from my experience. First of
all, do not try to reclaim a relationship that did not work once. It
will not work the second or third time. Also, do not become involved
with a narcissist.
They cannot love; they simply hop from man to man looking for
something they will never appreciate. Third, do not date where you
work. This was a fatal mistake from the beginning. I had to see this
woman at work after I broke up with her. Fourth, do not date until you
are ready. I have so many regrets because I dated a number of women
immediately after Yolanda and it was never right. It is more than a
year since my last date and I am still not ready to date anyone. I do
not plan to date or marry again, but I know that if it is in God's plan
I will be ultra careful about the woman I share my life with.
Another lesson that I learned was that God is good all of the time.
Trust in Him and you will not go wrong. Pray to God and ask Him to
guide you. I thought I was doing the right thing in marrying Yolanda,
but I wound up making a huge mess of my life. I cannot ever reclaim
this lost time or the fact that I have now been married twice. If I
ever meet that sweet, decent woman, what are my chances that she will
find my past to be of comfort? Will she be able to overlook these huge
mistakes? Yes J. But only if she really loves
you... I'm glad you're finally free. Take care of yourSelf and may
God bless you always. Dr. Irene
Take Care, J
I want to
read the posts.