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4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

An Angry Person's Pain

Update: An Angry Person's Pain

September 13, 2000 

Hi Dr. Irene, Hi Bill

Need to vent a bit. As some of you know I'm an abuser that has decided to change his behavior. I've posted with you earlier as "Recovering Abuser Speaks" named Bill around the first of August. 

My wife moved out the first of July. And I might add, she is doing pretty good considering the emotions that are involved. Well, today what I hope would never happen has happened. Got the letter from her attorney that she is filing for disillusionment (or a no fault divorce). This comes two days after I sent my letter of apology to her. She said the letter of apology was a tearjerker and that she was bitter, angry, etc. and could not consider an apology at this time. (Talk about exercising your Personal Power.) I can understand that since she was in the process of filing for divorce.

Asked her to give it some time and she stated that she has had enough. She also stated that she could not live this way any more with me.

In the many times that we We? Our outbursts? have had outbursts I frequently stated that she "needed the strong silent type in her life." Those words used as a controlling remark by me because I knew she really loved me have come back to haunt me. Right now she is angry, bitter, mad, etc., because, in my opinion, she is telling me that I was the one that wanted the divorce and now I don't. Oh, I did make the remarks -- but I never really meant them. I know that Bill; she doesn't. All your wife knows is that your words hurt. Big time.

Also, she said that when she moved out, she wasn't moving out for just a couple of months. That she didn't spend the money so she could turn around and move back in here. I hear her pain and I understand her source of anger. I really do. But it is too late. It's never too late...

Told her that I would handle the disillusionment with dignity and not do anything that would be considered disruptive. Good for you! That I would be honest and fair in how this would be handled. If nothing else, that would be a sign that I truly loved her. Yes.

Today I have therapy (how is that for timing -Excellent!) and the therapist had asked if I could get her to come one time. He did not tell me why he wanted her here. So I asked if she would come, and she got back to me and said "yes." She is in fear that she is going to be blind sided. I told her that if she felt trapped or blind sided, she should just get up and leave because I didn't want her to be put in that position. I really believe that the only reason she is going is to say that it is over in front of my therapist - is so I will finally accept that the marriage is over (like I had a choice).

I've never seen two people in such pain. Damn tears running down my face again. Getting very emotional. But then because I love her, I should feel this way. Dr. Irene you have told me I needed to get in touch with my feelings -- believe me I'm in touch. You are certainly getting in touch. Good for you!

So why am I writing? To express my feelings, to let other abusers know that the damage that they create is devastating, and, most importantly, to ask all of you all to say a little prayer that this will work out well for all involved regardless of the final direction. You have mine.

As a side note, she is reading the Evans book that I purchased for her and is just getting into Chapter 4. I figured that the book would do one of two things: drive her away for good or,  let here know that I have learned what I did was wrong and that I was on the road to recovery (finally). Perhaps both.

I don't know what else to say except thanks again for all the support and care you have provided on this web site. It is funny when I think about the problems that others are having on this site; my problems are small. Perhaps I can gain strength from knowing that others are dealing with their problems and are having success. Thanks for listening and would appreciate any advice that you could give me.   Bill 

Dear, dear Bill,

Bless you for how far you have come. You are handling the space you are in. The tone of this email is softer than your first.

I think you love your wife very, very much. You are letting her go, as you must. This in itself is an act of love. I know you realize that your lady has been through 30 some odd years of abuse. She took it and took it and took it - until she could take it no longer. She is done. There is too much water under the bridge. You seem to have accepted that fact.

I wonder... In your last email, I suggested that you send this url to your kid. Did you? (Please reply to me on the Board.)

Now, I would appreciate it if you would email this url to your wife.  I would like to hear from her. She can reply to the Board below, or email me directly at ForBillsWife@drirene.com

Keep up what you are doing. For yourself. You are worth it. And never, ever forget that your recovery is a process that takes time and all the attention you have...

My very best wishes, Dr. Irene

Anybody have anything to say to Bill?

I want to read the posts.