How to get Dr. Irene's Advice: Look here!

Ask The Doc Board

The CatBox Archives

 

(Archives)

4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments for Angry Person's Pain

Comments for Angry Person's Pain

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

 

 B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, September 12, 2000

S1

Thank you again for your help. It has helped give me the direction and support that I needed.

Talked with the wife last month concerning the son reading my letter to you.

In general she was not in favor of it. A couple of specifics that bothered her were the abortion and to much detail about her affairs and not enough in regards to mine. Therefore I honored her request of not forwarding it to him. Do I want to give it to him? Yes, very much. Offered to have her edit it. No response. Sooooo! I dropped it rather than have her be more upset. You handled that well.

I'm off work on medical leave until the first of next month. Using this time to read and read and read. On my fourth book and ready to start back at book one for a refresher. The reminder of my time is spent here on this site reading the posts, your posted articles, and the e-mail postings. My wife feels that I'm spending to much time on my recovery. I don't - I want to take in as much as I can. I want to be a better person for myself. Then and only then will I be good for others. 

There are a lot of people on this web site that are dealing with a great deal of pain. I'm very compassionate towards the women out there that have families to tend to in addition to their being subjected to verbal, and in some cases, physical abuse. Yet, with the pain that they are living with, they find time to help and support one another. They are filled with love for others. When I first posted on your site I was afraid that I would get bashed. It never happened. What did happen was a massive outpouring of help and support towards me: an abuser. Isn't that wonderful? Once upon a time, you may have gotten bashed. I'm glad we're getting away from that.

They say you shouldn't type in bold letters on the internet because it means that your are shouting. Well, THANK ALL OF YOU GOOD PEOPLE THAT HAVE HELPED AND SUPPORTED ME. YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED. Bill: Don't worry about disappointing us. We don't matter, really. The one person you want to work hard on not disappointing is ... yourSelf.

With my next post you will find me further down the road of recovery.

THANK YOU DR. IRENE.

Bill

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2000

S1

Dear Bill,

I feel very sad for your loss (we all so love a movie "happy ending"), but I was also very impressed and encouraged by the progress you have made. You know the saying: "as long as there is life, there's hope"? So, this is not the end, yet. 

Anyway, it seems you've come a long, long way in learning to deal with your anger. This is remarkable. I hope to see my husband some day so far along as you. No matter what will happen concerning your wife, I think that you have saved yourself.

One more thing: You said you will handle the divorce with "dignity". I believe this is a key word, a key term and a key feeling. Dignity and respect, this is what we need to help us out of abusiveness and victimhood. Great to know you, Bill! B.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2000

S1

Bill.

I think its great that you are addressing your abuse problems... I really feel that when you put out your very best something always positive comes in return...

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2000

S1

Hi Bill,

PAT YOUR SELF ON THE BACK FOR ALLOWING YOURSELF TO FEEL AGAIN, IT HURTS, IT PAINS BUT ITS WORTH IT!!!

GOOD LUCK BILL YOU KEEP UP THIS GOOD WORK, YOU FACED YOURSELF AND YOU CAN FACE ANYTHING THAT COMES YOUR WAY, YOU BET, YOUR DOING GREAT!!!

SUPPORT TO YOU, [I'D RAISE MY GLASS BUT MY PEN WILL HAVE TO DO, THREE CHEERS FOR THIS AMAZING GUY!!!!]

TAKE CARE THERESSA

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2000

S1

Hi Bill, I was one of the people who responded to your original post. I am sorry for your loss, but I also understand there just being too much water under the bridge. I am finally making my big move into my own apt. - 1st one ever and it has been so hard these last few months. We have both had to stay in the house - big house payment, neither could afford alone. I do believe that in your case you really are taking care of the self and I hope your healing is complete, not too sure what else I can say, since I am more in the position of your wife. "Dignity" is a wonderful term to use in a divorce and I hope you remind yourself often that if you handle it with dignity you will maintain your integrity. I somehow doubt my situation will turn out with the positive changes you are making, but I can always hope for my abuser's sake that he too will realize what he has really done to me (of course know that I allowed it). The hardest part these last few weeks is to not engage YES! , his anger is coming to the surface again and I see how he tries to get me to engage with him in fights. So far so good, I know I am doing something right since my child seems to be opening up with me more each day. God bless you in your road to recovery, Nuts :)

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2000

S1

Bill- It may feel as though you've "lost" right now, but in the long run, regardless of what happens with your wife, you've won- by actively trying to recover. What I'm most impressed with is the fact that you accept that it's over and you still are trying to change your old patterns of behavior - many abusers will only try to change as long as they think they can get their partner to come back - and then go back to their old ways once they realize it's over for good or their partner comes back. You're not doing that, and that takes a lot of strength! I know it's hard, but keep up the good work! My prayers are with you. -SatokoGirl

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2000

S1

I too am teetering on the brink of disaster. It is always near the end that I start to wake up and I view this site. I am only hoping that I am not too late this time. I have always considered myself first, this is one down fall that I must change. Let's rephrase: You've considered your ego first. Your self has not been considered at all... Considering my wife and her feelings before mine is difficult but in order for us to survive, I must. If you can learn to consider the self first, your wife's best interests will not be compromised; nor will your integrity.  Writing a reply is on way to get the ball rolling for my self. :) I am an obsessive and jealous person with not much tolerance; this behavior must change. The only thing is the hurt goes real deep and the anxiety is real and that feeling is core thing that drives me when I am desperate. Sounds like you need some medication... EA will also help. Find a link on the bottom of this page. I will not call her; I will not obsess about where she is or who she is going with. I will know that when she says she loves me she means it. That is all I can hold onto right now. I will change my ways, or lose her in the process. It is never too late to start. thanks for letting me vent I hope and pray that all goes well with you. And you. You are on track.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2000

S1

God bless you Bill - my prayers are with you as well.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, September 14, 2000

S1

Hi Bill: I am married for 13 years to a workaholic "good guy" who can't do enough for everyone in our community, at church, etc. He has gone through all of the things you've described in your letters, the yelling, the control, the demeaning comments to me (most memorable to me are his angry comments to me when I've needed him most: pregnancies, having the babies, miscarriage, my mom's illness and subsequent slow horrible death (the night she finally passed away we stopped for a bite at a restaurant before going home to tell the kids and he said, "Damn I missed a meeting at church tonight!" I said "Who cares?" He said "F- - - you!"...just a sample). 

He too keeps himself extremely busy at all times: a business call at our home always takes priority over anything. He works 7 days a week and most evenings too. When he is not working he is doing some kind of volunteer work or HAS to do something. He will do things with the kids when I tell him to (take them to the movies, take them fishing today, camp out with their friends in the back yard tonight), but he rarely comes up with anything on his own.  We've never taken a day trip or vacation that I didn't initiate and/or plan every detail for. Frequently on those trips he becomes angry, often about not leaving the TV on all night in a hotel room (he is an insomniac) and always is calling the office and his cell phone is always on. The only ones he ever says "No" to is us and his most vile anger is directed at me. 

I have gone through the gamut of emotions, have gotten us into counseling about 4 times, only once with any success. Then I got pregnant and it all started all over again (you can't be tired, people have been having babies for millions of years, I am the only one who can't cope). A couple of weeks ago his flurry of activity and chaos really got to me. I screamed and yelled and told him I'd had it. My actions are still saying that but my heart just wants him to pay attention to me and wants it to be better. I am focusing on myself, I am working part time and involved in my community in a big way. I am going to Weight Watchers to lose the 25 lbs. since the kids and I am committed to it - and its working! I want to feel better about me. I haven't been talking to him much; only when I have to and he seems okay with this. He just goes to work, comes home once in awhile for a pit stop or to run the kids to soccer. I am considering counseling again, but can't stand the thought of initiating any important conversation with him. Why doesn't he want anything to be better? He too had a busy self-serving mother and I've been told he is incapable of understanding/dealing with my needs. I think that's crap because he can understand everyone else's  needs and is known as a "good guy" at all times. Hmmm. Good point. He can consider your needs, but only when being close to you isn't threatening to him - and that's when you're unavailable.

He has called me every name in the book at one time or another. I've cried a river over him and I've come to the point where I think he's not worth it. My kids are my concern. I don't want our family apart but what else can I do? He is the quintessential good guy so he tells me the problem is mine. I have done everything to please him and we'd go for a year at a time where he would find fault with every blessed thing I did or didn't do, screaming at me whenever. Yuk. Right now he is pretty quiet. What the heck? When we were in therapy I used to cry so much, the therapist recommended anti depressants. I went to the dr. and got them and after 2 weeks, I couldn't even function. You were on the wrong drug or too much drug. "Oh well, guess you aren't depressed," they said. Not true. The first drug just didn't work. I went off of them. I said, "I didn't think so. I am just so worked out from being constantly yelled at and criticized." Correct.  So now if we argue he throws in my face that he has it in writing that I am clinically depressed and won't take any medication! Who cares what nonsense he comes up with. He says it because he knows it pushes a button. And he says it like if I was depressed I should be ashamed. I'm not depressed, and if I was I would treat it. He on the other hand had a few years of panic attacks and the anxiety attacks continue to this day. And you can bet your bottom dollar that he's ashamed. Just yesterday he was having a lunch appointment and brought it back into the office (our own business) and asked if I wanted it, telling me he couldn't eat it; he was having an attack. Like he shouldn't seek help for that? I just said "No thanks." and went about my business. 

Sorry for the rambling. Short of leaving, will he ever take any responsibility? Is this as good as it gets? I am really sad. Our thoughts are with you and yours...

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, September 14, 2000

S1

Having divorced my husband, whom I loved very much, for the very same reasons, I'd like to say to Bill that it takes a long time to rebuild trust. He shouldn't expect instant forgiveness. Oh yes! I love the Evans book. I keep buying them and giving them away. Here's another good book: Forgiveness: How to make peace with your past and get on with your life, by Sidney B Simon and Suzanne Simon. It will give Bill something to read while all this is going on. Good choice for him.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, September 14, 2000

S1

I was touched by your letter and you have my prayers. I only wish that my abuser could/would be able to admit his behavior and to get some help. He had at one time thought we should go to counseling, and less than 12 hours later changed his mind. Now I'm at a standstill, self imposed though. Please don't give up on yourself no matter how the relationship goes.

 

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, September 14, 2000

S1

Bill,

I'm not sure what I really want to say. After leaving my husband I came back because I thought that he had really made all of these great changes. The look in his eye was sincere, the tone of his voice was different. He started going to counseling; he read the Evans book ( called me crying - saying all the "right" stuff) - in short he really seemed to care and he was taking all of the right steps. Right after coming back home he stopped going to counseling, stopped church, and put that book on a shelf. Things still aren't what they were before, but I'm wondering when it will go back to that since he isn't following through with all those promises. I really wish you the very best. It's just hard to trust again. Ouchhh. His anger and resentment took over again...

 B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, September 14, 2000

S1

Bill,

You are an inspiration to me. I have only recently discovered that I am (was) a victim thanks to a wonderful therapist. Since then I have had very limited interactions with my ex-boyfriend. I know that I need to move on and am ready to do so, but I have not told him why I don't want to spend time with or talk to him. I feel that I need to tell him, give him the P. Evans book, and give him the opportunity to understand himself and his patterns. I was concerned that this desire was a continuation of the caregiver/victim pattern even though I had decided that if he refused to read the book, I would no longer interact with him at all. You have helped me see that there is a possibility that he could actually recognize his abuse and his own hurt, which we all know is 50% of the battle, and that he does deserve at least that chance. I hope you realize how much your story, updates, and progress mean to the people that use this site. I thank you for that and wish you strength and contentment in the future, however things turn out with your wife. M  Good luck to you guys...

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, September 14, 2000

S1

Good for you for accepting the consequences of your actions! That is more than many men are able to do. . If it can't help your marriage at this stage, at least it may help you in your future relationships as well as all the persons who have read your E-mail. God Bless you and may He give you strength to accept things and move on. DEB

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, September 14, 2000

S1

Perhaps she just doesn't believe you have changed. Wait it out and continue to behave differently, it may take a lot of time and effort. It might not bring her back to you. But it takes a lot to rebuild trust. More than it takes to gain it in the first place. Not only does it take time for the victim to develop trust, it takes time for the abuser to develop the skills to react benignly. First the angry person gets the cognitive "road map" of where they are going. Then begins the long and laborious task of applying that knowledge 24/7 until it becomes habitual and ingrained.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, September 16, 2000

S1

Bill,

I want to add my support and thanks for sharing so much of yourself with us. I understand why you were afraid you'd get bashed, and I have to admit that when I read anything by a "recovering abuser," my first thought is "Yeah, right! You're just sorry your world's been rocked, not sorry for the pain you've inflicted."

But I feel that you are sincere. If you weren't you wouldn't be spending so much time on this, and you wouldn't be continuing on now that your wife has filed for divorce. In other words, you do seem to want to make changes for yourself, not just to get her back. (Which I know would make you happy, and I would be happy for you if that happened)!

Each of us who is working on our own "junk" suffers a lot of pain. I have had to face many things about myself that hurt: my codependency is deeply ingrained, a family tradition that isn't easy to shake off. I've come to realize lately that I tend to automatically assume that I don't have the "smarts" to learn new things. This, despite concrete evidence to the contrary. I also have realized that I have not held myself in high enough esteem; that I've been too willing to "settle" where men are concerned. I was taught early on that if it's a man, you can't do a thing with it but keep your mouth shut and cope.

So--there is enough pain to go around! Abusers and co-dependents each carry their own pain and when they get together---OUCH! My compassion for you is real, because I understand what it feels like to look inside and hurt when you see what's in there.

Keep up the great work, but do ease up a little now and then. Take walks, drive to someplace interesting, read something NOT about abuse! Be kind to yourself, and thank YOU for the support you've given me and the rest of us!

Becky Thanks Becky.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, September 16, 2000

S1

Bill, I almost hurt reading your letter. I do feel so bad for my soon-to-be ex, I know if he knew where he would end up, he would change so much of the past. He wouldn't listen to all the times I told him "I can't live like this." Until I said I didn't love him anymore. Then he tried to change, but I really didn't love him anymore. I am mad at him he couldn't have attempted to change years ago, obviously he's capable of making the effort.

What struck me was when you said you'd divorce with dignity. That's what we had agreed on, we know we will be together forever with the kids. But he will not let me go. When I am nice to him he acts as if there is still a chance to reunite, and there's not. He still tries to be controlling, though he thinks he's fixed because he has stopped yelling. There are other ways to be verbally abusive and he's using them all. He debates what we agree upon, and says he didn't say things he did in "weaker" moments. Control seems to be ingrained in his inner self, and he still uses it in different ways. This is why recovery is so hard. I really hope you don't do that. I know once I learned about verbal abuse, I looked at most things he said or did as a way to control me. The trust is gone.

I also want to thank you for sharing, I wish some of these abusive husbands or wives would understand when we say we have had enough, there is a time that comes when we really mean it. There's not always another chance, there is a time when abusers pretend everything's normal and we don't accept that anymore. You can be nice for 6 months, but the love is gone. My husband didn't realize that until it was too late to, just like you Bill. If she really is done, please, divorce her with dignity, I am beginning to hate my husband, he still won't just get along with me. He still wants to maintain some amount of control. He told me he will never stop trying to show me how much he loves me. And I don't want his love. Your husband's definition of "love" is strange at best.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, September 17, 2000

S1

Bill,

I worked for someone who was abusive, for a relatively short time, and that is very much different from living with someone who was abusive over a period of 30 years or more. It was one heck of an experience, one I don't think I'll ever be able to leave behind.

Reading your letter, I had two sets of reactions.

First, if the guy I worked for were able to go into recovery, and write a letter like yours, there would be tears streaming down my face, tears of happiness. From time to time, I saw flashes of what struck me as someone who was/is a great guy. I've often wondered how much of his behavior was driven by some internal pain, some old injuries, which I had no insight into. This may be an odd way to put it, but sometimes it seemed like he was made of two kinds of parts. The "kind" parts seemed warm, well-meaning, good-intentioned, vulnerable, sometimes lost, sometimes maybe even scared .The "unkind" parts were nasty, spiteful, very hurtful.

As time went on, it seemed like the "unkind" parts had the upper hand with increasing frequency. I have since often hoped and prayed that the "kind" parts would one day have the upper hand, would come through, and take over. That man still has my prayers, Bill, and you have my prayers, too. This may sound "corn ball", but I believe that there are angels in heaven are very happy that you have reached this point, Bill. I very much hope for the best outcome for you!

Second, even if the guy I worked for entered recovery, and did recover, I think I would always continue to be afraid of him. I've tried often to understand my fear, and why it still lingers, but it is there and it does. I have anger, and I think the anger is just something that covers a lot of hurt. I try to imagine what your wife feels, after 30 years. She may never be able to see how you have changed, or even if she is able to see the change, she may never be able to quite trust you again. Hard as it is for you to let go, to borrow a phrase from Dr. Irene, letting go of her, with dignity, may be the only sane course of action open to you. Leaving behind a job I really loved, and a boss I was able to admire and respect, but also fear, big-time, was the only sane course of action left to me. Sometimes your head realizes the truth, or what has to be done, before your heart does. Or maybe instinct, self-preservation, is stronger than what the heart feels. She can't help you, if she cannot see or accept the changes in you, even if the changes are all for the good.

Right now, I have to wonder if it's hard for you to see very far off into the future, but I would like to think that as you recover and progress, there will be a new future, and you will find substantial peace and happiness in it. Bill, I can't help but think how wretched it would be if you had never reached this point, in spite of all the pain.

Finally, Bill, thank for telling us your story. It sounds like right now, you feel very much alone. But if there is a God, and if there are angels, and I think there are both, I have this sense they are keeping you close company. Do your best, don't let yourself down! Yes.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, September 17, 2000

S1

keep on moving towards YOUR higher calling.. Keep working on you..Words.. do hurt.. after awhile.. one becomes numb.. starts to feel no pain and shuts down... I wil pray for the recovery of your marriage... in the meantime.. keep working on you

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, September 17, 2000

S1

Bill, I have to praise you for the work you are doing to heal yourself. Stay aware of your feelings. I know it is hard for you to lose your wife to divorce, but she does need the space away from you, and not in some temporary manner. For her to become strong she needs to take a stand. I'm just getting to that point, so I understand her motivation. It isn't so much against you but for herself. I hope you stay centered and continue to grow. You need to be a different person than before to be in a better and caring relationship, as does your wife. Good luck. Nicole

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, September 18, 2000

S1

Hi Dr Irene, Hi.

My daughter has been very angry lately, [who wouldn't be if there mommy and daddy just split up!!!] she has little self control or rather is still in infancy in learning self control. However, I want to share the positive as well as the negatives here. To show that learning is possible.

In brief my home was (Children should do what adults say, no explanation!! I lived in a boundary less home) in my family home with my partner this was also the case, however, [He lived in a very strict children's home] I would explain to my daughter the why's? because I knew how frustrating it was when no one explains and my partner would tell me it wasn't necessary.

To cut a long story short I moved away 4 weeks ago approximately so that my little girl could be rid of this environment, and I didn't have emotional abuse BUT that's another story!!!

Anyway I started to read Positive Discipline (Positive Discipline For Preschoolers  and / or Positive Discipline For Tots to Teens) and challenge the idea that children should do as they are told and not have explanations. Its been a bumpy ride!!! I've seen myself frustrated and sometimes have to run and spend some time alone because retraining is hard work for me and my daughter but nevertheless no one told me retraining to be a healthy parent would be easy.

One evening just after the separation, my daughter got some mud on her shoes. (Well you shouldn't do this, this is bad!!!!) Is it really!! Why? well at home my little girl wasn't allowed to mess up her shoes or her clothes, this was disrespectful. [My daughter's daddy lives by shoulds and dirtying shoes is a no no!!!] [No judgment here!!!] Well my daughter cried and then lost all her composure and raged at her aunt who told her not to be silly and to take off her shoes. [We were at my own mom's], the children laughed as well, my sisters' and my mom were horrified why wasn't I disciplining her!! Why indeed!!! I took that little girl of mine by the hand and took her upstairs to the spare room. She yelled at me and said lots of (not so nice names) I didn't respond to. Then I sat on the bed and she stood in the corner yelling and shouting. I said "I am going to sit here and let you calm down. She yelled some more and some more. She told me I hate you mommy, I hate you all. I said "Really, okay". I breathed deeply and a few times held her hand but she struggled so I let go of her hand - and let her know when she was ready I was going to hug her because I knew she was hurting and was so angry at them laughing at her. After a short time she allowed me to hold her hand and I lifted her up on to the bed and tickled her tummy and she laughed and said "I am okay now mommy". She hugged me and then I left the room and she played with her cousin who just entered the room, and she hugged her cousin. Nice.

[No lectures, no judgment, no blame, no telling her that her feelings weren't okay!!!]

I've made many mistakes and still have been but since I learnt that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, and little people deserve RESPECT life is simpler, her daddy, tells me how she is going to be so SPOILED and TURN out wrong!!!!

Well if allowing someone to sit with their feelings, even if they are a child and showing self control is wrong, I'll keep on because children LIVE what THEY learn!!!!

The book has transformed my life and since its common sense and instills lots of techniques which also work with adults, and uses lots of Dr Irene's principles, I guess its got the THUMBS UP!!!

NEVER BE AFRAID TO RELEARN, RETRAIN AND TAKE RISK, BECAUSE IF THE RISK IS BEING TOLD YOUR DOING WRONG BUT YOU ARE GETTING POSITIVE RESULTS, WHO IS THE FOOL!!!!!

SOME OF US DIDN'T HAVE HEALTHY, IDEAL FAMILIES BUT THERE ARE THOSE OUT THERE, DR IRENE FOR ONE WHO ARE LIKE FOSTER MOM'S THEY FILL THE GAP!!!!

SO TO ALL OF US PARENTS WHO WEREN'T BROUGHT UP IN HEALTHY HOMES, WE CAN DO IT IF WE GET THE KNOW HOW AND ARE BRAVE ENOUGH TO TAKE THE RISK OF TRYING SOMETHING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. Yes...  

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, September 19, 2000

S1

Wish other men and women could be courageous enough to feel the pain. And admit being wrong.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, September 20, 2000

S1

Hi All,

I have to say it took me 7 years to up and leave my h, and have the courage to retrain etc as I said in my post above.

Please have sympathy for those who haven't yet found the courage!!!

Thanks Theressa

Ps: correction to my last post. Dr Irene I meant to say I have been in an abusive marriage but that's another story,

Instead of what I wrote: I have not been in an abusive marriage. Wishful thinking...

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, September 22, 2000

S1

I wish my estranged husband would have just one time realized the pain and hurt he has caused me over the years, and maybe even admitted it like you have . The truth is he has not only verbally, mentally and physically abused me on an almost daily basis, but he always tried to convince me it was totally my fault. This just added insult to injury. I'm now finally learning it's not my fault. I don't cause him to strangle me, to try to brainwash me, to ignore me for weeks at a time etc. etc. He does this all by himself! 

So , if my husband would have done a small percentage of what you have, Bill, he would stand a chance in my opinion. I'm happy to hear that some people (abusers) actually do change. (Because they want to, not because they have to.)

Irene, a loyal reader of this website for about one year. Glad you're posting now!

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, September 25, 2000

S1

She's put up with that for 30+ years? If she finally got the strength to leave, she isn't coming back. I want to know how many times did Bill say he'd "change" or "I didn't mean that" or whatever? Does Bill think his word is good anymore. My suggestion? Bill: Go to counseling (preferably within your church) and get your head together. Hopefully, the next woman you find will find a "heart-changed" Bill and not someone paying lip service. Good luck - you've got a hard road ahead of you. And you're angry, albeit for your own good reasons... Please don't take it out on Bill.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, September 26, 2000

S1

Gotta give u credit for sticking w/getting help despite your wife's decision of disillusionment...i must say...she is brave...i am sick of the verbal/physical abuse in my marriage and will be doing something soon...but if u thought all this was going to "win" her back....its just you trying to control the situation....i have little hope for abusers ...u see i live w/ one and have seen too much in my lifetime of 42 yrs....of repeating patterns from men...from my step father to my 4 relationships. Good luck in ur RECOVERY...but DO IT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS...and for your wife, I HOPE SHE IS FINALLY AT PEACE AND HAPPY W/O YOUR ABUSE. As above...

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, September 28, 2000

S1

Just be sure Bill that you are truly doing this for the right reasons.. the recover I mean..and not just as a way to get your wife back. You have to do this for you..and make it permanent..not just a last ditch effort to save the marriage...think only of saving yourself now.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, September 28, 2000

S1

Dear Bill, I admire your wife's strength. It took a lot for her to leave you and to stand up for herself and her own self care. It's sad that it had to go that way when there is love still there but at the same time so much anger and resentment. I hope that you will stick with your recovering behavior. It's a long road but worth it for your well being and for others that you have relationships with. I myself have left my husband twice and I have still have not let go. It is so painful. I love him but he does not see his wrongs and has an attitude that is so self righteous and downright refuses to change. I want to move forward in my life and I am ready to face that life alone if need be. It's hard to let go of all my dreams I had for us. I feel sorrow much of the time. I hope you are sincere in your efforts to change your behavior. It is no picnic being with an abuser. Take care and God Bless. Tina 

Bill: How are you?

 

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, September 30, 2000

S1

Dear Bill,

I left my abusive husband in January of this year. He is very very far from where you are in realizing he has a problem, and I want you to know that you should be proud of yourself. If only he could respect the memory of the years I did give him and just let me be! Unfortunately, his manipulations of myself and our seven year old son may result in him losing the privilege of what relationship we still have. It gives me hope to hear that someone like you is out there, wanting to change. I wish you much much luck and love for yourself in your endeavors.

Meg

See Bill's October update here...

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, October 06, 2000

S1

Bill, if you would post more here, I think you would get more helpful dialogue happening.

The forums I post to are the ones where the originator continues to post and asks for feedback.

Just a suggestion.

Asha

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, October 23, 2000

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, October 23, 2000

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 12, 2000

S1

I would love to ask Bill a question. Is that what it took, your wife's leaving, for you to realize that you were verbally abusive? My significant other of three years doesn't think he is verbally abusive, and when I tell him that he is, he tells me, "Well, then leave". He then says, "If you leave, there is no coming back" Ok..now, I love him, but he is verbally abusive. He has improved somewhat, but he cycles...about every 3 weeks or so. He always blames someone else, usually me, my daughters ( from a previous marriage) or both. Never himself, never HIS daughter ( who has caused enormous amounts of stress for us), never his work. ( he is a work-a-holic) Bill, he is almost EVERYTHING that is listed on the part of this website entitled "Signs of Verbal and Emotional Abuse". When I printed it out and tried to show it to him, he said, "I'm not reading this sh...."

Bill, I have given everything I have to this man. I gave up my career, my house, everything. I have no money, and am right in the middle of nursing school. There is no way that I can work to make enough money to support myself and my two daughters and pass school. The school even recommends that you don't work while trying to get through the program, but if you must, no more than 20 hours a week. I am 44 years old. I am running out of time. I am faced with working for minimum wage and getting away from him, or putting up with him for two more years while I finish up RN school, then leaving him. ( that is hard--I do not want to do that) I do love him, recognize his abuse, walk away from his abuse because I know that I am not worthless, but, my self-esteem is eroding away. Also, my daughters have to "accept and deal with" him. Sometimes, I feel so guilty for bringing them into this situation, then, not being able to "protect" them.

As you probably know, I walk on eggshells. When is the next time going to be when he tells me to "Pack my sh...and get the f...out of MY house" ( not OUR house, HIS house--it was his before I got here)

He supports me, takes care of my every need, but the price is high.

Anything I can do? Do I just continue to walk away and ignore him? Do I continue to sleep on the couch because I don't want to be around him?

Bill, I am very proud of you. Very. Do you know how hard it is for someone to change that behavior, especially after it has crystalized in your mind for so many years? My hat is off and my hand is out to you. God Bless.

I would appreciate any advice you could give me.

Very, very sincerely, PKelly1956@aol.com ( Pamela)

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, June 18, 2001

S1

Bill, I was very moved from your story. I have always held fast to the belief that it is never too late to change one's self. God bless you. I have a sister and an exboyfriend who very much border on the Control/Verbal Abuser behavoir. I always think that I can help in some way by being understanding, but I see now, especially with my ex (control more of the issue than any abuse) that I should of been more proactive, insist he get counseling. But he is gone now, moved 1500 miles away, keeping himself terribly busy to hide the pain! Yesterday, my sister blew up at me, over something really minor, making very cutting hurtful remarks, in public, on a day that I had just made a big accomplishment (rode 170 miles on my bike for the Lung Assoc) she apologized, but to me that does not take away the pain. I reluctantly agreed a few months ago to go on a vacation with her, it is in 3 weeks. I'm not sure what to say, I need to tell her how much I hurt and how much I do not want that to happen on my vacation. God give me strength and wisdom...do not want to be hurtful like she was. Keep up the good work, I feel your pain just from the other side. Lorrie