|April 4, 2000; Updated January 8, 2000
Could you find and use some
other terms aside from 'Abuser/Victim'? Is that too PC to ask? Maybe. I've used "angry person" and
"codependent," but I get flack for that too. What's a shrink to
Also, is there a way you could make the site more 'Tool Time Tim Taylor'
friendly for many of us men with the whole 'Machismo' crisis of even
confronting and dealing with the Abuser moniker, not to mention smarmy
kittys? Uuughghg!!! "Smarmy kitties?" Ugh
is right! Trubble took great offense at your labeling and is sticking it's
tongue out at you as we write (Trubble edits). Trubble also has a message
for you: "Hisssssssssss."
Other than that, I really enjoy the site and have found it amazingly
accurate in describing many of my tendencies and how to deal with and
change them. Good for you for looking inside and
using the info! Thanks for the help. I can really see many in my
Family gaining benefit from your site. I just helped my sister get out of
a the immediate situation of an abusive 15 year relationship. What was
strange is that I saw my own behaviors in her husband's. Chilling!!!!
But she's trying to get to a point where they can be together again. Maybe
this site can help them both. It is especially difficult for them because
of their 'Biblical' brainwashing. They are both at odds over their
vehement interpretations of 'The biblical role of a wife, Mother or woman
and that of the husband, Father or MAN.' Look at it
this way, if their conflict wasn't hung on a biblical hat, it would just
find another hook. It's not the topic area per se, it's the underlying
interaction that is the issue. Good luck to them.
As a Buddhist of 20 years, I have
to side w/the more healthy interpretation of 'Biblical Equality' and
Mutual Submission of '...One to Another.'
So thanks again, G And thank you! Dr. Irene
March 4, 2000
Hi again Doc, and
Thanks very much for your lovely reply. Please give Trubble a rub, tickle
or chase and some 'nip for me as an apology. Meeowwrrrppprrrpppprrrr! OK. All is forgiven.
(Boy do I feel
silly...but sincere.) I am just lashing out and labeling as an old defense
mechanism for what 'Trubbles' me; that which I have only just seen, and
not yet broken. So are you telling me, a 'Cat' has enough sense and know
how to set up a 'Boundary' defense against the likes of me? Well, good for
Trubble. I will try and toss out that outmoded 'label maker' and see
Trubble's example in others, before I reach for the labeler! :)
What really brings me to you is my former wife. She and I have both been
searching for the tools you have, so we could repair our relationship as
'Parents', 'People' and 'Friends', to work together to finish bringing up
our lovely daughters so they too are healthy and happy.
She found you first,
and has graciously waited and encouraged till I was ready to come around,
while she got busy for herself.
She and I have been having a precious e-dialogue the last couple of weeks,
and just this weekend I had an Emotional Kerfuffle just out of the blue,
that I knew she could help with. Lately, I knew she had made some
significant turn around in her emotional Life but didn't know how she did
it. (She shared, but I didn't want to look then.) She has been wise in not
beating me over the head w/it. :) So,
now, I hope I too am ready and don't flake out as in the past. Me too!
Thanks so much for your quick, kind and lovely reply, G
P.S. of Course, my five siblings and Mother all suffer as I do (Dad did
too, but passed this last Summer.), to varying degrees, any hints on how
to share with them? Why not start by sending them
January 5, 2001
Hi Doctor Irene, (and Trubble): Hi
You graciously posted my comments last year on the 'Hissss to you too'
site. I have made it my homepage so I am always reminded that I still
have work to do. Thanks again!!
I recently wrote and had published an article about my abusive nature
and marital experience in my Buddhist Newspaper. I wanted to send you and
original copy via the mail as a gesture of deep appreciation.
Since being published many friends have commented positively.
Of course, I am still on the path to recovery and learning new things
all along. For example, as I was working on the article, my eldest
daughter admitted to me that she had started smoking. I went right into a
manipulative 'withholding' pattern. Fortunately, my former wife shot me
right out of it.
I find that as I genuinely struggle with my self, I am often put in a
position to share and reach out to others. I try as often as I can, even
though I doubt my own progress or others perceptions of it. You know; if
you're not 100% cured, how can you help anyone else. But I have to
believe that it is double edged, that my helping another gives me
insight, tools and strength to help myself.
Anyway, could you please forward a P.O. box or physical address that I can
send the article to.
Thanks a million, G
Wow! I am delighted to accept your publication and look forward to reading
it. What a wonderful Holiday gift! Letters like yours make my
day, week, year...
Trubble wants to say "Hi" too:
Glad to hear you can snap out of it so fast! That means one day I'll be
fixed too, uh... well... not "fixed," but you know what I mean...
Oh yeah, my yukky mommy said she thinks it's great that you teach what
you've learned; that it reinforces your own lessons and you learn from
your teaching. That's why she's got me writing this letter. (Difference
between me and you is I'm so cute and furry, I can get away with it, most
of the time.) Hehehe!
And a million thanks to YOU!
January 8, 2001
Thanks for the page Update; but HOW am I possibly supposed to maintain my
cat hating persona with you doing things like this...rrrgghhh! I'm all
choked up...I feel like I've swallowed a hairball now...hack...patew!! (Allright,
I'm 'sitting' w/how I feel.)
Friends and Family I introduce to the Site via this link, may now think I
have a softer more snuggable side.
You will see my pic when I send my article to you!
Just don't PhotoShop us...together!!! Then what will people think?
Love...er uh...'Salutations of the day', G