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Why  Does A Woman Do An Abuser's Page?

lips1[1].gif (1401 bytes) Why Does A Woman Author An Abuser's Page - When Most Abusers are Men?

by Dr. Irene

Sexism

"Why does a woman author an abuser's page - when most abusers are men?" Dumb question, isn't it? When did it become men against women, or women against men? Last time I checked, we were all human. I am bothered by the finger pointing of some angry victim or feminist groups - because abuse is not a sexist issue! Throwing in the sexist variable only blurs the issue and unnecessarily pits men against women.

If some battering creep is following his wife around and making threats, stop him! Same for the crazed wife who hurls knives at her husband. Despite our culture's reinforcement of anger as a male  strategy (i.e., "macho"), and despite the fact that most reported abuse is committed against women, abuse is a human problem. It doesn't matter whether the perpetrator or victim is male or female or any permutation thereof. 

Responsibility

An abused woman has every right to be furious with her partner. His behavior is not her responsibility. Her behavior is her responsibility. Yet, according to some angry opponents, it is not; she was "the victim." Now what? Do we revere the poor victim and serve her up as evidence of how awful her abuser is? What good does that do? Enabling the victim does not help! When the victim learns to handle (his or ) her own problems, that does help. They have become empowered. 

Blame

Nobody should have to put up with abuse. Nobody! We all have issues in life. The abused person is entitled to all the support in the world to get themselves out of their mess. What matters is ending the abuse, not how it came about. It doesn't matter who is to blame. Blaming is a waste of time and energy that could be better spent elsewhere, like working on the solution. So, no bad guy, no good guy. Just human beings with problems. If it doesn't work, fix it!

Supporting the Abuser

Likewise for the abusive person. Fix it! Unfortunately, this person has fewer resources. It is sooooo easy to write off "the bad guy" (or gal). Also, most "bad guys" are in denial and rarely seek support. When they do, they are mandated by a Court or, more likely, a fed-up mate walks out on them and they go nuts. Abusive people are no different from abused people: there is so little public awareness, it often takes a long time to figure out what is going on (see verbal abuse email for how long it took some gals).

The objective of this section will primarily be to help fill the angry person's resource gap: to educate and support the abuser in his or her recovery. 

By the way, no enabling allowed.

More on Dr. Irene's position here.