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where do i go from here
where do i go from now
how i want my heart to
warm within me
to experience love and
friendship
to be known by another
from the
inside out
for my thoughts to be
explored,
respected, adored for
being
uniquely, quirkily, me
how i want to be strong
within myself
to feel that i will
survive, happy
even if i am alone
so i will turn to my God,
rely on him
build my faith, build my
love from
the inside out
and He will be my
strength
if i let him
may the tears wash me
clean
if they will fall
but that means i will
have to feel the pain
and that scares me
because for all of my
life
my pain has been numbed
who was there to ease it,
anyway
not a sick mother
not the absent father
not the dead grandparents
not the estranged
siblings
so the little girl i was
never got to live her
childhood
i was my own comfortor
i was the comfortor for
the
sick mother
but i knew not how to
comfort myself
i never saw love and
affection
up close, lived with it
in my life
what do i remember
i remember being two or
three
and hearing screams
fighting
i remember the ambulance
coming for my mother, my
father having hurt her
i remember my sisters
holding me
playing with me, talking
with me
but not my mother
i remember a young man
molesting me
i was three, maybe four
i didn't even know what
he asked
was abuse
i remember mother too
sick to stand
taking her water, another blanket
finding my own meals
putting myself to bed
reading, oh, how i would read
i lived another existence through
the sweet escape afforded by reading
i grew older, anguished into adolesence
longed for a boy to care for me
to be well liked, well dressed
but caged by poverty
so i worked for my own clothes
lied about my age
and that summer bought clothes
and groceries
was liked by a boy
but he was a black boy
and i liked his white friend,
desperately
so the kind young friend i
held away as only a friend
and now regret not seeing then
how dear he was, how i could have
known love, young love
later another boy
but this one i wasn't me with
and it caught up to me
how i molded myself into what i thought
he wanted
i ended that
but did it again
changed myself for another boy
kept my thoughts to myself
when he was displeased with my words
my ideas
and the tiredness in my soul set in
how he could rage, barrage me with
words
wear me down, take away my spunk
and he lashed out physically
from his own sickness
but i took the blows, the bruises, the
soreness
and thus perperuated the whole madness
i forgave the unforgivable and
so lived it over again and again
and with this boy
i grew older, had a baby girl
had another baby girl
and then knew that the madness
had to end
i quietly planned, packed and
drove away, far away
with my two babies
away from the screaming, the hurtful
hands
i wouldn't let my babies grow up
seeing their mommy hurt like that
i went to the house of my God
and found help, kindness, a warm place
to lay my head, holding my babies
while i tried to plan my life
but i believed the boy's promises and
apologies
so i returned, to make my life over
with the father of my babies
and he changed enough for me
convince myself to stay
no more hurtful hands, just hurtful
words
just a complete and utter loneliness
for nine more years
my babies are turning into young women
now
and i am trying to turn into a woman
in my heart
picking up the pieces of the girl
inside
fitting meaning into the pieces
so now i see the weakness, the sadness
seeing is the first step to changing
feeling is the first step to healing
but the healing brings pain, too
but the strength will be there
strength from Jehovah
strength from my dearest friends
strength from my daughters
and i will survive
i will be happy inside of myself
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