Sent: Monday, September 13,
Subject: E-Mail Advice
I'm not sure why I'm writing or if I even expect anything to come of it.
But I will go on anyway.
The overview of the situation: About six months ago, I became
very close friends with a woman who was engaged to an emotionally
abusive man. Their relationship was unsteady. As our
friendship grew (which she hid from him), I revealed that my feelings
for her were stronger than just friends.
I helped her to
feel a sense of self-worth that she hadn't known for years.
Eventually, she and her fiancée had a major confrontation in which he
asked for the ring back. She and I began dating soon after. I
know this was a mistake for her, but I honestly felt that I could help her
find something she had been lacking. Her actions are
not your concern; or at least they shouldn't be. Was dating her good for
you or a mistake for you? This is where you need to go! I
even told her that if she wanted to date other people, or take time
away from me, I was fine with that. I truly wanted her to be sure
before things continued between us. I hope you wanted her to be
sure as much for your sake as for hers. Rebound relationships are
Things were fine for six weeks.
Then, her ex-fiancée showed up at her door. They started talking and now she is torn. She feels
that she was too hasty; she jumped into changing her life. She is
torn between staying with me or going back to him.
I'm desperately afraid for her
emotional well-being. What about your emotional
well-being? What about the very real possibility you face of being
hurt by her? Have you considered this at all? This man forced
her to dress a certain way; he decided who she could be friends with;
he may have even raped her. I'm know she wouldn't see it as rape, but I
think it happened. I don't know what to do. All
you can do is take care of YOU. You are clearly not doing that. I've
referred her to your site to see if her relationship with him was truly
abusive and to see if she is falling into the cycle of abuse, but I don't
know if she'll look at it. I don't know what to do. This is tearing
me up. Spend your energy getting torn up about
your own dilemma. You have a problem!
I'm sorry, it seems as though I don't really have a true question, but if
you have any advice on things I can do to help, please let me know.
Thank you, -Zac
Well, you got my
advice. Help yourself! You are behaving like a classic
your energy is consumed with her welfare and you are not looking out for your
own interests. When an individual behaves this way, they disrespect
She may appreciate your good will, but it is unlikely she will
fall head over heels for you. How can she respect you - if you do not respect yourself? By giving away the store, she is more inclined to
develop mild contempt towards you than she is romantic longing. (Think:
why would she consider going back with the selfish creep if he had nothing?
One thing he does have - albeit to a fault - is the ability to care for
himself. That is a magnetic quality.)
Where is your
integrity? Find it. You have too much good stuff to lose. A caring person
with healthy self-respect and self-caring is an unbeatable package. Don't spoil
it by not caring enough about you!