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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

What's In The Subject Line?

What's in The Subject Line?

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source.
It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds;
it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings -Anais Nin

Dear Dr. Irene,

My husband has finally joined a group devoted principally to treating angry men.  I sent your URL to my husband, who sent it to his therapist.  He loves your site, and now recommends it to his clients.  And my husband loves it.  I love it because it affirms (finally) what I have believed was wrong with the relationship.  He is a control freak, and abusive (physically, verbally, emotionally), and I let him get away with it because I was terrified of him.  I freely accept the responsibility for my portion of that. 

The sad thing is NOT that we are separated now, but that I waited to leave him until I didn't love or respect him any more.  Fear kills love.  It's that simple.  If I had left while I still cared about him, there might have been some hope for the relationship.  Timing is everything in life!  Odd little paradox for you. Thank you. I will use it.  Anyway, I told him that I had finally found out how much I loved him: it took him 20 years to kill it.

When I told my friends that I was not going to let my husband move into my house with me after the "big house" was sold, they were shocked.  They were all crazy about him and thought we were the cutest and most stable couple...  When I told them it was about domestic violence, you could have heard a pin drop.

I am off Zoloft.  I laugh more.  I have a lot more energy to the things I wanted to do but couldn't in "the bad old days."  I can make a plan and see it through.  (That's A Miracle.)  I still don't enjoy housekeeping, but I don't HATE it either.  I get out more; I am less reclusive.  Everyone (even my husband's friends!) say how much better I look.  And I feel so much better.

Quite naturally, my son is an abuser, and he is about to marry a sweet girl.  What do I say to her?  I think I'll just say, "Call if you need me."  They have set the date for the wedding. Brides-to-be don't listen to much of anything.

And my daughter is a good little victim.  She and her family live about far from here.  I have visited her on several occasions. I have seen the abuse.  I have seen her husband's anger.

I do NOT want to meddle, I do NOT want to caretake my daughter.  So I hesitate to send her your site's URL, but a friend of her husband's recently said to her, "I cannot understand why you put up with the way he treats you!"  Two weeks ago, when she and I were discussing (in general terms) the reasons why I wouldn't live with her dad any more, she said it sounded a lot like what she was going through.  Maybe it's time...  I am in one heck of a bind.  She NEEDS this information, and she probably won't think to ask me for it, so really the only thing I have to figure out is what to say in the note that has the URL in it.  "I found this site about angry people.  Your dad and his therapist both like it and think it is useful.  Love, Mom"

God bless you richly, Dr. Irene.  You deserve it, BIG TIME.   Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,

God Bless you richly Michelle. You deserve it, BIG TIME! You pulled the pieces together. 

Your daughter-in-law-to-be is there to fix herself, so she can create the space your son needs to fix himself. Your daughter is there to do the same for her hubby. If these ladies can do it soon enough, their families may not carry the legacy forth to their children. 

You are there to help them, if the kids are wise enough to listen. What wonderful things might have happened had you had a guide? 

By the way, I like your subject line a lot "Mom". Send me her address if you want me to send it to her. I will direct her to this page. Thank you for writing. God Bless you and yours.

Love, Dr. Irene