|March 4, 2000
Your pages on Codependency are a real eye opener.
If you want to take the time to read this, here goes. If not, thank
you for the information.
I began a relationship with a woman from Sweden in 1996. By June 97,
we were married. I am 45 years old now and have 2 girls, 21 & 12.
My wife has no children. To make a long story short, she hates my
children. Outside of this, I have convinced myself that we have a
However it has escalated to a
point, where she does not want me to even talk to them on the telephone. I
experience fear every time the telephone rings hoping it's not one of my
kids. My wife and I have battled about this during our entire
At one point in 1998, she attempted
to kill herself with pills. Knowing that she is capable of attempting
suicide, made it difficult to get rid of her. I tried to be
sensitive to her and kept my children at bay. Sneaking around to talk to
them and see them. I began to try and reinforce her with love, kindness,
acceptance of her behavior, her disrespect towards me, her desire to throw
away Christmas gifts given to me by my children, demands such as taking a
car back from my oldest daughter who is in college, not buy them gifts
since I pay child support to their mother - and the list goes on.
And for what? Just one little
moment of happiness with this woman. It has gotten to the point
where I do anything to keep her happy and hope that one day she will
change her mind. What's interesting is most of my life, I had little
or no trouble getting rid of women that caused me this much misery.
But for some reason this one is hard to deal with. I feel that I brought
her to this country so now I'm responsible for her. As of May of 99,
she has taken a job as a flight attendant. Well,
you're off the hook!
I find myself doing these things:
|Giving her money while she's
stationed in New York, even though she has a job. I reside in
|Trying to keep her happy by
visiting her on occasion and her visiting me and going shopping.
|Trying to accept her
"misunderstanding about my children."|
|Excusing her misbehavior towards
my children such as, throwing their things in the trash that they may
have left behind during a visit. In fact, while she was in
training, I had my youngest daughter stay with me for 2 months.
When my wife came home, she packed all my daughter's stuff up and put
it in the garage as well as throwing several of her personal items in
the trash. Of course "I understood her behavior".|
|Now that she is in NY, I try to
help her out financially even though she is mean to me. She has
a school bill due in Sweden of $8,000 which I agreed to help her pay.
She says she doesn't need my help, but I insist on helping her even
though she is frustrated with me most of the time.|
|She has taken a boyfriend even
though she denies it to me. I have evidence of this relationship
going on. However what do I say about it? "I understand why this
has happened, due to our relationship being in turmoil".|
|I find myself waiting for just a
telephone call from her to be satisfied that at least she's thinking
|I filed for divorce but I'm back
and forth with it. She calls me and tells me she loves me.
And like a fool, I tell her I love you too and make excuses that we
don't have to get divorced, it's just a preliminary thing.|
|When she is here, we make love
for hours at a time. But after searching your web site, I now
think it is more of trying to keep her happy and have some sort of
value in her life. |
|I walk on egg shells not to
incite her into a rage. Even so far as|
asking my children not to call or come over when she is around.
|I have a business that is
suffering from all of this. I find myself stressed about her
being gone, happy about her being gone, missing her, wanting her, even
with the abuse. |
|Even with her accusations and
distorted view of relationships between a father and his children,
even with the verbal assaults, even with her rage at me 30% of the
time, even with her lies and deceit and her manipulation of me, I walk
around thinking she loves me. This is not love.|
Well Dr. Irene, this is just a summary. I could of started and
gone on for hours. In fact I'm not happy with the way this e-mail
turned out with the exception it feels good to write it down.
Currently I email my wife and tell her to find a man that will make
her happy, that she is free to date, and meet whomever she wants to,
take her wedding rings off (which I'm sure she has done a long time
ago), and just be happy. Start new. I feel good about it
but then she calls with the I love you's etc.. and I'm back where I
started. I get weak. And Stupid.
Anyway, thanks again. Dean
Well Dean, I don't
know what to say to you. You already know the deal. You know
you are hurting yourself - and hurting your children. Ignorance is
not keeping you in the relationship. You call it "weakness." I
call it "stupidity."
Your life is
your life. Do with it what you will. You can, you know. One way or the
other. Nobody ever said getting where you wanted to get had to be easy.
But, I guess that depends on where you want to get to.
Maybe the readers
will be more sympathetic than I am. My very best wishes, Dr. Irene
Readers: Got any
comments for Dean? But first, his quick reply to me:
Yeah, you're right on with the being stupid. I know the pain of
letting go so I should be ready mentally BUT......
Thanks for taking the time to read my e-mail. I suppose I only have
one choice. And I do continue to try and reach that point, but I am
met with a lot of counter stuff such as "I Love You" and "Don't
want to leave you." etc....
But I must push forward. You are selling yourself
out. Selling your children out. All because you like the sound
of the "I love you" words, whether there is meaning behind
them or not.
Thank You Dr. Irene I will continue to check the web page and have
referred it to several of my friends. You are very
gracious to thank me for this. You deserve so much more than you are
more letter first:
Dear Dr. Irene:
Since I received your response to my initial e-mail, I have had a lot of
time to think about and laugh GOOD! about
what you wrote. YOU ARE GREAT! Flattery will
get you everywhere...
You wasted few words to shake me back into the real world. I had to tell
several of my friends about your response and they seem to agree with your
prognosis and laughed as well. Even as I am writing to you I'm
having to smile and laugh at myself for being, what was the word, oh yea
STUPID!. A perfect diagnosis Doctor. I love
it! Laughing at the self is the BEST MEDICINE! Love it! Love it!!
Well hopefully you have heard the last from me, unless I want to find some
other reason for my behavior other than the one diagnosed. Thank you
Dr. Irene for being so blunt. I much prefer the upfront in your face
approach. I tend to believe in this approach more so due to my work
A fan for life, "Dean" Aw
I'd like to read the posts.