November 18, 2002
I was searching for advice on 'Love and Relationships' when I came across
Dr. Irene's site. Many posted stories hit home for me....but maybe everyone
feels this way about advice columns. I'm ashamed of my story because I'm
considered a conservative, intelligent and attractive woman.
I have been in an on-off relationship with a co-worker, Jake. We first
met working on a project together and we were instantly attracted to one
another. I was happily engaged (at least I thought so - until the moment I
met Jake) and suddenly found myself in a romance with Jake. He
promised me everything, even a better and more loving life with
him...so I left Mike, my fiancée.
I have never done that before: went against my family, friends, gut, and
everything I believed was right. At the time, I considered it a "romance
story" I could share with my grandchildren. He'd treat me to dinners and
plays and nights on the town. He'd let me cook, which at the time, I thought
was fun (my mom or Mike didn't care that I be domestic) and - he was serious
about me. He also helped me learn how to prepare meals so that when I
served, everything was hot; how to be a good hostess.
Soon after I left Mike, Jake spent less time with me and declared his
feelings as uncertain. He would always tell me that I should know what it's
like to be alone, so I'm not so clingy. When I would doubt or pull away, it
seemed my doubt in his interest was inaccurate - because he became as
attentive as can be: expensive restaurants and plays. You get the idea. Very
Anyway, one day I came home and found him in bed with another engaged
co-worker.! It was so humiliating! But I stayed with him because I
understood that people can make mistakes, and, if he has issues, I'll be
here when he gets over them. But things got worse...
I told him that I wanted to be treated better and I wanted to be in love
- and he thought I was complaining and trying to control him! Maybe it was
my self-denial which didn't allow me to see what he was saying. Eventually
the relationship deteriorated into just sex. He'd block his phone but then
unblock it or be extra nice to me at work when he wanted some tail. I bumped
into him a couple of times at the bar and he pretended not to know who I
was. I knew what we were going through was wrong; a day after sex I would
feel so ashamed...and ignored. I tried to be the better girlfriend, then
pal, then good coworker, but it seemed his attitude toward me would get
worse. We'd go through the cycle of attention, sex, isolation and then back
again. Unfortunately you got involved with one of
those types who can't handle a intimate connection. They are comfortable as
long as you belong to somebody else, or are otherwise unattainable.
Then you are "safe." People with issues like this often have personality
disorders of one sort or another.
He just sent me an email saying that he's told me several times that he
doesn't see himself in a relationship with me and that it's best if we both
go to someone else to fulfill our sexual appetites (although I never looked
at it like that). Once upon a time, neither did he!
Promise! To tell you the truth, I can't even imagine that....I can
just imagine his unresponsive stare if I said "fine, find your play toy, I'm
not interested in this thing anymore". Best thing you
can do! Time for you to leave this difficult period of your life behind,
consider it a lesson, and go back to trusting your initial impulses, your
integrity, those feelings you "know" are right...
Good luck to you! Doc