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Victim Too Angry To Love

Victim Too Angry To Love

February 26, 2000

Hi,  I am a male victim of a 26-year marriage that was very, very emotional and physically abusive.  At times I feared for my life because of her rage.  

History: I became a Born Again Christian at 17, about the same time I

I am writing 3 years after the marriage finally ended.  I have remarried since. I found a wonderful and loving wife who never, ever hurts me. However, I find myself packing enormous anger and rage feelings. Of course. I hope you share your experience with her. I hope you tell her that your misbehavior is not about her. I hope you do your best to control your behavior while you are working all this out. 

I'm married but still experiencing terrible after-effects. I find myself not allowing myself to love my new wife. I find myself angry inside and being distant towards her - not feeling much emotion in any manner towards her.  I hate these feelings. I hate that I have the love of my life in my home, yet, I have feelings that I don't like her - or anything or anyone else.  I'm filled with pain and anger from never expressing my emotion from my childhood and my 1st marriage.  Is this normal? This is normal for traumatized people. How do I heal from so many years of hell? By working it through and making sense of it. You need professional help with this.

I could write manuals on what I experienced with this woman. I couldn't get out.  It feels as though I was a POW for 26 years,  abused every day. I believed she loved me - yet she played with my mind, using every tool in the book - to avoid dealing with the real issues.     Help. Collin

Dear Collin,

You have been through Hell. My guess is that in marrying your first wife, you repeated what was probably a Hellish childhood. Of course you are angry. Of course you are confused. But, you are in a good place. You know what you are feeling doesn't make sense. You know your current wife deserves more than you are able to give. 

Good for you for recognizing that your abusive background has left you full of - appropriate - rage at what was! Get some professional help. This is something you can do something about! A wonderful learning opportunity is right around the corner... You deserve no less. Your new marriage deserves no less! So count your lucky blessings, take control of your life, and become the best self you can be!

My prayers are with you. Dr. Irene

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