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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

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12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

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7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Tips: Take Your Power!

Take Your Power: Tips for the Abused

by Dr. Irene

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."  -Mahatma Ghandi

bulletNever forget that your partner's objective is to engage you in a fight; to provoke and provoke and provoke until you lose your cool and blow up. Now your partner has you exactly where he or she wants you: looking totally nuts and irrational. "See, you are nuts!" They get to blow off some steam and you get blamed. Don't go there.
bulletDo not take the things your partner says personally. They are not about you. They are about your partner's attempt to engage you.
bulletNever, ever defend your position. That puts you in a one-down position. You have no reason to explain yourself to anyone (but yourself). You don't need anyone's permission or approval. Don't bother trying to change someone's mind or make them see your point. It doesn't matter.
bulletAlways control your tongue. Don't react when your partner tries to provoke you. Disengage. You are being dragged into another fight - you won't win.
bulletWhen you do speak, speak calmly. Be firm. Be assertive and never lose your cool. Do not say things you don't mean or things that will hurt your partner. You are just getting dragged into a fight you won't win.
bulletUse the "broken-record" technique. When the questions won't stop, calmly repeat your reply over and over again: "This is not the time. Stop now or I will go."   "This is not the time. Stop now or I will go." Etc., etc., etc.
bulletIf the provocation won't stop, get out of the line of fire. Calmly leave (e.g., no door slamming) or have your partner leave.
bulletWhen you are hurt by acts of withholding or omission, don't complain or nag. Back off. Pull back and either forget it or go get / do it yourself.
bulletRead Suzette Haden Elgin's You Can't Say That To Me!  Click title to get it at