|Do You treat the woman in your life with the same courtesy, respect, affection,
admiration, empathy, and emotional support you extend to your friends,
your coworkers, your boss?
If you find yourself speaking in a negative way to your woman, in a way
you know you would not speak to your friends (name calling, insulting, belittling,
cursing, gesturing, ignoring, etc., etc.) - STOP. Ask yourself what
is really bugging you - because its not her!
Whatever you ask for yourself from this woman, return same to her. If your
cultural or other principles
demand that you live your life as you choose, extend those expectations to
her. Demand of yourself that you allow her to live life as she chooses,
even if you think she would be better off doing it your way.
If you don't want her to invade your privacy, don't invade hers.
If you want her to respect your comfort level in things emotional and physical, respect
If she feels she has been
disrespected or poorly treated, don't try to argue your case. Simply
believe her. Learn from what she has to say.
Be fair. This means you not only look at what she is doing in the relationship, but
at what you are doing. Ask yourself some hard questions.
Be consistent. For example, if racism and sexism are wrong when
committed by women, they are equally wrong when men or White, Black,
Brown and Blue people participate in racist or sexist
Don't condemn her for behavior
that you would excuse in your friends. Better yet, don't condemn anybody!
See her for who she is. Do not make her your mother or your first wife.
Do not pin all the societal sins of "women" on him. She is an individual.
Listen to what she is saying. Listen with with your heart, and not your
"law degree". Stop using being "protective" as
an excuse to rule her.
Count to 10 or 100 or 1000 before you speak in anger! Sticks and stones
will break her bones, but words will kill her spirit. Few things are
more destructive to the bond of affinity and affection.
Treat sex as a sacred gift, not an entitlement.
Learn to be an emotional partner. Not a senior partner, not a junior partner, but
an equal partner. Work together for the common goals of the
relationship. Work individually to support your partner's emotional self.
The whole is bigger than the sum of its parts.
Compliment and encourage her. Resist judgmental-speak. Again, ask yourself, "Would I say this to
my close friend?" If you wouldn't, don't say it now.
Be just. This means sometimes you won't get what you want. Sometimes
she won't get what he wants. Without justice there is no
Recognize that you
have not done these things out of your intimacy fears and distortions. You
get angry when she does not give you what you think she should. You are
afraid she will push you away first. You disrespect her for putting up
The more you
learn to tolerate emotional closeness without pushing-away behavior, the more
you will learn to trust and appreciate the sense of peace and security
emotional intimacy brings.