December
25, 2000
Dr. Irene:
I recently remarried my ex-husband whom I divorced over 21 years ago.
Our story read like something of a fairytale. It was an answer
to both out prayers and we love each other very much.
For me it is turning into a real nightmare. After our divorce,
my husband married on the rebound. His version of the story was that
he his ex-wife was very controlling and that the last few years of the
marriage were very bad. The upshot was that they had a wonderful son
who is now 17 years old. Further, I now have the child that I
never thought that I would have and I love him very much.
The problem is that my husband is still carrying a pretty big bag of
rocks. It turns out that he had a bout with alcoholism,
anti-depressants and suicide. Yes, I knew about this before we
married. I believed in the man that I knew. He was a kind
hearted, gentleman.
The man that I am married to now is so consumed with anger and any little
thing will cause it to erupt. I am fearful of him. I
don't think that he would hit me, but I know that anger and hostility of
any kind is not something to engage in.
I relocated from a large city and I am suffering from culture shock.
My career has taken a major set back and I have a real
problem finding a job. My husband works a lot and in the beginning,
I had a lot of time on my hands.
When he gets angry, he yells and screams. His words are always cruel
and always, it is something that I did or someway that I do not measure
up. It is a real battle of wills to keep my self esteem up.
His temper tantrums range from leaving the mail box open, to mismatched
socks, to housecleaning.
Tonight, two nights before Christmas, I came home from school to let him
know that I got an email and was offered a very good job. I found in
a tyrant because I had washed his sweaters and they had lint on them.
Last Christmas, he went off on a tirade and left me in tears. Then
he and his son went out for a Christmas dinner without me. All I
wanted for Christmas this year was a peaceful family Christmas.
I could see this anger coming on. He has a lot on him. I knew
that it
would only be a matter of time before he erupted at me. All I wanted
was for him to just hang on until after Christmas. He will not go
for help. You see, he thinks that I am the one with the problem.
Yes: him!
I joined a group called x-house. This is a shelter for abused women
(abuse of all types). They have a very good support group and I can
go in secrecy. I went back to school to retrain for this
market and also, so I wouldn't be so lonely.
Tonight, after his tirade, I left and drove around for a while.
Right now we are quiet and are in two different rooms. If I had one
Christmas wish, I would combine the good traits of both ex-husbands to
make one good one. My second husband was a college professor.
He was intelligent, civil, polished and tranquil. However, he was
unfaithful and unreliable and although we
had a terrific sex life, I had no real passion for him.
My husband is the love of my life. I carry him in
my heart everyday. He is truthful, reliable, dependable and
hard working. I have a passion for him, that I have for no other
man. Although our sex life is sporadic. But I can't fix
or control his anger and I don't want undertake that task even if I could.
I can't imagine life without him, but I think about running.
Tonight, was a cut off switch. He told me a story about his ex-wife
wanting to change his name. He said that was his cut off switch, a
turning point. tonight, this outburst, his second Christmas present
was also a turning point.
I have about 16 more months in school. Right now I am trapped.
We have a house and I can not support myself. Truthfully, I don't
want to leave him. I am out of coping skills. Any suggestions?
Veronica
I want to read the posts.
