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Doc@DrIrene.com

Quick Relationship Profile

Quick Relationship Profile: Verbal Abuse

Masking the Anger

by Dr. Irene

The following characteristics are common in verbally abusive relationships:

bulletIn the beginning these relationships are wonderful - you think you finally met your dream person! But, the relationship deteriorates over time. The deterioration can occur over a few months or may take years.
bulletThis pattern is opposite from the progression in a "normal" relationship, where people start off slowly and grow to trust and love each other more over time.
bulletInsecure or shy people are most vulnerable to abusive partners. Controlling people are often expert pursuers. They are very big on charm, compliments, gifts, etc. They make you feel as though you are the most special person in the world. During this stage, they really think you are the most special person in the world. They can't be with you enough, can't go out of their way for you enough...until you're hooked. Then the party starts.
bulletThere is a breach of boundaries on both sides. Neither the abusive controller nor the codependent victim has a clear sense of where one person begins and the other ends. Neither realizes they have this problem.
bulletThe relationship is an emotional roller roaster. There is little peace. Just when things seem to be going well, the angry person somehow manages to pick a fight.
bulletThe angry person usually doesn't take responsibility for creating the problem. Somehow, the partner is blamed, or is provoked to lose their temper
bulletWhen the angry person is bad, they are very, very bad. When they are good, they are very, very good. (They have to be - to make up for all their mis-behavior!)
bulletThe angry person pursues when you have pulled back emotionally or are fed up with them.
bulletThe angry person does not allow their partner to be angry with them. If you are angry at them, they get even angrier with you.
bulletMany angry people and codependent people are addiction prone. Many evidence problems with drugs or alcohol, sex addiction, gambling, shopping, food, workaholism, etc.
bulletThe angry person is emotionally needy and may feel neglected or jealous when their partner spends time with close friends or family members, their stepchildren, even their own children. 
bulletMany angry people get angrier if their partner gets sick. Who will take care of them now?
bulletEmotional trust and comeradie are lacking. The angry person does not know how to trust and the victim has no basis to trust.