married to a Psychiatrist and a Sociopath.
He was a
doctor of medicine when we married but he wanted to specialise in
Psychiatry, which he did after our first son was born.
fourteen years older than me.
from a background of a mother, father and tree younger brothers.
It was not
a professional background. My father was a Master Builder and Decorator
and had his own business. We were intelligent children, did well at
school and were brought up to be honest and have social consciences.
made me feel and treated me as inferior because of my lack of a
University education. I lived in London and was at Grammar school
when the war started. Due to the war in Europe my education finished
when I was thirteen years of age.
were married I knew I was with a man who was not good for me.
Unfortunately , I was brought up to think that you do not have sex before
marriage. My husband was 34 and I was twenty when we first met.
He was experienced and had many affairs and some of his women were
married. I only found out about this later.
Considering how my husband kept telling me how important it was to have a
good character I was very hurt and disappointed to find out his character
was not what he had led me to believe .
He was all
talk and I began to see some of the ways he had and I was very hurt and
disappointed. It made me feel let down and I lost my respect for him, as
I had looked up to him as a man of honour. Maybe I was too young and
was experienced in life and love, he wore me down and with the promise of
marriage, I had sex with him He treated me very badly and was violent
before our marriage, but due to my upbringing I felt I could not go to
another man as I was no longer a virgin. Had I been able to accept as I
can now, that not being a virgin was no big deal, I would never have
trapped and had to make the best of it. Friends who knew him and were
also doctors said, ‘ Are you really going to marry him? Don’t you know he
is crazy”? I realise now they knew what they were saying. I thought
they were joking at the time.
met, I was a fashion model in the West End of London having attended a
well known Modeling School in London. While we were courting he showed
jealousy and anger and was very possessive.
I was and like many women, I took this to be a sign of his love for me.
He resented it when I was asked to sit for a Royal Academy Artist who
wanted to exhibit a bust of me. I refused in the end just to please him.
with my Aunt and Uncle at the time and they having never had children
looked upon me as a daughter. They warned me about the way he was
behaving and was very upset that I gave up my career because he did not
like me modeling. I only modeled suits and gowns. I would not model
underwear or swim wear.
lived forty miles away so I could not travel home so far.
He did not
like me to visit my parents and slowly he made me think they had treated
me badly as a child. That my mother was jealous of me and was neurotic
and that my love for my younger brothers was not normal.
He made me
believe he was the only person who really loved me and I stopped all
contact with my parents and my brothers for a long time. The day I
got married I sent them a telegram.
my way of dressing and made me very dowdy. He stopped me from presenting
myself as I would have liked to by keeping me short of money. Saying I
was a spend thrift. Even when he reached the height of his profession and
had a good salary he still kept me very short with only the money for
the weekly food shopping. He never let me learn to drive till I was forty
two. When he said I could . his reasoning was, ‘The children are
now old enough to cope without a mother should you be killed.“
insisted that every penny he gave to me was spent on food and expected
only the best. I used to make most of my clothes and a lot of my
children’s I did buy an item of clothing for my youngest my son at a sale
once and he behaved like a madman and we had a dreadful fight. Many
times I tried to leave him and did so when my eldest son was five and my
daughter was two.
I went to
my parents who let me stay with them. I told my mother that I thought I
was going mental as my husband repeatedly told me he would have me
committed. I was depressed down at heel, very plain with no make up and
a bun My Mother was very upset to see me like this. She told me in
no uncertain words that my husband was the one who was mad and I should
get the idea that there was something wrong with me out of my head. He
came to my parents a few times to try to get me to change my mind and go
back to him.
he brought his aunt with him to try to get me to return to him then he
brought an elderly woman friend. My parents were wonderful to me and gave
me back my life. I felt better than I had for years. I was happy again.
courtship had been one of constant analysis. My husband would question me
about everything in my past. Once I told him that when I was eight my
father had fondled me in a way I had not liked. I had forgotten
about it but the constant questioning from my husband awoke this memory.
refused to go back to him he told me that he would go to a solicitor and
tell him that he did not want his little girl in the house with a man who
had molested his daughter when she was a child.
he had me! I could not let this happen!
never told anyone and I knew what it would do to my parents. So against
my parents warning I went back to him knowing that I could never leave
him now as I had nowhere I could go and no one to turn to. So I
lived for twenty seven years with this man who I finally divorced. I knew
my children were old enough to understand and by this time they had also
suffered from their father’s abuse and tyrannical ways and had not
enjoyed a normal family background.
strong ! My youngest son was fifteen and I wanted to make sure he was not
going to be subjected to the ravings of his father any more. Also
I suddenly developed difficulty in breathing. I asked my doctor if I was
going to become an asthma sufferer.
said it was due to my husband and the way he treated me He said he had
seen the way my husband behaved when I had a slipped disc and how he
told the doctor I was neurotic and was acting. My doctor replied at the
time ‘If you had what your wife has Sir, you would not be able to
walk.’ My husband replied, ’I hurt my back gardening a few weeks
ago but I got better; she is neurotic.'
him if he would talk to my husband and he replied, ’How can I, a GP talk
to a Consultant Psychiatrist about his behaviour?’ I knew then there was
no one who could help me and so I started divorce proceedings. My friend
a lady Psychiatrist who had been my husband's assistant in earlier years
told me that when you find your health is suffering then the powers of
self survival kick in. However with some women they do not follow this
instinct as they lack courage and end up living their late years as
Now as I
look at the picture of my marriage, I realise I was married to a
symptoms I have read, show this without any doubt.
biggest concern I now have is what he may have done to his patients.
I realise he had a need to be admired and in control. He wanted victims
who looked upon him as a savior and in Psychiatry there is a situation
which is called Transference. You encourage the patient to fall in
love with you so they will do your bidding. (You
don't "encourage" it; in psychoanalytical psychiatry the transference
just happens.) This method is supposed to help the patient and
then when they are on the road to recovery comes the weaning period where
the Psychiatrist weans the patient away from him.
By being a
Psychiatrist my husband was allowed to fulfill the need in him to enjoy a
victim. He had the opportunity to get someone who would follow him
blindly never questioning his motives or his advice. They would have
someone they saw as kind, sympathetic, caring honest and learned.
Never knowing the true personality of the man and what made him tick.
would willingly believe that he was unbiased when he gave them advice.
That he had no hang ups that would make his advice questionable.
charm, was quite good looking and was from Vienna the home of
Psychoanalysis. He played the part well and with his accent looked the
typical picture of the Psychiatrist as we have been shown.
I spent my
years trying to please him. I tried not to have rows because of my
children. He belittled me in company and was surprised if I knew
something he did not. He assumed all I had learned was from his
teaching. He would say’ Come children’ and that included me. Luckily I
come from a family of strong women and I thank God for this as had I not
I would have ended up in a mental hospital. I am sure he actually wanted
this to happen as that way he would think there was nothing wrong with
him. That is what he wanted my children to believe when he continually
said that their mother was a neurotic.
faithful all through our marriage. He even made me feel as though I was
chatting up the coal man when I gave the man a cold drink on a hot day
after he delivered the coal. I was always afraid if a man talked to me
as he would think I had been encouraging him. Later he was
paranoid and was trying to say that every young man had his eye on me and
that was right for me to feel I wanted him. I told him he was sick!
I knew he would have been happy to be able to use the word ‘whore’ as he
used to call me when in a temper. I know it would have pleased him to
feel he had good reason to call me these names. It would have
confirmed his belief that I was a slut. Another word he liked to use.
But I would never give him that satisfaction.
he hated women as he had loved one and she let him down and I decided he
was making me suffer because of that. Always looking to find an excuse
for his bad behaviour. He treated our daughter with the same disdain and
was sadistic in what he would say to her. Our eldest son was put
on a pedestal and could do no wrong. He was the only important
thing in my husbands life .
all sorts of excuses to satisfy myself that he could not help the way he
was. He would tell me he loved me even though he never showed it and that
he would change. Like a fool, I believed him.
I know now
that I am one of the many women who believe these men and so I am able to
feel better about myself. Yes!
read and studied the behaviour pattern of Sociopaths, I now accept that
my husband had all the symptoms.
eldest son shows the same pattern with his life. Both his women who have
children by him have suffered abuse and violence. He, talks about them
the same way his father spoke about me.
they are neurotic, they are idiots, and that they provoke the situation
and are the cause of his behaviour. He can never see or accept he
is at fault in any way. He is charming, intelligent and gets women
easily. They fall for him but soon recognise him as selfish, vain,
unsympathetic, a user, a taker , and with a bad temper.
My son is
now fifty-five and I am no longer in touch with him as he abuses me
verbally on the internet. I married again and had twenty-one happy years
of love and respect from a normal man.
I was never neurotic as my husband tried
to make me out to be.
divorced him, I became a successful business woman an artist, a
ceramicist, a published writer and a poet. I was on committees and did
a lot of charity work. My life was happy and I never looked back. I
was like a bird let out of a cage and I flew high.
seventy-eight now and am able to let go of my son . I do not have to put
up with his abusive outbursts. I had enough from his father.
been honest with him and stupidly I have tried to make him see where he
goes wrong but it is of no use. I am in touch with his women , the
mothers of my grandchildren. I sympathize with them and stand by them.
who can understand better than me how easy it is to fall in love and
live with a Sociopath? Julie
Dear, dear Julie, A harrowing tale indeed, but one
with a happy ending. Thank you for sending in your story. God bless you,