How to get Dr. Irene's Advice: Look here!

Ask The Doc Board

The CatBox Archives

 

(Archives)

4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Abuse & Pop Culture

Abuse and Pop Culture

by Dr. Irene

“The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.” - Sigmund Z. Engel

222

November 17, 2002

Reading this site to get a handle on abuse? Well, you're in good company. Abuse phenomena are a fact of life folks. Even pop music lyrics, which are a good reflection of our society, tell abuse stories.  "Always A Woman" written by Chantal Kreviazuk and popularized by Billy Joel in the late 70s is the typical story of a man in love with a narcissistic woman. Billy's ode to his love:

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
And she can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child
But she's always a woman like me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
And she can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free
She steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She will promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleeding
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
'Cause she's always a woman to me

Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
But she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
The most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

Mmm, mmm, mmm mmm mmm, mmm

 

On a subtler note, look at the 80s song "Don't You Want Me" by The Human League: the abusive male proclaims his love and hate in the same breath; what he's done for her; how he can knock her down. On a positive note, the woman, who is not so codependent, knows better than to defend herself or get into an argument with him. Maybe that's what she spent the last 3 years doing! (Giggle!)

(Sung by Male) You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
When I met you
I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around
Turned you into someone new
Now five years later on you're got the world at your feet
Success has been so easy for you
But don't forget it's me who put you where you are now
And I can put you back down too

Don't, don't you want me
You know I can't believe it when you say that you won't see me
Don't, don't you want me
You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me
It's much too late to find, you think you've changed your mind
You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry

Don't you want me baby
Don't you want me, oh
Don't you want me baby
Don't you want me, oh


(Sung by Female) I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
That much is true
But even I knew I'd find a much better place
Either with or without you
The five years we have had have been such good times
I still love you
But now I think it's time I live my life on my own
I guess it's just what I must do

Don't, don't you want me
You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me
Don't, don't you want me
You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me
It's much too late to find, you think you've changed your mind
You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry


Chorus


 
How about this uplifting song best performed by Gloria Gaynor, which could well be the theme song of sooo many women who frequent this site:
First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
You think I'd crumble
You think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
And you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
Still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free
Now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me
 
From a reader:
There is this new song by Dishwalla - Angels and Devils. I love this song because I believe it talks about the ups and downs of any relationship, giving up the relationship, and "fighting all the demons"...that..."will take time". I hope you have the time to read my email. Thank you. C.

ANGELS or DEVILS

This is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside
I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time
the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see
still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time
the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us
if I was to give in - give it up
- and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

Music: Dishwalla and G. Wattenberg

Lyrics: JR

Thank YOU C!
And the list goes on... 

What's the point of this article? Simply to underscore the widespread prevalence of abuse in our culture. As long as we insist on taking advantage of others or allow ourSelves to be taken advantage of, "love" will (eventually) hurt us. No matter which side of the abuse coin you may be more at home with, it's really all about Self-respect...        Doc