upon a time, I thought,
was the soul mate I had sought.
loved this man, with all my heart,
last, I believed, a brand new start.
was so thoughtful, loving, kind.
always kept my feelings in mind.
went all out to show my love.
thanked whoever was up above.
felt the same, or so I thought.
first it seemed that's what I got.
soon his doubts began to creep,
peace, and even sleep.
matter what I said to him,
view of me was very grim.
of lying and cheating too,
tried to tell him it wasn't true.
all the signs are there", he said.
subconsciously in your head
just aren't aware of what you feel."
he was wrong; my feelings were real.
I did was ever enough.
mood and temper were becoming gruff.
negative thoughts he had of me
real to him but hurtful indeed.
questioning my thinking and feeling,
leave me sinking, my head just reeling.
he will see, I thought.
fears about me aren't real; they're not.
soon my denial of his perception
more fears of my intention.
began to suspect my goal was control.
defending my self, I was digging a hole.
was angry because I said he was wrong
realizing he'd done this to me all along.
controlled my emotions when he was suspicious,
displays of anger became more malicious.
wouldn't hurt me, or so I thought.
in his cycle I was caught.
was expected to understand
fears and lend a helping hand.
talking led nowhere, he kept insisting.
love and devotion he was resisting.
own self-esteem was really dwindling.
take my defence and use it as kindling.
anger and resentment my voice would get higher.
thing I knew we had a raging fire.
fault he said, for being defensive,
was just talking; I was offensive.
he will see, I thought.
was usually responsible when we fought.
constant, subtle doubts of me,
putdowns about my family,
accusations about my intentions,
frequent, confusing misperceptions.
parenting, housekeeping: both in question.
opinions, feelings, every suggestion
reasons for anger, resentment and rage.
was beginning to feel like I lived in a cage.
was offensive and I was oppressed.
cried all the time, became very depressed.
according to him, I was equally bad
saying mean things when I got mad.
I am just human and I couldn't take
one I loved filled with so much hate.
called me a liar, a cheater too.
always said I don't know what I do.
hate you, don't love you; get out of my life."
love you, I'm sorry, please be my wife."
never shut up, you're such a bitch,
over, I've had it; you blew it you witch."
didn't mean it, I'm just so stressed,
had a rough life and I'm so depressed."
I've called him unstable, crazy, psychotic,
selfish, controlling, neurotic.
he choked me while I cried, "I love you, I do"
maybe in fact my words were true.
course I defended myself, who wouldn't?
loved and trusted, too bad he couldn't.
I had thought is now long gone.
time for me to carry on.
hope someday that he will see
what he did to me.