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Doc@DrIrene.com

Narcissist Wants Divorce

My Story: The Narcissist Wants A Divorce

All receive advice. Only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
 

February 14, 2003

Hello Dr. Irene, Hello!

I married my husband 5 1/2 years ago.  Before I married him, I knew we got into many very long, volatile arguments, but I thought that was O.K. because when we we were not fighting, we were so happy and in love.  My parents fought often throughout their marriage (they divorced when I was in my early 20's) and I thought that arguing was a normal part of a relationship.  Ouchhh!

Sometimes, I want to blame my parents for my poor choice for a husband, but I know I was responsible for making a poor, blind decision when I married him.  My husband was attending college when I met him. He was in his late 20's. He had been in the air force and then had several odd jobs until starting school. When we first started dating, he, of course, put me on a pedestal. I was initially turned off by that, but eventually fell for it.

I was pretty vulnerable at the time.  I lent him a great deal of money to buy a car.  When I approached him about a payment plan to re-pay me, he managed to turn the whole thing around and accuse me of not trusting him. He wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day. I never believed him, but somehow, I decided that that was not grounds to get out of that relationship. (I could really kick myself now.)

Well, similar situations occurred throughout our relationship.  It wasn't until we had a child together 3 1/2 years ago that things got really bad.  He tried to start several businesses. I was very vocally skeptical about all of them because I did not see much commitment by him.  He did not seem to put a lot of work into any of these ventures, just a lot of money.  We became very in-debt.  I was unable to pay all the bills. He was  bringing very little money in and continuously spent my money on very expensive "toys" and trips for himself. Every time I confronted him about not helping with our daughter (I have always been the main caregiver) or making poor financial decisions, he tried to turn it around and blame me somehow.  

He became very distant from me and our daughter and began threatening me with divorce. He thought I was not supportive of him, his feelings, and his career.  I did not buy into his distorted reasoning, and began to hate him. But I desperately did not want to be a divorced mother.   I decided to just go along with anything he said or did, but it didn't work.  

He became a dead beat dad and husband.  I must admit that I have a Master's in Clinical Psychology and just recently came to the realization that my husband is a Narcissist.  That's when I found this wonderful website.  It has been so therapeutic for me. It validated all my feelings and I realized I am not alone.  My husband has a father (I use that term very loosely) who never really cared too much for him and a mother who has never set limits with him and let him do whatever he wanted.  I learned from your website, that these parenting traits often lead to children developing narcissistic behaviors as adults. Yes, parents can certainly help train this stuff, but keep in mind, this is nature-nurture. This stuff starts in the genes...

My husband moved out of the house a few months ago, saying he wants a divorce. To me, divorce is the ultimate failure in life, but I am trying to realize that this horrible man is the person causing this and I need to just accept it and know that I have been the best possible wife and mother.  I pray that my daughter will come out of this alright.  I have always tried to make the right decisions concerning her and will continue to do so.  Unfortunately, the best thing for her probably is that we are not together. (I still have not completely admitted that to myself.) Ahh, but you're sure getting there!

 I am very lucky, because my family and friends are so supportive and have all seen through him.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my story and thank you for this wonderful website.

Coping

Dear Coping,

It's sometimes very hard to do the things that we know are in our best interest. Sometimes dependency needs get in the way. But hubby took the initiative and forced your hand. In so doing he may have saved you years and years of pain. Growth hurts too, but the results are worthwhile.

Thank you for writing and for your kind words. Hang in there, and keep striving to become the best that you can be. With your wonderful attitude, I think the day will come that you'll be very glad he went on his merry way.

Hang in there and may God bless you and yours,

Dr. Irene

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