|February 14, 2003|
Hello Dr. Irene, Hello!
I married my husband 5 1/2 years ago. Before I married him, I knew we
got into many very long, volatile arguments, but I thought that was
O.K. because when we we were not fighting, we were so happy and in
love. My parents fought often throughout their marriage (they
divorced when I was in my early 20's) and I thought that arguing was a
normal part of a relationship. Ouchhh!
Sometimes, I want to blame my parents for my poor
choice for a husband, but I know I was responsible for making a poor,
blind decision when I married him. My husband was attending college
when I met him. He was in his late 20's. He had been in the air force
and then had several odd jobs until starting school. When we first
started dating, he, of course, put me on a pedestal. I was initially
turned off by that, but eventually fell for it.
I was pretty vulnerable at the time. I lent him a
great deal of money to buy a car. When I approached him about a
payment plan to re-pay me, he managed to turn the whole thing around
and accuse me of not trusting him. He wouldn't talk to me for the rest
of the day. I never believed him, but somehow, I decided that that was
not grounds to get out of that relationship. (I could really kick
Well, similar situations occurred throughout our
relationship. It wasn't until we had a child together 3 1/2 years ago
that things got really bad. He tried to start several businesses. I
was very vocally skeptical about all of them because I did not see
much commitment by him. He did not seem to put a lot of work into any
of these ventures, just a lot of money. We became very in-debt. I
was unable to pay all the bills. He was bringing very little money in
and continuously spent my money on very expensive "toys" and trips for
himself. Every time I confronted him about not helping with our
daughter (I have always been the main caregiver) or making poor
financial decisions, he tried to turn it around and blame me somehow.
He became very distant from me and our daughter and
began threatening me with divorce. He thought I was not supportive of
him, his feelings, and his career. I did not buy into his distorted
reasoning, and began to hate him. But I desperately did not want to be
a divorced mother. I decided to just go along with anything he said
or did, but it didn't work.
He became a dead beat dad and husband. I must admit
that I have a Master's in Clinical Psychology and just recently came
to the realization that my husband is a Narcissist. That's when I
found this wonderful website. It has been so therapeutic for
me. It validated all my feelings and I realized I am not alone. My
husband has a father (I use that term very loosely) who never really
cared too much for him and a mother who has never set limits with him
and let him do whatever he wanted. I learned from your website, that
these parenting traits often lead to children developing narcissistic
behaviors as adults. Yes, parents can certainly
help train this stuff, but keep in mind, this is nature-nurture. This
stuff starts in the genes...
My husband moved out of the house a few months ago,
saying he wants a divorce. To me, divorce is the ultimate failure in
life, but I am trying to realize that this horrible man is the person
causing this and I need to just accept it and know that I have been
the best possible wife and mother. I pray that my daughter will come
out of this alright. I have always tried to make the right decisions
concerning her and will continue to do so. Unfortunately, the best
thing for her probably is that we are not together. (I still have not
completely admitted that to myself.) Ahh, but
you're sure getting there!
I am very lucky, because my family and friends are
so supportive and have all seen through him. Thank you for giving me
the opportunity to share my story and thank you for this wonderful
It's sometimes very hard to do the
things that we know are in our best interest. Sometimes
dependency needs get in the way. But hubby took the initiative and
forced your hand. In so doing he may have saved you years and years of
pain. Growth hurts too, but the results are worthwhile.
Thank you for writing and for your
kind words. Hang in there, and keep striving to become the best that
you can be. With your wonderful attitude, I think the day will come
that you'll be very glad he went on his merry way.
Hang in there and may God bless you