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Spouting: On The Female Narcissist

 Spouting: On The Female Narcissist

“Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”
- Chinese Proverb

August 14, 2002

Dear Dr. Irene,

This is Marty and I have enjoyed reading your articles. Flattery will get you (almost) everywhere!  However I'm somewhat concerned that these descriptions of narcissists are almost totally applied to males and not females. Have you looked here? And here? In my own relationship experiences, I have found most of the women I met and/or dated or married to - have massive egos and very narcissistic. "Most?" Hmmm...

 

It seems like the ratio is more 50/50 than 75/25 men to women who are narcissistic.  In my opinion, with today's gender roles being blurred, it seems like there are as many women as men with this problem. Maybe because we live in a society that places high value on self gratification and self fulfillment.  Nope. I quote from The DSM-IV, the official "diagnostic bible" used by mental health clinicians: "Of those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, 50%-75% are male." (page 660)
 
 
I have met just as many women as men who were incapable of emotional depth and are superficial as much as some men. I have also met guys who are deep emotionally and not superficial - some of them very good looking guys.
 
I have had some relationships with women and it didn't work out, as these ladies were very self absorbed in their careers and themselves, even though I told them that I care about them and demonstrated a lot of affection. Didn't expect anyone to worship me. I just like someone who makes as much effort in the relationship. Sadly, most single women don't do that. You sound as though you are ready for a serious relationship. It would be a good idea for you to screen for women who want same.
 
You want to know what these women said to my co-workers and/or friends after we broke up?  They say " I didn't have any feelings. " Yeah, trash the guy - so the women doesn't have to look like the piece of narcisstic crap she really is. Wow!!! they are pros at playing the victim.

What a crock of s*$t.

Made the mistake of dating a girl at work--what a mistake. she was psycho and had emotional problems. Couldn't accept my feelings without freaking out. When we broke up after 1 month of dating, she told people at work that I loved and left her, that I had no feelings. She's a pro at work looking like the stable one. However 2 co workers have seen her make an angry emotional outburst and realize she's a psycho. She later admitted that she hated me for 6 months. What up with that?? So we went out 5 times and had sex once-makes us married? She hates men--plain and simple and she is f*%*ed up.

I broke up the relationship because it was dysfunctional --I was not ready to trust an unstable women like her and she was still screwed up from the last relationship. Hmmmm--who sounds more narcissistic?
 
I don't hate women, I know it sounds angry, I'm just sick of seeing all these web sites portraying women as victims and men as perpetrators. C'mon, the women perpetrate just as much. Who said they didn't?
 
 I am at the point, as a 40 year old, that I'm ready to give up on them. Like -there is no satisfying them.  Seems like no matter what a guy does-you can't win. I have male friends in their 20s who feel the same. If I could become Gay - I would, and never look back or regret it. I'm just not attracted to hairy legs and a 5 o'clock shadow. Anything less than offering her the world subjects a guy to rejection and/or scorn. So, what are you gonna do? Invent a third sex? Become a monk?
 
Your articles are well done.  I have learned a few things about myself. Believe that everyone is narcisstic to some extent. It's ok to care for your needs like food, clothing , taking a shower and wanting friends to hang with for some attention. As long as it is reciprocal and balanced, it works.
 
When it is extreme is when it's bad. Sorry to say , there is a lot of that today. Lots of fear out there.
 
Keep posting your articles and I hope my spouting about my opinion on the subject will give guys a more even shake.
 
Sincerely,
Marty

Dear Marty,

Don't know what you're doing, but you're doing something that's not working. There's a lot of lovely gals out there. Too many! Why aren't you finding them?