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My Husband is Addicted to Sex & Anger

My Husband is Addicted to Sex & Anger

 

From: Theresa

Sent: Saturday, May 29, 1999 9:42 AM

Subject: Thank you for being there

Hi Dr. Irene,
I am so happy I found your site, it is very lonely having no one to talk to about these things.

My husband is a verbal abuser, and I am afraid at times he will get physical, he has physically restrained me while fighting with me. He always has to be right and he will argue with me until he wins, or "nails me" as he puts it.

I have suspected that he is addicted to sex, he is always making comments about how often I "put out", and having sex 3 to 5 times a week is not enough for him as it is for me.  After we have sex I usually go to bed since I have to wake up early for work, he stays up late.  I've discovered he has masturbated within a couple hours of when we had last had sex on many occasions.  He has about 10 porn videos, magazines and goes onto the net.  He frequently asks me for anal sex, and I have done this but find it uncomfortable, sometimes painful. I have made him very aware of this and he still keeps at me for it.

To make matters worse, in the past year he has asked me to urinate on him while he performs oral sex on me. I find this so disgusting but have given in a few times to make him happy.  I am worried that this will escalate into other things and that he will need this to satisfy  himself if I give in more often.  I will admit that I have spied on him, checking the history on the computer. He goes into fetish sites.  I am scared.  Any confrontation leads to a fight no matter how I approach him. 


He would never agree to counseling. We have been married almost 4 years and have been together for 12. This is a second marriage for me and I don't want it to fail, but I feel these problems are so far over my head that I am stuck.  He was a verbal abuser for years and I know I have very low self-esteem. I feel like a fool for knowing this and marrying him anyway.

We fight a lot.  My feelings towards sex are so warped right now, I never feel like we make love. I feel like an object.  Is there any hope for me at all?  Please help me, I am so depressed.

Dear Theresa,

If you are afraid of your husband, think hard about getting out. It is not OK to live in fear.

Anger, substances, sex, etc., are all addictions in that there is an obsessive-compulsive quality to the behavior. The compulsive behaviors all serve to distract the individual from what is going on in his or her life. It is typical to find more than one of these addictions together, or find other addictions underneath when one addiction is controlled. This is my observation in substance abuse in particular.

Bottom line: sex is a consensual act of love. If you feel like an object or are engaging in acts you are disgusted by, why are you agreeing to do them? You need this guy that much?

If you continue to give in to keep the peace, over time, he will escalate in terms of the anger  and the sex. He will disrespect you more and have increased contempt for you. Your self esteem will diminish more and more and your depression will increase.

For starters, go to this online 12-step support group index and start connecting. Read some of the books recommended on this site. Get into counseling to help you get the strength to get out. Contact your local battered woman's shelter for counseling options. See your family doctor and ask about a medication evaluation for your depression, since depression makes it even harder to make changes.

Good luck; get moving...you're all you've got!

Dr. Irene