Hi Dr. Irene,
I am so happy I found your site, it is very lonely having no one to talk to about these
My husband is a verbal abuser, and I am afraid at times he will get physical, he has
physically restrained me while fighting with me. He always has to be right and he will
argue with me until he wins, or "nails me" as he puts it.
I have suspected that he is addicted to sex, he is always making comments about how often
I "put out", and having sex 3 to 5 times a week is not enough for him as it is
for me. After we have sex I usually go to bed since I have to wake up early for
work, he stays up late. I've discovered he has masturbated within a couple hours of
when we had last had sex on many occasions. He has about 10 porn videos, magazines
and goes onto the net. He frequently asks me for anal sex, and I have done this but
find it uncomfortable, sometimes painful. I have made him very aware of this and he still
keeps at me for it.
To make matters worse, in the past year he has asked me to urinate on
him while he performs oral sex on me. I find this so disgusting but
have given in a few times to make him happy. I am worried that
this will escalate into other things and that he will need this to
satisfy himself if I give in more often. I will admit that
I have spied on him, checking the history on the computer. He goes into
fetish sites. I am scared. Any confrontation leads to a
fight no matter how I approach him.
He would never agree to counseling. We have been married almost 4 years and have been
together for 12. This is a second marriage for me and I don't want it to fail, but I feel
these problems are so far over my head that I am stuck. He was a verbal abuser for
years and I know I have very low self-esteem. I feel like a fool for knowing this and
marrying him anyway.
We fight a lot. My feelings towards sex are so warped right now, I never feel like we
make love. I feel like an object. Is there any hope for me at all? Please help
me, I am so depressed.
If you are afraid of your
husband, think hard about getting out. It is not OK to live in fear.
Anger, substances, sex, etc., are
all addictions in that there is an obsessive-compulsive quality to the behavior. The
compulsive behaviors all serve to distract the individual from what is going on in his or
her life. It is typical to find more than one of these addictions together, or find other
addictions underneath when one addiction is controlled. This is my observation in
substance abuse in particular.
Bottom line: sex is a consensual
act of love. If you feel like an object or are engaging in acts you are disgusted by, why
are you agreeing to do them? You need this guy that much?
If you continue to give in to
keep the peace, over time, he will escalate in terms of the anger and the sex. He
will disrespect you more and have increased contempt for you. Your self esteem will
diminish more and more and your depression will increase.
For starters, go to this online
12-step support group index and start
connecting. Read some of the books recommended on this site.
Get into counseling to help you get the strength to get out. Contact your local battered
woman's shelter for counseling options. See your family doctor and ask about a medication
evaluation for your depression, since depression makes it even harder to make changes.
Good luck; get moving...you're
all you've got!