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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

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12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

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7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

A Message From Dan

A Message From Dan

May 23, 2000

Irene-

Dan Here. I am the guy who did all the emails with Larry (Self Proclaimed Sociopath), and I suspected he was phony. And you emailed me back, and told me you didn't think he was.  Now I think that Larry, really Lou, really exists.

It has been an emotional two days for me, with family, and friends, and people that I was hurting, that I was blind to.

I was hiding by trying to "fix" Lou, and trying to "work" on Jake (the Mexican man having the trouble with wife and mother-in-law).

Things are coming to light.

I apologize for using your service as my own sounding board.  I did hope Lou felt better, but I was also using your site as a forum to get all my stuff out there, as fast as I could, just to prove myself.  I am sorry, to you, and to Lou, and to Jake. You really helped Lou and Jake! You got through to them! 

You can post this if you want, and you can post this from "Dan."  I would love it if you wanted to, but please leave out my email address, ok? You bet. Otherwise, you have my complete permission if you wish.  If you don't want to, that's ok too. But I would love it if you put this letter up, in fact I think it might be important. This is very important. But that's my opinion, which you don't have to share, and you might not think that's appropriate.  

Objectively, you have that right anyhow, and you know that. :)  But I am realizing, in my own head, truly for the first time ever, that you have the right to make up your own mind. :) Gee thanx! Sorry for the sarcasm, I didn't want to help it. I do know what you are saying though. It is a realization. One of those life realities that are so obvious, you're amazed you didn't see it all along...  

What is that joke about the world's smartest man asking God to make him even more intelligent, and God responds by turning him into a woman? Stop. This is not a sexist site. (But I'm healthy enough to accept your compliment anyway.)

Indeed. I am humbled.

Time to get to work on my own life..........

I love you, and I love Tim for his honesty, and so many others. God bless you all.

Dan

PS. I would love to hear back from you personally, but I don't know if that's a good idea, given my ego problems. I'm still trolling around for praise so badly. Kiddo, you got my kudos; deal with it.

Dear Dan,
I will publish this. (Of course, sans identifiers.)  I think this is a
wonderful note! Thank you for the note, and thank you for working so hard trying to fix the guys on the board. You got through...

This note is an example of "recovery in progress." It is so cool watching you spontaneously recognize your own stuff - and deal with it! It's also telling how you are having a hard time with the help you gave the others simply because you were admittedly blowing off your own steam. Well, you know what? You did blow off steam. And you know what else? You also helped others. 

So, why am I telling codependent you to continue fixing people? Because teaching what you know is a great reinforcement to one's own learning. Because your "fixing" was NOT unsolicited. People on these boards are asking for help. 

When is "fixing" wrong? When its not asked for; when it is compulsively used as a way of avoiding your own junk. Oh yeah, and when you offer your suggestions and get pissed that the other person won't take them. You only engaged in the second one for a little while; then you got back to yourself. There is no problem here at all. Plus, you used all of this to further your own insight. No problem! 

Can you deal with that? Hint: You'd better learn to. Patting yourself on the back is an integral part of healthy living. Even if your underlying motivation was initially self-serving, you're did not get stuck in fixing anybody and in avoiding your own stuff.

My very best wishes,    Dr. Irene

I want to read the posts.