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Doc@DrIrene.com

Merging: 1 Male + 1 Female Survivor

Merging: 1 Female + 1 Male Survivor = 1 Couple

January 22, 2000

Our Stories:

Pam's Story:

I married in 1973. We were both young. We stayed married for 19 years. I was involved in a children's program. We had two children, plus several long term foster kids.

The relationship was like being in prison: A dictatorship. He dictated what I was to do. He could do nothing wrong while I could do nothing right. I used to say "What do you think you are? Perfect?" His response was "Pretty damn close." I was told I was plain and in fact "nothing." He believed women are lower class citizens with no rights: "We were here first" he said, "Just read the Bible."

He always said he was sorry, but he was wrong so often: He kept hurting me. I felt like I was his housekeeper, not his partner: The only difference is I didn't get paid. I rarely took his money. I remember throwing money back at him cause I knew I'd hear about it later. I had my own money that I worked hard for.

Greg's Story:

I married in 1975. We were both young. She left after the birth of our second son. I raised my sons alone. I got involved with the "Father's Rights" movement. I was attacked and nearly died due to my involvement in the movement.

In 1989 I started a common-law relationship with the abuser. The relationship was based on, in my opinion, egalitarianism. I did not know that in her mind egalitarianism could never include a male. The abuse was mostly verbal / emotional with minor incidents of violence.

The worst incident was a day I was at home writing. She came in the front door, kicked her shoes off in two different directions. Took her top off and threw it on the mantelpiece. Took her bra off and threw it at the cat. Perched on the couch, she yelled for dinner while simultaneously screaming about the mess. When I told her that we had to eat quickly in order to get over to my brother's to discuss my father's growing insanity, she threw a fit that included throwing a cutting board and knife at me.

The relationship lasted eight years. I had to be hospitalized at the end.

The benefits we have:

Our benefits come down to a very few items: Understanding, caring and manners.

Pam:
bulletGreg understands what I went through. Even my best friends, who sympathize, cannot really understand.
bulletNot being called "Stupid" or "Moron" is a massive benefit.
Greg:
bulletPam listens to me. She may not understand, but she tries.
bulletPam cooks for me. I cannot begin to tell how great it is to have someone care enough to cook a meal: And it is the caring, not the food that matters.

Drawbacks:

We both have trust issues left over from our past (She has no reason to trust men. I have no reason to trust women.). We're working on this. Here are some other drawbacks:

Pam:
bulletGreg spends too much. I believe he feels he must buy my love.
bulletI keep waiting for Greg to get mad. "Where's the explosion?"
Greg:
bulletThe old song "You talk too much. You 'bout worry me to death." keeps going through my mind...
 

Love does not conquer all: Love combined with patience and understanding will conquer our pasts.

We will listen to your opinions and comments. We'll make up our own minds as to the best path to follow in our individual and collective recoveries, but we will listen to other's opinions.

 Dr. Irene

I have no comments, but would like to read others' comments.