| January 22, 2000
Our Stories:
| Pam's Story:
I married in 1973. We were
both young. We stayed married for 19 years. I was involved in a
children's program. We had two children, plus several long term
foster kids.
The relationship was like
being in prison: A dictatorship. He dictated what I was to do. He
could do nothing wrong while I could do nothing right. I used to
say "What do you think you are? Perfect?" His response
was "Pretty damn close." I was told I was plain and in
fact "nothing." He believed women are lower class
citizens with no rights: "We were here first" he said,
"Just read the Bible."
He always said he was
sorry, but he was wrong so often: He kept hurting me. I felt like
I was his housekeeper, not his partner: The only difference is I
didn't get paid. I rarely took his money. I remember throwing
money back at him cause I knew I'd hear about it later. I had my
own money that I worked hard for.
|
Greg's Story:
I married
in 1975. We were both young. She left after the birth of our
second son. I raised my sons alone. I got involved with the
"Father's Rights" movement. I was attacked and nearly
died due to my involvement in the movement.
In 1989 I
started a common-law relationship with the abuser. The
relationship was based on, in my opinion, egalitarianism. I did
not know that in her mind egalitarianism could never include a
male. The abuse was mostly verbal / emotional with minor incidents
of violence.
The worst
incident was a day I was at home writing. She came in the front
door, kicked her shoes off in two different directions. Took her
top off and threw it on the mantelpiece. Took her bra off and
threw it at the cat. Perched on the couch, she yelled for dinner
while simultaneously screaming about the mess. When I told her
that we had to eat quickly in order to get over to my brother's to
discuss my father's growing insanity, she threw a fit that
included throwing a cutting board and knife at me.
The
relationship lasted eight years. I had to be hospitalized at the
end.
|
The benefits we have:
Our benefits come down to a very
few items: Understanding, caring and manners.
Pam:
 | Greg understands what I
went through. Even my best friends, who sympathize, cannot
really understand. |
| Not being called
"Stupid" or "Moron" is a massive benefit. |
|
Greg:
| Pam listens to me. She
may not understand, but she tries. |
| Pam cooks for me. I
cannot begin to tell how great it is to have someone care
enough to cook a meal: And it is the caring, not the food that
matters. |
|
Drawbacks:
We both have trust issues left over
from our past (She has no reason to trust men. I have no reason to trust
women.). We're working on this. Here are some other drawbacks:
Pam:
| Greg spends too much. I
believe he feels he must buy my love. |
| I keep waiting for Greg
to get mad. "Where's the explosion?" |
|
Greg:
| The old song "You
talk too much. You 'bout worry me to death." keeps going
through my mind... |
|
Love does not conquer all: Love
combined with patience and understanding will conquer our pasts.
We will listen to your opinions and
comments. We'll make up our own minds as to the best path to follow in our
individual and collective recoveries, but we will listen to other's
opinions.
Dr. Irene
I have no comments,
but would like to read others' comments.
|
