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Doc@DrIrene.com

Lynn's Letter to Trubble & the Doc


Lynn's Letter to Trubble & the Doc (from Cat Box Cleaner board)

Back Up Next

"
It's not about sex, it's not about power and control, i

it's about two people who genuinely love each other enough t
o make the effort as a team."  -Lynn

August 26, 2000

Dear Trubbles,

Sock it to me really.  This was MY stuff. I'll bet mummy knew this from the 1st sentence.  :)  I can live with that.  I am also glad you didn't tell me once or twice. Some lessons have to be leaned by oneself.

Now I know why this works.  What I meant, felt and said was all there in my posts.  Every time I read the posts I reread my original and then went though the whole of everyone's again.  I was very confused about the girl with the boyfriend with the drugs, but something of mine is connecting with hers.  Correct?  Because some of hers is connected with mine. The selling out...

I apologized to Dan.  Long story and lets get into that, too.

The hard part is We can sit here and read the posts and your mail and now I can put my own comments with yours and figure out what was going on.  (Hard part because without it right in front of me it gets chopped up.)   It is all there in black and white and it unravels like a mystery. :)

Some things I left out of all the mail and posts, but are an integral part of the story, and this makes me think and feel the way I do today. One of these was solved and resolved in another of my 9 lives.  The sex thing.  My late husband was 20 years older than me.  He needed medication and sex went by the wayside.  He simply couldn't get it up. (Men can try to think with that, can't they?)  We went about a year and he wouldn't touch me, kiss me or love me (non sexual).

Crucial point.  I found smut magazines and movies.  I didn't see the movies, but the mags were so degrading and all the adjectives.  We also had teenagers in the house.  These were hidden under couch cushions ,  I even found a dildo under his dresser drawer.  Snooping? No.  Cleaning house started it and then I went on a search. Ouchhhh...

Good lesson here.  We had a good foundation and got some help and learned that because we couldn't have sex didn't mean we couldn't love. Once we got that going again, we got loving. :)  Non sexual loving and it was great.  Kissy, huggy, lovey and all of the fun stuff that got us headed this direction in the first place. True intimacy.  What all this stuff is about in the first place.  Why some can make it to old age when the kids are gone and just be happy with each other.

That was the SEX Thing.  I drug up all those dirty images and superimposed them on Dan.  I read this for days before it really it me....What sex thing?  Not that he's off the hook, but I might have made it worse than it was. Good girl! Worthy of 9 lives. (Isn't "Mixed Grill" just the best?)


I wasn't hearing what he said, " I was just curious about this cyber sex thing.  This was really trashy, I was acting like a kid." This was the first and only indication that this was going on.  Again, he's not off the hook.  Why did he take my stuff?  I imagined that he was guilty and so that was why the fight.  Maybe he felt guilty? Probably. Maybe it was also an escape?

Not off the hook and out of the woods, yet. Either of us, but a start. Out of the woods over this though.

He can be verbally abusive.  We need to work on that.  He doesn't show anger, EVER.  So controlled that I can feel it. He should have been angry at me.  I snooped in his mail box.  Bad human! If we were healthy this wouldn't have gotten so far out of control. :)

There is a lot of heavy stuff going on around us.  No wonder we jump in the same boundary.  Some of this pertains to Dan's DD brother.  Dan has co-guardianship, and he is being abused. Ouchhh. I have had to put this in God's hands, as we have tried everything twice or more and can't argue with the State. His mother tried to get guardianship legally changed to another brother and his wife who have legally adopted their sexually abused granddaughter.  No place for DD male.  We kept guardianship and enough said, but the dynamics are like this often. 

Dan's job is stressful this year and the anger of the tourists at him is unbelievable so he told me last night.  No, he can't get mad at them, but mad is mad and I got the leakage. Dan needs to get aware of his anger. It's one of the tools the Big Guy gave us to use.

Reread what I said about Dan if you have the time.  Does he really sound THAT bad?  No, he isn't. The Doc never thought he was...  He is begging you to take his money and help us through this. (This is ok, we do have lots of stuff, this is the first attempt by him alone to get into this.)  He practically had to get a dispensation from Buddha to get a few hours off Tuesday to get to a new therapist.  If I really hated this dude would I be pressing his jeans?  I hope not. We know you love the guy.

Our old therapist couldn't have been all that bad.  We did get some good out of her.  She did not understand the verbal bit at all though.  She was into co-dependence and if Dan could fix his past all this would work out.  After 5 years he is still on page 9 of Pia Melody's workbook.  I don't think this is for him. I don't think she was too far off track. He does need to do the work.

I don't know what of this he will share with you, but any will be great. This family secret stuff is really heavy in his family. His problem and he will have to let this go or not.  I can't fix the world.  Just the 7 cats and that is some of my stuff. I have to fix something.  Just to keep this interesting, he was in Viet Nam.  We'll have to charter Amtrak if we intend to keep hauling all this American Tourister. 

I loved Becky on the posts and the using against.  There have been times when I have disagreed with Dan, and he calls it "denial."  We can all interpret (sp?) anything anyway we want to, but to get to label others???  Another reason I like you so well.  "Yukky" is a great word.  I just want to get well, I don't want to have to learn a new language.

My childrens' father: I got out with 3 kids, 1 cat, 1 dog ,2 suitcases, $35.00, no child support nor did I ask for any.  We made it :) I have 3 great kids n their 30's who are all over achievers (does this surprise you?) :) They know this and recognize this and they can or cannot do what they choose about this.  They gave me a bright side.  They always knew they were loved and at least I didn't raise 3 under achievers.

Last paragraph for today as I must read my posts and accept my criticism. My late husband died after a checkup where they decided to do bypass surgery. I got there the night before and his son picked me up and brought me there. He and the Dr. were at the desk as I went into the room and the whole team came flying in.  He grabbed me, threw me on the bed and kissed me, and we somehow disconnected him and he was flatlining at the desk. Loads of laughter. He had the big talk with me.  Honey, if something should happen to me I want you to find someone else.  You are a young girl, etc.  I didn't want to hear.  He told me to shut up and listen.  I did.  He retired from USMC as a pilot and was a pilot and flight instructor until health went bad. Mr. Roberts was on TV.  I curled up with a chair, a wheelchair and had my legs under his covers and slept like a baby.  His favorite show was Mr. Roberts.  He had surgery the next day and died 3 days later. What a lovely man...

This is why I wish I could tell Dan, other guys, and even the wives. It's not about sex, it's not about power and control, it's about two people who genuinely love each other enough to make the effort as a team. I could never describe intimacy, but I have known it and felt it and it is what makes this worth while or not.  At the end of the road it's not about who won or lost.  I can look back and feel that we had a great love story.  I hope I am able to to have another.  But it does take two..

Thank you Trubbles.  Meow! Wow! Great message Lynn. Let's tell it again: It's not about sex, it's not about power and control, it's about two people who genuinely love each other enough to make the effort as a team. 

Love you, Trubble


Dear Dr. Irene,

There is a great story in my apology, too. Dan and I learned a lot and he also used bit of what he read on the boards.  He didn't talk.  You said Trust me on this.  He did.  A hug and a kiss and tears from him. No sex.  The time wasn't right and I didn't even have to tell him why. We know this is just the beginning, too.  Why, oh why did it take us 12 years to get this far? Another point.  Not all guys are worth it. We alone can decide who ...........

I really feel like saying Love, Lynn. So I will.
Love, Lynn

I'm so happy for you! He loves you; you love him. Keep the pressure up by respecting your integrity and both of you - Go for it!

Love, Dr. Irene