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Doc@DrIrene.com

Love Addiction

 On Love Addiction

Sent: Thursday, April 15, 1999

Subject: Relationships

Dear Dr. Irene,
I am a 45 year old woman in a relationship that is very difficult. I was married for 25 years to a verbal and abusive man. I have been divorced for almost 4 years. I met this man and after a month I knew I was falling for him. we have been seeing each other for almost 4 months now and I am not sure if it a healthy  relationship. He has been married 2 times, and also ended a long term relationship. The old girlfriend is still tied to him financially. I am at the point in this relationship where I am wanting to spend more time with him. We get really close and then he tells me that he is scared and feels like running. He doesn't want to feel the pain of being hurt again. This really scares me and I finally told him this. It seems when we get really close than he pulls away. He stops saying how much he cares for me. I tell him that I want to be with him and he says let me see what is going on and he will get back to me. For most of this time I have been on a roller coaster ride. When we are together everything seems so wonderful. I do a lot of crying because I do not know where I stand in his life. I have a very hard time saying what I need and want to say for fear that I will upset him or he will decide that he wants to break off things with me. He is in total control when we see each other and I do not think this is fair. He will be gone for the next 2 weekends and so far he has not made plans to see me before he is going. I really want to be with him and have let him know. He finally made plans to be with me tonight, but now it will be for dinner. I really do need help and I am not sure if I should speak my mind.
Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

There is something to be said for grandma's advice that the woman allow the man to chase her. You are making yourself way too available!

You say he is in total control and you think this is not fair. You are right, it is not fair. But there is really nothing to talk to him about. You are the only one who can level the playing field, and you do that only by your actions! Take control of yourself and stop chasing him. Why would you want to spend so much time with a man who isn't eager to see you? Make yourself and your family the center of your life. Live your life, and if you don't have one, this is the time to get one! If he cares, watch him move your way.

What if you stop chasing and he goes away? Well, you know the old saying: he was simply never yours. It is wonderful to let someone you care about know how you feel. But, you need to make it perfectly clear that you care even more about yourself. 

Don't sell yourself short; don't accept crumbs. If you settle for crumbs, that is all you will get. You deserve much more!

Good luck,

Dr. Irene

Dr. Irene, before I got your e-mail yesterday I had been doing a lot of thinking. walking. And he said he really was sorry. I went back and he kissed me