I have 2
children. One developed
anorexia with all of the abuse (verbal) in the house. Both adults,
they have
been married and divorced. My stuff started when kids were
preschoolers: I started emotional affairs. He found out
about one and became abusive. I was so stupid that I allowed
myself to become close with another man. This too he found out about,
and hit me really hard that time. And then the questioning began.
The threats, he went as far as to take a pistol to the man's house and
threatened him until he admitted we had sexual intercourse. He had been
my only sexual partner until then. I ended up leaving for a safe house.
I then allowed myself to do worse. I found my needs met in another
man, and this time we had * sex, which makes me sick now as I recall
it. I became the perfect justifier and rationalizer there ever
was! And finally my H found out.
Why do I think you
made sure he did?
Needless to say it was not good! I tried to make the marriage work. I tried a different counselor
and this one really got me going. Told me the facts plain and simple:
the way you dress and act DOES bring attention from other men. I
really didn't need to be doing that. (H is very jealous, which goes with
the abuser).
I left him when HIS counselor advised me to and filed
for divorce. But his sweet talking, forgiving attitude brought me
back. I went so far as to renew my wedding vows with him five
years ago. Since then with the help of God and my great counselor,
I have got myself turned around. I am very much aware of my
actions and how I dress and talk. I have worked hard to reassure
my H that I would NEVER cheat on him. I have repeatedly told him how
sorry I was.
Good.
His
response. I found out that he never has forgiven me. He has
thought of numerous ways to kill me including burning me at a stake,
hanging me, shooting me, etc. He says there is no way that he could
ever punish me enough for how much pain I have caused him. Then,
he owes it to himself to leave you. What's stopping him?
I know that my Savior has forgiven me, or I
would not be here. I couldn't live with myself. But now I see
something new coming from my H, and it scares me. The last 6 months
his sex drive went to zilch. He would tell me that his prostrate was
bothering him. Or, that at his age of 47 that you just don't get turned
on by looks anymore. He said he thought he could be impotent. This
scares you? The crazy, let's hurt each other relationship you are in
doesn't scare you, but his lack of sex drive does? Why are you
placing such an emphasis on sex?
Well, eventually I
decided to investigate his story.
My father discovered a new telephone with a recorder on it in our
vacation home and
told me about it. I thought that maybe it was a Christmas present
for me. It was not! When I went to the house and did not see it, I
started looking for it. It was then I discovered that he was
writing to women as a "DWM" and had several letters. I knew better
than to confront him, so I decided to do more research and
ask about it in front of a neutral person (a counselor).
He figured out how
to get back at you.
What I found
in his wallet was lots of cash
Why are you snooping
in his wallet?
and numerous cards of "massage
therapists," which really surprised me. There were dates on them
verifying that he had appointments with them. When I did confront
him about the phone, he said he had just got it 4-6 weeks ago (wrong I
found the receipt and he had bought it in Sept!). He lied about
the number of therapists he was seeing. He denied ever placing an ad.
(I saw the envelope that they came in addressed to him).
Now my therapist told me not to look in his
wallet.
Good advice.
this really confuses me as he never before had told me to stay out of
his wallet, and I seldom had picked it up.
Not saying anything
does not constitute permission. You should know better than to invade
someone's boundaries.
Now when he is in the
shower, I make a point to take a look!
Oh boy...
and sure enough there are new
women's addresses and phone numbers showing up!
He seems to delight in
having me in pain and wondering. He never once has he said that he is
sorry, like the pastor suggested. He tells me, "What's the matter?
You can dish it out but you can't take it?" So I struggle. After 28 years of marriage, I really don't want to start
over. Yet I am afraid that he will only continue to enjoy causing
me pain and misery. AM I RIGHT?
I don't know.
I think you are well-suited to each other. You are both experts at
causing each other pain and misery
Or, is there a chance that he could
change?
Is there a chance
that both of you could change?
The pastor told me not to give up
hope. But, I see his pain
and wonder when he will lash out. He has taken anger control classes
and not hit me for 5 years, which is a plus, but he has become really good
at verbally abusing me. He is still asking questions of the past STILL.
(He used
to keep me awake until 3 in the morning asking them, and I would get up
and go to work, and he would sleep in and go to the house and do his
little chores. Maybe a total of an hour...and take a nap and come back
and repeat it.) Of course he doesn't see the questions as abuse
- only
his need to understand why I did it.. what would you suggest.. should I
stay or not?
I would end up losing over $200,000 if I leave, but what
price is there for personal health and ending the abuse. Is my
story really unusual? I could sure use some help. Thanks!
Dear ...
Your story is
different from most in that you are both playing games with
one another. Big games; they include and go beyond abuse. You
seem very well matched. I'm sorry both of you are hurting, but I think
you would rather hurt than give up your exciting roller coaster
ride.
Sorry I can't be
of more help. Dr. Irene
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