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Doc@DrIrene.com

Leaving Mr. Selfish

Leaving Mr. Selfish

March 18, 2000

Married thirty-six years, my soon to be ex-husband has used non-communication as his weapon of choice.  Hours and days of not talking.  No eye contact - and he has declared me "unattractive", so no intimacy.  I think he qualifies as an emotional abuser. So does the psychiatrist I have sought help from.  

It is true there have been too many crisis in our lives in the last five years, one right after another.  Including his retirement three years ago, and the subsequent closing of my business in order to accompany him in his motor home.  He has made traveling so miserable for me, I thought I was having a gall bladder attack recently.  Can you imagine being in a motor home with a person who thinks 24 hours of silence a day is all right? 

He likes to read and watch TV. I am not "allowed" to interrupt him.  He has no close friends.  He thinks superficial acquaintances are fine.  He wants to continue the marriage because it is "convenient". 

I finally blew.  Filed a couple of weeks ago.  He thinks it is just temporary.  Soon, as he figures out it is not, he will become very nasty.  He loves his money and has already told me he thinks he should have the lion's share if we can't work this out.  Tell that to the Judge. I should tell you he canceled our 25th wedding anniversary party because my sister (who was giving the party) invited three couples he didn't approve of.  That was eleven years ago.  So this goes back a long way.  Wow.

I thought I loved him, but now I see I have been clinging to the status quo out of fear. (Being alone, etc.)  We got married when I was 20. Too young.  His Dad offered us a trip to Europe with the family - if we would move the wedding up six months. Big mistake!  How I wish I had not fallen for that!  But back at my home, I was being told by my Dad I would be an old maid and that nobody would want me. So, I had my share of baggage to deal with.  I need all the help I can get right now.  I cannot retreat back into the lifestyle we were in, it has been smothering me.  Thanks for letting me unload.   Carol 

Dear Carol,

Better late than never. You sound ready! And, he seems to  be making it easy for you. Hope you are getting support on one of the boards and/or the email lists. Good luck to you.

My very best wishes, Dr. Irene