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Doc@DrIrene.com

My Story: Just Left; Am OK

My Story:  Your ALT-Text here Just Left & Am OK!

August 22, 2005

Dear Dr. Irene,

I have just left my fiancée of a year and a half, and,  not to mention, we
were together four and a half years prior to the engagement. A very verbally abusive and controlling relationship; it took me this long to finally get up the strength to realize that I cannot change him no matter how hard I try. At the four year mark I asked him where this relationship was going and if I could expect to be engaged within a year, his response to me was, "I don't know if I'll ever want to get married."

I told him to leave me alone and broke up with him. I started to date someone else. He continued to harass me over a 6 month period and pleaded that he had worked on himself and made all the changes necessary for us to be together, and that he could never see his life without me in it, and loved me more than anything in this world. I gave him another chance. After four months of being back together, he proposed. We also decided that since I had always wanted to move to and pursue a career in sales, this was the best time before we had children and became tied down.

So here we were, freshly engaged and ready to make a new start in a new city and live our life long dream. I wanted to move to NY and he also liked NY. He was unhappy with his current job and life so we figured moving would help us rely on one another more and trust each other on a deeper level. Just a piece of advice: moving doesn't make you happy because guess what? You still have to live with yourself, and that's hard to do when you hate yourself! Its like that saying, "wherever you go there you are," that's so true. Like the book:
Wherever You Go, There You Are . So we get to NY and I land my dream job  and things are looking very promising for the both of us. I have finally gotten all that I'd dreamt, of or at least I thought.

Until, he decided he didn't like his job and didn't like anyone he worked with, and who do you think got that bad end of that stick every night once he came home? Yes you guessed it, ME! He changed jobs and after a month decided he didn't like that one either, so his moods and behavior were less than appropriate to say the least. Let me tell you this though: he worked as a financial advisor and made great money, over $100,000 yearly but I still had to split the rent with him and pay my part of the bills. He would tell me that he didn't take me to raise me!!! Even though I only made a third of what he did.

He would continually rant and rave for no reason whatsoever and I just put up with it. Then he found an even better way to control me and that was to demand the engagement ring back at least 4 times over the past year. We would have an argument and he would tell me to give the ring back and that he hated me, and he should hate me because I was the one who cleaned the house, took care of both the dogs and did all the other chores as well. But then he would return the ring to me and tell me to put it back on that he didn't mean any of those horrible things he'd said, and I must say he could certainly abuse someone with that mouth. If words could kill, I would have been dead years ago. So I decided the last time he asked for it back, that would be the last time. I had made up my mind to find a place and not tell him until I had signed the lease so that he couldn't talk me out of it. He was also very abusive when it came to throwing and breaking things, so I figured it was best if left a secret until the last minute.

When I did tell him, 2 days before the movers were to come, he said, "Why are you doing this ?" and 10 minutes later said this was the best decision I could have made. As you can see he was very unstable. But in the time leading up to that, he had given the ring back and I decided that I would use that as leverage: he would get the ring if I got both dogs and nothing of mine was destroyed. He agreed even though one of the dogs was his, I was the one who walked her and fed her and made sure she had her yearly shots. So the night before I left, he went out and bought me a DVD player, a stereo, and an alarm clock. Why did he do this? Maybe because he felt guilty, I don't know but I took those things. I felt if I was going to give him the ring back, the least I could do was take these small things that I actually could use and
needed.

It has been eleven days and I'm ok. However, he got busted the other morning driving by my place while my friend and I were walking one
of the dogs. He was caught pulling out of my alley. He rolled the window down and said, "Hello ladies." Then he looked at me and said, "It's been a week!" Then he laughed. Not sure what that was suppose to do, but I remained silent and then he responded with, " I can see you don't want to talk to me, so I'm gonna go." At first I was furious because I never told him where I lived, but he probably followed the movers when we took my things over there last week, its only 2 miles down the road.

He has been sober for almost 10 years and he is still a dry drunk. Just because he doesn't drink doesn't mean he's sober, and until he's willing to accept this he will never experience true happiness. I had had enough and wasn't going to put myself through anymore. I have lost over 20 lbs. from the stress, but this started before the move was ever discussed. It was my body's way of telling me it was shutting down and couldn't take anymore, it was literally decomposing. I had to accept that no matter how much you think you love someone, if they can't love you back then you're better off without them. It took me a long time before I was ready, but I have made the hardest part happen. I am looking forward to that day down the road when I can have a healthy relationship and can start a family. I had to let go of the "what if's" to have the "what I truly deserve!" I am still going through the motions, but the stress and fear of coming him to him every night has dissipated and I am learning how to just be ME!    Love, Janice Yippeee!!!