Sent: Friday, May 07, 1999 5:54 PM
I discovered your web site recently and it already helped me a lot. I am 38 and my
boyfriend is a verbal and sexual abuser.
Dear Paulette, I am going to SHOUT TO
MAKE IT EASIER TO READ MY REPLY
I am in San Diego and he moved out and is now living
in Phoenix GOOD! but the abuse does go on over the
phone. ONLY IF YOU TALK TO HIM OVER THE PHONE. I got pregnant
a first time last September and had a miscarriage. He was very indecisive and mean at that
time. I got pregnant again last February and decided to have an abortion last week. I AM SORRY... USE BARRIER BIRTH CONTROL WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT; BETTER
YET, SKIP THE SEX! IF HE'S AN "ABUSER," WHERE HAS HE BEEN?
About 2 weeks ago , I realized that he is the abuser and that I am co-dependant (Ouch this
hurts still!!) YES, IT HURTS, BUT THE NEAT PART IS THAT - NOW THAT
YOU KNOW ABOUT IT - YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I realized also that I
grew up in a verbal and I think sexually abusive family (Ouch, ouch again!!) YES, THESE ARE BIG OUCHES.
I convinced my boyfriend to go to a therapist and he has his
first session today. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO FIX HIM? I know
that I have to regain my self esteem but I need support for this. YES.
I went to a battered woman center and to a group session but it is not helping me. It
seems that women are blind. Most women there had 2, 3 or 4 abusive relationships and the
single ones just want to find another abuser. They
don't realized that it will happen again. SOUNDS LIKE A
"BAD" GROUP. THEY'RE NOT ALL THAT WAY.
I want to understand what happened to me and why it happens
so i can deal with it and find a companion not an abuser. NOW YOU'RE
TALKING! I have a hard time to deal with my boyfriend now. I asked him not to call
me. (he left many messages on my phone) but now I just let him e-mail me if he wants to. I
answer if I want to. OK.
The abortion was very traumatic for me and I still have very
mixed feelings about it. AN ABORTION IS VERY TRAUMATIC. It
was a way to refuse any further relationship with him to realize that it can not work with
him and to liberate myself from him but I feel that I mutilate myself (Am I a masochist?).
PROBABLY NOT, WHATEVER A MASOCHIST IS. I ended up with
an infection at the hospital for 3 days. I was unable to raise the child by myself (loss
of self esteem, right?) THAT, AND REALITY. and worst I killed
my own child because I was unable to be a good mother and provide a stable, loving
environment. ITS TRUE, YOU WEREN'T. It was a big failure and
a wake up call that I did now want the life that my
boyfriend could offer me and that I needed to change myself. THEN
ALL IS NOT LOST; THIS CHILD MAY HAVE GIVEN YOU THE GIFT OF YOUR OWN LIFE. PERHAPS YOU CAN
DEDICATE YOUR RECOVERY TO THIS CHILD; DO IT FOR HIM/HER.
So I feel stuck now and I know I need therapy too. YES, YOU DO.
(I already read the book from Patricia Evans :-) ) GOOD!
You have finally woken up. If it
helps, know that you are not alone in opening your eyes when a tragic event occurs. I
think this is also the time for you to get in touch with the sexual abuse piece. There are
many excellent books on the topic. Get one (even if you weren't abused, but the atmosphere
was tinged with sexuality). Also, look at Beattie's Codependent No More and
Burney's Codependence: Dance of the Wounded Souls. There is much pain and real
grief you need to process in the days ahead. Just remember that despite your hurt, you are
in a good place. You are in a place where you can change you your life, and from the way
you come across, I am certain that you will. Be patient, persevere, and may God bless you.