Dear Dr. Irene,
I sent you an e-mail at the end of 1999, titled "Help, Where Is My Anger". Here is
another update - some good progress, some setbacks...:-)
Reading my first e-mail to you and first
update, I am amazed at how much
progress I have made. I am still in therapy, and am so much better today
at recognizing and handling my emotions. I had entered therapy because of
my unhappy love life. Well, I do not have a happy (or any..) love life at
the moment, but, funnily, my work relationships and my relationship with
my Mom are amazingly better....go figure.... :)
Learning to set boundaries (with my Boss) and learning to ask for love and
support when I am hurt - and trust enough to receive it when given (from
my Mom) really improved things considerably. Especially with my Mom. I
felt almost no love from her growing up. Today, she is so full of love for
me, that it amazes me every time. I am also very thankful, for having
received this opportunity to correct things with my Mom. :)
On the love-life front, things are (not yet) that great. I have been alone
for 9 months, and handling it pretty well. Actually, I am quite enjoying
many aspects of being my own boss (after 18 months of madness in an
abusive relationship - WHO WOULDN'T! )
However, I am rather discouraged with my latest experience - which shows
me that I really do have a long road ahead of me. I met, (through mutual
friends) a guy, who at first did not attract me at all, physically. He was
a head shorter than me, and quite overweight. He was also very successful,
bright, quick-thinking, decisive and always very, very busy. At
first, we became friends. I always felt that he was attracted to me. With
time, I began to find myself being attracted to him . I thought it was
We started casually dating. The problem was that while every time we met
was really very, very enjoyable, and we would stay up till early morning,
just talking, he would not all me for a week afterwards...
I got very frustrated with that. Well, instead of heading my feelings of
"his behaviour is making me angry, his not finding the time for me is
annoying" and backing off, I decided to pursue him, thinking him
"shy" and "reserved".
Well, after almost two months of waiting by the phone or calling him
myself, he had disappeared altogether - and I had just found out that he
is seeing someone else....
So, here I am again, being attracted to someone who is emotionally
unavailable, and being totally frustrated and snappish the entire time...
Needless to add, I have recently met a guy who seemed quite nice and
interested in me (well, maybe too interested - he called me 5 times a
day..), and I wouldn't give him the time of day. I was so hung-up waiting
for my non-calling date....
I am quite exasperated with this latest experience! You would think that,
with all the (real) progress I have made over the past months, I would
avoid such an obvious "no win" situation... No, I wouldn't think that. The love arena is the most
emotionally challenging. Besides, you are still learning lessons. It takes
a while to get a sense of a person; he could have been shy. You would not
have known had you not taken the risk to find out. Next time, you'll spot
this kind of guy more quickly. Actually, I think you are moving at a
rather good pace!
I hope that, in future, I will be able to be attracted to nice, attentive
men who have time for me, and learn to curb my fascination with the
"unattainable" ones (a fascination which I do not believe would
ever completely disappear...) . But I guess "more therapy is in
order"....:-) The attraction and "unattainability"
will become more balanced. Why is it so difficult to be attracted
to "nice guys" ? Because few are
interested in those so needy and insecure, they give the store away... Why
are the unavailable guys so attractive to me? It's
what you're used to. Unattainable parents, that sort of thing. Don't worry
so much about that. Worry more about backing off yourself when you don't
like what is offered. You become more attractive to men as your
self-esteem no longer allows you to give yourself away. A healthy love
relationship requires each partner to have the ability to freely
give as well as to pull away.
I hope you and your readers - If you decide to post this - would keep your
fingers crossed for me....:-) You bet!