| March
25, 2000
Well Doc here is my update: My significant other decided last October that she would agree
to therapy for the abuse issue - only after the I called the police on
her for attacking me. I think she got scared by that. So here's the
deal.
She has been going, but I think she is deceiving and manipulating her
therapist. Now there's a surprise! :) I will admit that her fits of vicious
violent rage have calmed down, but that is the only noticeable change. As I
stated in my language analysis, that is but a small part of the issue in an
abusive relationship.
Communication with her is still
pretty much impossible 99% of the time. She does not possess the
ability to listen to a different or opposing view. She views even the slightest problem in life as a colossal, earth
shattering event. Heaven forbid I don't agree with her.
I think the main
trouble is that her therapist has been hoodwinked into thinking
she has really come around. Her therapist told her she can reduce
her sessions from weekly to monthly, and that she has gotten over the big
issues. We need marriage counseling to iron out the rest. I'm not
disrespecting her professional opinion, but I live with this person, and I
strongly disagree. How can she be even close to conquering her problems
when her day to day actions haven't changed the slightest bit? When I
say she won't listen, I mean that literally. On the other hand, I am
expected to listen to her intently
for indefinite periods of time. I think you should
schedule an appointment with her therapist. Have your wife attend.
Voice your concerns with both of them present.
When I speak, she
continuously interrupts and eventually works herself into a state of anger.
She lets me have it. I may get out a sentence or two, if I'm lucky. So,
needless to say, I don't even waste my time trying anymore. Good.
I have pretty
much just closed her out of my life, and that is a problem also. I have no
love for this woman. She complains of no romance, flowers, nights out
to dinner, etc. Now this is a valid expectation for any woman, but she
acts like such a pig-headed idiot, I can't stand to be around her.
Every
thing, including the fact that she is going to therapy, is a weapon
for verbal attack. Yet, when I used to try to tell her the attack is the
reason for the lack of romance - that being mistreated puts a
damper on romance - I get the expected answer. "That's just an
excuse." To this I answer "Whatever." I know
better than to debate with her.
Her
therapist saw how she acts; she stated
that it must have been hell for me all of these years; yet three
months later, she practically pronounces my wife cured. That really frosts
my cookies!
Dealing with her on a daily basis is hell. I called the
therapist and voiced my opinion, for what is worth. In her
normal bouts of anger, she has told me repeatedly how she is glad she went
to the therapist. She found out that I was the problem, not her! I
talked to her therapist about this issue and she was extremely shocked to
hear this. I tried to explain that the person she is dealing with
is extremely manipulative.
The problem is that my wife manipulates
herself into believing things. Yes. She takes an
incident in which she has made abusive statements to me, and, when she gets
finished, expects an apology from me! Amazing, isn't
it? Of course I just walk away. I
have learned that not dealing with an abuser is really the only way of
dealing with them. Right. Since she views any discussion as a battle, rational
resolution to a problem is never possible.
The truth is Doc, I really
don't think she believes I plan to leave her when my daughter is old
enough (18 to be exact). I am protecting my daughter from
a monster. I'm sure other readers can identify with this. I have read all
I can on this issue and think I have been very successful.
In fact my
daughter, at eleven years old, is pretty much hip to all of her mothers
tactics. I have taught her how to recognize the right and wrong way to
communicate. Believe it or not, she is considerably more mature than
her 39 year old mother! In fact, she actually laughs at the senselessness immaturity of some of her
mother's actions, such as the verbal abuse
disguised as a joke. Things like if you tell her you don't like
something she is doing or that it annoys you, she will do it over and over
and over in attempt drive you nuts.
My daughter recognizes this and
just walks away rather than asking her politely to stop, which only
ensures
that she will do it more - and laugh when she sees that it is really
annoying.
I wish there
was another way to do this without actually developing this kind of
relationship with my daughter. There is. I made a promise to myself that no
matter what, I will always tell my daughter when something is wrong. I
will not see her frustrated by her mother and make excuses for intolerable
actions. I take her aside and explain to her what was wrong with what just
happened. Generally, she already knows. She just wants someone to validate
her feelings, which I do.
I also fear that it is bad for my health
to live with a person that I so strongly dislike. It
is. I try not to think about
it, but am quite aware of the impact of one's mental environment on the
physical being . Well, I'm tired and stresses from dealing with this
person, so I'm off to bed.
Peace
as always, Judge G.....
Oh, Judge! Why are
you putting up with this? Do you think you are acting in your daughter's
best interests? Have you asked your kid if she would rather you two stay
together? Many children with an abusive parent want to get away from that
parent.
With your history
of having called the police on your wife, and your daughter's strong bond
to you, you may have a good shot at full custody...
March 25, 2000
Maybe you can explain this to me Doc. As with most abusers, my mate
feels as though she can vent her anger at will - but it is completely
unacceptable for me to be angry no matter what she does! Typical. I'm supposed to
be understanding and accepting while she can act out because it was
"justified." Her world is very
ego-centric. As you already know, she sees the world only through her
point of view. She makes the irrational assumption that you somehow know
exactly what is on her mind. Since she thinks everybody thinks the same
way she does, she assumes you understand why she is angry. If you
don't understand, she feels misunderstood and is willing to spend hours
explaining why she did what she did. When you make allowances for her
oversights (the never-ending "I didn't knows"), her logic will
make sense. Unfortunately, the oversights are frequent and major.
The same courtesy
is not extended to others. This is generally not done out of malice. It
doesn't matter what you think because she is simply unable or unwilling to
view life from another person's perspective. Her own perspective gets in
the way and she cannot let it go long enough to understand your
point of view.
I recognize and clearly understand the
background on this issue. But if I ever try to bring to her attention
something that she she did that I didn't like, she gets intent upon
explaining how it was not done on purpose. No matter what it was. It wasn't done on purpose, though I know it
seems that way. This script operates just beneath her awareness. It
follows the same illogic as above. She knows she didn't do it on
purpose, so you should know that too. This woman is so self-absorbed, she
just does not pay attention to things outside the self. So, lots
of misbehaviors are unintentional. She seems to
feel as though any action that is detrimental of another person is OK
if it was unintentional. Also typical. Of course, if
you do something unintentional, the rules do not hold because
she'll justify her way out of that one. Nevertheless, you need to
tell her that pain is pain whether it was inflicted on purpose or
otherwise. But, since you'll probably be wasting your breath, you might
consider telling her in a therapy session, where the therapist
won't let her take over.
Example: we were recently out of town and she
left with her girlfriend (a family friend) to get food. They ate in a
restaurant and were gone for hours. She left my daughter, the friend's
daughter, and
myself locked out of the room and wet from the hotel pool with no money.
Since the room was in the friends name, I couldn't get a key from the
front desk to get my wallet.
Worse yet, the girls who do competition cheer
leading, had a meet for the next day's event. We attended the
meeting, all of us wet, hungry, and frizzy haired. When they
returned, I was angry. I tried to tone it down so she wouldn't
go nuclear. She was enraged that I was angry! Her whole point was that
she didn't deliberately try to trouble us, so I was wrong for even
being the slightest bit angry. Her first answer was, "Oh well, at
least I had fun." When I commented that this was an inexcusable attitude,
her answer was, "Of course. You "made" me say that". At that point I
realized the futility of this discussion and simply went for a drive. Yeah...
She was staunchly of the opinion
that she was innocent because she did not deliberately leave us there in
that position. This of course makes no sense since she knew of the
upcoming meet. She came back with a bag of cold McDonalds crap, which was supposed to be our dinner. At 10:30 at night. I
guess maybe this is a way of not taking responsibility for her actions. She got carried away with what she was doing - and didn't
think of you guys. It was...unintentional. And, it was! You are
right with the shirking of responsibility part. Repeated not thinking
of other translates to not taking personal responsibility. After all, she
is the one who is doing the not thinking!
Anyway, my daughter was in another room playing, and my wife launched
into one of her mean and hurtful attacks. Here is how I act
occasionally Doc: I said things to her that I really meant and was
finally angry enough to say. She says I am getting just like her. She
seems to interpret what I say from her perspective, that I'm saying
these things in the heat of battle to hurt her.
The fact is I never say things I don't mean. I told her
I intended to leave
her as soon as our daughter turns 18. Of course. her answer was,
"Good. I wish you would leave now." You
should consider leaving... I replied
that there is no way I'm leaving my daughter with her. and take your child...
She repeated the usual statements indicating her general disdain for me as a
human being, to which I replied in earnest, "Good. Then can we drop this
whole romance thing and face the reality of
this relationship". You should drop the romance
thing since you don't feel it, and you do need to face the reality of this
marriage. Perhaps in counseling. Perhaps your own individual counseling to
help you figure out why you feel too powerless to leave and take
your daughter. She has said this type of thing many
times. If I bring it up later, she says something to the effect of,
"You're crazy," insinuating that I am mentally ill for
believing her when she says things in anger. Yes.
Because she knows she doesn't really mean what she says in anger
except during the moments she is angry, you are somehow supposed to know
that too.
The problem is that I mean what I
say. That's not a problem. She lives in this strange and twisted world where words mean
nothing and are used as tools to attack or defend. Yes.
Words are used to express and vent whatever emotional state she is
in. She's been in a non speaking mode for several days since I have treated her
so horribly. Actually, I hope this goes on for another 6 and 1/2 years, but
I'm sure it won't. Have you read what to do when words
won't work?
Another issue concerns the rare event of a discussion. She
constantly starts sentences with these words.. "YOU MAKE"
Example:
"You make me feel..."
"You make it seem as if...."
"You make me think......"
I used to say, "I'm not
taking responsibility for your thoughts and feelings." That's when I
actually used to engage her in these ludicrous discussions. She
seems to live her life conjuring up what other people think in her mind
and acting as if it were true. In fact she is quite happy to tell me what I
think. I simply say, "Think what you want, I could care less." I
really don't care. Good. That's all you can do.
I am flabbergasted by some of the stories I read on your site, where
people are treated so horribly and still love their abuser. In fact,
I'm pretty sure I despise her. I think I am really clinging to that far
off date when I make my escape for some semblance of peace. As
always, feel free to post this if you see fit. Not only do I see fit, I would
like to make it interactive. Feel free to participate.
Oh well, Peace, as always,
Judge G.... Oh well, best wishes, as always,
Dr. Irene
I just want to read
the posts. |
