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Doc@DrIrene.com

The Judge Updates Us

Judge G Updates Us

The Judge has written several times. Bad people for example. He is also author of the insightful article, Analysis of Language, the parable Little Story, and is writing a book on verbal abuse. The Judge understands first hand.... 

By the way, to clear things up, The Judge is not really a judge. I "made" him a judge in my routine practice of making readers anonymous. Dr. Irene

 

March 25, 2000

Well Doc here is my update: My significant other decided last October that she would agree to therapy for the abuse issue - only after the I called the police on her for attacking me. I think she got scared by that. So here's the deal. 

She has been going, but I think she is deceiving and manipulating her therapist. Now there's a surprise! :) I will admit that her fits of vicious violent rage have calmed down, but that is the only noticeable change. As I stated in my language analysis, that is but a small part of the issue in an abusive relationship.

Communication with her is still pretty much impossible 99% of the time. She does not possess the ability to listen to a different or opposing view. She views even the slightest problem in life as a colossal, earth shattering event. Heaven forbid I don't agree with her. 

I think the main trouble is that  her therapist has been hoodwinked into thinking she has really come around. Her therapist told her she can reduce her sessions from weekly to monthly, and that she has gotten over the big issues. We need marriage counseling to iron out the rest. I'm not  disrespecting her professional opinion, but I live with this person, and I strongly disagree. How can she be even close to conquering her problems when her day to day actions haven't changed the slightest bit? When I say she won't listen, I mean that literally. On the other hand, I am expected to listen to her intently for indefinite periods of time. I think you should schedule an appointment with her therapist. Have your wife attend. Voice your concerns with both of them present.

When I speak, she continuously interrupts and eventually works herself into a state of anger. She lets me have it. I may get out a sentence or two, if I'm lucky. So, needless to say, I don't even waste my time trying anymore. Good.

I have pretty much just closed her out of my life, and that is a problem also. I have no love for this woman. She complains of no romance, flowers, nights out to dinner, etc. Now this is a valid expectation for any woman, but she acts like such a pig-headed idiot, I can't stand to be around her. 

Every thing, including the fact that she is going to therapy, is a weapon for verbal attack. Yet, when I used to try to tell her the attack is the reason for the lack of romance - that being mistreated puts a damper on romance - I get the expected answer. "That's just an excuse."  To this I answer "Whatever."  I know better than to debate with her. 

Her therapist saw how she acts; she stated that it must have been hell for me all of these years;  yet  three months later, she  practically pronounces my wife cured. That really frosts my cookies! 

Dealing with her on a daily basis is hell. I called  the therapist and voiced my opinion, for what is worth. In her normal bouts of anger, she has told me repeatedly how she is glad she went to the therapist. She found out that I was the problem, not her! I talked to her therapist about this issue and she was extremely shocked to hear this. I tried to explain that the person she is dealing with is extremely manipulative. 

The problem is that my wife manipulates herself into believing things. Yes. She takes an incident in which she has made abusive statements to me, and, when she gets finished, expects an apology from me! Amazing, isn't it? Of course I just walk away. I have learned that not dealing with an abuser is really the only way of dealing with them. Right. Since she views any discussion as a battle, rational resolution to a problem is never possible. 

The truth is Doc, I really don't think she believes I plan to leave her when my daughter is old enough (18 to be exact). I am protecting my daughter from a monster. I'm sure other readers can identify with this. I have read all I can on this issue and  think I have been very successful. 

In fact my daughter, at eleven years old, is pretty much hip to all of her mothers tactics. I have taught her how to recognize the right and wrong way to communicate. Believe it or not, she is considerably more mature than her 39 year old mother! In fact, she actually laughs at the senselessness immaturity of some of her mother's actions, such as the verbal abuse disguised as a joke. Things like if you tell her you don't like something she is doing or that it annoys you, she will do it over and over and over in attempt drive you nuts. 

My daughter recognizes this and just walks away rather than asking her politely to stop, which only ensures that she will do it more - and laugh when she sees that it is really annoying. 

I wish there was another way to do this without actually developing this kind of relationship with my daughter. There is. I made a promise to myself that no matter what, I will always tell my daughter when something is wrong. I will not see her frustrated by her mother and make excuses for intolerable actions. I take her aside and explain to her what was wrong with what just happened. Generally, she already knows. She just wants someone to validate her feelings, which I do. 

I also fear that it is bad for my health to live with a person that I so strongly dislike. It is. I try not to think about it, but am quite aware of the impact of one's mental environment on the physical being . Well, I'm tired and stresses from dealing with this person, so I'm off to bed. 
            Peace as always, Judge G.....

Oh, Judge! Why are you putting up with this? Do you think you are acting in your daughter's best interests? Have you asked your kid if she would rather you two stay together? Many children with an abusive parent want to get away from that parent.

With your history of having called the police on your wife, and your daughter's strong bond to you, you may have a good shot at full custody...

March 25, 2000

Maybe you can explain this to me Doc.  As with most abusers, my mate feels as though she can vent her anger at will - but it is completely unacceptable for me to be angry no matter what she does! Typical. I'm supposed to be understanding and accepting while she can act out because it was "justified."  Her world is very ego-centric. As you already know, she sees the world only through her point of view. She makes the irrational assumption that you somehow know exactly what is on her mind. Since she thinks everybody thinks the same way she does, she assumes you understand why she is angry. If you don't understand, she feels misunderstood and is willing to spend hours explaining why she did what she did. When you make allowances for her oversights (the never-ending "I didn't knows"), her logic will make sense. Unfortunately, the oversights are frequent and major.

The same courtesy is not extended to others. This is generally not done out of malice. It doesn't matter what you think because she is simply unable or unwilling to view life from another person's perspective. Her own perspective gets in the way and she cannot let it go long enough to understand your  point of view.

 I recognize and clearly understand the background on this issue. But if I ever try to bring to her attention something that she she did that I didn't like, she gets intent upon explaining how it was not done on purpose. No matter what it was. It wasn't  done on purpose, though I know it seems that way. This  script operates just beneath her awareness. It follows the same illogic as above. She knows she didn't do it on purpose, so you should know that too. This woman is so self-absorbed, she just does not pay attention to things outside the self. So, lots of misbehaviors are unintentional. She seems to feel as though any action that is detrimental of another person is OK if it was unintentional. Also typical. Of course, if you do something unintentional, the rules do not hold because she'll justify her way out of that one. Nevertheless, you need to tell her that pain is pain whether it was inflicted on purpose or otherwise. But, since you'll probably be wasting your breath, you might consider telling her in a therapy session, where the therapist won't let her take over. 

 Example: we were recently out of town and she left with her girlfriend (a family friend) to get food. They ate in a restaurant and were gone for hours. She left my daughter, the friend's daughter, and myself locked out of the room and wet from the hotel pool with no money. Since the room was in the friends name, I couldn't get a key from the front desk to get my wallet. 

Worse yet, the girls who do competition cheer leading, had a meet for the next day's event. We attended the meeting, all of us wet, hungry, and frizzy haired. When they returned, I was angry. I tried to tone it down so she wouldn't go nuclear. She was enraged that I was angry! Her whole point was that she didn't deliberately try to trouble us,  so I was wrong for even being the slightest bit angry. Her first answer was, "Oh well, at least I had fun." When I commented that this was an inexcusable attitude, her answer was, "Of course. You "made" me say that". At that point I realized the futility of this discussion and simply went for a drive. Yeah...

She was staunchly of the opinion that she was innocent because she did not deliberately leave us there in that position. This of course makes no sense since she knew of the upcoming meet. She came back with a bag of cold McDonalds crap, which was supposed to be our dinner. At 10:30 at night. I guess maybe this is a way of not taking responsibility for her actions. She got carried away with what she was doing - and didn't think of you guys. It was...unintentional. And, it was! You are right with the shirking of responsibility part. Repeated not thinking of other translates to not taking personal responsibility. After all, she is the one who is doing the not thinking!

Anyway, my daughter was in another room playing, and my wife launched into one of her mean and hurtful  attacks. Here is how I act occasionally Doc: I said things to her that I really meant and was finally angry enough to say. She says I am getting just like her. She seems to interpret what I say from her perspective, that I'm saying these things in the heat of battle to hurt her. 

The fact is I never say things I don't mean. I told her I intended to leave her as soon as our daughter turns 18. Of course. her answer was, "Good. I wish you would leave now." You should consider leaving... I replied that there is no way I'm leaving my daughter with her. and take your child... 

She repeated the usual statements indicating her general disdain for me as a human being, to which I replied in earnest, "Good. Then can we drop this whole romance thing and face the reality of this relationship". You should drop the romance thing since you don't feel it, and you do need to face the reality of this marriage. Perhaps in counseling. Perhaps your own individual counseling to help you figure out why you feel too powerless to leave and take your daughter. She has said this type of thing many times. If I bring it up later, she says something to the  effect of, "You're crazy,"  insinuating that I am mentally ill for believing her when she says things in anger. Yes. Because she knows she doesn't really mean what she says in anger except during the moments she is angry, you are somehow supposed to know that too.

The problem is that I mean what I say. That's not a problem. She lives in this strange and twisted world where words mean nothing and are used as tools to attack or defend. Yes. Words are used to express and vent whatever emotional state she is in.  She's been in a non speaking mode for several days since I have treated her so horribly. Actually, I hope this goes on for another 6 and 1/2 years, but I'm sure it won't. Have you read what to do when words won't work?

Another issue concerns the rare event of a discussion. She
constantly starts sentences with these words.. "YOU MAKE"   Example:
    "You make me feel..."
    "You make it seem as if...."
    "You make me think......"

I used to say, "I'm not taking responsibility for your thoughts and feelings." That's when I actually used to engage her in these ludicrous discussions. She seems to live her life conjuring up what other people think in her mind and acting as if it were true. In fact she is quite happy to tell me what I think. I simply say, "Think what you want, I could care less." I really don't care. Good. That's all you can do.

I am flabbergasted by some of the stories I read on your site, where people are treated so horribly and still love their abuser. In fact, I'm pretty sure I despise her. I think I am really clinging to that far off date when I make my escape for some semblance of peace.  As always, feel free to post this if you see fit. Not only do I see fit, I would like to make it interactive. Feel free to participate.
        Oh well, Peace, as always, Judge G....  Oh well, best wishes, as always, Dr. Irene

I just want to read the posts.