How to get Dr. Irene's Advice: Look here!

Ask The Doc Board

The CatBox Archives

 

(Archives)

4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

A Jaded Woman

A Jaded Woman

My boyfriend has been verbally abusing me for the  past 10 months now.  It started because he wanted sex, and I didn't.  I still don't and the verbal abuse has escalated from bad to worse.  He's dumped me 7 times over sex, and one time he even left me for another girl, but came back to me without having done anything with her. Why did you take him back? This morning, he started cussing me out, and calling me all these names, and saying things like "what's wrong with you?" and "you owe this to me," and " I deserve this." It hasn't been just sex, it's been nearly all the symptoms you described on your list. So he's an angry guy...and you are a codependent victim gal.

I've been very depressed to the point where I write suicide notes just to make myself feel better about how bad he would feel if I killed myself. Oh boy... It's not just the sex issue, it's him bantering on my self-esteem (you mean, how you let him banter your self-esteem), and how he feels less attractive to me, because I want to lose weight to feel better about my appearance.  If  I don't wear something he likes, he will give me the "silent treatment," and literally push me away when I try to hug him, or tell him  I love him.  Yuk, yuk, yuk!

I just don't see how he's capable of physically abusing or raping me, but what I see on this site......it looks like it could happen.  Yes. I'm scared that if I get out of this relationship that I will have thrown away something beautiful.  The only thing beautiful about this relationship is your ability to love and give of yourself. To me, he's beautiful and lovely, and I love him with all of my heart. Yes. I think you deserve the same kind of consideration in return.

He says stuff like, "if you love me, you'll do this for me." He does not love you. It just hurts me to the point where I have physical pain, and I sleep, and take pills to get away from him. He does not love you because he does not care. His needs are more important than you are. What's worse, you don't care. You agree with him that his needs are more important than you are. You don't love yourself! We took an interlude, for 2 two weeks, and then we got back together, and he told me that he had actually changed, and would treat me so much better.  and he did, he actually did, but this morning it exploded again, and worse than ever.  Predictable. See the abuse cycle.

One time he did elbow me, but it was an accident. Just like the sun comes up - accidentally - every morning. He was turned away from me, and when I tried to bend over to kiss him, he turned over sharply, and BAM!  I know it was an accident, he would never physically hurt me.  If you knew it was an accident, you would not have mentioned it now. You are hoping it was an accident, but suspect that maybe it was not. What frightens you is knowing you may need to get out. Especially after reading this site - you really know you may need to get out! But you don't want to get out, and you are looking to invent non-existent fixes. Writing me wasn't a good way to do that. What do I do? Get into counseling immediately and stay there until you realize that you are too worthy to throw your life away. Especially at your age; you sound so young. You are not married to him; you have no children together. Your whole life is ahead of you! Ask yourself where you want to be in 5, 10, 40 years from now. 

Am I at the point where I need to get out before anything else happens? Yes. Is this it for us? For you.  Can I help him in any way? No. Not in any way in the world. Get out. Help yourself. Please respond.  the Jaded One   

Dear Jaded One,

You are probably sorry you wrote me. But, too late; you asked. 

Do yourself a favor. Get some professional help now. Don't throw the precious gift of life you were given away. You are precious and are a gift to yourself. If you do nothing else in your life, recognize that. When you begin to see this, you will not put up with that.

My very best wishes,   -Dr. Irene