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9 J's 2001 Update

J's 2001 Update

"Examine the contents, not the bottle." -The Talmud

J's been here before. His story starts here for those of you who want some background. Well, for what it matters, this guy got the girl - unfortunately.
April 30, 2001

After having read the chapters on Narcissism I can say that I am married to a classic narcissist. I do not think she is anything but an image, and a very beautiful one at that. My wife treats me like an instrument, not a human being at all. We have only been married for 10 months and I have been going through two months of hell with her. She does not touch me, nor does she have any interest in any emotional or physical contact with me, including kissing. She simply tells me that she is not motivated by the relationship. Yolanda treats me very poorly but she denies it whenever the subject is brought up. She doesn't think it is abuse to say, "You just have to bear with me or you know where the door is." Yolanda has always had difficulty being emotional and looks down at the sensitive, sentimental people of the world. I have always told her that she cannot elicit sympathy or empathy for anyone.

Initially, Yolanda was a dream come true, just like it said in the Narcissism chapters. She was wonderful to me, trying to do everything for me and being very, very sweet and naive. She talked about her family, her previous relationship and her goals. She never mentioned friends - because she has none.

My wife is a beautiful woman and I am an average looking man. Her first husband is probably not even as good looking as I am. Yolanda definitely feels superior to both of us because of her physical qualities. She has no interest in having a real marriage where things are shared. She has a definite interest in acquiring material goodies for herself, but not for the both of us. She did her taxes by herself and spent all of the money on herself and her bills. She used some of it to get plastic surgery to remove fat from her thighs. This was money that was supposed to go into a savings account for the both of us so that we could buy a house together. I decided to split up the money at that point. Now she is buying a house by herself with her second mortgage.

Sex to Yolanda is a chore. She rarely initiates it, even when things are going well. She is very good in bed but she lacks emotion and will only do what she wants to do at that time. One of her favorite sexual activities is to bite me. When she does this she sounds like she is gaining power, making these strange noises that bother me much more after having read these pages. At this point, Yolanda has totally withdrawn from the relationship and has lost all interest in me. She tells me that I could still have sex with her but this is only out of obligation to the marriage. I think that even she would agree that 10 months is too short a time to lose interest in your "husband".

Yolanda cannot have friends. She never returns phone calls. She has contempt for others and she does not see the need to treat people with anything resembling kindness. It's incredible that she also claims to be a religious woman.

We were together on two occasions before we got married and she broke up with me both times on her own terms. When I suggested that we break up, she would cry and tell me not to do it. Then she broke up with me after I slipped on a staircase and hurt my back. I had been moving her car.

My life with my "wife" has created so much tension and anxiety that it doesn't seem worth it to wait for her to recover. I am only staying because of my religious beliefs. I have asked her to make the decision and I will abide by it. Until then I will stay there and listen for God's Word. Maybe God doesn't want me to suffer anymore and He will rescue me. Do you think that anxiety attacks whenever I am around her is a sign? I am starting to look for anything. J, I think God expects us to help ourselves. He gave us free will... Staying despite your panic attacks is your choice. Nothing noble here. But what a difference in you! What a difference in how you are handling this. You have grown J; you now have enough confidence in yourSelf that, despite your pain, you will no longer orchestrate your own destruction. That is, you know, what you did before...

I will not be the one to cure Yolanda of her narcissism. I will not break my wedding vows even though I now realize that may be the one thing I could do to send her into a life crisis. I've already told her I would leave when asked, but not before she got the divorce papers together. If this is to end, it has to completely end. I do not want this woman in my life at all. I don't want her coming back, as she did twice in the past. I kept thinking that she was back because she wanted to rectify what had gone wrong in the past. But I now realize she is just using me because she needs somebody to push around and I am her "victim". She needs some body to take care of her J. While she is not being mean in the classic sense of mean, she is withholding love from me, withholding sex, saying little things that are not nice, and not behaving like a wife regardless of who is gauging it. Covert abuse. I don't even think that she will ever have a successful relationship, unless she could find another narcissist to bond with. She will only destroy others in her path. I feel fortunate that I am pretty mentally tough and I also have God on my side. Well, He's on her side too if she wants Him.....I doubt she's even asking Him to help. 

Ouchhh! What is it about those unavailable people - we just have to have! You  can read the posts and/or look at this October, 2001 letter about one guy who identified with J's dilemma. Doc. Jay's next letter follows here.

I want to read the posts.