Sent: Wednesday, May 19, 1999
Subject: I'm Confused and hurt
Dr. Irene's Support -
Two days ago me and my girlfriend were walking home. We got into an argument. While we
were arguing I got in her face and started yelling at her. When I realized what I was
doing. I calmed down. A few minutes later the police show up and get both sides of our
story and lets me off with
a warning. I have never ever hit my girlfriend. She has slapped me in the face and she has
also grabbed me by my ears and I forgave her. So that day I asked if I had hit her would
she have pressed charges. I was very shocked to hear what the answer was. She said yes she
would have pressed charges against me. That hurt me big time and it also makes me feel
insecure. She hits me in the past and I forgave her because I was just trying to show that
no matter what I happens in our relationship I will always love her. Well I guess she does
not love me as much as I love her. I am so hurt. I have never laid a hand on
her. I have
asked for other people advice on this subject. Male and female. They told me the same
thing. If that happen to them they would break up with there loved one well that is how I
feel and I just can not do it. Please help all I want to do is make the right decision I
am also afraid to tell her how I feel because she asked me to drop the subject. Well
I don't see how you can drop the
subject since you are dwelling on it enough to write to me! Besides, some things are
important enough to talk about; this is one of them.
First, it is not OK to hit your
partner period. It is good that she warned you that she will not tolerate any hitting (you
are probably much stronger than her too!). But you should not tolerate her hitting you
either. You don't show how much you love somebody by letting hitting go! All you show them
is that you don't have much respect for yourself. Conversely, it is unlikely your
girlfriend is telling you she doesn't love you when she promised to call the cops. She is
simply saying that she respects herself too much not to. This is a good attitude. Don't
misinterpret it and put words in her mouth. She has made no statement about loving you or
Think about it Richard, if it was
your sister, your mom, your daughter, your anybody...would you want her to let herself get
hit for any reason - or would you be ready to go chase the creep down yourself?
Hitting in any way, shape, or
form is not to be tolerated. It is too easy to go from a playful little punch to a
Also, you need to deal with your
insecurities. They are your problem, not hers and have nothing whatsoever to do with her.
Recognize that it is the most normal thing in the world to feel insecure when you care.
So, spend a little time feeling insecure. It is OK. Then let it go and get on with your
Ask her to talk about the topic
for your sake, because you need to talk about it, even though you recognize that she does
not want to. If she doesn't agree to talk, so be it, she is giving you no choice - so
you need to let it go.
If she agrees, ask her if pressing
charges means that she does not love you. Chances are she will say, "No." It is
OK to tell her that you took it that way and felt hurt, but that you realize that she
is behaving very appropriately. Then the two of you need to have a little chat about no
hitting. Ever. For no reason.
This is important for you
especially Richard. That you went into "pity pot" so easily suggests there is a
bit of an anger problem on your end. If you have difficulty understanding why she should
not call the cops, before you talk to her about anything, think real, real hard. You may
need a little help with this one.
Ps: Good for you for recognizing
your yelling and stopping it! That's power, Kiddo!