I have
been married more than once (the same man/different body). I wasn't
able to see what I was doing - I believe my counselor called it
"repetition syndrome". Unfinished business. My God I
was a slow learner:(
Abuse is abuse.
What was the same about these men? They had "issues" with
their mothers. They were passive aggressive (couldn't handle/deal
with emotions in general). They reacted angrily if I was
sick/injured. They had sexual issues. They had little regard
for my emotions or feelings. They were controlling and selfish.
Then there is me.
I always wanted to fix them - love them into happiness. Do more than
I should, and do and do and do more! I lost myself in the
relationships. I would do anything to win their
love/approval/acceptance.
Why did it take
soooooooo long to see the light and to love and protect myself? A
lifetime it seems. Why did I spend so many years repeating? A
desperate attempt to be loved. It never occurred to be that you
can't get blood from a stone. Imagine the concept of loving myself
enough to let myself BE loved. It was as if I had to suffer enough
and then, if I was loved by the abuser, the love would be deserved.
It didn't occur to me that I just quite simply might be deserving in kind
to what I gave out. That maybe I didn't need to torture myself by
loving verbally abusive men who could not love me in return. It was
as if I wasn't worthy of a kind and accepting love.
I'm done! I
am ready to travel with no luggage and a happy heart. I am
ready to attract and be attracted to someone who can love. I no
longer need to have someone verbally bash me and break my spirit.
Mostly, I am willing to see things as they are now, not as I wish they
were. A wonderful thing happens when you wake up and realize you
really are worthy:)
Eventually, I hope
the sadness goes away and I can rise above my losses. The good Lord
is relentless until you "get the picture" and I am thankful for
that.
God Bless, and
thank you for your site. The self abuse you put yourself through in
dealing with an abusive person is relentless. The thinking, "if
only I did this", the pain of trying to figure out or understand why
they did or said this or that. There is no understanding.
Noreen
IF
IT HURTS, IT HURTS FOR A REASON!!!
See
Noreen's January 2000 update here!
