|It took a while, but J's anger
lifted. As the anger diminished, he was able to be less defensive and more honest with
himself. He was better able to identify and therefore deal with his terror, his desire for
a partner, his denial, as well recognize his personal assets.
The "secret" to a good love relationship is
the relationship one has with oneself. J is doing better in this regard than ever before,
yet he still has some work to do. Before he can fully appreciate what a thoroughly
wonderful human being he is (and he is), he needs to accept his shortcomings. He
is human, and by definition, far from perfect. The following email illustrates his growth
as well as an area of un-OKness he needs to accept.
Monday, April 05, 1999
I got a lot out of today's session. I know that I seemed to be out of focus, but I was
listening. I know where I am and where I may be headed. I know that I am scared, but I
think that MAY pass. Incredibly, I spoke with Sue, this Babe a friend knows, and made a
date for Sat night! We are going to see a movie. It's a start. I don't even know what she
looks like, but I am looking forward to seeing her and talking to her in person. I think
this is the beginning of the end of my fear. I hope. I think that I will want a
relationship eventually. Now I need to sit still and learn more about myself.
I need to make myself happy. I do know that I will NEVER live
down what happened with Yolanda. I think that nobody will let me live it down. That
makes me feel very, very bad.
You are right on target with everything
except the stuff in red. There is nothing to "live down." There is no
shame; nothing to feel badly about in reality. You did nothing wrong. Life is a learning
process and she taught you: that trust has to be earned; that some people are simply not
trustworthy; that actions speak louder than words; that you need to face reality --
especially when you don't like the truth and would prefer to believe a fantasy that allows
you to feel better.
Check out the shame stuff. What underlying
thinking is creating your "very, very bad" feeling? Convince me that what
you did that was so terrible.
Irene Click for Jay's Fall 1999 Update