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Look how far J progressed between January and April:
Date: 1/4/1999
To: Dr Irene
Dear Irene,
I still see you because I think you are a benefit to me. I cut back on the visits because
I am better adjusted now. Do you think it's time for me to fly solo and try this alone?
(Dr Irene: Absolutely not! But why bother coming if you are not willing to
try a different way? Glad I got your attention!) Maybe I am too reliant on you.
(Perfectly normal at this stage of the game.)
I wrote this for the website:
Yolanda is not the only reason I do not trust. I have been through a painful divorce too.
Then I look at other relationships. Too many exist for reasons other than love and the
desire to make a life together. Some people stay together for children, to keep a house,
or just because it is too much effort to end it. I realize a few couples out there really
are happy, my parents included.
I do have a control problem. I want control in all aspects of my life. The relationship
with Yolanda was a lesson and I did learn. I learned to avoid relationships at all cost.
That I can control. I will not waste any time dating, courting, and joining only to go
through the inevitable break up again. I have better things to do. I have doubts
about my ability to have a decent relationship. Maybe I don't trust my judgment because I
am not ready to take another chance. (Yep. It takes time to recoup.)I will never have another relationship if I do not allow a person
into my life. For now that is the best thing. Perhaps this is just a phase. In many ways I
hope that it is not because I really don't want another disappointment. I have never, ever
enjoyed a relationship to the extent that you think is possible.
I am loveable. I like myself more now than ever before. I am
worthy of respect and my actions command such. Much of this is new since the ending with
Yolanda. (You bet!)
J |
| It took a while, but J's anger
lifted. As the anger diminished, he was able to be less defensive and more honest with
himself. He was better able to identify and therefore deal with his terror, his desire for
a partner, his denial, as well recognize his personal assets.
The "secret" to a good love relationship is
the relationship one has with oneself. J is doing better in this regard than ever before,
yet he still has some work to do. Before he can fully appreciate what a thoroughly
wonderful human being he is (and he is), he needs to accept his shortcomings. He
is human, and by definition, far from perfect. The following email illustrates his growth
as well as an area of un-OKness he needs to accept.
Monday, April 05, 1999
Subject: Hi
Dear Irene,
I got a lot out of today's session. I know that I seemed to be out of focus, but I was
listening. I know where I am and where I may be headed. I know that I am scared, but I
think that MAY pass. Incredibly, I spoke with Sue, this Babe a friend knows, and made a
date for Sat night! We are going to see a movie. It's a start. I don't even know what she
looks like, but I am looking forward to seeing her and talking to her in person. I think
this is the beginning of the end of my fear. I hope. I think that I will want a
relationship eventually. Now I need to sit still and learn more about myself.
I need to make myself happy. I do know that I will NEVER live
down what happened with Yolanda. I think that nobody will let me live it down. That
makes me feel very, very bad.
J
Dear J,
Good stuff!
You are right on target with everything
except the stuff in red. There is nothing to "live down." There is no
shame; nothing to feel badly about in reality. You did nothing wrong. Life is a learning
process and she taught you: that trust has to be earned; that some people are simply not
trustworthy; that actions speak louder than words; that you need to face reality --
especially when you don't like the truth and would prefer to believe a fantasy that allows
you to feel better.
Check out the shame stuff. What underlying
thinking is creating your "very, very bad" feeling? Convince me that what
you did that was so terrible.
Best regards,
Irene Click for Jay's Fall 1999 Update |
Courtesy of J and Dr. Irene Matiatos,
 1999
The material on this website may be distributed freely for
non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author
credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the
authors at DrIrene@drirene.com.
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