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12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

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My Story 6

Reply to My Story

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Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 04, 2001

S1

Ladybug-January 2

You are one very bright and ambitious woman! You can't get through a PhD program in nursing without being extremely bright-they are extremely difficult programs (I know, I teach at one of the top PhD programs in nursing). But to go to school, work full-time and deal with an abusive husband. WOW! Going back to school may have been a way to escape from your husband's abuse, but what a constructive way to escape.

I met and married my abusive (ex) husband quite a few years after I graduated. But this year has been absolutely wonderful-I divorced him a year ago December and I've never looked back. Until I left, I didn't realize how much abuse I put up with and how much of my time he was soaking up. Without his presence (and constant pouting and/or raging if he didn't my constant attention) I've really enjoyed doing ordinary things again i.e., working on my house, doing things with my daughter, going to museums, etc.

There is a better future ahead of you. Life is too precious to waste on an abuser!

Janet 

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 05, 2001

S1

This is a reply to lilshamrock. I think you are on the right track to get away from the father of your daughter. I think moving far away is a good idea, making a plan ahead of time and getting the support of your family. You deserve better and your daughter will be better off with one healthy parent than 2 with one being sick mentally (abusive). I also suggest that you see a lawyer where you are going for advice on custody. You can see one for free as a consultation and just get info about your parental rights perhaps relieving some stress in that area. Love to you. Hang in there. bluegirl

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, January 06, 2001

S1

I am hoping I can be of help to someone. My father was a PA, I never felt loved or accepted. I didn't know what it was like to be held. Appreciated for my efforts, all the things the people on the site are feeling. I met my ex husband when I was 14 he was a sweetie. He loved me with all his heart. We married when I was 17. I didn't know how to love, I never felt love. So I had no idea really what real love was! As a child I could not handle someone brushing up to me. I didn't like to be touched at all. So you can imagine what it was like for a man who loved me totally. He was a smuggler, I could not handle it. So often I am sure he felt alone. I would belittle him. That was all I knew from my childhood. I was the classic PA!!! I know I made life for him hard. But he was always there for me. He never had one bad thing to say about me. He bought me gifts, kissed me, hugged me. Told me I was pretty even at 260 pounds. I knew this man loved me. I don't know why, Maybe it was the death of my father? But I changed. I didn't want to feel angry all the time. I didn't want to feel alone. I wanted to know what it was like to feel passion, love, I know you're saying well, your husband loved you. Yes, he did. But by the time I woke up our relationship was more like brother and sister. He didn't have sex but maybe once every few years. I did a total 180% change people noticed to, They would say how much I had changed. And I did. I now loved spring. I seen the good in people, not the bad. I seen where I had made mistakes. I was the one to blame for my problems not the neighbor, not my father, my mother, I blamed me! I changed. I liked me! But it was to late for my marriage. <I have been a changed woman for 5 years> I wanted more. I wanted passion, sex, to be in love. Not to just love someone as my brother. I lost a lot of weight. went from 260 to 175 we both got online. I talked to a lot of men. To make a long story short I was not the one to find someone else he was. A women much worse then I ever was. I am told by my children. And I found a man much worse then I ever was. I am now the victim, not the abuser. And I cry when I think OMG was I ever this bad, To such a loving man? No matter what "my pa" does to me. I will not ever harden my heart again. I love my heart :) I treat people with respect, with love. I am miserable. And maybe I hold on to him because I changed. And so can he? PAs do change. I did!!!! I was married for 21 years and I did not wake up and see what I was doing till it was to late. I have to say yes he enabled me! DON'T enable your PA to abuse you. DO NOT think you will change him with love! I need to say I had no idea what PA was till recently. I had no idea that was my problem. And I had no Idea my b/f was PA either. Please don't enable. Please get help.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 11, 2001

S1

DEAR RESPONDER TO MY POST: (SINGLE MOM SEEKING SUPPORT OF VICTIMS OF PSYCHOS) YOU LEFT ME TWO VOICEMAILS WHICH WERE CUT OFF AND I DID NOT GET YOUR NAME OR PHONE NO. I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR YOUR STORY, BUT HAVE FAITH. THINGS COULD TURN AROUND. A BOOK WHICH WOULD BE A GREAT HELP TO YOU IS: WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DIVORCE & CUSTODY BY GAYLE ROSENWALD SMITH. MY COURT TRIAL DID NOT GO AS WELL AS I HOPED. IT WAS NOT ABOUT CUSTODY, I HAVE BEEN GOING TO COURT CONSTANTLY BECAUSE HE FALSELY ACCUSES ME OF THINGS. I HAD APPEALED TO THE COURT THAT HE HAVE A MENTAL HEALTH EVALUATION, AND ATTEND COUNSELING. I ASKED THAT WE HAVE NO CONTACT UNTIL WE ARE IN MEDIATION BECAUSE HIS CONSTANT FALSE ACCUSATIONS COST ME THOUSANDS IN LEGAL FEES. I LET MY LAWYER GO—TAKING AWAY THAT POWER FROM HIM. THE JUDGE RULED THAT WE BOTH ATTEND COUNSELING TOGETHER AS A FORM OF MEDIATION AND LET THE PSYCHOLOGIST DETERMINE WHETHER THE “LIAR” NEEDS FURTHER EVALUATION OR OTHER COUNSELING, LEGAL MEDIATION. I FOUND THAT NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT EMOTIONAL ABUSE. DON’T EVEN MENTION THE WORD “PSYCHOPATH” IN COURT. THEY ARE NOT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE IT. THE COURTS TELL YOU IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED (I HAVE A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST HARASSMENT/ABUSE) TO CALL THE POLICE. WHEN I CALL THE POLICE, THEY TELL ME TO TAKE IT TO THE COURTS. IN REALITY, WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO DO IS TO “TOLERATE” THE ABUSE. THERE ARE MANY BOOKS RELATED TO WORKING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE, EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILERS THAT I CAN RECOMMEND, WHICH TEACH YOU HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR, YOUR ANGER. I’M NOT AT THAT STAGE OF RECOVERY JUST YET. I STILL WANT TO “MAKE SOME NOISE”. I CANNOT ACCEPT THE FACT THAT WHILE I AM SUPPOSED TO TURN MYSELF INSIDE OUT, THE LIAR CAN CONTINUE HIS DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR PATTERNS. (ONLY NOW HE’S HURTING AND MANIPULATING SOMEONE ELSE). I DON’T WANT MY SON TO SEE HIM AS A ROLE MODEL. YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM THE LOSS OF YOUR CHILDREN AND THAT IS A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW. EVERY DAY, I WATCH MY BACK IN FEAR THAT THE LIAR WILL TRY TO TAKE FULL CUSTODY OF MY SON. (WE NOW HAVE JOINT). YOU SHOULD STRENGTHEN YOURSELF SPIRITUALLY. WOMEN HAVE THE ADVANTAGE OVER MEN IN THAT WE HAVE PSYCHIC INTUITION. LEARN TO USE YOUR POWER. PRAY THAT YOUR CHILDREN WILL SEE YOUR EX AS THE CREEP THAT HE IS. AND IF THEY DON’T, THEN TRY TO FORGIVE THEM. IF YOU HAVE LOVE YOU NEED TO GIVE, CONSIDER FOSTER PARENTING. THERAPY & READING ARE THE KEYS TO RECOVERY. MY EX TOOK SO MUCH FROM ME THAT I SHOP ON THE CURB FOR TOYS AND FURNITURE. I HAVE RE-ADJUSTED MY VALUE SYSTEM. MONEY, AND A HOUSE ARE NOT IMPORTANT. THEY DON’T GIVE YOU A SOUL. AND THERE IS ALWAYS A DOORWAY OPEN TO A NEW FUTURE…YOU JUST NEED TO FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT. I WOULD LOVE TO SPEAK TO YOU. THE EXCITE VOICE MAILS ARE UNREALIZABLE. YOU CAN REACH ME AT HOME ON FRI EVENING—201-969-1624. OR SEND EMAIL TO ME AT PSURVIVOR@EXCITE.COM THIS HAS BEEN A LONG, ROUGH JOURNEY FOR ME. IT’S STILL NOT OVER, BECAUSE I AM NOT READY TO LAY DOWN AND DIE. I’M STILL GOING TO FIGHT FOR REFORMS, I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO IT BY MYSELF. IF I COULD CHANGE THE WORLD FOR THE BETTER IN ONE SMALL WAY, EVEN BY HELPING SOMEONE ELSE, IT GIVES ME GRATIFICATION. LIFE IS ABOUT LOVING, SHARING, CARING. ALWAYS BE THANKFUL THAT YOUR ABUSER LEFT! HE DID NOT DESERVE TO BE WITH YOU! YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM AND HE IS A BIG FAT ZERO! REMEMBER THAT.

 

 

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 11, 2001

S1

Dear P, I think that it's great that you have tried and even made improvements in your life. Just take some time to let your wife see it through her eyes. It may seem like she doesn't notice but she should. I would be so happy if my H would even admit what you have, it's the start of a good thing I say. About your child's broken bone I have been there too and no matter what, you will always feel responsible but it wasn't your fault. My daughter (the youngest) was playing with her older brother downstairs and guess what? She just feel the wrong way off the couch onto pillows and broke her arm. I think you are being too hard on yourself. Accidents will always happen and kids will be kids. Hope this helped a bit, anyway good luck. LeeAnn

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 05, 2001

S1

Dear Mary: Please listen to me. Stay away from that man. I read your story, your message to me. You said God bless me. God Bless you. You have to believe in yourself. You are better than him. He doesn't deserve you. His attraction is a lure, he is a devil. He is a sociopath. They have no conscience, no hearts. I am not a fanatic, I am not a crazy woman (although if I stayed with Psycho I would be). Trust me. Get away from him. Life is too good to waste on an evil person who does not love you the way you deserve to be loved. You deserve to be treated with respect. I am 40. I have a 2 year old son. You asked how court went. It didn't go well. I represented myself PRO-SE for the first time. I tried to convince the Judge that emotional abuse is abuse. A restraining order should protect me from abuse--even if it is not clearly defined under NJ statute. No one wants to deal with sociopaths in the criminal justice system. If you don't sport a bruise, you can't press charges. I've been dealing with this psycho, and his tricky emotional abusive power control false accusations evilness for over a year. I fall into his traps because I get pissed off. How dare he treat me with no respect. How dare he lie, compulsively about everything. I have alot of recovery to do myself. Anger management. Dont' let the psycho's win your power. But he is out of my life except for the visitation, and that is one step closer to freedom. Get that man out of your life. I will help you anyway I can to build your confidence. Write back. Best wishes. Survivor

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, February 16, 2001

S1

This is in reply to Julie, who posted her story on February 15th. My heart aches for your pain and fear, Julie. You are 22 and like me, you've grown up in an atmosphere of tension, anger and barely contained violence. I think you and your mother DO need to get out of that situation. Please try and find a way to leave your abusive father. I feel terrible that your mother was not strong enough to be the "adult" and take care of YOU and protect YOU from your father's rage, when you were little. Now you are 22, a grown up, but with scars from the past, and they can't heal as long as they continue to be ripped apart on a daily basis by your father. You must seek some closure and some justice in the here and now, by leaving the abuse behind you. Also, I know this sounds heartless, but if you cannot get your mother to leave WITH you, PLEASE LEAVE BY YOURSELF. Your mother is a grown up too, and you can only do so much to take care of her and protect her. She appears passive in all this. She seems to not want to make a decision on her own, but leaves all the responsibility to you. IT's not fair and it's a big burden to place on someone else. Practical things to think about: Is there an apartment you two can rent? Some relatives you can stay with while looking for a place to stay? Look in the yellow pages for resources regarding this. Get some counseling, talk to a professional about it. But please get out, and get out by yourself if your mother doesn't go with you. The longer you stay, the more you enable your father to continue the abuse. (I am sure you are familiar with the term codependency. Looks like your mother is an enabler in the codependency she has for your father.) Please let me and everyone else know what you have decided. ANNA (There are 2 Anna's on the "My Story" posts. Mine is the one posted on Feb. 16th)

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, February 20, 2001

S1

This is in reply to Katie who told her story on February 20th, 2001. Katie, this is Anna, and my story is a couple of dates before yours. Katie, you know the saying, "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer ourselves"? Well, this is the case with you. You already know the answer, because you've been trying to do it -- i.e., leave him. I too, tried to leave my verbal abuser over and over again. It took me a year to do it, so I understand your pattern of leaving/coming back/leaving/coming back. I understand the psychological games he plays and how he suddenly acts nice when he realizes you're about to bail out. Don't be fooled by it. It may take you a while to "get the message" and realize this loser will never change, but you will get the message some day, and you will leave. I hope it is sooner rather than later, but it will happen when you are ready. How do I know this? Because you didn't just visit this web site by accident. You came here of your own accord. You didn't just start telling your story because you were bored. You are actively participating in your recovery, and you already know the answers to your questions: they're all inside of you, in the part of you that is smart, confident, and refuses to believe the verbal garbage your insecure, bully of a boyfriend is doing to you. You know you're worth more than what he's giving you, Katie. You're just afraid, and that's normal too. But I will tell you that not once since I left have I ever regretted it. Let me tell you that the first day or two is hard, and then gradually, very gradually, you get better. Don't give up. Write down a list of all the horrible, terrible things he's said to you and the mean things he's done to you. At your weakest moments, when you feel like calling him or when he sweet-talks you, pull out that list. You'll be horrified about everything you've "forgotten" about your abuser. Don't' participate in this sick twisted game. You say you feel bad about yourself. Well, then hang out with people who will refuse to agree with you on your self-assessment. Don't hang out with a guy who feels so badly about himself that he has to transfer all his self-hatred onto someone else --- YOU. The process of growth starts somewhere. You have to start somewhere, Katie. You have to make that first step sometime, Katie. When will it be? When you're 50? 60? It's up to you. You know how the Grand Canyon got formed? By some water dripping. It took a while, but that's how it all started. When all else fails, remember Eleanor Roosevelt's advice: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Don't consent anymore. Take back your power and your pride. I know you can do it. Let me know how you are doing, please. Anna

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, February 21, 2001

S1

Katie, You are not 'used goods'!! And have no self esteem? Why not? You just did one of the hardest things to do, you walked away from someone who was abusing you. Be proud of you accomplishment! Also, be strong! You will be sad and miss the good time but, write a list of all the horrible things that he did to you and read it every single day. One day, you will look back at this as the best thing you could have done for yourself. I do.

Mary 

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