Replies to My Kids Turned Against Me!

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyright© 1999. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

B1: Submit
Date: 11/13/1999

S1

My heart goes out to you. As tears run down my face I say a prayer for your pain. I am also in a similar situation. I am afraid to make a stand in my home because I love my (abusive) 15 year old son so much I feel if I leave he will have no stability and his life will end up in shambles. My 11 year old daughter heard her father call me a bitch for the first time last night. (there has been other verbal abuse and name calling) She was angry and confronted her father. He made it plain that he was justified to do this. She was so mad. She wanted me to do something. she said I should leave. why am I so weak. am I going to sacrifice my daughter like I have sacrificed my son. You are right, they don't have to be abusing drugs to be abusive, but it is worse when they are abusing drugs. I don't have any advice for you, only sympathy. I don't want to lose my son. although when I do (rarely) stand up for my self, my son takes his fathers side and even tells me to move out. My husband encourages my son to defend him. It is sick. I know i am codependent to my son. He has so much going for him and my husband tries to take him to his sick level. They were brawling enemies for years until my husband found a way to bond with him, and that was through drug abuse. (smoking pot) When I try to stop it my son cries out "Did you like it better when dad and I were fighting, at least we get along now" Oh the dysfunction is terrible. I do have a question. I want to tell my daughter that her dad does drugs so she knows why his behavior has changed over the last two years. (that's when he started smoking again). But then I wan to protect her from the pain and disappointment. My heart goes out to you. May God take you in his arms and bring you peace. libbah@pacbell.net

B1: Submit
Date: 11/13/1999

S1

You have to leave. My husband (he is no longer in our home) was triangulating with our oldest adoptive daughter(age12) against me. He was also involved in very covert incestuous relationship with her. She does not hold responsibility for his sick behavior but there were many times when she sided with him against me. I made him leave and she told me other things he had done but she was still angry with me for making him leave. She has decided that she can no longer be with me because of this. I would not change my decision, although I am sad and heart broken. My daughter started to run away and I was able to open up services and get her off the streets. This was truly the best I could do for her. I let her know I love her and I tried to get her to safety but I can not make her want to be with me or her sisters. I also can not make her understand that what my husband did was very hurtful to her, she sees that she got special treatment from him, and actually wanted to be married to him. She does not see what it cost her at this point.

You can not protect you daughter from her father anymore you can give her a safe place to go when she is ready to leave, but she has to make that choice. The best you can do is to make sure you have a good support system around yourself and get out so you can heal. I am not saying this casually or easily but from experience and the pain I have gone through. There truly is not a healthy way to stay and you offer nothing to your children when you yourself are not healthy in your relationships.

I truly hope for the best for you and wish you luck.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/10/1999

S1

I to, think you should leave. Stepping back from the present situation will enable you and your family to see it more objectively. Try to think of it as a learning experience rather than abandonment. Hope this helps you.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/09/1999

S1

I would like to say that as I read your story, I felt as if I was reading my own story. I too have a husband that is verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. My children are 17 and 16. My 17 year old is in a rehabilitation center for drugs. He has been there for the last 3 months. My husband has started seeing a counselor and has "found God". The only thing is, he is still acting angrily towards me. He is only loving and supportive towards the kids, and only acts angrily towards me when we are not around the children. The children are blaming me now for things going sour between their father and me. They only see the side of him that he wants them to see. I know that this is another form of manipulation and control on his part. I too have moved out of the bedroom and into my own room in the house. I have not gotten up the courage yet to leave, but am working on my self-esteem and financial situation to be able to do so soon. I had found an apartment, but when I went to look at it I had a terrible panic attack. My children are also siding with their father. I am just sick about the thought of losing them, but I also know that I cannot stay in this relationship much longer. I also have faith in my Higher Power that my children will eventually come around. I have tried very hard not to judge the children and their feelings, but sometimes this is extremely difficult. When you are being attacked by someone you care for it is extremely hard to not defend yourself. I knew intuitively that this was another form of abuse, but I just couldn't find the validation for my feelings. Thank you for writing in. Reading your story has helped me. I will say a prayer for you and myself that we will both find the courage to move out and on with our lives as healthy adults. We owe to ourselves!

B1: Submit
Date: 11/08/1999

S1

I agree with Irene that no matter how hard it is you should leave and let events occur. Your children will always love you.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/07/1999

S1

I believe that in some way your children are expressing the anger at you for NOT leaving him earlier.

I grew up with a brute father too, although he never seemed to have enough personal power to rally the children against my mother.

I especially hated the statement she made that she stayed because it would be better for us kids.

Show some courage and get away from this man NOW. If it is your life or your job, which would you choose? You cannot save your children by letting him kill you a piece at a time.

Doormats rarely earn the respect that they believe is deserved by martyring themselves for the sake of the children, the job, the aggressor, etc.

By the way -- I moved away from home when I was 19 and my mother and I went through a rocky ride while I was going through co-dependent withdrawals during therapy. She couldn't believe I could possibly be angry with her when Dad had been doing so much damage -- BUT SHE STAYED, and thus put us through it too!!!! It didn't have to turn out that way, but her choice damaged six children -- one is still self-destructing 30 years later!

B1: Submit
Date: 11/07/1999

S1

My father is abusive. My mother sighs and tells me and my brothers what to say in order to appease him. I'm the oldest, only girl, and I get angry with all of this trying to make him happy. I just don't visit my parents any more. I get angry when my mom talks to me to get on her side. I have my own life and try to keep my son and me happy and "together." The longer I stay away, the better I feel, but I feel sad that the abuse does get worse when I am not there to accept the blame. I figure my dad, the abuser, will not change and he doesn't give me anything but bad feelings. Therefore, I keep my son away from him and I stay away. My dad has broken things, beat all of us, except my youngest brother--his pet, waved guns around and threatened to shoot me. My prayer is that my son's life will be better. My mom has to make her own decisions. I'm afraid if she left now he would literally kill her, shoot her. It was her choice to set up the pattern and I can't be responsible. Our lives may never be safe until he is dead. I wouldn't hurt him, but I won't stand in his way to get hurt by him.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/15/1999

S1

I am the original writer. Oh thank you! thank you! thank you! - all you who let me know I'm not the only one who is dealing with kids having "betrayed" the victim! And especially to the ones who offered to pray. I will add all of you to my prayer list, too - even though I don't know your names. It's OK - God knows. Update: My employer has told me that not only will I lose my job if I move out, but they will sue me for their entire investment in the home office. It's not easily moved stuff (like furniture). It's electronic equipment and phone lines and security systems - almost as costly to move as to reinstall. But my contract is not that long. I just have to hang in until January. Then I can renegotiate. But January is too far away for me to think. Right now, my goal is to make it through my college age daughter's visit home for Thanksgiving break. That's as much planning as I am able to deal with right now.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/18/1999

S1

In the 80's I encountered a similar situation. I walked out and it was the hardest thing I ever did. The children took the abuser's side-support system gone. Once these men use your children and turn them against you it basically destroys the mother/child relationship. They disrespect you and I don't know if it can ever be changed. I see even today in a grown daughter the disrespect that was implanted by the abuser. I am looking for books on the subject. The longer you stay in the relationship the worse the children become.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/26/2000

S1

I'm 13 years old and I've been in a verbally abusive situation twice. I think you should get out and then try ro find out something you can do for the 15 year old. My mom got out of our house five years ago. We were mad at her at the time, because we didn't understand, but a couple of months ago we opened up to her and found out what she had gone through. Now she is working on helping us. My mom is going for custody of us. I think that if you leave the 15 year old will realize what is going on and will eventually ask for your help.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/14/2000

S1

I raised my children almost by myself. Even on holidays and weekends my ex was away. When he was home, he was angry and cut himself off. When we separated, I was shocked to find that he took a sudden interest in our 7 year old son. What was more shocking was that my son responded so strongly to him, wanting to spend time with him and emulating his critical, sarcastic tone. I got good advice, that since I was the reliable loving parent, my 7 year old felt safe in reaching out to the wanted parent, knowing I would always be there. I made clear to my son, that he was to be respectful. After a few rocky months, my son has "returned home", while enjoying a new relationship with his father. I don't think it is over, however. I believe that I'll need to be prepared for recurrences in the future. Rejection from your own child is so hurtful. We have to know that we are not alone (even though it is something I haven't read much about), to stand up for ourselves, and to insist on respect. We have all learned in these abusive relationships that life isn't fair and we can't sacrifice ourselves to achieve happiness for others. Good luck.

B1: Submit
Date: 07/12/2000

S1

I really identified with your letter. I got married while still a teenager and had 2 daughters by a man who was abusive from the start even though I didnt realize it. I had sufferered abuse in a dysfunctional family and I picked a husband who treated me the same way. I have come a long way by reading and educating myself and getting a job and some financial security for myself and realizing just why I made the choices I did. The thing I feel the worst about is my deteriorating relationship with my young teen girls. I left him and moved out 6 years ago and my life was hell while I lived there and I'm still going through hell now. I was a zombie when I left, I had been yelled at and put down and screamed into submission and broken down to the point that I had no self esteem and no feelings. I was totally withdrawn and I couldnt cope with anything. I didnt know how to make any decisions for myself. I couldn't handle the kids because I couldnt handle their fighting and noise. Noise always freaks me out. I must have been in shell shock. I made a very foolish mistake. I didnt go to get custody of my kids or get a lawyer. I still had hopes he would come around and see me as a human and treat me as a human. I've waited 6 years and it hasn't happened yet. My kids have turned against me. The youngest wont speak to me, she is verbally and physcially abusive to me. My mistake was to leave them with him while I tired to repair my shattered self esteem and soul because I didnt think I could care for them myself. I felt like a bad person, like everything was my fault. Now that I realize why I felt this way and have gotten some self esteem and can be a proper mother, they hate me. He used the time they stayed with him to turn them against me. The worst is I blame myself becasue I left them there with that monster who is their father and I would NEVER do that today. I look back and I dont even know myself then. It wasn't me, it was some zombie in my body just going through the motions not feeling anything. I had very hard times financially and he used that against me. I wasnt allowed to take anything from the house, not even stuff i bought. I can't communicate to him about the kids, he blows up at me and thinks I'm attacking him. My youngest acts just like him, I hear the same words he always said coming out of her mouth. She calls me crazy, I am a piece of garbage, etc. It hurts more than anything and I still blame myself. I should have left sooner, kept the kids, got counselling and a lawyer. I didnt all becasue I had no self confidence and I feared his anger. I feel like I have lost my kids. I know they are going through hell too, living with his anger takes it's toll. I cant get custody because they are old enough to choose and they chose him. He is the one they see as stronger. I know deep down, they hate me because they feel I abandoned them. I hate myself for that to but it wasn't the way I wanted things to turn out. I have hopes they will become educated and eventually realize how much I love them and find their way back to me. I know it hurts to hear your kids abuse you like their father but try and realize they are just mimicking his behavior. Don't let them push your buttons and stand up for yourself. If you maintain a consistant behavior pattern of healthy behavior by standing up for yourself and not stepping on their boundaries eventually they might come around.

B1: Submit
Date: 05/18/2000

S1

I am going through almost exactly the same things that you are. My three children (all grown) all thought I should have left their father 30+ years ago and constantly told me so. I left last year after 41 years of a verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling marriage and now our "close knit little dysfunctional family" is split off in all directions. You can never predict what children will do. All of my children's lives have been impacted by the fact that I stayed with my husband "for the children's sake", and I believe that deep down they blame me for the problems they have encountered in their own lives. My daughter is still with me and helps me out from time to time but states that she does not want to hear any of my problems with regard to her father although she admits everything I say is the absolute truth. One son does not even speak to me - not even on Mother's day. The other son sends flowers and a card so he won't have to speak to me on Mother's Day. You just have to get out, get a life of your own and adjust. I've just found this site and it's been like a life line and an answer to a prayer for me. When I first contacted my attorney about a divorce and told him about my husband in some detail, he immediately referred to him as controlling and said he was a sociopath. I really did not believe him at first and then I started searching for answers. At this site, I have really become enlightened. Take one day at a time and deal with that one day. Don't get bogged down in yesterday and don't worry about tomorrow because it isn't here yet and you don't know what it will bring. Good luck!

B1: Submit
Date: 03/24/2000

S1

B1: Submit
Date: 03/24/2000

S1

B1: Submit
Date: 03/09/2000

S1

About your home office as a reason you can't move out. Why not pay for the equipment to be moved and lines installed. It may be a few hundred dollars but well worth it. How can you work there, given the situation? I don't see how your employer can force you to stay there. Find out how much it would cost and pay the expense yourself. Peace of mind is priceless and it is about time you had some! You have no idea how much better you will feel after you get yourself out of that house! I was once a very bad example for my kids. My daughter didn't speak to me for five years! But today we have a very good relationship. It may take time for the kids to get over this but they probably will. They may need some distance first.