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7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

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Replies For Tex

Replies For Tex 

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyrightę 1999. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

 

 

B1: Submit
Date: 11/18/1999

S1

Hi Tex, some more for your growing book. This time from Kali 3. We went on vacation. Let me use that term loosely. I did all the shopping etc, drove and on and on it went. So we got rained out and she suggested we go and find a motel or something. No problemo. She would pay her half. Promised it the following weekend. O.K. I said. Two months later, can I have your portion? With a snarl the response was "Has your VISA bill come!" Ooops. Best I leave that alone for now. That is but one incident. Not an atypical one either. I could go on, but best I put the past behind and get on with life having, please God tell it is so, my lesson! All the best. I look forward to future installments.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/21/1999

S1

Hi Tex, Please write chapter 4!

B1: Submit
Date: 02/07/2000

S1

Dear Tex, I am a 45 year old male that was married to a severe verbal abuser and borderline personality for seven years. Many people say that God put me there to protect my stepson which I believe now. I left the marriage 2 1/2 years ago and it took a long time to start to get my self esteem back. I just found this sight on 2-6-00 and will check back when I have more time. Till then take care and I will write more later. Travis

B1: Submit
Date: 01/25/2000

S1

Tex, it really doesn't matter if the abuser is male or female, it is still a crazy and painful way to live. Is it as damaging to the emotional life of a male as it is to a female? the pain is so deep for me as a female I just wondered if it was the same for men. thanks. Marlouise

B1: Submit
Date: 01/22/2000

S1

Tex, I am enjoying reading this. I hope you continue telling your story. I also hope you don't mind that I've put your link on my site for interested readers. Feel free visit me or email me if you like. Sage (The below url will take you to my links page.

http://STRAWBERRYSAGE.tripod.com/index10.html

B1: Submit
Date: 01/03/2000

S1

Hi Tex. Thank you for a very enlightening story. I come from a family filled with man-haters; not many are married, imagine that. I always promised myself that I wouldn't be like them. Then I was involved in a mutually abusive relationship (too much to tell here). After that I was with a "nice guy" for 3 years. The Kali in me did not come out during those years. Then we decided we needed a break, to make sure that staying together was really the right thing (there was obviously more here we were in denial about). He moved out and we both started dating other people. We found that we always came back to one another and decided that we would get married by the end of the year. I must mention, to my shame, that my Kali came out once when one of the gals he was dating answered his phone (I wouldn't ever answer some one else's phone). This rage possessed me and I went ballistic. Anyway, after we decided to take a break I decided to take a break from the pill; my PMS had been getting worse (hmmm) lately and I'd been on the pill for almost a decade. We got back together and, needless to say, I became pregnant. I now see that it was somewhat intentional even though we were Very careful, my fear of losing him was in the back of my mind and somewhere I must have thought he might stay. But the day I found out my first thought was that I didn't want to be a single parent and felt he would leave me. He did. During my pregnancy, when he started avoiding me and his friends were telling him it was a trap, I became Kali quite a few times. Not that he didn't dish it out a few times--and a whole lot more in the subsequent 8 years since. The tables have turned it seems. Anyway, your story made me face those loathsome characteristics in my own personality (to a much lesser degree, thank god!) and my issues with men. It was hard to admit those things to myself--I wouldn't admit it to my best friend! I never berated my ex on a daily basis (unlike my mother and grandmother with their temporary spouses). It was only when I got pregnant and then was quickly replaced that I lost it. I try very hard to turn into a Vulcan when I deal with him or his wife. I usually succeed. I have chosen not to date or pursue a relationship until after my daughter has her own life. I'm standing on my own and working through those issues with myself before dealing with any external relationships (no time, no energy, not worth it). I thank you for sharing and waking me up--sometimes we have to dust out the corners of our closet, guess it's time.

/TRes

B1: Submit
Date: 12/30/1999

S1

Hi! I pressed "enter" and did not finish what I was saying before. Anyway, this new fight came on because he found a car for sale on the internet 500 miles away, and the only time he could look at it is today and tomorrow. Initially, he had asked if I wanted to drive down with him, and then drive his old car back up. I thought it would be adventurous and said I would like that. Later that day, he gets on the phone with this same guy friend, and I overhear that he was going to take me, but since I don't serve a purpose (not knowing about cars) I would only be extra money in poundage and meals (110 lbs, and don't eat that much, BTW) Also, he said that this wouldn't be a "fun" trip, and that, according to him, I would only be disappointed because I wouldn't have fun. Though he thinks that I got upset because I am clingy and can't stand to be without him, the true reasoning is that 1: To find out that I was dis-invited hurt me, especially for those reasons, and to find out in such an impersonal way was a big slap in the face and 2. He expects to drive 500 miles, go to a crowded mechanic, where he was already told they couldn't fit him in for an appointment, drive another 500 miles and be back home with me in time for New Year's. Not possible!! I reacted in a childish way, and he got angry--more angry than I thought my comments warranted, and the next morning he said that perhaps we should take a break. I suggested counseling, and he said that there would be no point, as I have not grown and I still am clingy for not letting him go. He was so cold! I started to cry uncontrollably. I have a cat, and she would be homeless if I left. I have no money. I asked him if he could take care of my cat for a while if I moved out, and he coldly said that he would not like to. This lead to more tears. I do love him very much! He always says he loves me, and a lot of the time treats me so nicely, that I want to try to work this out. He says, though, that I am being abusive, that he has sacrificed his life with his friends, and that I have sacrificed nothing. I have been looking through this site, and I see a lot of abusive tendencies in me, and, when first I always accused him of being abusive towards me, I am wondering if it really is the other way around. As a guy, what is your perspective? :) Thanks, SPD

B1: Submit
Date: 12/26/1999

S1

Ouch. What an eye-opener. And very close to home. I've been acting rather Kali-like towards my own significant other, and it took your story to make me realize the damage I've caused. I'd like to think I'm not as far gone (and we don't have any children), but I see a lot of myself in Kali. And Tex is right about so many things; a life-partner should be given MORE consideration, not less, than a friend. Thank you for opening my eyes, Tex.

-Shadow-Kali

B1: Submit
Date: 12/25/1999

S1

Dear Tex, You could have been myself about 1 1/2 years ago when I was in a similar fix with my own Kali. I read your reactions, and they were mine. I got help. I went into therapy. I stopped complaining and started disallowing my Kali to do his thing. Amazing things started happening. I'm still working on it and each day I am stronger as I learn how to recognize and disallow when I am being treated poorly by him and every other person I didn't realize was doing it to me too. Keep on trucking fellow. It gets better. Miranda

B1: Submit
Date: 12/22/1999

S1

Tex....Read 1 - 4. Sorry. We aren't all that way. Hang in there. C.S. Lewis' quote..."don't pray for justice...pray for mercy" If God visited the justice we deserve on us or to those we see as deserving it...Fritter city...praying for mercy...if she got what she deserved...wow. If you pray for mercy...how much bigger is your heart. No way you deserve/deserved the Hell treatment. Bummer that your son has to live there. My mom was verbally abusive (and I'm female).. it still affects me now at 47. Keep on keeping on...you are already a winner cuz your eyes are open. I'm praying for you.

ME

B1: Submit
Date: 11/12/2000

S1

Dear Tex, These harpy (ex-)wives ruin it for honest women--yea, there's still a few good women around. Mainstream feminism, ever tries to turn us against our husbands by making fun of wives who've better things to do than "going out (to bars) with the girls," sponging up the money for shoppIIIIng trips, and other time/resource wasters. Sue

B1: Submit
Date: 09/22/2000

S1

Tex, one day you will be so grateful for Kali...without her you probably wouldn't be looking so deeply at the "why" questions of your life. It is the PROCESS of recovery that is so valuable. You're not affected by people, conditions and things but by how you THINK about people, conditions and things. You are accurate that the only harmed in the one doing the hating. Love you son, love what you can, and focus on those things.

B1: Submit
Date: 06/09/2000

S1

Dear Tex,

Thanks for working with Dr. Irene to get "our side" of the story out, and Thanks Dr. Irene, for encouraging this.

I too was the victim of spousal abuse from a woman, and have gladly put that pattern behind me (I hope). I am now a single and custodial dad, and co-founder of the Single and Custodial Father's Network (www.scfn.org). Many of the guys on the single dads list suffered at the hands of their exes, especially the ones with Borderline Personality Disorder exes. Their kids did too. Maybe we can get your stuff here hooked up on our web page.

If you're interested, I'd be glad to share more of my story, but suffice it to say that when I learned to just walk out of the house and not come back until I was ready to deal with her again, our dance of anger ground to a halt. Now she's venting all her anger on her new partner(s). I do my best to counsel them (if they ask for help), but beyond that, I just try to make sure my son doesn't witness their acts of violence upon one another.

Peace and strength,

- beel

B1: Submit
Date: 05/10/2000

S1

WOW - Looks like you are the guy I need to talk to. I have a few questions about getting out of the situation. I created an e-mail account to discuss it if you have the time, and are willing to do so. It is: justtiredofit@hotmail.com

B1: Submit
Date: 05/01/2000

S1

Hang in there! You can do alot better and I hope you find a nice girl. Smile! It makes people wonder what you're up to! :)

B1: Submit
Date: 03/29/2001

S1

Tex, I have printed your story and will read it in the next several days. Are you still writing? I am in a abusive situation, both verbal and at on time physical. I am still here only for my child. I was unable to find help and traditional shelters and people who help think I nuts. I currently feel like a rock with no feelings, but at the same time the abuse hurts. You may reach me at mcdonald211@hotmail.com

B1: Submit
Date: 01/16/2001

S1

wow. did your message hit close to home!

I am in the same situation. I've been thru two Kali's. staying with the second and trying to deal with her abuse. My father says, "You will certainly go straight to heaven. You lived your Hell here on Earth already"... :) :) lol thanks for your site. it brightened my day!

B1: Submit
Date: 08/07/2003

S1

Tex, your story is an inspiration to me. Please continue, if you have more to tell. Have you published any works? If so, I'd like to find out what so I can either buy copies or check them out at the library. My email address is fred151412@juno.com. I am Luke Stinnett, Addison, TX (a Dallas suburb). Thank you.

B1: Submit
Date: 05/18/2003

S1

dude, get over it bro....you are such a fucking loser

B1: Submit
Date: 04/23/2003

S1

I am advanced degreed professional male in my late forties who married for the first time at 45. I naively thought my education, experience, maturity and world experience led me to make the right choice for a lifetime partnership of romance, mutual love, common goals, faith in God and mutual emotional support. Ya-right! I am currently petitioning for a divorce after 3 years of constant, daily emotional and verbal abuse and 7 months of joint and individual counseling(initiated and suggested by me) confirmed that my wife is emotionally abusive, detached from any feelings for anyone including herself, and ready to hurt me verbally/emotionally at any opportunity even if it also means hurting herself emotionally. She lies to fit the moment with pathollogical precision and no regard for the actual truth. Your financial example here was so near to mine. We have no children but I contributed a larged monthly checkto my wife since we live in her house. She would routinely refuse or "foget" to deposit these checks and then tell anyone who would listen that I had not contributed "a dime" to the househould expenses. In fact I gave her $1400 a monnth and as I speak there are three outstanding checks she has not deposited datig back over two months ago totaling $2200. Classic. I am only through Ch 2 but I have already seen my marriage here with alternating emotions-laughter and grief-since many of the interactions here could be mine with few changes. Example: About 8 months ago, my wife, also a busy, advanced-degreed professional with her own career, called me at 10 am on a hectic Monday-a day that is always hell for me as a dept manager. She called to advise me "as an FYI for future reference" ( her exact words) that earlier that morning I had loaded the dishwasher "wrong" because many of the dishes were touching each other as they were stacked on the racks ready to be cleaned. So out during both of our busy days she had to call and tell me this. The epiphany I had at that moment was one of those benchmark events in our relationship. I had been abused for two years before and made excuses and minimized each tirade but this was the foglifter for me. I am slowly extricating myself from the private hell I have lived for the past three years. I am well known and respected in the city where we live yet to my wife I am somewhere between useless and borderline mediocre.I have failed to meet her minimum performance expectations-she once said. She recently told me "it's a stretch to spend any time with you". So, being the dumb and worhtless person that I am, it was amazing that I came to my senses. After all, men are not victims of abuse-society doesn't allow it. It will be most difficult but with support of friends and family-most of whom my wife will have no contact with and from whom she's desperately tried to isolate me from, I will make it out of this very dark place I know live. Brent

B1: Submit
Date: 04/22/2003

S1

Good one Tex. When does the book come out? Men need to hear this from other men. That it isn't due to something they're doing or not doing as men. That its something men actually have to deal with, and that the way out is as simple as realizing that you hold the key. Its and old phenomenon i'm sure, but only recently is it being mentioned outside the home. The old dysfunctional relationship cliche seeking to become a "truism" is of the jerk of a man with the put-upon woman, and how she puts up with everything, until she can take no more. I was one of the ones who illogically assumed the reverse wasn't a possibility, that if I just worked not to be like the stereotypical a$$hole guy, then I would find the perfect woman and have the perfect relationship. Did I mention i'm in my early 20s? Hopefully i've left some of that naivete behind. You've got a good literary voice, and I hope to hear that voice more often. Your message helped me as i'm certain it would help more men in the future. You've got a handle on the BPSO experience itself, and a handle on the process of getting out from under. I have a pet theory that we'll see more BPD women as a result of our modern society with its modern failings. As they discover their nurture against nature patterns and the consequences of them, we'll also have more bewildered men not knowing if its them doing something too much or not doing something enough. Believe t or not, sometimes it helps to hear someone else who's been through it say "it isn't you", and to remind them how easy it is to leave that situation in search of the happiness they really want. I used to think men didn't go through this sort of thing, that i was doing something wrong, but i see now that it happens, and that it isn't just a slow burn towards the end of the world.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/30/2002

S1

Hi Tex! Thanks for sharing your story; reading your words gives me renewed determination to commit my own tale to print-- not so much as a way to "point fingers" at anyone, but rather as a way to take "ownership" of my own essential role in the debacle that is my adult life, to age 42. I, too, am a guy who has lived a strange "shadow life" in a world that generally takes it for granted that the men are the abusers, and the women the abusees. As such, my recovery has been a largely solitary and introspective journey. And I, too, am a writer-- using my words as a form of catharsis. All the best to you! --Peter

B1: Submit
Date: 05/26/2002

S1

Poor you.

B1: Submit
Date: 05/23/2002

S1

Get a set of balls dude, I had a girl falsely accuse me of beating her, long enough for a restraining order to be issued and for me to be kicked out of my house, by the time I and a lawyer got it all straightened out I was in the hole 7 grand had lost a very cool apartment and my job. And I couldn't charge her criminally for false arrest because of some pussy whipped loophole in the domestic violence law in my state. She didn't recieve so much as a repremand and I didnt recieve so much as an apology, so if you could'nt take a little bitching, You must be fat or else gay.

B1: Submit
Date: 05/23/2002

S1

Get a set of balls dude, I had a girl falsely accuse me of beating her, long enough for a restraining order to be issued and for me to be kicked out of my house, by the time I and a lawyer got it all straightened out I was in the hole 7 grand had lost a very cool apartment and my job. And I couldn't charge her criminally for false arrest because of some pussy whipped loophole in the domestic violence law in my state. She didn't recieve so much as a repremand and I didnt recieve so much as an apology, so if you could'nt take a little bitching, You must be fat or else gay.

B1: Submit
Date: 05/02/2002

S1

Tex- I am involved with a man who was previously abused. His prvious relationship ended about a year and a half ago. She was diagnosed BPD during their relationship. He moved to my city almost a year ago (we were friends before he moved here) and in the last seven or eight months have become involved in a committed relationship, in other words, we're monogamous and have recently moved in together. I am having several problems in my relationship with him, although, for the most part (and the most important parts!) I'm really happy. (He's very sweet and we're very close. He is exceedingly patient with me, and I care about him a lot. We usually have no problems communicating; like I said, for the most part we both are happy) My trouble is that sometimes he will withdraw, or become distant. Things between us will go very well for long periods of time, and then for a day or two, he will seem depressed or sad; in a funk, kind of. Dureing these times he is defensive when asked even simple questions ("how was the concert?" "Fine."-walks out of room. -) He has told me that his ex was very jealous and would get angry if he went out and had fun. I don't expect (or even really want) detailed accounts of his whereabouts- I trust him fully, and don't feel he has anything to hide. But when he is down he seems to resent even the most moderate questions. I don't feel like this happens often enough for it to be a major issue, but combined with his physical and verbal withdrawal from me, it worries me in that it may eventually bother me more than it does. I don't want to become nagging or jealous, and I don't want to tell him what to do. I just wanted to know if there was any advice you could give me on how to approach this subject with him without touching off his pain from his past. At one point in my life I dated a very temperamental man. I wouldn't call it abuse, but I can see how it is difficult to recover from previous relationships and the hurt they have caused.(This ended about three years ago. ) I know that sometimes I feel bad because of things that happened to me in my past, and I don't want to force my current partner to do anything. I just want to maintain the closeness that we share, and give him (and myself) the space to feel good about it. I value him in my life very much and want to make it comfortable for both of us to be together. He is very considerate and I want to bring this up in a considerate manner...but I haven't been involved with someone with these issues before and don't know where to go from here. Can you help me out at all? P.S.- I don't feel anxious about approaching him, but I am a bit afraid he may distance himself if I do. I wonder sometimes if he is ready for a relationship. I am scared by this but I'm also willing to step back if I have to; I have other rewarding aspects of my life that involve me deeply and won't feel resentful about slowing down this relationship. Thank you so much!!!

B1: Submit
Date: 09/29/2001

S1

Thanks for sharing your story, Tex. I am in a very similar situation with my wife. I am waking up to the fact that I am not crazy and do not have an incredibly bad memory. I am dealing with a Kali. Next step is working on my skills so I will be able to negotiate rather than participate. I am also dealing with my need to "fix" her. Wow, your experience and Dr Irene's responses have been a real eye-opener. I wish you the best in your growth process. BobX