My Story 4

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyright© 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Tuesday, June 12, 2001

There is nothing at all special about me. I'm a middle aged woman who works hard, and asks for nothing. I support my children and spouse. I work one job full time and then go home and support the business he wanted to start. I do this 7 days a week. I can't express any feelings that make him the least bit uncomfortable or insecure without having to endure the anger and the rage, the verbal abuse. Like a torrent, relentlessly it comes, over and over again. Sometimes I want to kill myself I feel so worthless, so torn down. My own body, my cycle gets used as a scapegoat, when its PTSD that causes the aftermath in me. He never admits it. At least He only choked me once. Sometimes I wonder when he will leave. After all, he threatens it all the time. He uses works to hang the relationship on the edge and keep me miserable. Then he denies he did. He twists his own words around and makes it all me, and I heard him wrong. He says I don't know him and he is all about love, yet he doesn't give love when I am hurting and I need it most. He gives more pain. Today, I feel worthless. Today, I feel I have no place in my own family. Today, I am thinking of leaving for a while. Today I don't know what my future is. I have tried talking to him, I have tried understanding, and I am tired of it. It is a one way street. I deserve love.

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Tuesday, June 12, 2001

Where to start??? I've been following Dr. Irene's site since a very close friend (who was also going throught some verbal abuse - though apparantly not as severe as mine - who knew I'd be such a victim) told me about it. God Bless Dr Irene!!! I started to realize that I'm not crazy, weak, imagining things, etc... all of the feelings I think that we all feel when we start to realize the position we're in!! (LOOK, I still have trouble saying "I was verbally abused). Yes, WAS verbally abused. Atleast I'm really trying to get out of it. It's hard to believe that I, the nice hard working & honest LAWYER (no less) daughter of a nice hardworking & honest family was verbally abused at the not so tender age of 29-31. I NEVER imagined myself in this position. But it happens to the best of us.

My story started about two years ago. I was out of work & out of a boyfriend for about 2 years. Life was a little lonely. I joined an internet dating site & dated around a fair amount - too many first dates and no second dates. Finally I met a CHARMING successful man, who graduated from my alma mater, no less. He has/had the body of Adonis & was interested in - curvy - ME!!! WoW!!! He was Christian and seemed kind. The first thing that he said to me was "wow, you're more beautiful than in your picture". I later learned, and he ADMITTED, that you bring up the ugly girls & bring down the beautful ones (so I guess I'm ugly ?!?! No, he said, you just thought you were - well not really, just could stand to loose a couple of lbs, but don't a lot of us).... that was the start to slowly breaking me down. What followed was not wanting me to talk with/hand with my male friends, no lunches with male co-workers (even if it was 2 men & 2 women - the numbers were even and implicated too much, he said) - ALL of our activities were one on one. In two years we went out with his friends only twice. We went with my friends NEVER (except for a few parties-atleast I got this much). He demanded all of my free time - He even excepcted ("your my girlfriend) for me to call him on the cell at any free moment - including when driving - never mind that I didn't feel safe doing that. I wanted to take a sick day/mental day & he was mad that I didn't want to spend it with him - after all he's my boyfriend!!! so I just wouldn't take day's off. He berated me for putting my family first, afterall, he's my boyfriend. He hated the fact that I did things with my mother - I should spend my time with him - she's just my mother - everyone hates their mother !!! (WHAT!!!) Despite these red flags, I made excuses & dismissed it all. Afterall, he can't be the monster I think that he is.

Time went on and it got worse. He always walked ahead of me (he's trying to get to X earlier - oh, like 5 seconds makes such a difference!) Then worse, he called me punishment for how he treated his ex, he called me used goods, CUNT!, BITCH (it reached a weekly or more pace); he squeezed me so hard it bruised & then accused me of cheating b/c the bruises looked suspiciously like hand marks (no kidding, they're his hand marks!!!); he hugged me until I made a noise from being squeezed to hard; he bit my hand once & left marks (but it was OK b/c there was no blood, the marks went away - yeah, right); he pinched my cheeks - hard; HE THREATENED TO KILL ME NO LESS THAN 4 TIMES (once during SEX)- even THAT I justified b/c he conneceted it with my unknowingly passing on an STD & I felt responsible!!! But this still wasn't enough for me to leave.

Frequently when he spouted over the phone I just whispered "i hate you" over & over - I just hated what we were, what he said & what he did to me.

I was known to SOB in the bathroom with the water & hairdryer running to cover the noise. . . he said he heard me . . . no apologies etc, though.

This is just a SHORT list, too! It's what I can remember....

Finally, despite ALL of the above, on Mother's DAy 2001, he invited me to dinner with his family at a VERY chi chi restaurant (cleverly stating dinner next Sunday - "isn't that mother's day" i said, "well, yes, he said, but it's to chez chi chi". My mom lives out of the country & was in town for about 5 weeks - to leave the next week. He specifically said the invitation was for me only. (read: not your mom) I wanted to spend the day with my mom too- a big hulabaloo ensued & finally he suggested splitting the day. BUT because it took so much for so little, I called it off & broke up. The next day he kept me on the phone until 10-10:30 (I had to BE at work at 9:00-pluss the drive in) I finally caved & said let's take 30 days Off to figure things out.

THAT WAS THE BEST THING THAT I EVER DID.

Despite mourning the loss of him, I grew stronger (he ultimately was MAD that I got strong - what's wrong with strength - I guess you can't control me then!!!). Note, he came to my house no less than once a week during the 30 day separation. Utlimately, come the last week, I slowly packed up his stuff for him so that he'd have NO excuse to stay or come back. After a SEVEN HOUR break up (no ranging looney lady, just a lady), he left - (he has been back, I just don't open the door) He even had the nerve to email me and say he wanted a 'proper' goodbye given our history (so what was the 7 hours. This was three days ago.

As I write this, I feel more strength & the perspective is getting clearer! I need to stay strong & resist his charmsj. Thank you for listening :)

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Tuesday, June 12, 2001

Frequently when he spouted over the phone I just whispered "i hate you" over & over - I just hated what we were, what he said & what he did to me.

I was known to SOB in the bathroom with the water & hairdryer running to cover the noise. . . he said he heard me . . . no apologies etc, though.

This is just a SHORT list, too! It's what I can remember....

THAT WAS THE BEST THING THAT I EVER DID.

As I write this, I feel more strength & the perspective is getting clearer! I need to stay strong & resist his charmsj. Thank you for listening :)

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Wednesday, June 13, 2001

I am still here,six months after I posted my first story.The verbal abuse has intensified.I don't have enough of an income or credit to start out on my own.He has me pinned.He is in control.Last nite after he told me he hated me,and how ugly I am and that he cannot even bare to look at me-he added-in his usual rage that he would like to kill me,and that he dreams of killing me.I'm already dead inside-he killed my spirit long ago. I need to leave,but I don't know where to go.

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Wednesday, June 13, 2001

Post Title: Kristy & Kiran's Story: Almost 11 yrs ago, when I was 17 yrs old & about to graduate from High School, I met a 21 yr old male named Guy. It was my first serious romantic entanglement and I found myself pregnant. Before I even had time to let Guy know about our child, he deserted me and returned to his former girlfriend. After the initial shock, my parents were very supportive and since we are Catholics they encouraged me to have the baby. Before the baby was born, Mom & Dad asked me if I would agree to have them adopt the baby. The prinicpal reason for the adoption was to prevent her father from making her life complicated sometime in the future with custody lawsuits. There was a famous case being reported each evening on the news showing the year old child being dragged back & forth between parents. My parents thought they could prevents that from happening to my child. I agreed & they go in touch with the baby's father. He had not contacted me since returning to his former girlfriend and he couldn't agree quickly enough to signing the papers that (we thought) would release him from all legal responsibilities for our child. Three years later, after splitting with his girlfriend, he started to pursue me once again and finally I & our daughter moved in with him. For 3 1/2 yrs afterwards I tried to convince him to marry me. Nothing would persuade him to do so. His answer was always "if I ever get married it will definitely be you." As time went by, his domineering manner became even more strident as far as daily living. I worked full-time at a bank while he would sleep 'til about 10am each day, then he would finally go to his "self-employed" carpenter business. Gradually our arguments got louder if I didn't take care of the house(without any asistance from him) to his specifications or if our daughter had not had what he considered a proper diet. He would arrived home after drinking beer all evening with friends about 10PM each night. Finally, I could take it no longer and asked my parents to help me extricate him from the house permanently. They did so and he moved in with his parents. He still lives with them at 32 years of age. Just this past Feb. he sued me for longer visitations with my daughter. She does not want to spend the additional time with him but is frightened to tell him so since he usually verbally abuses her if she is what he considers uncooperative in any way. Because my parents & I are willing to take on the considerable expense of an evaluation, one is scheduled for July. My dilemma is how to convey the fact that this man has absolutely no parenting skills & does more harm than good to his child's development to the evaluator without sounding like the classic "alienating mother" all the men's advocacy group use in their propaganda. By the way, he pays no support & never has but the court's still awarded him standard visitation including a weekday evening. If anyone has suggestions how I can tell my story to the evaluator without him/her classifying me as an "hysterical female" who is alienating her child from its father, I would greatly appreciate it.....thank you, Kristy

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Wednesday, June 13, 2001

This post is for the woman who recently said she wants to leave her abuser but she's not financially independent enough. Don't let that stop you. Go to your local church & ask to talk to the priest, minister, rabbi or whatever your faith. Ask for advice as to where the nearest woman's shelter is located. If you have children take them with you to the shelter. You will be provided with immediate help as far as a place to stay until you are able to go out on your own. You will be given advice as to how it is possible for you to leave an abusive man and why you should for yourself & your children. Don't tell him what you are planning, just do it. If you feel he will try to gain revenge and that he is a dangerous person, go to the police & ask for an order stating that he must not approach you or he will be arrested. In fact, I would leave, get far away, and not look back.

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Thursday, June 14, 2001

HI EVERYONE, IM A THIRTY TWO YEAR OLD WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR NINE YEARS. I CAN SAY WE WERE VERY HAPPILY MARRIED FOR THE FIRST SEVEN YEARS, AND IT SEEMS THINGS HAVE CHANGED DRASTICALLY BETWEEN THE TWO OF US. MY HUSBAND SAYS THAT I DONT LOVE HIM. HE SAYS I PUT MY FAMILY, FATHER, AND BROTHERS FIRST. HE SAYS I DONT DO ANYTHING THAT HE ASKES ME TO, AND IF I DO, I DO IT WHEN I GET AROUND TO IT, BUT IF MY DAD ASKS, I JUMP RIGHT TO IT. I DONT SEE THAT I DO THIS, I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD THAT FAMILY COMES FIRST. I TAKE CARE OF ALL MY DADS BUSINESS AND BILLS, SO I FEEL WHEN HE CALLS AND HE NEEDS SOMETHING ITS MY JOB TO HELP HIM OUT. MY DAD DOES HELP US OUT FINACIALLY AT TIMES WHEN TIMES GET HARD. MY HUSBAND HAS HAD A ROUGH PAST TWO YEARS. HE ALSO HAS BYPOLAR DEPRESSION. HIS FAMILY IS THE TOTAL OPPOSITE OF MINE. WE ARE ALL VERY CLOSE AND THEY DONT SPEAK TO EACH OTHER AT ALL. THE LAST TIME WE SAW THE FAMILY WAS IN DECEMBER WHEN HIS STEP MOTHER COMMITTED SUICIDE. I KNOW THAT I AM CONTROLLING, I DONT LIKE ANY OF HIS FRIENDS THAT HE HANGS AROUND WITH, I JUST DONT THINK THEY ARE A VERY GOOD INFLUENCE ON HIM. WHEN WE GET INTO A FIGHT, AND IT TURNS INTO A SCREAMING MATCH HE WILL LEAVE AND WONT COME BACK TILL THE NEXT DAY. SOMETIMES IT HAS BEEN UP TO 5 DAYS THIS LAST TIME WHICH WAS JUST RECENTLY. I HAD A CYBER AFFAIR IN OCTOBER OF 2000, AND THIS WAS VERY OUT OF CHARACTER FOR ME. I NO LONGER SPEAK TO THIS GUY, BUT MY HUSBAND THROUGHS THIS IN MY FACE ALL THE TIME, HE SAYS I HAVE NO IDEA JUST HOW MUCH I HURT HIM. HE USED TO TRUST ME 120%, NOW HE DOESNT AT ALL. I JUST RECENTLY FOUND OUT THAT HE HAS BEEN LYING TO BE FOR THE PAST 9 YEARS. HE HAS BEEN DOING DRUGS OCCASIONALLY AND HAS LIED TO BE ABOUT IT FOR NINE YEARS. I FEEL OUR MARRIAGE IS HOLDING ON BY A MEAR THREAD, AND THE THREAD IS VERY THIN. THIS PAST WEEKEND WHEN HE PULLED HIS DISAPPEARING ACT I TOOK MY KIDS TO THE COAST OVER NIGHT, HE FINALLY CALLED US THE NIGHT WE LEFT AND WANTED TO KNOW WHERE WE WERE, WHEN I TOLD HIM HE EXPLODED AND CALLED ME NAMES AND SAID I WAS MEETING SOMEONE THERE. HE SAYS THE ONLY REASON THAT HE STAYS GONE IS BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT TO FIGHT WITH ME, WELL STAYING GONE AND NOT LETTING US NOW WHERE HE IS IS COMPLETELY WRONG. SINCE THE KIDS AND I HAVE CAME HOME THINGS HAVE BEEN WROTTEN. I LOCK MY CAR AT NIGHT AND HE THINKS IM HIDING THINGS IN IT. HE TORE MY CLOVE BOX APART BECAUSE I WOULDNT UNLOCK IT FOR HIM, AND THAT NIGHT WE GOT INTO A VERLY BAD FIGHT, A LITTLE TOO PHYSICAL. I TOLD HIM I WAS GOING TO LEAVE HIM AND HE WOULDNT LET ME LEAVE. THE STRESS OF THIS RELATIONSHIP IS WEARING ME DOWN FAST. I FEEL ALOT OF HATRED TOWARDS HIM, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH. I AM PISSED FOR THE WAY HE HAS DESTROYED MY CAR. AND I HAVE NO TRUST IN HIM AT ALL, AS HE HAS NONE IN ME. CAN OUR MARRIAGE SURVIVE, AND CAN WE REBUILD WHAT WE USED TO HAVE????? I WANT VERLY MUCH TO TRY, AND I WOULD APPRECIATE ANY ADVICE ANYONE HAS TO GIVE. I WOULD LIKE TO START ATTENDING CODEPENDENCY MEETINGS, AND I HAVE READ SEVERAL BOOKS ON THE SUBJECT. I AM CURRENTLY ATTENDING COLLEGE TO BECOME PSYCHOLOGIST OR IN THE FIELD OF SOCIAL WORK, GO FIGURE, I NEED SOMEONE ELSES PROBLEMS BESIDES MY OWN... MESHEEL68@AOL.COM

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Thursday, June 14, 2001

06/14/01

HERES MY STORY:

MET MY HUSBAND ABOUT 4 YEARS AGO. DATED FOR SIX MONTHS. HE MOVED IN AFTER THAT, WHICH I WAS A LITTLE HESITANT ABOUT. WE WERE MARRIED AFTER LIVING TOGETHER FOR A YEAR. IN THAT YEARS TIME I SAW WARNING SIGNS BUT CHOSE TO PUSH THEM ASIDE.

BEFORE HE MOVED INTO MY HOUSE I HAD TO GET RID OF A DOG THAT I HAD FOR ABOUT 9 YEARS. HE WAS ALLERGIC. THIS DOG WAS LIKE A CHILD TO ME. I WAS GIVEN A CHOICE, THE DOG OR HIM. DURING THAT PERIOD, I KNOW HE WAS SOMEHOW ABUSIVE TO MY DOG. SHE WANTED TO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. I HAD HER IN THE GARAGE OVERNIGHT ONE NIGHT, WHILE I WAS AT HIS HOUSE. SHE HID IN A SHELF, SHE WAS SO SCARED. HE SAID HE DID SOMETHING TO HER, BUT HE WOULD NOT REALLY TELL ME WHAT IT WAS. I DID CHOOSE TO GET RID OF HER AND HAVE BEEN FILLED WITH GUILT EVER SINCE.

WHILE LIVING TOGETHER HE THROUGH MY VACUUM ACROSS THE ROOM AND BROKE IT IN ANGER. HE ALSO BROKE A LAMP AND CAME OVER AND SHOOK ME REALLY HARD. I DID HAVE MARKS ON MY ARMS. I WAS SHOCKED. HE SAID HE WAS SO SORRY AND NEVER WOULD DO IT AGAIN. HE HASN'T TOUCHED ME LIKE THAT AGAIN. BUT THE ABUSE HAS NOT STOPPED.

HE DOES NOT GET ALONG WITH HIS FATHER. HE HAS SAID HE THINKS HE COULD KILL HIM. THEY ARE SO MUCH ALIKE. HIS DAD IS JUST LIKE HIM. I HAVE ASKED MY MOTHER-IN-LAW HOW SHE DOES IT AND SHE SAYS SHE DOESN'T KNOW. THAT IT HAS BEEN VERY HARD. THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 41 YEARS NOW. I CAN'T IMAGINE GOING THRU THIS FOR THAT MANY YEARS!!

WHEN I GOT MARRIED I WAS SO HAPPY. I HAD FOUND SOMEONE THE SAME AGE WHO WANTS KIDS, BUT DID NOT HAVE THEM EITHER. I WAS ALSO FEELING MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK TICKING, WHICH I KNOW AFFECTED SOME OF MY CHOICES. I AM GOING TO BE FORTY THIS YEAR AND WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY WHO WILL TURN 2 ON THE 19TH. I WOULD NOT TRADE HIM FOR ANYTHING. HE IS MY PRIDE AND JOY.

AFTER JUSTIN WAS BORN MY HUSBAND HARDLY HELPED OUT WITH ANYTHING. TO THIS DAY, HE PROBABLY ONLY HAS BATHED HIM MAYBE 4 TIMES. HE OCCASSIONALLY CHANGES A DIAPER.

THEIR WAS A PERIOD OF TIME WHEN JUSTIN WOULD WAKE UP IN THE NIGHT AND ASK FOR DADDY. DADDY WAS ALWAYS VERY ANGRY AND ASKING ME WHAT I DID TO HIM. WHY DID HE WANT HIM AND NOT ME. FINALLY THAT PHASE WENT AWAY. NOW MY HUSBAND WONDERS WHY JUSTIN WILL NOT COME TO HIM AND GIVE HIM A LOVE AND DOESN'T WANT HIM THAT MUCH. JUSTIN TRIED TO REACH OUT AND WAS REJECTED.

LAST YEAR I HAD A REALLY TOUGH YEAR. MY HUSBAND, DAN, DECIDED TO STOP WORKING FOR HIS DAD. HE COULD NOT KEEP A JOB. HE HAD EVERY EXCUSE IN THE BOOK. I CAUGHT HIM LIEING ABOUT BEING ILL. I CAUGHT HIM LIEING ABOUT STILL WORKING. HE EVEN MADE SURE HE WAS OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN I CAME HOME FOR LUNCH, WHEN HE WAS NOT WORKING. WE JUST BOUGHT A NEW HOUSE 2 YEARS AGO NOW. HE TAKES CARE OF THE BILLS, BUT I CHECKED OUT THE CHECK BOOK AND I COULD TELL THAT THE HOUSE PAYMENT WAS GETTING PAID BY CREDIT CARD FOR ABOUT 6 MOMTHS. OUCH!!! NOW WE ARE SO FAR IN DEBT I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. SECOND MORTGAGE, CONSOLIDATION LOAN, ETC.

DURING THIS TIME I HAVE BEEN HIT WITH SO MUCH VERBAL ABUSE THAT I HAVE PUT WALLS UP AND I CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE THEM COME DOWN, EVEN THOUGH THINGS ARE BETTER. WE ARE COUNSELING. WE STARTED TOGETHER. BUT NOW WE ARE COUNSELING INDIVIDUALLY. SEX IS NON EXISTANT, BECAUSE OF ME. AFTER MY SON WAS BORN, SEX HAS BEEN PAINFUL. PLUS IT DOES NOT HELP TO NOT HAVE LOVING FEELINGS TOWARDS YOUR MATE. I KNOW THIS BOTHERS MY HUSBAND, ALTHOUGH HE DOES NOT BRING IT UP OFTEN. I HAVE BEEN CALLED A F... BITCH SEVERAL TIMES. I'VE HAD A WASH CLOTH THROWN AT ME REALLY HARD. THE BEDROOM WALL HAS BEEN PUNCHED IN DUE TO ANGER AT JUSTIN WAKING UP. HE HAS YELLED AT JUSTIN TOO LOUDLY. HE GETS FRUSTRATED WITH HIM EASILY TO THIS DAY. HE NEVER HARDLY GETS ON THE FLOOR TO PLAY WITH HIM. I AM ALMOST THE SOLE CARGIVER AND I WORK FULL TIME TOO.

HE TOTALLY RUINED CHRISTMAS FOR ME. AT THE LAST MINUTE HE DECIDED THAT HE WAS NOT GOING OVER TO MY FAMILY AND JUSTIN WAS NOT GOING EITHER. HE SAID MY FAMILY WAS SCUM AND HE WAS NOT GOING. I DID MANAGE TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH JUSTIN AND GO MYSELF.

LAST JANUARY I ALMOST LEFT. I HAD A PLACE LINED UP TO MOVE AND BORROWED MONEY FROM FAMILY TO START DIVORCE PROCEDURES. I HAD SEEN A LAWYER AND EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT GOT DOWN TO LEAVING I WAS FEELING QUILTY AND TOLD HIM I WANTED A DIVORCE. I DID THIS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS PARENTS BECAUSE I DID NOT KNOW WHAT HIS REACTION WOULD BE. HE WAS SHOCKED. HE WENT HOME AND WHEN I GOT THERE WE DECIDED HE SHOULD GO STAY SOMEWHERE FOR THE NIGHT. HE DID. WE DECIDED THAT HE WOULD MOVE OUT, BUT THAT WE WOULD COUNSEL AND NOT FILE FOR DIVORCE YET. AFTER LOOKING AT A COUPLE PLACES AND TALKING TO HIS PARENTS HE DECIDED HE WANTED TO STAY AND WORK THINGS OUT. I AGREED.

WE HAVE BEEN COUNSELING SINCE THEN. SINCE WE STARTED HE HAS STILL HAD SOME OUTBURSTS, ALTHOUGH LESS FREQUENT. HE HAS CALLED ME A F... BITCH TWICE SINCE COUNSELING AND HAS BROKE OUR PLATIC PATIO TABLE IN ANGER.

HE FEELS COUNSELING IS HELPING. I FEEL IT HAS ONLY MADE COPEING EASIER AND ME A LITTLE STRONGER. I CAN'T LET THE WALLS DOWN, BECAUSE I CAN STILL TELL WHEN HE IS READY TO BLOW AND I CAN'T FORGET LAST YEAR. I FEEL LIKE I AM JUST WAITING FOR THE BOMB TO FALL AGAIN.

HE HAS BEEN WORKING FOR HIS DAD AGAIN. BUT HAS EXPRESSED NOT BEING HAPPY AND EVEN HAS SAID HE IS GOING TO QUIT. I CAN'T GO THRU 7 MTHS OF THAT AGAIN. I ALMOST HOPE THIS DOES HAPPEN AND HE QUITS JOBS AGAIN. IT GIVES ME A REAL EXCUSE TO LEAVE AGAIN.

HE HAS PERIODICALLY TOLD ME THAT IF I WAS NOT HAPPY TO LEAVE, BUT THAT I HAD A FIGHT ON MY HANDS, FOR JUSTIN. TOLD ME HIS FAMILY HAS MONEY AND WILL FIGHT FOR JUSTIN.

JUST ABOUT A WEEK AGO. HE GOT UP IN THE MORNING WITH JUSTIN. HE GETS UP EARLY. ABOUT 5 OR 5:30. WE TRY TO TAKE TURNS GETTING UP WITH HIM ON THE WEEKENDS. DAN HAD LOTS OF THINGS TO DO. HAD PLANNED ON DOING A FLOWER BED. HE GETS UP ALL MAD. THAT F..... FLOWER BED WILL HAVE TO WAIT, I'M GOING BACK TO BED LATER. AND I'M SUPPOSED TO GO BACK TO SLEEP AFTER THAT. SO I GOT UP AND TOLD HIM TO GO BACK TO BED. HE GOT ALL MAD BECAUSE I WAS MAD AT HIM FOR WHAT HE SAID. HE CAN'T NOT SEEM TO CUSS IN FRONT OF JUSTIN, WHICH MAKES ME MAD. JUSTIN TAKES EVERYTHING IN LIKE A SPONGE. SO DAN DOES GO BACK TO BED EVENTUALLY. HE SLEEPS TILL ABOUT NOON. COMES OUT AND SITS IN A CHAIR AND SAYS I KNOW YOUR NOT HAPPY. I HAVE HAD BETTER RELATIONSHIPS THAN THIS BEFORE. IF IT WASN'T FOR JUSTIN I WOULD HAVE LEFT THIS RELATIONSHIP ALONG TIME AGO. I TOLD HIM THAT IF THAT'S THE WAY HE FEELS THAT HE SHOULD NOT BE HERE. HE DID NOT SAY ANYTHING JUST SAT THERE. HE WENT BACK TO BED. LATER GAVE ME A HUG AND EVERYTHING WAS FORGOTTON AS FAR AS HE IS CONCERNED.

I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO TALK TO MY COUNSELOR SINCE THIS LAST EPISODE.

JUSTIN'S B-DAY PARTY IS SATURDAY. I AM ANXIOUS. PARTLY BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME MY FAMILY WILL BE OVER SINCE MY ALMOST MOVING OUT. PARTLY BECAUSE IT SEEMS ANYTIME WE DO ANYTHING REGARDING MY FAMILY SOMETHING HAPPENS.

RIGHT NOW. I KEEP WANTING TO BE GONE ONE MOMENT AND THEN WANTING TO STAY. IF IT WAS NOT FOR JUSTIN I WOULD HAVE LEFT ALONG TIME AGO. I CAN'T DECIDE WHAT IS RIGHT FOR JUSTIN. PLUS THE THREATS ABOUT HIM SCARE ME.

I HOPE SOMEDAY THE ANSWER WILL COME. RIGHT NOW I'M SITTING BACK AND NOT RESPONDING THE WAY I USED TO. I AM PRETTY NUMB. I HAVE FOUND A WAY TO LET THINGS BOUNCE OFF. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY WHOLE WORLD IS JUSTIN. I CONCENTRATE ON THAT AND DO MY BEST TO BE THERE FOR HIM.

I STILL KEEP MY EYES OPEN FOR PLACES TO MOVE TO. REALISTICALLY, I SHOULD STAY IN THE HOUSE UNTIL WE COULD SELL. BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TAKE THE CHANCE OF GOING THAT ROUTE. I'M REALLY AFRAID THAT HE WOULD NOT LET ME JUST WALK OUT IF I TOLD HIM THAT I WANTED A DIVORCE. I'M AFRAID HE WOULD TELL ME THAT JUSTIN WAS STAYING AND FIGHT.

IF ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO GIVE ME THEIR INPUT YOU CAN E-MAIL ME AT SWARREN@KIMHOTSTART.COM

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Thursday, June 14, 2001

I turned 46 in May 01 after a tumultuous year of leaving my husband of 19 years, who as far as I can tell is no abuser, just unmotivated and lacking in ambition which helped contribute to the demise of our marriage. I was separated from him in May of 00 when I met a man that so turned my head life has not been the same since. I am still with my abuser. When I found this site I wanted to cry because there were so many parallels. Almost all the Signs of Verbal and Emotional Abuse were present, he fit the verbally abusive partner, and most of the articles on narcissicm fit him, too. And, of course, I fit the pattern of victim. I am a raging co-dependent and relationship addict. I don't really see this weakness as being present before this relationship but my former therapist said the traits and patterns had to be there in some form.

Five months ago I lost my job. I was making $40K with a CPA firm, had all the trappings of success but had one problem. On an almost daily basis at work I would sit at my desk so devastated I couldn't function. I'd entered therapy three months before, a co-dependent's group, but primarilyl geared to substance addiction victims--family members with active addicts in their homes or lives. This did not apply to me, although I am an ACA, but it was the best program for me at the time. I went to group weekly, Al-Anon weekly, read my homework, tried to work on boundaries, etc. but found it impossible to detach. I didn't want to detach in anger, I didn't want to detach period. I was, I am, desperately afraid of being alone. Is that because I was married for so long? I don't know. I've been out of therapy for close to three months because I lost my health benefits and couldn't afford COBRA. I was put on several ante-depressants but because they kept interfering with my libido I took myself off them. It had taken me years to be sexually responsive and those pills wiped out any possibility of orgasm within 48 hours of being put on them. Each time I brought this to my Drs. attention I was told this could not be the case, that it wasn't a reported side affect. Yet, I can read, magazines, newspapers and the internet all indicated these were typical side affects. So, I got off my meds. I've attempted suicide three times in eight months. Desperately unhappy with my situation but unwilling to take the most positive step forward and just physically leave. I am hoping this will change when I give notice the first of the month at my job and my apartment. You see, when I began the relationship with my partner I moved to a different state to accommodate him. I have not had the strength to stay in this city and detach. If I am going to survive at all I feel this is my only hope. Yet, I told him I was going, and of course, he doesn't believe me. Why should he? I haven't held my other boundaries, didn't complete my suicide attempts, he knows I'm a blowhard.

I'd just turned 45, had recently lost 40 lbs and was still losing. I was taking pride in my figure, taking solo vacations from my husband and getting out and doing things I never would have dreamed of. I loved my new independence. It was on one of these trips that I ran into 'Monty'. He is the most physically beautiful man I've ever known. His charm, when I met him, hit me hard. He was open about his admiration of me, asking if I 'played'. OMG! Did I? This was the first time in years a man had hit on me. Someone actually found me attractive! Well, I went with the moment and was with him for a couple of days before we had to leave our own way. We made arrangements for him to visit me and within two weeks he was with me and we had a delirious week together. It didn't occur to me at the time that I was trying so hard to please, that although I truly enjoyed our sexual encounters because he was VERY aggressive and passionate, he made know attempt to meet MY sexual needs. After that visit I would make my move north within two months. They were two months of burning phone lines and hype. But when I got there I found he wasn't in any hurry to spend time with me. It was always on his terms, I had to understand his lifestyle and obligations. I started work but immediately began taking time from work to be with him. He was a professional dancer and his schedule/lifestyle wasn't 9 to 5 like mine and I was desperate to be with him. He was frequently on the road and I wouldn't see him for weeks and then two months here and there. I carried my cell phone with me everywhere. I quit going out and doing things so I'd be available if he was. I quit wearing perfume because suddenly it bothered him. I changed my apartment around because he wanted things a certain way. He reprogrammed my car audio stations and we could only listen to those when we were in the car. When we watched TV he always had the remote and we always watched what he wanted to. Soon the sex was maybe once a week and when he wanted it. If I tried to indicate I desired him he would shut down. If I reached out spontaneously to touch him he'd pull away and tell me not to touch him. He wouldn't introduce me to his other friends, let alone his family. Yet, I went along with this for a year. At one point when he went on the road, after, what for him was, a demonstrative good-bye he headed east on tour with the promise of being back within two months. He called every couple of days. Yet within two weeks a mutual friend reported to me that he stepping out socially with a woman he was calling his fiance. I was devastated! Attempt #1. That was my first STD testing bout. I didn't trust him, swore I wouldn't take him back when he insisted he wasn't engaged and didn't truly care for her. I would have to trust him. Yeah. I had Chlamydia. I swore again I wouldn't take him back. Yet, I did when he came back after his tour. I should mention that all during this time I was basically financing him. It always seemed he was broke. When we went out, I paid. He needed clothes or his kid had a birthday, I paid. His vehicle needed repairs, could I loan him the money? I even put in a new engine. Eagerly I opened my wallet, anxious to do whatever to keep him. This same pattern repeated itself over the next six months to where I am today. Broke, owing thousands to my credit card holders, desperately afraid to lose him still, terribly disappointed in myself and wondering how did this happen? I could go on and on but you know the story. If I don't have the strength to leave him this time I know I never will and what will ultimately happen. Of course, my therapist says I have the strength I just have to make the decision. I don't feel strong. I still want my 'poison', even though it makes me so sad and unhappy. When we are together and on those rare times when he is pleasant I am so happy, but he is like Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, which is what I've become, too. I am just so tired now.

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Thursday, June 14, 2001

I never knew what I was getting myself into in the beginning. My boyfriend of 11 months was not abusive until the 4th or 5th month of dating. This was after I had already fell deeply in love with this great guy who was understanding, sensitive and loving. This was the calm before the storm. It's the typical Price Charming act. How was I to know? Being naive on top of it didn't help things.

I never would have believed the things that were about to happen. Here comes the storm.......

In the beginning it was more subtle. Things that I didn't even think were abusive. Telling me I look soooooo good w/out make-up ( but trying to manipulate me into not looking good when I went out) Then it was, "The things you wear are slutty, you just WANT guys to look at you!" Not TELLING me to dress differently but letting me know he didn't approve. I didn't even know at the time it was manipulation. But it was. Trying to indirectly change me. It's like he's smart about the way he says things so I won't know what is going on.

Then he wanted to know where I was going for how long and with who. When I would talk on the phone in front of him it would be "Who's that?" Then a million questions would follow. He would be nice about it so I thought nothing of it. Plus I also thought he was just being sweet and caring. Like he just was interested in my life and wanted to make sure I was ok. Like when I'd go out he would try to make his questioning me into acting like it was because he was "worried" about me and my safety.

As time went on things got slowly worse. It wasn't an "in your face" kind of thing but a gradual one. He would get mad at me about little things. He even started yelling loudly in our fights while I stayed cool and calm. He'd hit the wall with his hand or slam his head against his desk from being frustrated then blame it on me. "If you didn't frustate me soooo much I wouldn't have to hurt myself", he's say.

When he had advise about something, he'd get very angry if I didn't take it. "I'm just not going to give you advise anymore if you're not going to take it!" He'd tell me this over and over....but he would still give advise to me. He'd accuse me of thinking he wasn't smart enough to take advise from. "You listen to other people but not me!!"

Then he just outright started calling me names in arguements. He knew I was VERY against this. I told him, "You don't call people you love names." He'd do it over the littlest things that he insisted were a BIG deal. Then he'd blame ME for the name calling. If you didn't do this or that it wouldn't happen. Just stop what YOU'RE doing. It was aggrivating.

My Prince Charming was turning into a monster and I thought it was MY fault. I would tell myself it was because of me. But....I was the sweetest person to him. I rarely ever raised my voice, certainly would NEVER call him a name, and forgave everything he did. Basically I'm the type of person that lets people walk all over them and just takes all the crap that's given. So I remained my sweet self. So how could I be causing this, I thought to myself?

I decided to get on a women's abuse board on the internet and see what people would say about my situation. I was still blinded at that point. I believed he would NEVER do anything to hurt me and he was just "having a bad day" or "had a bad temper", etc, etc. Well, after being on those boards for 3 weeks it just hit me. It really took that long. After hearing story after story and women's advise I finally got it. It was abuse and I shouldn't put up with it!

I just thought, "Hey, it's not THAT bad, and it could be worse, it's not like he's hitting me, he just can't control his temper." WRONG!

So we had a long talk. I told him it was abuse and wasn't going to take it anymore. I couldn't even believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I NEVER stood up for myself like this. After that things got better. But I was told by many people that this is what happens at first. Then he'll go back to his old self.

So, here I am now. 11 months after I met the man of my dreams, or which I thought. The person that would love me no matter what, never hurt me, and encourage me in everything I do. He wasn't that person anymore. That person never existed. He was just a mirage. Once I got up close he looked very different. But I am in love with him. I don't know what to do. I am very confused and hope that this change is for good. How can I not give him a chance? Everyone deserves one? But...if I just respected myself enough all along, I wouldn't even be in this situation.

So here I sit and hope. Hope that I can hold onto the dream. The dream of being with this person I fell in love with. Like it was in the beginning. No putdowns, no screaming, no control, just love. Loving me for who I am. My mistakes, my annoying little habits, all the things about me that I aren't perfect. Because I accept his, I always have. That's why I'm here right now....wondering about tomorrow and what will come.....

Thanks for listening....Love, M.

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Sunday, June 17, 2001

I just spent the past few minutes in an agrument about writing to this site and being acused of lying about this being the site that I was on. I wrote a lenthy story about what and how the whole relationship has evolved and shut the computer when he walked in and he again for the, who knows how many times, accused me of being with or talking with someone else and lying about it. The shame of it is that the entire story was lost when I closed the computer because I was going to read it to him. Now I'm feeling guilty for trying to seek who is the abuser and who is the victim. Is it me or is it him or both because in the beginning I was calm about every situation now I react back. Hoping for a better life.

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Monday, June 18, 2001

Hello !! I was in a verbally abusive relationship for approx. seven years. Before I knew it was abusive; I thought he just hated me for giving birth to our son Jason. I was called names at first; When I refused to put up with it the abuse took a turn. The mind games began. I felt like I was loosing my mind. Keys being hid, my purse, Art supplies dissapearing etc.. My family lives in Western Maryland and I am in New Jersey. So there was no-one there to give validation of my situation. I was never married to this man. He is not on my childs birth certificate, and never claimed him as his legally. Time had passed; I met a wonderful person that I almost turned away from being paranoid of getting close again. But something told me he was different. He is now my husband of 3 years; for that I am grateful. The cruel part of this is I may loose my son. My son's father (the abuser ) Now wants custody of my child. This started 18 days after I was married. I have spent every penny I own and could borrow to fight this man in court !! The fight continues; my lawyer now says I haven't got a chance to keep my son. I have tried to work part/time. Each time I get a job I am harrassed by my abusers friends and neighbors. I really do not know which way to turn. I have been yelled at in public in the grocery store telling me I am nothing but a two bit _____!! By one of his neighbors. It is humiliating !! I have had screws in my tires; but cannot prove he is behind it !! I was misdiagnosed when my son was 2 years of age as Manic depressive; while working in a nursing home. Because when he was nice I was fine; even Happy. When I was under attack I was quiet and withdrawn. A RN Diagnosed me as Manic Depressive and sent letters to a Psych. that I was to see. I took no test I went under no observation. Yet when I left my abuser my symptoms stopped. I hate being in the same room with him. I feel as though my guts are being ripped out of me !! Yet the court system in New Jersey is about to give my child to him as guardian. I am suppose to be mentally incompetent. Yet the court system and their investigators have not ONCE looked at any of my documentation !! I do not understand !! I do not have the money or any fight left in me to save my son. I can only pray that my child will be OK !! I know I will have to fight tooth and nail to just see my son once the court is out of the picture. This man will make my life a living hell. Even more than what he is now !! I have always been a very bright ; outgoing person and a freelance artist. He has taken alot from me that I can never recover !! I have to push myself to paint; something that I love to do !! HOW DO YOU STOP THE UNSTOPPABLE ?? He has money; and is familiar with the laws of New Jersey. I am from Maryland and I am barely making the bills. I called the abuse center and have been told someone will get back to me on several occasions !! I have yet to hear from them !! Because they are backlogged !! Approx. 1 year into the custody dispute my son at the time was around 6 yrs. old called me a Slut !! He said my dad says I do not have to listen to you because you are a Slut !! I feel trapped !! My son is turning against me and I have seen a real change in how he views Girls/ Women. He is now almost 9 and I truly fear for him and what is ahead. My abuser has went through 3 dogs and multiple other pets. He hit and kicked the St. Bernard untill she developed Cancer in her leg and was put to sleep. Then was Tigger a mutt, that was repeatedly kicked in the stomach; she had surgery and later died. Now there is Cheyanne a dalmation /Mix. She is terrified of him. My son often tells me of how he has hit and kicked her !! He goes through pets like they are nothing. Yet the community looks at him like a upstanding citizen. He is a small businessman. He never lets anyone see this side of him in Public. NEVER !!! So of course I am the lunatic !! I am not the first victim of his and I am sure I will not be the last. I just hope and pray that my son survives and becomes at least a nice human being. My son is afraid to speak against him !! He told Dyfus once about his father hitting him. Nothing was ever done !! So now Jason refuses to say anything against him. I think the only justice that can be done is that somehow someway he will pick on the wrong person; I hope she has about 7 Big Brothers to defend her !! I just hope my child isn't there to see it !! Thank you Kathy in New Jersey

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Wednesday, June 20, 2001

Hi all

I have, for years, had reason to believe that my husband was emotionally abusing me. It started on our wedding night when he refused to have sex with me, because an old boyfriend - from school days - showed up at my parents house two days before our wedding. When he wanted to talk to me the day before the wedding, I unfortunately asked him to take my mom home while I checked out the final arrangements with the restaurant we were to have our do at. That night, I realized something serious was wrong, because he was withdrawn and quiet, but he wouldn't talk to me. We got married the next day. On our way to our hotel - two hours'drive away, he was quiet and eventually, when we walked into our room said that he hated the day, that he wanted to cancel the wedding - we were already together for seven years by that time. I cried through the night. By daybreak, he forced sex on me and asked me to forget everything. "Lets enjoy our honeymoon." I didn't want to trust him again, but I did. It was, after all my fault that he acted like I did. I shouldn't have spoken to the nine year back ex-boyfr. He accused my mother of inviting the guy over just to ruin his wedding.

History repeated itself. When I did something wrong, he became withdrawn in all ways and eventually scold me. Through the years, I became more and more withdrawn myself, until I finally snapped, and on the spur of the moment, had an affair. I was not looking for sex. I was looking for comfort from the pain. For acceptance, no matter what. He found out about it years after it was over. Now, he says just what he wants, wants to know all details. If I don't, he says that I don't want to talk to him. He really blows his top when I tell him that it was as a result of his treatment of me, which is no excuse too, I know. I still had the option to rather divorce him before. But, you know the big BUT by now. I love him. Still, he throws back any blame to me. How can you blame me after what you've done? The guilt is incredible. He tells me to go back to my country and my people and had certain demands for having him stay and not leave. He has full control over my income. He checks my e-mail. I have to tell him daily if someone has flirted with me or made inappropriate remarks. Same with phone calls and e-mails from the affair guy. He wants me to go back to him. I don't want to go back to my parents or this guy. He meant nothing to me. I want to save my marriage. I've been to see a psyciatrist, but only about my problems at work, as he is controlling there as well. Stopped because he nagged and nagged about it. Not allowed to go out of the building, go on trips for work or training. I go to work regularly with swollen eyes from crying. Cannot work. Have been reading this site for the past couple of days. I feel like the abuser. I've told him a long time ago that he has killed my spirit and that he is wearing me down emotionally, but he uses it as a joke against me to taunt me. How can you expect me to treat you differently after what you've done? he asks. He's so hurt, tells me stuff that hurts me so badly, and when I've hurt about it for years, months or days and his good side comes out - when he asks me what's bothering me and I say this and that, he says, but I told you this because I was angry at you when you blamed me. You know you should not blame me. I may not e-mail my family from work. May not call them from work. They live 1500 km away in a different country. He does not believe that our son is his. He keeps on asking me again and again about details. He's paid private investigators to find the affair guy, showed me a photo and tells me that our son looks just like the guy. It is not true. It started after our son was born and as the guy is also in a different country, we only met once in person. am I the abuser? I cry and cry and cry and cry, yet he does not stop the questions or the hurtful remarks. He tells me that he cannot overcome the affair, and that he thinks he should leave. When I tell him to make his own decisions, he throws it back at me saying that I want him to leave. I don't provide enough support of the right kind. I try to get on with our lives, but he keeps on going back, and back and back and back. I've considered suicide,but what about our son. I cannot leave him with a father who does not believe that he is his. Why did you name him after my father? How could you, knowing it is not my son? It is his son. I'm crying, for I so badly want him to love me. Just love me for what I am. Not what I was supposed to be. When I point this out to him, that he keeps on telling me who to be, what to wear, etc. he dismisses it as his trying to help me. I've been nice and good to you all these years. I've only been with you. I wasn't the one who went and f*&&ed around. I abused his trust, I know. But does it really give him the permission to treat me this way. He told me that he will never again trust me. I can understand that. He does not want to hold my hand in public like he used to before. I don't know how many men out there you've slept with. I don't want to make a fool of myself. Am I the abuser? I feel like I can put on my walking boots, take enough cigarettes to last me until I die and walk into the desert. No-one will find me. And then I think of our son saying see you tonight mommy, and I go on, I smile and I try to be brave and face another day. He says he'll never love again, but that I will find someoene very quickly. I try to assure him that I will never ever cheat on him again ( hell not after going through all of this), but he repeatedly says that I will have an affair again. I have to be humble and not try to defend myself. If I get assertive, he accuses me. How dare you, after what you've done? How could you do this to us? I know why, but he doesn't want to accept responsibitlity for his own acts. I know he never will. He's the angel in the story. I've stood by you, supported you, he says. How do I take the hurting away. He says hurtful things and when I point it out, he asks how I can feel hurt - either adding "after what you did" or that he said nothing that could hurt me.

What am I? I feel so empty and drained of all emotion. I cannot argue with him. He is excellent at that. I hate confrontation. In my work, I hide behind my PC and aksed to be transferred to another department where the job description would not demand that I go out of town or have after hours engagements. I've stopped going to gym because of a comment that I flirt with all the men there. I don't. I keep to myself, wherever I am. I talk to the minimum people, least of all men at work. He asks me what the people say at work - if I reply that I haven't spoken to any today, he says I'm lying. You must talk to people, next thing you're blaming me that I've alienated you from other people. How can I, if I have so much to hide.

Thank you for this site. It's made me realize how hopeless my situation is. That only I have the power to stop this, but that stopping it might mean leaving. I don't want to give him the satisfaction, though. He wants me to leave the country. I don't want to bump into you in town, he says. I've been here for fourteen years. It's my home. I have family in my country of birth who's become distant acquintances through the years. My work and my life is here. I could go on and on and on. Still, I feel like the abuser.

Good luck to all of you.

Lily

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Wednesday, June 20, 2001

I know what all you are talking about. My ex boyfriend Aurelio used sex to make me feel bad. He also had a way of telling me a lot I needed to lose weight, that I would look like a model if i worked out. Last time, I tried to be friends, he acted very unkind to me. I feel hurt and unjustified. I want to tell him to read this site and realize the signs. I know the signs and they hurt everyone.

Sunday, June 24, 2001

Rhett 06/23/2001 I am seeking some much needed feedback. I have been with my boyfriend for two years. My friends don't like him because of the way he treats me. They don't like the things he does and the reason they know is because I tell them when I am upset. He wants to have a birthday party for me. I told him no but didn't tell him the reason is because all of the people at the party don't like him and they don't like him because of what I told them. It's all my fault that they don't like him; they never even had a chance to get to know him. He is a type A personality; I am more submissive and quiet. I knew he was controlling when I first met him. He has this thing about being invited to go places when I am invited but not him. He says he should come with me since we are a couple and that is what couples do: they do things together. So, several times situations have come up where I am invited and he is not. It's really really awful when it happens because there is no way that everyone involved will be happy and I want everyone around me to be happy. I don't like it when others around me are unhappy, especially when they are unhappy with me. I've lost one friend because of this and she was a good friend. It is very scary that I let that happen; I just dropped her because she did not want him to go to this party where I was invited alone, without him. I still get the worst stomach aches when I think about it. No one in my life will ever know the good things about him because all I talk about are the bad things. It is my responsibility to tell him when something he says bothers me or hurts my feelings. I choose not to even bring it up because as long as he is alright and happy then everything is fine. If I had told him all of this in the beginning, maybe he would have realized that I am not the one for him. I feel like a huge liar in that I have led him to believe that I am fine with the relationship. I mean, I have a few times told him how I felt but it does nothing to change the relationship since I continue to go on as if nothing is wrong. I feel horrible that I've done this and I feel that I've ruined his life by being so immature and secretive and juvenile. That is why when he makes comments such as "who buys you dinner" and "who pays for things" I agree with him that he is right; because I feel guilty for leading him on for so long. But on the other hand, how do I know for sure that I have led him on? Surely I would not be in a relationship where I am miserable, right? Surely, I would look out for my own feelings before others, right? I constatnly worry about him because he has told me that he goes into depression when relationships end. Also, he uses cocaine.

I have made another huge mess. A close friend's birthday is the day before my birthday. My close friend's husband called me about one month ago to ask my assistance in planning a surprise party for my close friend. I said "Of course." The party is the day before my birthday, he is flying her family in from out of town. When I spoke to my friend's husband, he did not mention that my boyfriend was invited. I did not ask. I just assumed that I would go alone. Then, I told my boyfriend about the party because he knows my friend. I told him (I lied) that he was invited). Then, last weekend, I called my friend's husband and told him that I had already invited my boyfriend and I apologized. He paused for a minute. He said "Well I guess that cat's out of the bag now so we can't really do anything." He said "I guess it is okay." This close friend knows my boyfriend through me and she is the person I confide in the most about all of my problems. Last week, I told my boyfriend that I did not want him to go with me to the party. (because I did not want to make my friend or my friend's husband mad that I brought him) He was very mad. He said "Why, does her husband not like me? And, why would you invite me t

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Sunday, June 24, 2001

My story is kind of wierd. I didn't lived very much with my parents from my childhood.My father drinks alcohol and shouts at me every night. I am a very shy person. I moved from india to usa when i was 14. Now i am 18 years old. I am in love with a guy and we are thinking of getting married this year. I dont know why i shout at him all the times. I just can't control my anger infront of him. I feel so depressed but still he cares for me. I have this feeling that he likes some other girl but it's not true. I know that he loves me but still i doubt him. I yell at him with out any reason. He has many friends and he like to go out with his friends but because i am shy i dont like to move with people but i still manage to go with him but i feel so depressed inside. I told him many times that i dont like to talk to people very much. We are planning on getting married this year and i am worried whether he is a good partner or not. But frankly speaking he is a good guy. I feel that i am super sensitive and i get mad at him even he comment about a girl. I feel jealous , very jealous if he comment about other girl. Some times he says to me that he doesn't like my dress and stuff like that, at that time i feel very very bad and i get mad. I told all these things to him but he is not trying to cooperate me. I hope to receive an advice regarding my anger and depression.

Sravya.

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Sunday, June 24, 2001

Sravya.

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Monday, June 25, 2001

I was married to a wonderful or so the community thought. He was completely different in public. At home all he thought about was himself. We had our first daughter and he played a little bit with her and helped. But mostly when it looked good for him. You see, his image was very important to him, more so than his family. He had to look good. What he wanted and did was his number one concern. Then we had a handicapped daughter weighting 1lb 2 1/2 ounces. She was in the hospital for 5 months. When she come home, it was my resposiblity to do her cares every day and take care of our 1 1/2 year old. I was to do house work, yard work, and farrow pigs, while he was working and playing softball, basketball,etc. But I thought that was how it was suppose to be. The verbal abuse and emotional abuse was bad. But I could not see it. My friends all did. The trouble all started when we opened a business together. He would degrade me in front of employee's customers. He played alot of mind games. He actually had me thinking I was going crazy. When me and this other employee and her husband confronted him, he admitted to starting all the trouble. But it didn't stop. He never had time to be a dad. Other things, any things came first. My girls grew up not knowing there dad. The only thing they knew was to be quiet when he was around. My oldest daughter would sit or live in her room, reading. She was quiet and withdrawn. When he would get mad, he would yell and scream at her and chase her down the steps and throw her against the wall. I seen this twice. Then came the time that he grabbed me by the neck (in front of the girls)lifted me off the floor, carried me to another room and back and then in front of the girls.....threw me against the wall. You see, if I did what he wanted, things went ok. But if I would get the strength and courage, to tell him things that I wanted. He would threaten me with divorce, saying, "I could not make it on my own" He had me thinking that I was no good and needed him. When I would be with friends....which was seldom, they would tell me how he was and told me to put my foot down. And when I did.......divorce. I finally could not take it any more so I filed for divorce and moved out of HIS HOUSE. It was always his! And he was furious that I had the papers delivered to our business and the customers seen it. In other words, it didn't look good for him. When I left, he decided how much money he would give me and when. My children and I went with out food and neighbors would bring things for us. And my family really helped out. You see, we went from wanting and needing nothing to not being able to have food and clothing. Our life style changed completely. He had complete control over us yet. He lives in S.D. and we now live in Mn. Just 10 miles from his house. I took the girls to the local fair and seen a booth that was title: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I started to shake and tears formed in my eyes. I thought"My God, this is what I have been living". The booth worker took down my name and came to visit with me. What when my life started to change. I got into therapy. My daughter was seeing a private therapist but her "DAD" started going to my daughters therapist BOSS. And he showed her Dad her folder. My daughter's therapist was not her safe person anymore so I got her into a domestic abuse therapist. Now we are both in domesic abuse therapy. My life is still a mess, he was court ordered to do certain things and he refuses. He is in total control yet. I have spent $15,000.00 on a attorney. It cost alot because I had no clue as to what the store was making and he hid alot from me. We are now divorced.

I guess my main problem is my two daughters, My oldest refuses to go with him. I tried to help their relationship. I invited him into my home at Christmas, to give the girls their gifts. Well, an arguement rose between him and my oldest daughter and he grabbed her and threw her against the wall again. This time, he was in my territory and I told him to leave and he was never allowed in again. She totally refuses to go with him or even get into counciling with him. My handicapped daughter, goes on and off with her dad, but refuses to spend the night. So he gets her for a few hours and then brings her back. Just what he wants. My problem is that my handicapped daughter is like a 3 year old and cannot be left unattended. She came home and told me that her Dad leaves her in the house while he feeds the cows. You see, she has seizures, asthsma, and a speech, delayed learning, cerbral palsy,etc. I just informed my attorney and she contacted his attorney, but they will not respond. Forget Child protection, they have been called by my oldest daughters councilor 3 times and nothing has been done. Now he is on a kick that my oldest daughters therapist is not doing her job. I think it's because it's not going his way. She will not force her into a session with her Dad and that's what he wants. He has told my daughter that it is not abuse, it was dissapline. He has even asked her if she knows the difference. In other words, he has done nothing wrong. He is perfect and refuses to get any kind of help. My daughters therapist suggested, anger management, and a therapist to help him learn how to be a Dad, how to play and communicate with his daughters, but he refuses. Because he thinks nothing is wrong with him, it's us. My therapist and my daughters, feel that he has a narcissistic personality. Or an organic mood disorder. And we have tried to talk to him but forget it. It's us that need the help. My daughter's therapist has just wrote him a letter because he told us that her councilor is not going her job. So my daughter;s therapist asked him to call her, which he will never do. She wants him to have no contact with my daughter for a while. You see, my daughter is so angry at her Dad for not being there for her. And the emotional and verbal and physical abuse. No matter what my daughter did, it was never good enough for her Dad. And I am struggling now to boost her very low self esteem. Every other weekend when he comes and tries to get the girls to go with him, there is a heated arguement between him and my oldest. My oldest looks out for her little sister and is far more sensible that her Dad, and when she sees what he is going with her handicapped sister, she is her shield. I tried to tell her that I can handle it and she doesn't have to. But he takes my handicapped daughter to softball games and leaves her unattended, beer parties,etc. places that she should not be but it goes back to him doing what he wants, not what is in the interest of his daughter. If any one out there can relate to his mixed up story, I welcome you e-mails. You see, he has torn my self esteem down so low that I don't know if I can ever change. He made me feel that I am no good. I am trying my hardest to make my daughters lives happy. But he totally drags me down. Now he has started dating women from the town that we live in and they are known to have very bad reputaions. And my oldest daughter hears all of this. One works as a cook at the school and she is known to the school kids as the town whore. They call her spread eagle suzie. And I feel so bad for my daughter that she has to hear that her dad is her biggest customer. it must be awful. At the beginning Mark, my ex, told me to stay out of his problems with the girls, so I did. Now he accuses me of NOT HELPING. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Please e-mail me with any help that you can give me, or maybe just to talk. I don't get out because of my handicapped daughter so I would truely enjoy e-mailing with someone that can relate.

tklackey@traversenet.com

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Monday, June 25, 2001

Please e-mail me with any help that you can give me, or maybe just to talk. I don't get out because of my handicapped daughter so I would truely enjoy e-mailing with someone that can relate.

tklackey@traversenet.com

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Wednesday, June 27, 2001

I FEEL PITIFUL HAVING TO TELL MY STORY TO PEOPLE THAT DON'T EVEN KNOW ME BUT THEN NONE OF YOU WILL JUDGE ME, THANK GOD. I AM STILL IN SHOCK THAT THERE IS ACTUALLY A WEB SITE FOR THIS. I THINK THERE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HELP ALL OF THESE JERKS THAT DO THIS TO US. MY JERK IS MY HUSBAND OF ALMOST 9 YRS. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT HAS TAKEN ME THIS LONG TO GET SICK OF HIM. WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN I MARRIED HIM. I LOWERED MY STANDARDS FOR SURE. HE WAS THE BEST SALESMAN FOR HIMSELF. HE PAINTED ME A PERFECT PICTURE OF HIMSELF. GOODLOOKING, RICH, SWEET, ROMANTIC, ETC. HE IS NONE OF THOSE THINGS. HE IS A DR. JEKYLL MR. HYDE TYPE FOR SURE. THE PERSON HE IS AT HOME IS NOT THE PERSON OTHER PEOPLE SEE. HE IS VERY WELL LIKED IN THE COMMUNITY. GREAT PERSONALITY, GREAT WITH KIDS, ETC. AT HOME HE IS A SOB. I'M LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW RIGHT NOW TO SEE IF HE'S GONNA CATCH ME ON THE COMPUTER AGAIN. IF HE CATCHES ME TYPING INSTEAD OF CLEANING HOUSE-- IT WILL BE A KNOCK DOWN FIGHT-- VERBALLY OF COURSE. SOMETIMES I WISH HE WOULD BEAT ME UP JUST SO I WOULD HAVE PROOF OF MY PAIN.THAT IS PITIFUL. HE IS ARROGANT. ITS HIS WAY OR NO WAY. THE HOUSE MUST BE KEPT SPOTLESS. I'VE LET IT GET MESSY JUST TO IRITATE HIM. I'M SUPPOSE TO STAY HOME ON MY 1 DAY OFF AND CLEAN UP. HE TOLD ME A FEW WEEKS AGO HE WAS GONNA FIND IT SOMEWHERE ELSE IF I DIDN'T START HAVING SEX WITH HIM MORE OFTEN. HE CALLS ME A DUMB BITCH OFTEN. I WAS NOTHING BEFORE I MET HIM. I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD A DAMN THING IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIM. I DON'T CONTRIBUTE AT ALL. HE PAYS ALL THE BILLS. HE YELLS AT ME WHEN I'M IN THE SHOWER TO HURRY UP BECAUSE OUR TODDLER DAUGHTER IS CRYING. IF I LEAVE HERE I CAN'T TAKE ANYTHING BECAUSE I OWN NOTHING. HIS PARENTS ARE LOADED AND HE'S A SPOILED BRAT IF THERE HAS EVER BEEN ONE ON EARTH.HE GREW UP IN SEEING HIS PARENTS FIGHT LIKE HELL. HIS FATHER RAN AROUND WHILE HIS MOM WAS HOME WITH THE KIDS KEEPING THE PERFECT HOUSE. SO HIS CHILDHOOD HAUNTS HIM EVERYDAY. HE'S SO SCARED OF HIS PARENTS UNTIL ITS UNREAL. THEY ARE THE ONLY AUTHORITY IN HIS LIFE. HE DOESN'T FOLLOW ANYBODY ELSE'S RULES. THIS IS HIS WORLD AND I'M JUST HERE BECAUSE HE WANTS ME TO BE. I FEEL LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN HIS MAID, HIS COOK, AND SOMEONE TO SLEEP WITH. I USE TO BE IN LOVE WITH HIM. BUT NOW ALL I FEEL IS---DISRESPECT AND BORDERLINE HATE. HE HAS DESTROYED ALL MY FEELINGS FOR HIM. I LOOK AT HIM WITH TOTAL DISGUST. I'M SITTING HERE WONDERING WHEN DO I PACK MY BAGS AND MY CHILD AND LEAVE. I NEED A PUSH TO GET OUT OF HERE. I WANT TO GO BUT I'M CONSUMED WITH GUILT. GETTING A DIVORCE IS GONNA BE A YR OF HELL. I'M TAKING MY CHILD FROM HER FATHER. I'VE GOT TO SOMEHOW START OVER. I DON'T KNOW HOW I'LL AFFORD TO LIVE ON MY OWN. IT SO SCAREY. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN CODEPENDENT ON SOMEONE, MY PARENTS AND THEN HIM. THE THOUGHT OF PEACE IN MY LIFE SEEMS SO GREAT AND YET HERE I SIT. I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY TAKEN SO MUCH ABUSE. I KNOW I'M ABUSED. I'VE BEEN READING SEVERAL BOOKS THAT SAY MOST WOMEN DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE BEING ABUSED I KNOW I AM. SEVERAL 0F HIS BEST FRIENDS TELL HIM THEY DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT UP WITH HIS SHIT. THEY KNOW HE HAS A TEMPER. THEY SEE HE IS A DEMANDING, BOSSY MAN. THEY SEE HE'S A PERFECTIONIST. NOTHING EVER SUITS HIM. HE HAS AN EXPLOSIVE TEMPER. HE COULD GET MAD AT THE DROP OF A HAT. I SAW NONE OF THIS WHEN IDATED HIM BECAUSE HE WAS KISSING MY BUTT. ONE MONTH AFTER WE GOT MARRIED AND SAT IN MY DEN CRYING BECAUSE HE HAS CUSSED ME OUT AND LEFT ME CRYING. NOW I JUST SHAKE MY HEAD AT THAT THOUGHT. I COULD SCREAM FOR NOT LEAVING THEM. IWAS RAISED IN A BAPTIST CHURCH AND I ALWAYS BELIEVED DIVORCE WAS AN EASY WAY OUT FOR PEOPLE. PEOPLE JUST QUIT ON THEIR MARRIAGES. WELL MY OPIONION OF THAT HAS CHANGED 360 DEGREES. I CAN'T LIVE ANOTHER 9 YRS WITH THIS IDIOT. I'M GETTING PREPARED TO "DITCH THE JERK" BUT I NEED SOME ADVICE FROM THOSE THAT HAVE MADE IT. PLEASE SEND ME SOME REPLYS. HE STOMPS ON MY SOUL EVERYDAY. I FEEL LIKE I'M IN PIECES RIGHT NOW. I WAS SUCH A STRONG PERSON NOW I FEEL SO WEAK. I'M IN MY 30'S AND I DON'T WANT TO WASTE ANY MORE TIME ON A LOSER. I DESERVE BETTER.

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Thursday, June 28, 2001

Hi,

I have been married for almost two years and have a child from a prior marriage. I have a number of problems with my marriage:

1. My wife is constantly trying to control me. She monitors the time it takes me to get to work, the amount of money I spend every day, and who I speak to. (I have a beeper and a cell phone on me at all times so she could check up on me.) I have never been unfaithful to her nor given her any reason to believe that I don't love her. Yet, she constantly complains that I do not treat her the way she would like to be treated.

2. She insults me on a regular basis, tells me that no other women would go through what she has gone through with me, and that I am the luckiest man in the world because she is in my life.

3. Prior to meeting my wife I was rather inexperienced with relationships and resorted to pornography for sexual satisfaction - my faux pas was getting an ex-girlfriend pregnant. This addiction became a major problem for both of us as I struggled with it and ultimately gave up porn for good. My wife, however, will always throw this in my wife and starts huge arguments with me if I even look in the direction of another women when we are together. I love my wife deeply, but don't feel appreciated by her.

4. She has told me that she is witholding emotion and love from me until I change to fulfill her needs. I don't want to give up on this relationship and have suggested therapy. She vehemently refuses to go to therapy on the basis that no one should tell her how to think or what's right and wrong.

Is there any hope for our marriage? I am willing to do everything and anything - at the expense of being stomped on daily - for our relationship.

Any advice you can offer will be greatly appreciated.

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Friday, June 29, 2001

I was married to a German man for almost 20 years. He made an unconcerted effort to make sure that I never got what I wanted. The house was his. The kids were his. I was the housewife. Because I was home raising the kids, he was the king. Dinner was on the table at 5:30 every night. The kids were clean, the dog was walked. How dare I ask him to pick up milk on his way home from work! I was at home. He didn't have to do another thing. The lawn was mowed, weeds were pulled. I did it all... so that we could have a "free" weekend. He was never happy. Every day, when I heard the garage door open, and I knew he was home ......my heart stopped.....he would find some criticism. Never did he ask...how was your day.(it was insignificant compared to his).....instead he was like a snake in the grass looking for something wrong!). I tried to make him happy. Nothing worked. Finally, his company told him he would be fired if he did not get counselling (as he had many complaints about him)....this eventually led to him losing his job. I, after 15 years of being home home and looking after the kids and home.......went to work again, as a paralegal. I never got a word or thanks.........instead, it was......"it's about time"......."I have supported you all this time".......I would come home from work (actually I worked two jobs.....one full time and one part time....to make ends meet.....)and he would not have dinner ready, the kids were unsupervised...........but, I was the bad guy.

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Sunday, July 01, 2001

Im 17 years old. I have been seeing a man for about 10 months off and on. He has a really bad outlook on hoew he treats me. I really think I love him. We broke about a week ago. But he still calls and I still see him alot. Well anyway he drinks alot. He always callls me a slut and refers to me as "Bitch" or Stupid Bitch. He tells all his friends that Im a whore which Im not. He tells me he hates me to my face and continuosly pushes him and other girls in my face. But yet he won't leave me alone. I guess it's up to me to tell him to leave but I relly do'nt want him to but I don't know how much more of it I can take. It has gotten alot worse lately but I keep going back for more. It is to the point where I never quit crying and I can't eat. I just don't know what to do.

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Sunday, July 01, 2001

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Monday, July 02, 2001

I know i am being emotional abused. I just got married to a man feb,16 of this year it was all very good until the possesivness came out he would not let me see friends I was not a loud to hug them or give them a kiss on the cheek. Also trying to tell me how to raise my children more dissapline when he has never had a child. I went to his councelar I felt like I was the bad person .Well I can say one thing I am glad when he took his name off my lease when he was in an uproar. thats my saftey I want a divorce he keeps saying hes going to file for one. I never see any papers . OH heres a nother thing he thought i was going to pay for all the bills an his money be scott free.Most of us know when you have five kids theres no way. To support another person there is no way.So can you please tell me is there a qiuck divorce any where a person can get for a emotional abuse not enough to take funds to support there wife. how to get over being abuse an trust again? thank you louise snippert......

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Tuesday, July 03, 2001

My story has nothing to do with being in a marriage relationship. I was abused by my boyfriend. I considered him as my first sexual partner because the first time I had sex was the summer before my freshman year. The guy had put ectasy in my drink and so I really wasn't at myself. Anyway, I told my boyfriend about this. In fact he knew all of my secrets, everything about me. This was the wrong thing to do because he knew how to make me feel happy, and he knew how to break me down. He was the type of guy who within the first four months of our relationship (he was 20 and I was 19)he bought me a CD player for my car, a leather jacket, a nice bracelet, necklace, ring, sweaters, shirts, jeans, Nike Air Max shoes, earrings, etc. He gave me shirts to sleep in so I would smell like him and I thought he just adored me. I was wrong though. He started taking me away from my family, blowing up if he saw me looking at another guy, and telling me who my real friends were. He had to find a way to hook me. All through the relationship he told me he was sterile and I believed him. He actually had a look of pain in his eyes when he said it. Since I knew he wasn't cheating on me and he had me we had sex several times only once using a condom. After Valentine's Day I took a pregnancy test and to my surprise it was positive. I had to have an abortion. I was in pharmacy school with five years remaining it was just no other option. My mom didn't want grandkids she wanted a break after being a single parent all of her life. My ex's mom wanted me to keep the baby. She was just as abusive as her son. She would tell me what I should eat and things of that manner(before pregnancy). Abortion is wrong and I would never do it again but I just couldn't be in a relationship with him and his mother for 18 years. Another thing to think about is that kids have questions mommy was I planned? I would have to lie. I would never tell my kid your daddy lied and said he was sterile. After I finally left he told me if he would've have meet my sister first he would've tried to get with her, he said he wanted to kill himself, he tried to get with my best friend, and he asked for all his jewelry back. It hurts like hell and I still love him. I'm getting stronger everyday though. I even wrote a poem "better her than me". By this I mean better his next girlfriend than me to put up with his abuse. I refuse to get back with him even after all his attempts. He had his bestfriend call and say that he loved me and he wants to get back with me, he had his bestfriend call and say that he had been shot when my friend and I called the hospital and there were no gunshot cases, and he even said he was moving and his move depended on me. Whatever, besides what can I believe from him.

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Tuesday, July 03, 2001

My story by C.C.- I have been married now for almost 8 yrs.When I look back I remember not really being in love with him- I think I just wanted to be married.He was always very quiet-did not say anything about his childhood, his family, etc. (this should have been a huge clue) I was very open about myself(not very smart)During our 2 yrs of dating it was ok. I think I just wanted to have someone (lonely) One weekend we went camping with a married couple and their kids. His friend"Frank" was yelling and screaming at the kids-on the last day of camping "Frank" slapped one of the kids across the face! I was in shock! I questioned myself why my boyfriend would hang out with these people! That night I resolved not to see him again. (He also drank quite a bit at the time)The next day I ran into him at a gas station. He was all over me-almost like he sensed I was having doubts. Throughout this whole time I have refused to listen to my inner voice which has told me that things are not right and probably never will be. When we got engaged he would "dangle" the whole thing in front of me-like walking through the mall, going by a jewelry store and passing it as if to say I know you want a ring but no-just toying with me like a cat does to a mouse. I did not think it was funny but he did. I should have questioned his maturity. When we got married he had alcohol on his breath up at the altar! Still being quiet-I thought "still waters run deep"- yeah, right. Then I started thinking-He's a robot and incapable of expressing feelings! (Now after reading Patricia's book I see that he is a big time WITHOLDER and he uses this to have all the power and control) I do not SHARE any feelings anymore because it gets used against me later. I have a sense that he is a mysoginist(sp?hates women)He has 2 friends but sporadic contact. no family contact to speak of. I have two loving parents that I see frequently-he says I am still a child-can't make decisions and still need my mommy and daddy! Over the years I have isolated, gotten depression(no wonder) my eating disorder has gotten worse. I am in graduate school so I can be financially independent-I get flack about it like-you are just going to grad school to be better than others, you will never make as much money as me, going to grad school is a waste of time,ad nauseum.There are so many lies yet he says he doesn't trust me. He makes good money-we have a beautiful house, new van-shouldn't I be happy? Since Dec. I have told him how unhappy I am-he doesn't listen. He says OH your just depressed.blah blah blah. It is so lonely and boring- we only have surface conversations. He tries to hide his anger but I hear it all the time in his voice-his tone of voice. There have been times when we've had sex and he is TOO ROUGH- I have decided no more sex since there is no love, sharing, etc. I feel dead inside and very trapped. We have a 4 1/2 yr old daughter. I wonder if she picks up on the tension. He can be nice sometimes but I don't love him. Since I am not very disciplined with money I have handed over all the money stuff to him(stupid stupid) He is now a dry drunk-we separated 3 yrs ago-I filed for divorce-our daughter was 18 months old- I was very scared about being a single parent-I went back to him due to being overwhelmed, depressed, job-less due to depression. He expects supper on the table even though I work full-time, school part time! I let him pout/sulk cuz I don't care about his dinner-when I do fix it he criticizes it anyway!!!! His perception of reality is so different from mine! Lately I have been confronting his verbal abuse and this has made it intensify!!! One of these days he will probably explode from all of his pent up pain and anger. His dad was an alcoholic, verbally abusive. His mom is a shell of a person-nothing is there. flat affect. I don't know what I am going to do. I want out-it is only a matter of time!!! Please keep me and my daughter in your thoughts and prayers

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Wednesday, July 04, 2001

For as far back as I can remember I hated myself, although I didn't know why. If I breathed funny, it seemed, I was put down. My mother tried to love me, but it was more a suffocating love. She couldn't stand for me to have friends without putting them down, and I was just scared for the sake of embarassment to have acquaintences anyway.

The years passed by and I remember wanting so badly to be in anyone else's shoes; anyones shoes but my own. I didn't know why but I just hated myself. Her words became a permeated fixture in my mind and I was convinced of my own inferiority. I thought I was so fat and ugly that I wouldn't even allow myself to look in the mirror.

I attempted suicide when I was eleven. Other kids were worried about boys and grades - I was concerned with wiping myself off the face of the earth. My obsession with my weight continued on into highschool and in the tenth grade I swallowed an ink pen making myself purge. I didn't know why I felt so ugly. I just did. That lack of confidence had a lot to do with the men I decided to date. I made terrible choices.

But it isn't all bad. I woke up to a dream where in the mirror I saw the reflection of my mother. I realized that my life wasn't going to change until I changed what I could, and that was me. I was mortified to find that I was treating people the same way she was treating me - people that I really loved. Hence, I understood the possibility of abuse repeating itself for generations. But that was the key to my recovery. When I stopped picking apart everyone else around me, I stopped picking myself apart. I have in two years feel like in just re-doing my own thinking that I can overcome ANY obstacle in my way. The world is mine to own, and to ANYONE who has been down, I am telling you from experience, the only way is up when you hit rock bottom and the sky TRULY is the limit. You have control over the way you feel. I have the deepest empathy for anyone who has been through what I have been through.

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Wednesday, July 04, 2001

Once upon a time , I was independent , if a little insecure, I was well educated, and had a good career potential. I decided to do some travelling, during which I met and fell pregnant to a charming older man. He was flattering , attentive and caring ( or so I thought , and I loved him) His behaviour changed abruptly with the birth of my eldest son, a nurse commented to me whilst I was in labour that he had an extremely domineering personality ...she saw the writing on the wall that I had failed to. He is extremely abusive , and has hit me on one occasion, with controlled , persistent slaps because I was late picking him up. He dictates my life , my hobbies are ridiculed, as is my appearence , my friendships are barely tolerated ( just a little for public show )My television viewing is controlled , I am abused if I use the telephone, or undertake any activity which detracts from my 'job' of caring for him. our children love him very much , but are starting to express their fear of his ridicule. He can be very charming and funny. As I write this I feel stupid for staying with him , as I sometimes feel an overwhelming need to be dead. Why do I ? I don't know , I love my home as do our children , and I feel the need to maintian stability for them as we have moved often for his jobs.I feel terrible , and of course any advice would be to leave , but I don't know how , where , or if I have the ability to provide financially for my children, as I have been unsucccessful finding work, a subject about which he has been very cruel. I hate what I have become , and no longer have any boundaries left , I know this is my fault , but I don't know how to reclaim them , my spirit and mind are breaking, although I do remain a stable , loving parent to my children I believe. I hate him but I hate myself more, what a mess.I am no longer allowed to be a person, I have had one breakdown , and I am terribly afraid I am having another , which steals my mind, and my health. I don't know what to do, except go back on antidepressents and see if I can clear the fog enough to fight a path out.

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Friday, July 06, 2001

Ah welcome to the workd of the abused. With a six year commmittment and a child together, I was led to bleieve that he loved me and muy other two children. I gave,I cleaned and cooked and even quit my job to stay at home with our kids. I listned to chriticism regarding the lack of culinary talent that I showed from day one. I sold my brand new house to build a new home for us both to live in together equally. He would not feel threathened if he builit it.Then everything became HIS" Where do you think we went from there? I gave up muy job, my new home and my freedon. Where does this lead me now? Out on my butt with three kids, thrown out by the police becuse it wa not our house...Where do we go from here? Any ideas??????

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Sunday, July 08, 2001

It's been a couple of years since I last posted to this site. My still-boyfriend and I have been doing better than we were in the summer of 1999. Despite the rocky path, we have managed to stick it out for these two years. I think though, he has submerged his anger rather than eradicated it, as it has come out at me in full force for the past couple of days. We bought a house together a year ago that's over an hour away from the area we know. We did this so that we could one day re-sell and be able to move back to our over-priced homeeland. We sacrificed quite a lot to make this happen: we got a full time jobs where we spend the majoroty of our days on the road, and most of our free time is spent prettying up the place - or trying to. I feel like I'm a completely different person now, and I blame him. I look in the mirrior and I hate what I see, and it used to be quite the opposite. I am a violinist (though I have not really taken the thing out and played it for a couple of years) and a professional actress. I love all things artistic and beautiful, especially classical music. I used to play violin in groups and I enjoyed going to concerts, opera and I LOVED blasting Mendellsohn on the stereo. He does not have the same musical taste as I do, even though when he was wooing me he told me that he did. Now whenever I ask to play a classical CD in his car, he rolls his eyes and begrudgingly does it. However, the biggest thing that I have had to give up to make this dream of domestic bliss happen is my theatre. Acting has been the one thing that I truly love doing. It gave me a sense of self-worth that I have not been able to duplicate. It used to be that whenever I wasn't in a production, I would go mad! Unfortunately with the super-long workload and extra heavy commute, I have not been able to work in theatre. I have also gained weight, and no director will hire me anymore. Matt says it's that I'm stubborn, and that I don't get along with people, and I don't listen to them when they tell me to do something (Funny, since he never has really seen how I work in a proffessional theatre environment). Anyway, I know this is rambling, but a few months ago, I saw a picture of myself in a production from 1997 and I was, I hesitate to say, "beautiful" but I looked very nice. I started to think back on how I used to be thin energetic, social, assertive and in charge of my life, and I was genuinely happy. The only thing missing at the time was someone to love. Matt had a huge crush on me for years and I knew it. He was like a puppy dog, actually. I did keep him at arms legnth for a long time because I feared a relationship would detract me from my lofty theatrical ambition, but I guess I caved. Matt was very sweet, and he turned out to be a lot of fun, and when we consumated our relationship, he was so loving and tender that I thought, "If this is what it's like to love someone, then it's worth it to give up theatre and music - I'm happy and fulfilled". I know now that I was stupid. Though vehemently denies it, I think he has discouraged me from doing the things I love. I know this sounds kind of psycho, but here's an example: I did a show this past December, on top of the commute and 40-hour a week job, and when he came to see it, he HATED it. Now, it's OK to hate something, but it seemed that he was angry I was in something so "terrible". He seethed with meanness! (I told my colleagues in the show the things he said - I said them very objectively (I guess I'm now used to his critism), and everyone was shocked, and could not believe what a jerk he was). The show was not Shakespeare and it did not try to be - it was just a happy little Christmas family-type show that definitely had its faults. He sat in the audience throughout the whole thing with a scowl on his face! - everyone in the cast remarked on it. I am very depressed now. He said the absolute worst things to me tonight: he was mad because a little paint set was on his side of the dresser and he said that I was a lazy slob - or something like that and said terrible things like I have bad taste, I ruined the house with the decorating, I am a child, a princess, manipulative, controlling, etc., he pushed me over the edge and I started crying and then he started mocking me. Imitating my wailing. Yes, I was actually wailing. He says that he says these things because they honest and that's how he feels, and he wants to make me understand, and he wants me to try to change. I told him that I have changed: I am dumpy, hideous, devoid of soul, I can't have a conversation with anyone for fear of saying the wrong thing or having him criticize my conversation skills. I have spent the past few years trying to accomodate him and not get him angry at me that I am slowly losing myself. I was a very different girl back when that photo of me in the show was taken. Now I am nothing. He is still trying to take everything from me, and I don't know when he's going to stop. We were doing well for a long time, and I think the M word was starting to loom on the horizon. If it were a week ago I would be happy about that, but I know, even if he were to take back everything cruel, terrible and abusive he said about me (which he doesn't anymore - he used to) it still would be impossible for us - I wouldn't be able to have kids with him - it would be torture for them to grow up in his poisoned environment. I don't think I'm going to find anyone else that would love me - Matt says so all the time. So, I don't know! I'm too gutless to end it all, but I really do feel like my life is over. Anyway, thanks for listening.

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Monday, July 09, 2001

Hello I found this wonderful page a few months ago and I said, "Oh My! I am a codependent person AND A VICTIM and my boyfriend is an abuser!" The problem is I ignored what I read and kept going out with him. We had our fair share of fights. I finally said I had enough after he blew up on me this past weekend because I had to change plans we had made and he said I did it "incorrectly" so he gave me the silent treatment, rolled his eyes when I talked, and had a terrible tone of voice when he actually DID talk to me. I did blame myself at first, but then I came to realize that it was just because he lost his control and power for a moment. Also I think he flipped because we were gettin' too close emotionally, like the posts says. Everything on here describes him and myself perfectly. I know I can help myself I already ordered a book on codependency, but I"m so worried about my boyfriend and how he is going to get along (typical codependent response eh?) I also miss him terribly!! I want to tell him I'm sorry and I learned my lesson, but I know I can't to that to myself - I deserve much better!! Any advice on how not to keep running back to him and also to get him to realize he is an abuser? Thanks! I'm so glad I found this site it has been my powerhouse!

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Monday, July 09, 2001

july 9,2001

Hello

I am husband that has been separated from my wife and childrens for 6 weeks. Since January I was in therapy. Big mistake since it was marriage conselling and it should have only been for me.

Things I have found out include depression, co-dependant and just a very poor partner. Good at negatives but very poor at positives. Did have many more positives but poor communications skills to share them. Now have a better idea of how to communicate and it works.

The doctor has me on anti-depressants and I feel 100 % better. Have done much reading and searching and self reviewing. Have a heart condistion that had very strong medicines. Big side affect was additional depression. They tool me off that drug in May. What a difference. Thinking clear and feeling the best I have in over 10 years.

I now realize that I have been verbally abusive to my wife and children over the years. I also see that part of my problem is that I had view co-depandancy as marriage in part. I now see that is sick and that I had poor role models and problems from my parents and our family. Wife is now in very low point. Feels can not trust me and emotionally drained. Can not blame her and have forgiven her since most if not all was from me or caused by me. I am very sorry.

Why I am here is looking for answers and help. I am going to make myself good and then show my family that I can do it and with time I hope that trust will come back. Most information I have found is for the victim and not the abuser.

Yes, I realize trust and our relationship may not happen. I have to work on it for me first and then a side benefit will be it will work on my relationships with wife and children. I also have to work on it for my future were ever that may take me.

I also realize it will be work for 24/7 for the rest of my life.

If you have any suggestions or comments feel free to send them to me. laserman1999@hotmail.com

Have a great day. I am.

Allan

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Tuesday, July 10, 2001

What my story all comes down to is that I dont want to have sex with my