My Story 3

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B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, March 29, 2001

S1

Dear Jane, I know how you feel. You were really brave to leave. I know that I only see the good in my husband and that only occurs about 1 day out of 10. You have to remind yourself of all the bad. The look on his face when he screams at you. the terrible things that he says... and most of all how afraid it makes you feel. I am about to leave tonight in order to be safe. My husband is really scary and I am a coward. I love him very much and wish that he would change, but I finally know that he will not. I can't continue. think happy thoughts and remember life if too short for sadness. R

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, March 30, 2001

S1

I don't know what I was thinking when I met her. I think I was broke. I think I was lonely. I hadn't gotten over my ex-boyfriend and when "Jo" came along, she lavished me with compliments, gifts and romance. She came along at a time when I was at my weakest. I had "come out" as bisexual 2 years earlier and hadn't had many "female relationships" and this was new & exciting. She was a self-proclaimed "dyke" and she was experienced. She taught me new things. However, from the start, the red flags popped up. I was too desperate to pay attention.

We were together for 2 1/2 years. I just broke away last October (2000). During that time, she gave me a wedding ring set & declared us "married" (no ceremony, no nothing), she moved me in w/ her & then she moved us into a single wide mobile home which she decided would go in MY name. Her excuse was that her credit had been ruined by an ex-girlfriend. Naively, I believed her. To this day I'm still dealing with HER debt.

From the start, Jo had mood swings. Nothing I ever did was good enough. Her favourite phrase was, "You treat me like a damn dog." She was constantly complaining about how I never cooked for her, how I should have anticipated which work shirt she would need for the day, and about how I never could clean the house. She would throw things, punch the wall & continually threaten to leave me. On one occasion, she shoved an entire set of dishes off of the kitchen counter into the living room (we had kind of a bar between the 2 rooms) and almost onto our dog. She REFUSED to clean it up before the poor puppy stepped in it, therefore, I was forced (for the safety of the defenseless animal) to clean up after her. It was the kind of thing I wouldn't have done but for the innocent dog standing at my feet.

She isolated me from my friends, she was convinced that ANYONE who looked at me wanted to sleep with me, and she controlled every aspect of my life. The money, the bills, the things we (SHE) bought...and then had the audacity to turn around & say that SHE had spent all of this money on me...how DARE I refute anything she said! Truthfully, I was working & bringing home more money than she was.

The final straw came on Sunday, October 22, 2000 when she woke me up at 9:30 a.m. (funny how one remembers specifics at times like these) by SLINGING breakfast at me, stomping out & slamming the door behind her. I immediately got up & asked her what was wrong. She began her old adage about how I treated her like a "damn dog" & that she was leaving me. At this point, I said, "Let me help you pack." I think it shocked her, but she was playing this one to the fullest. She got packed & drove away. I paced. We had 2 puppies by this time. About an hour later, she called from her father's house. She said she was coming to get the puppies. I told her that she wasn't & I hung up on her. I grabbed a few clothes & grabbed the pups & headed to my mother's house.

Almost 5 hours later (after she called my mom's house several times, obviously attempting to locate me), she showed up out front & demanded to see me. I stepped outside & we walked to the street where her car was parked. She continued to slam her hand onto her car & demand I come home. She said she had come to "bring me home where I belonged," not in the house where the traitors (my parents) lived. By this time, I had had time to think. I knew I wasn't ready to leave YET. I got the pups & we drove back to the house, her in her car & the pups & me in mine.

For the next 2 days, I thought. I thought & I planned. I was going to do it. I decided that we should probably try & split the pups. One had always taken to her more & the other had taken to me. I thought it would make things more amiable. When I came home, Jo was making dinner & had some music playing. When I asked her to turn it down, she began to scream & bitch about how whenever she wanted to do something, I always made fun of her. It was then that I told her. She seemed DEVASTATED (don't they always?). Finally, after about an hour of begging, she gathered her things & left. I went to sleep at my parents. By the next morning (when I returned), she was finished.

For 2 weeks (at least) after that, she called my parent's house (where I was staying...I couldn't stay in the other house anymore) constantly. She tried any tactic she could. She made it a point to have her new girlfriend call me & announce who she was to my mother. Regardless, I have not spoken to her since the last day we saw each other. I'm constantly amazed by the similarities I see on this board between that relationship & my story. I never allowed myself to think she could be abusive.

I realise that most people on this board are abused by men, but realise that some women are abusive as well. Anyone can be a victim.

Thanks for listening...Em

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 02, 2001

S1

I'll get to the guts of the matter, as it is an all too familiar scenario. I am attempting to end a 3 year relationship with an alcoholic. In the beginning, I felt this person gave me a new lease on life. Now the good is being heavily outweighed by the bad and my emotional well-being is at a breaking point. My attempts at encouraging communication are all but snubbed by (I'll call my qualifier) "Al". The more desperate our relationship becomes, the more he clams up. I know he's hurting, but he would never admit to it or open up his heart to offer solutions on how we can salvage our relationship. (I know at this point, I am beginning to ramble!) I belong to Al-Anon and read many books that keep me focused and secure in the fact that I can only control and change MYSELF. That said, I guess the feedback I am seeking is how do I accept my boyfriend's inability to open up? How do I accept that he is seemingly emotionally detached and indifferent to this relationship? I just want him to feel as helpless as I do and admit to it!!! Overall, I want him to admit that alcohol is ruining his life and seek help. In the meantime, I am doing all the healthy things I know to do. All the while, that is being interrupted by my desire to know that he is hurting as much as I am. I want him to BEG for forgiveness and the chance to make the relationship work (the promise to go to AA) because it is the best thing he has known!!!! Thanks for letting me share. "Jane"

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 02, 2001

S1

Hmm, I'm not sure really where to start. So I guess I'll just begin by saying I went over the abusive check list and I was able to check them all. Also being a quick learner and being taught by a master himself, I seem to have picked up some of his tactics which just increases the tension. I could post my own examples but there are plenty here already, some worse, some not.

Anyways, that's brings me to the one thing I cannot seem to find any real suggestions or advice on. I already don't care what my husband does or says. I already plan on leaving as soon as I am financially able to. I have planned this for years. What set me back was almost 4yrs ago after having my tubes tied, finding out I was pregnant. Yes, I'm the text book victim. Up until that point I got thru every day simply by marking off the days. Which was when my then youngest son would attend school full time. At that point I felt without having the huge daycare expenses I had. That I could manage supporting my then 3 children on my income. My husband works sporadically, under the table and would out of spite quit just not to pay me support.

The realization of being within 18 months of finally getting away from him and now having to wait at least another 5years. Put me in bed for six months until I realized that I was severely depressed. This occurred off and on for the past 3years. No, it wasn't just because of him ( although he didn't his best to make it worse), I lost my 3 main support people and aside from kids. They were the three people I loved the most.

So now here is where I am. With a man I have no desire or intention of trying to fix. Just doing my jail time for having chosen and behaved so poorly. What concerns me is that he knows he no longer has any power to make me happy or sad. So he goes after my kids. Which makes me realize that I cannot sit this out as I had hoped. However, after calling and seeking advice on what support is out there for people with kids and a job. I have found nothing. I honestly do not know how people with young kids pick up and just leave. I make too much to qualify for financial programs and not enough to bear the burden of childcare for 3 young children alone. I'm totally in shock over this. I don't need help forever, just temporarily and its not out there. No, I don't have family and not having let myself cultivate or maintain friendships over the years. I just don't have anyone to lean on but myself.

So now Vie pretty much resigned myself to having to be here with this which Vie created. Unfortunately, my youngest being born on Halloween means Vie got 3yrs until he's in school fulltime. My other sons are now 7 and 8. Thankfully, my eldest (yep same dad, no sire is more correct) is in her last year of pre-med school. I cannot allow this situation to affect her ability to go with her own life. Therefore I cannot or will not make this her problem. Sure she helps but I cant let her make her choices based on my bad choices.

I know I cant possibly be the only one confronted with this. I also know there are people who have gone thru this. I can only hope that those of you that have can share how you did this. If you had to stay how did you keep your children from being affected. Certainly I agree ,I cant stop or change how or what my husband does. Yet, children mimic their parents....will mine chose me or chose my husbands???? Then my more immediate concern is the wear and tear on myself. You see my husband does things like not give me messages from the sitter. Shuts off the alarm clock while I'm sleeping...etc.. When I have a scheduling conflict between the sitter and my work and he's supposed to be there. He will leave the house 10 minutes before I have to, then return an hour later making me late for work and putting my job in jeopardy. I know why he does these things. It doesn't help much though in dealing with the daily grind of it. I already know I must leave here but I have nowhere to go.......Basically I live my life as a single parent already. Trying to foresee any possible problem that might come about. Even so I cannot always predict things like school being let out early or one of the kids being sick. Then I have to ask him to help. No, his family wont lift a finger even for the kids. Even though they have seen his rage. They see it as being my problem. They cant admit to anything because they would have to admit to their part in creating him. The stress is already wearing me down. Panic attacks are coming again.....As long as I'm here with him he will always have some control over my well being. I Never let him see that anymore but I'm afraid I will lose my job Vie been at for 22yrs. Should that happen I would be worse off than before. I feel like I'm in a desert on a dying horse .....too far in to turn around and not sure if there is enough horse left to get out.......

China 4/2/01

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 03, 2001

S1

Is there a difference between someone ( a boyfriend) saying, for instance, "your acting like a f&*%^n bitch!" He says there is a difference. It still hurts the same as him saying I am.Am I wrong?

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 04, 2001

S1

I don't know where to begin, all I know is that even though I've walked away, I'm just starting to recover from the abuse and it's not easy. Over a year ago my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me, it was upsetting, he always told me he loved me. But I moved on. A month later I went on a cruise to the Caribbean with my sister and friends. I had lost about 50lbs so I was very confident in myself. The second night I met this wonderful prince charming, he literally swept me off my feet. He felt the same way about me. Towards the end of the trip, we spent an evening crying because we were both so in love with one another, we felt we were destined to meet and be together. A week later he packed his bags and took a 17 hour bus ride from Canada to Connecticut. Of course he didn't have a working visa so I was supporting both of us for awhile. In May we decided that we needed to move somewhere that had more job opportunities for him, so we headed to New Jersey. I got a job that paid a lot more and he also found a job paying under the table. However, I had to give up my wonderful dog and cats who made my life complete, I loved those animals with all my heart. I should have know right then in there, when he didn't show any compassion about those animals, that he was heartless besides the fact that he use to hit my dog. I let him, how stupid could I have been. Well like every relationship we had our ups and downs. He asked me to marry him on June 19th, flew a banner overhead at a red sox game, my parents were there to attend it. It was the best day of my life, at least that's what I thought at the time. Then things started to change, I was told what I could drink and eat. I was told I had to make dinner and it should be ready when he got home. When he would leave the butter out it was a test to see if I would put it away. The nights he came home drunk, he was unbearable, all over me like I was some whore he paid by the hour. The nights we went out and he drank, I was so embarrassed. He swore in front of my parents, friends and relatives, and I'm not talking the every day use of the word shit. He used the F*** word constantly. He took me away from my friends, didn't like any of them and I had so many and they didn't like him. They said they could see through him. Boy should I have listened and gotten upset when he grabbed my friend in the chest or he checked out my friend right in front of me. Well, I guess I just ignored it all, I was always wrong, I was always the problem. I couldn't stand up for myself, I always cried, he told me to get strong. He hated questions, he hated when I didn't feel he loved me. He cheated on me. About 3 weeks after our engagement party, I found e-mails to another woman and from another woman. he said he didn't know her, but I wrote to her and she said her and Peter were just friends. Come to find out now, that he told her we were roommates. So I followed my gut after a week of mental abuse when I didn't believe he didn't cheat and I left him. Packed up my life, it was the happiest day for my family and friends. They never liked him, they tolerated him. Its very sad how we can trust in someone so much and be let down. About a month after our breakup, he called me. We started seeing one another again, yes, I was stupid, but my heart still loved him. He convinced me he didn't cheat and I convinced myself. But he turned it around on me telling me after the things I did and the not believing him that he didn't want me back right away, he wanted to date. There we go again, it's my fault. So I felt guilty, I bought him things. I drove 4 hours to see him on the weekends, I treated him like a king and like a fool, I gave myself to him again. But I never fully trusted him, I always questioned everything. We were scheduled to go to Jamaica at the end of Feb and the night before he told me he was seeing someone but he still wanted to go away. At this point, I paid for him to fly to Boston, lent him tons of money and put the money out for him for the trip. Another idiot move on my part. Things just turned upside down, he grabbed me, shoved me, called me a C*** several times. He told me I was nuts, psychotic and was in serious need of help and the sad thing is, I believed him. I was so obsessed, I felt so victimized and used. I felt like a whore. I had almost given up on my life. I wish I could tell him now that I use to listen to his voicemail and read his e-mail cause I didn't trust him. I must have caught him in about 20 lies in 3 months, but I brushed them aside, I ignored them. Now I'm paying for everything. I had bought him a brand new 30K truck that I have to sell and bills that I have to pay. He hurt me so much, I was so good to him. I will never give my heart to anybody again like I did to him. Now I have a restraining order against him and he has one against me. I was going to take him to court for all the money and stuff he owes me, but my heart cant do it. I emotionally can't handle seeing him so I have to let it go. I've joined a support group for abused woman and I'm seeing a therapist. Some days I just wished he had beaten me up, cause the scars would have gone away. The scars I have from the emotional abuse aren't healing very easily. I hope if you read this and you are in a situation like mine, that you will get out. If you would like to contact me, I can be reached at marvolpe@hotmail.com....He drove me into this and drove me to do these obsessive things.....Don't let it happen to you. Someday I'll write a book about it and sign a copy and have it delivered to him,

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 05, 2001

S1

I also have a story to tell. I am currently experiencing post traumatic stress disorder< from the actions of this extremely abusive scary mentally ill man. Bi polar man. A verbal, emotional, physiologically abusive man. He was in his words "the only man who would ever love me...a.k.a.-no one would ever have you other than me. He wouldn't take no for an answer when I told him at least 100 times that I was not attracted to him and never would be. So he decided he would PRETEND to be a friend, a manipulative way to gather information for future victimization purposes. I have been lied to, stolen from, vandalized, almost raped, by this wacko, along with verbal abuse, stalking, isolating me from my friends by his bad mouthing me, stalked me into my codependent support group (which I had to leave), which of course by the way, everyone thought he was so nice and helpful. Fully recovered from his supposed sudden onset of codependency in a matter of 4 weeks. Now folks, you tell me, Is that the fastest recovery you've ever heard of from codependency?? But he still sticks around to make sure he can gather as much info on me as possible. I pray everyday, God, deliver me from evil. Oh, and lets not forget, emotional battering, brainwashing, etc. I started feeling like I was bad and he was good. What a surprise?? Ya think. Now he's got new victims in Coda. Vampires always go where there is Blood. What better place to find it then a codependent group. Men who can't let go look for women who can't say no. And those rooms are full of people who can't say no. I hate to say this but I hope he feeds off of someone else and never comes near me again. God be willing. I know what the signs are now and wont ever make these mistakes again. Good luck to you all and God bless

Ginger

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 09, 2001

S1

He seemed very charming in the beginning. Smart, easy going, funny. That didn't last long. The first red flag was that he'd known all about me six months before he met me. He'd heard I was a mountain biker, so he bought a bike and learned how to ride. When he decided he knew enough he agreed to meet me. I wasn't sure if that was romantic or desperate. We started out as buddies, just going for rides. One night I invited him out with a bunch of my friends. Two of my guy friends came in and I gave them a hug because I hadn't seen them in a few months. John was furious. He stopped speaking to everyone at the table and went and sat by himself. One of my friends went over to ask him what was wrong and John told him to go away. I went over and after about ten minutes he finally told me that he liked me and was jealous of my guy friends. He wanted something more than friendship. We agreed to give dating a try and when we said goodnight he told me that he would miss me. It just seemed like a bit much when you don't know someone very well. Not obsessive, just needy. Things were really rushed after that. He came on very, very strong. There were things that were bugging me about him, but I didn't know if they were a big deal or not. Like the time his dog ran away and he spent about twenty minutes looking for her and then gave up. No calls to the vet or Humane Society, no notices in the paper, nothing. To him, she was just gone. He told me this six weeks after he lost her, but since I'd never met her I asked what she looked like and then I kept an eye out for dogs that looked like her. It also bothered me that he could talk for thirty minutes straight and then when I said something he yawned violently until I finished. He also stared. Unblinking. It was as if he was trying to bore a hole through my forehead. It didn't matter what we were doing, he would just stare at me. While he was driving he would poke my leg or ribs, just to get me to look at him. I'd say, "What?" and he'd tell me that he just wanted to look at my face. One night we were having what seemed like an innocent conversation and he stopped and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I didn't know what he was talking about, but somehow, someway, we became engaged. I think we were just talking about the kinds of houses we liked and where we wanted to live and suddenly we were engaged. I was fine with it, but I think that's when I started to question what we'd agreed to. Since we talked about getting married the following year, I felt I had plenty of time to get to know him and decided if it was really going to work. He called his entire family the next day and told them. Then the cards and gifts started coming in and with each one I felt like a nail was being driven into my coffin. It was all just too fast. We'd only known each other for two months. I kept telling myself that things would work out. After we decided to get married he seemed to…relax I guess you could call it. First, he let himself go physically. Stopped working out, smoked more than ever, drank, ate crackers and candy bars as meals, drank pots of coffee, wore his grungy clothes. His grammar and table manners deteriorated. He became disgustingly crude. One of his coworkers said something and he thought he just had to share it with me. He said, "The best time to take a woman is first thing in the morning when she's full of hot piss." Gosh…how romantic. I couldn't say anything without it becoming something sexual to him. I sat down one night and asked him all about his job and learned a lot about what he did. He said he didn't really want to know about mine because he wouldn't understand it anyway. He was spending most of his time at my house, yet contributing nothing. I had a job, cleaned the house, paid the bills and bought the groceries. He sat around the house and ate the groceries. Then he started in on me. I was stupid because I didn't do things the way he did them. Anything I could do he could do better. That didn't just go for me, that applied to everyone he knew. No one was as good as he was. At the same time, he seemed incredibly insecure. He said he didn't feel like he was in control and he desperately needed to be in control. Sometimes he seemed like he was losing all sanity. Things that would just irritate most people, set him off for hours on a rant. He yelled, threw things, hit things. He would say mean things and then tell me that I'd lost my sense of humor, or that he didn't mean anything by it and I was too sensitive. Sometimes he'd just babble. The sentences themselves made sense, but the sentences didn't go with each other. And, sometimes he'd say them in a singsong voice. I wondered if he used drugs because of this and because his pupils were constantly dilated, even under bright light. He was also extremely jealous. He was convinced every man was staring at me and wanted me and he would become really angry thinking about it. There was a time we were waiting at a light and he was furious because he was sure two guys in another car were staring at me. He called them all kinds of names and pounded on the steering wheel. Those two guys were probably staring at the freak behind the wheel. He also didn't want me to meet with my instructor for class. One of my classes was online and we'd meet the instructor every few weeks just to check in. John was sure something bad would happen. Then I found out I was pregnant. Well, that just seemed like an incentive to "seal the deal" and we were married two weeks later. He got drunk that night and was incredibly mean. It was a typical pattern. He'd get drunk, be rude and then want to have sex. He couldn't understand why this wasn't a turn on. Every now and then he'd say he didn't like the way he was and that he was embarrassed by his actions. He told me he wanted help. It was at those times that I thought things might actually work out. If he got help then everything would be okay. Admitting it is the first step, right? We tried couple's therapy and after two sessions with him my therapist told me that she felt that she knew him and he couldn't possibly have done the things that I said. She actually said she didn't believe me. She said that I was the one who was going to have to learn to adjust to him. Of course he was being his charming self to her and I wish I'd videotaped everything just to prove I wasn't imagining his bizarre behavior. That was the end of therapy. I felt in my heart that relationships aren't supposed to be like this. At best, his behavior was disturbing. At worst, it was frightening. I thought that if he ever did hit me that it was over. Then I thought, why does it have to go that far for it to be too bad to stay? I told him that he had a choice to make. Get help and I'd support him 100%. Otherwise, I couldn't live with him like this anymore. We're getting a divorce. I realized that since we're going to have a child together that this man will be in my life forever and I was going to have to learn to deal with it. I found this website and am currently reading The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse. I wept with relief when I started reading the book and realized I wasn't going crazy and that there are people out there just like me and that there are therapists who understand this stuff. I hope and pray he'll get help before our baby is born, but if not, I'll just keep an eye on the situation to make sure none of this is transferred to our child.

Amy

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 11, 2001

S1

I am a 25 year old married mother of 3. My husband has a really unusual way of thinking, i.e.; if I take a little longer at the store (who have I been screwing) or ask him for help taking out the garbage (I don't have to till I want to) It's really getting to the point where I just don't know what to do. In the past he has physically hurt me. One time when I was pregnant, he got drunk and we got into an argument. We were sitting on the bed and he pushed me off sending me flying backwards. As I feel backwards, my foot caught his shoulder. He called the police, told them I assaulted him, and I went to jail. He is a kung fu expert and it hurts pretty bad if he hits. He has given me black eyes, thrown me into a wall splitting my shoulder, punched me in the stomach, and calls me horrible names. I have never called the police on him because of the time they put me in jail for being erratic. I just had gotten thrown to the ground and kicked but I accidentally hit his shoulder as I fell, and because I was crying and emotional it made me look bad. He hasn't hurt me physically in 1 1/2 years and says I need to forget about it. I can't though cause if we argue he intimidates me by getting in my face and telling me he wants to "beat me down" or "kill me" He spent 6 months in jail for assault for beating a guy up really bad before I met him. I didn't find out till a few months too late in the relationship. He makes me feel like I am crazy, and makes me doubt myself. He would say I deserved what I got and he would have never done that if I wouldn't have said "that" or yelled "that" He makes me feel like it's my fault. I know I should leave, but he threatens me with "I have a Johnny Cochran attorney, and my family are millionaires, what do you have?" He says he'll take my baby, and he never takes care of her now. He doesn't feed or bathe her, dress her, or buy her clothes. He pays the children little attention and is always yelling at them to be quiet. He spends all his time playing video games. Like 12 hours a day, doesn't rarely go to work, sleeps all day, doesn't help with children, or housework. As I write this I really wonder why the hell have I stayed so long??? If someone has ever been in my position or have any advise I could really use it. My E mail is theprincesssl@hotmail.com Thank You, Jaded

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 12, 2001

S1

We started dating as any "normal" couple, except I make more money than my husband, and very early on he asked me to pay for things (in a way that suggested I wouldn't have unless he asked). I keep animals, to which he is allergic, and he said I should promise when they die "not to replace them". It became a difficult issue as I said I couldn't "get rid of them". He agreed to go for allergy shots, but said he was "keeping score of what he was doing for me for later" in a joking way. Little did I realize.... We would go on trips and he really suffers from road rage - I should have dropped him then, but love is blind.... We went on one trip together (one he really wanted). Turned out all men except me. I really "clicked" with one of the trip leaders (married) who was just an outgoing fun individual and we talked a lot. My fiancée was hurt and sulked, and accused me of not wanting sex with him (in a tent in a campsite full of men ??) We fought. I gave him the ring back. Cried a bucket. We made up. We married (in a location he chose). We split the costs equally although I organized everything "its the woman's job". I always used to ask why he divided tasks up by gender. Seemed we should do it by liking or capability or take turns.

Well, to make a long story short, I am not terribly "domestic". I am a senior executive and work long hours. His ex had always cooked - he expected it from me. I suggested we take turns, or help each other. He never said anything but was clearly unhappy. I do have difficulty in addressing emotional behaviour - I thought it was his responsibility to tell me he was unhappy, not mine to drag it out. Then he would say I didn't love him - people who love each other "do things for each other". He wanted me to "show more love". I thought I was being affectionate - I didn't get it - I would put my arms around him in bed, only to have him turn away. I took a trip away (which I had planned a year before). He tried to make me feel bad about leaving him. He succeeded. He didn't want to do the trip with me - I had to call him every few days at great expense (but I could afford it, remember?) When I got back he told me he had a couple of his own trips planned by himself. I had recently lost my job and got a big severance. He wanted me to stay home and live off the money and not go back to work. I found a job I liked about 50 miles away - I commuted for 2 hours each way to work by train. We tried to discuss moving closer to my work but every solution was no good (too far for him, too expensive, not good timing due to child support from his ex, not good because his job wasn't working out well and he was looking too) I was exhausted all the time and we were alternately fighting, silent, then talking and yelling and ending up in bed. Both stressed out. Both angry and frustrated. Every time I tried to put my feelings across he would just say how much more angry he was. He drank quite a bit at this time, and brought marijuana home from one of his trips "even though he knew I wouldn't like it". He said his friends thought there was nothing wrong with him just that he "smolders inside". He even said the cat liked him more than me. We talked about counseling at his suggestion, but I got mad when he said "its the woman's job to set it up". It seemed like lack of ownership. So I found a "pad" close to my new work, intending to stay there in the week and see him at his place on the weekend. It felt so good on my own again, I just decided it was better that way. We got on great for while. Now he wants to move out of state but wants the ring back "because he's still paying for it". I said it was his problem not mine. He threatened me with a report to the INS (I don't have my Green Card ) if I didn't give the ring back. Then said he wanted to bring some of my things to my place when a friend of his was in town. Frankly I think he just wanted support to bully me into giving the ring back.

Just some other examples :- 1. We would agree on things - then he would seem to change his mind and berate me after the fact for doing what we agreed. 2. When I moved in with him he didn't want to help - said he hated moving and traffic to drive to my place. One time he came to help but with really bad grace ( and a bottle of beer in the car). He tossed my things around with no respect. I had to ask him to please be careful. He was pretty sulky. 3. His place was far from the city, as well as my old friends and clubs. We just had each other. We should have worked harder on outside interests. 4. He didn't budget and managing bills always got confrontational. 5. He would accuse me of things I can only imagine his ex-wife or mother used to do which I never did (guilty till proven innocent) I would try and say it wasn't true and he'd get angry. 6. He would complain all the time about having no disposable income, yet was always ordering things from sports stores on the web for himself. Yet I was berated for not doing things for him (I suppose he meant financially). Also he said "a wife would be at home to sign UPS packages". 7. I tried to set up tasks we could do together - like doing the shopping. If I was paying, he'd buy all kinds of stuff on sale and load up the cart with unnecessary items. Or when we checked out, throw something in like candy he had been "hiding". (he is 48yrs old) 8. He would make a point in public of asking me to pay for his beer. 9. One time I shook him awake to go somewhere - he literally sulked for a whole day because I woke him. 10. I tickled his feet affectionately as a joke - he got mad.

I can't say by any means that I am perfect, but we were unable to communicate without blaming each other, or getting defensive, and I found myself starting to respond in just the same way as he might. We couldn't set personal boundaries. I feel much better alone - its a relief. Thanks for listening. I'm sure this is all a jumble. I never viewed this all as abuse - just as living with an insecure, shy man who was troubled, and had abused drugs, who had a hard time being successful in his life, but was unable to take ownership. I realized later I was being changed by him to a self I didn't like. I'm working on getting it fixed.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 14, 2001

S1

Have been reading this site for some time now. Actually found it when I was helping a dear friend to realize that she was being verbally and emotionally abused by her boyfriend. I had noticed the cycles, the patterns and her rationalization of the things he said and did. HOW? Because I have been there - twice. I have just ended a long term relationship with a person I thought was perfect for me. This person gave me much needed physical touching i.e., hand-holding, hugging, playing with my hair, kissing me, sitting next to me, touching my leg as we sat, putting his arm around me..the physical affection was severely lacking in my 25 years marriage from the first day. This person also was always available for me and "appeared" like my soul mate that first year. Notice I said, "appeared". Now that I am out of the relationship which was very difficult to leave and finally end it because of my insecurities and fear that he re-established in my being - I can see quite clearly the verbal abusive pattern, the covert abuse and the narcissistic tendency. And I did EXACTLY what I had done in my marriage with this second person. (I don't have any dating experience as I was only with my husband before this person appeared on the scene). I tried to please him when he was upset, I tried talking to him to rationalize and ask why he did the things he did - and his answers were always "the way I see it or this is how I see it and you won't change me", I took care of him (ahhh duhhh co-dependency showing up again), I tried to make him smile (he only smiled when he told a joke or was flirting), I tried to tell him how hurt I was my some of things he did or said (he brushed EVERYTHING off with the "I was only kidding" routine - THIS IS SUCH A BIG RED FLAG). I as stunned to hear how "I don't spend any time with him" Yet we were together almost everyday - only to learn later that he met time with him alone (having sex time) which there was plenty of - but to him - never enough and I was never available when he wanted to have sex (which was such a lie - another red warning flag), he would tell me he's "working" only for me to find receipts in the car of other places he went instead of work (red flag) - He was more than willing and able to help my family and friends out when asked - but would complain to me that he "doesn't have a life" as I put off us getting married (gee...for good reasons I think), He yelled and screamed at me when his car got towed away for fake tags and that I didn't answer his 9-1-1 page quick enough; yelled and screamed at me for answering my pages (I'm on-call 24/7 and get paid to be on call so I must answer my pages); yelled and screamed at me for using my cell phone "attach it to your ear" he would say; yelled and screamed at me for dancing with a person I've know for 10 years - one dance - and LEFT the place we were at - walking to his house - then called me and demanded that I give him a ride home; yelled and screamed at me for not calling him quick enough on several occasions; checked up on me at work (I had warned people that he may do this and got my hands on "stalking laws"), would follow me to the movies and take pictures of my car in the parking lot, would page me (I knew it was him by the pattern - remember there is ALWAYS a pattern) yelling me to $#!$#; Told me in front of friends to "F__K You" which I find absolutely disrespectful to me as well as him; Makes sarcastic remarks when tired; left me in a campground when he got angry at friends and took off for 1/2 day to go get calmed down but unbeknownst to any of us - took off in the boat so none of us could fish; told my son to "shut the F__K up" which surprised everyone as he never spoke to my son that way; although he made me feel bad about not inviting him to go with me to do things with myself or family and would use the guilt by association tactic; he never ever thought about inviting me to go with him if one of his friends bailed out. He would suddenly be going to the movies with his sisters when they would suddenly show up at the door and he knew I had plans to do other things and would ask at the last minute if I wanted to go. He would write out long letters to me regarding his accusations and then call my voice mail or message machine and read what he wrote. He assumed I was sleeping with everyone and anyone and that anytime I didn't spend with him needed to be accounted for and he would befriend my closest family members and friends and starting questioning through e-mail (ain't the computers grand folks) where I've been or who I've been with. He would "listen" to the conversation and assume his own version of what happened. I was in a constant state of defending myself and feeling 1/2 crazy most of the time. I noticed that he never called his 7 year old nephew by name just "little asshole" and I told him to stop - that children become what they are called - and he let me know that this is exactly what this kid is to him ---ok -- so he said this minutes before the nephews first communion at church. I noticed that I was getting more and more "accountable" for everything that went wrong or didn't happen...yet when he overslept, didn't feel well, was late, caught following me, caught doing other things that I was to "see it his way as he KNOWS what every guy wants". And yet audience, I kept forgiving and trying to forget because he was sooo affectionate and caring but there are too many red flags in the course of this relationship. Not many things came out at one time...it took time...and after we became an exclusive couple...that's when I started noticing he would do and say things that didn't make sense...that I would approach him on ,,,only to find out that he had talked to our friends and tried to present me as the one full of insecurity, etc etc etc. I am thankful that I never allowed this man to move in with me, that I hung on to My God and Savior (which he wanted me to give up going to church, would argue religion with me, say he didn't believe in prayer etc ) and I realized that I won't change what I will tolerate. How did the break-up go? well,,,,there were multiple periods where we didn't talk to each other (there was never any physical violence ever) just mental and verbal. And he was very very good at leaving e-mails that would wound the soul and heart of a person as he truly knew which buttons to push. His lack of talking to me was my "punishment" and that I "would come running back". After awhile I was thankful when he wouldn't talk to me and noticed that the pressure in my chest would go away as well. I realized that I had the right to NOT ALLOW HIM to cross MY BOUNDARIES OF ACCEPTANCE AND TOLERANCE. Bigger than anything though...I realized that I was repeating the very pattern that I had broken out of in my 25 year marriage. This character had the exact same personality as my husband with a slight twist - this character was very covert in his abuse while my husband used passive-negative aggression and the "my-way or the highway" routine. I finally had it after yet another phone call - late at night - telling me what he thought of my children. I have lived that life with my husband and realized that I was repeating what I had experienced growing up with my parents and I wanted better for my kids. Believe me, the kids were relieved and feel much better about themselves and are stress-free. The red-flags were easy to recognize - however, stopping the behavior that I had broken free of wasn't. AND I SOOOO WANTED IT TO WORK - I WANTED THAT WONDERFUL PERSON WHO CARED FOR ME. Now that I'm into my second month without that "person" I find that I miss him, rather I miss the familiar routine, I call my closest friend who has also been there and done that...and we laugh and cry together. There was a time when I thought I would never laugh again...but God is good....and once I learned that the fear of leaving is worse than the actual leaving....and once I let go of the "stress" in my life....my job has gotten better...my focus is better...my relationships with people I care about is better...my kids ARE DEFINITELY BETTER...and I read this site and can recognize so many of the fears and questions and doubts that people have put forth and thank God for the support these people have shown to others in that "if you trust your gut instinct" you will know what to do. There's a saying that I've picked up on and I say it over and over - especially when moving through circumstance that I don't deserve, didn't ask for, didn't cause and refuse to play the blame-game...that is......reach for that better life....quitting is NOT an option....IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO QUIT. I look at this letter and know that I would never have written or sought help even as early as five years ago. I'm amazed at the person I've become by getting out and letting go of the person(s) lol I thought I couldn't live without and who had convinced of that very thing.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 14, 2001

S1

My sister is married to a sociopath. Before I get into the story you have to know that my sister has always been a perfect angel. She's 3 years older than me. In high school she was on the honor role always, she attended church every Sunday and loved it, she was heavily involved with school, her job and other activities in college. She was skinny, tan. athletic, and loved art, and dancing, and was very active. After she got with the sociopath, she gained 100lbs in less than a year, she lost all interest for the things she used to love, she started lying to defend him, she quit her job, and dropped out of school and church. So here goes the story. When they were dating, he stole her credit cards and maxed them out, got arrested in Nevada for driving on a DUI, she paid his bail, then he lied about his age because he was 18 and she was 22, then he said he was a professional baseball player for the CA Angels, then he told our family about the wealthy family he has and all the wonderful things he was going to do for my sister and our family,( which was a lie), then he stole lots of things from our family, medications and money, he showed us his bank account receipts for $60,000 and yet he doesn't work, I found a court notice in his car for shop lifting charges, he denied it, finally we knocked some sense into my sister and we had to get the police involved in order to break them up. I went away for the summer and when I came back, he had gotten her pregnant and they eloped. But of course they lied about it forever until they had to tell us. In the meantime my husband stayed with them for a few weeks until he could move into another place( before we were married) and then he wrote a check for rent to my sister's husband, He wrote over the amount for $20 and then tried to cash it and our bank wouldn't do it because they could tell. So they called my husband and told him about it. My husband confronted our brother in law and he denied it and made my sister hate us. My sister then found a porno in her apartment so I called Blockbuster and they said her husband had rented it late one night. Well my sister didn't want to believe it and when I confronted her husband he denied it and said I made it up. Well now they've had the baby and neither of them work but he still buys tons of stuff, and lives like he's very rich. He's never worked so we wonder where his money comes from. He lies about working and says he has a job for omni serve wireless and they pay him to travel all over the country to set up stores. Our friend used to work for them and he knows the owners and called them up and they've never heard of my brother in law before. Every week he has a different car and they're usually brand new mustangs, then suddenly they diaper and we ask him about it and he says he traded it in for another one. We don't know if he's stealing cars or gets a new one every week because he can't afford the one before or if it's just an ego thing. He's constantly out to get everyone in our family upset. Last week my dad gave my sister a card with $25 in it for her birthday and he stole the money before she could open the card. We have all the evidence to back it up. He denies it and says that my dad I a jerk for not giving her any money for her birthday and that our family is trying to set him up to make her hate him. We have better things to do. He always brain washes her tries to turn her against the family so she will hate us and only trust him. All he does is lie to her, He uses her good credit to buy him all of his toys, and uses her name on all of his loans, and he even has an alias name he uses. We finally called the police again to investigate because something is wrong. But we want to keep in touch wither and my mom would love to be a grandma to the baby but he tries to keep our family away as much as possible by moving, getting a new phone number or lying. We are all fed up and running out of hope. We don't know how to deal with this. we've tried our best. My mom is ready to go to her grave, and everyone just wants to kill her husband. Is there any hope.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 14, 2001

S1

I forgot to add some essential things to my story above. My sister's husband has other compulsive disorders. He's over weight, and has to change his outfit 3-5 times a day. He's also a neat freak. He is known for being wishy washy because he always changes his mind every second. He lies over the littlest things. He is really picky about everything even his food. Every thing has to be a certain way. When he talks to you he never gives any eye contact, and when he's in a large group of people he says nothing at all. They constantly eat out, at least 3 times a day. He's always worried about his appearance and ego, and my sister warned me that he is in competition with my husband over every little thing. My husband doesn't even care, but her husband thinks he does. Everything is a competition to him. My sister seems to live in her own little world. The scary thing is, if he gets caught for anything illegal he could be doing, she will go to jail too, because she never tells anyone. His stories always change and if you make plans with them, he'll call you up 5 times within an hour before you are supposed to go out, and with each phone call he'll change his mind about something. He also has a criminal record, big time and he is only 19.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 02, 2001

S1

Vie been with John for 5 years. I thought he was a great guy and that there was hope. He has always lived at home. He is not 'allowed' to have guests at his home. He is 41. He visits me twice a week, stays over one night and has to leave to take his mother for a coffee. Ever since his father died unexpectedly he does everything for her and she doesn't drive. He will not socialize with me, celebrate holidays, give gifts, have a desire to know my wonderful son, talk about the future, travel, or tell me he loves me. We cannot go out to dinner on the two nights he comes over, and lunch on Sun has to be at one of 3 designated pizza places and I have to pay for my wine. He gives me bizarre controlling suggestions on how to do things I have been successfully doing for 40 years. He decides what the cat will eat. When I make demands, he says." If you're not happy then maybe I shouldn't come over'. I made demands a month ago and he dumped me. Said he never loved me and 'didn't have it anymore for me'. After acting like a pathetic idiot, he decided to come over again. He totally FORGOT he ever said those things. He acts like it NEVER HAPPENED. I was so depressed, that I gained 10 pounds and was wearing rags. I didn't even want to drive to the store. For my own abandonment issues I like the companionship but my goal to now dump him. I truly hope with the help of this site, Evans book, and my therapists and friends, that I can, and have a nice summer.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 04, 2001

S1

I was involved in an emotionally unstable relationship about a year ago and just recently allowed myself to fall for the same guy. What a mistake. He's always perfect for the first two months and then he starts to manipulate and go after his wants at the sake of mine.

Last time I waited for him to come around. I cared more about how he perceived me than how I perceived myself. I lost all sense of self and took on his opinions and values. I let him make me feel like I was unlovable and that all men were evil, just to keep me tied to him. I did anything possible in the name of love, until he spit in my face. All because I had voiced the forbidden truth.

He is wonderful to strangers, behind closed doors he is a different person. He knew my weaknesses and targeted them, to make me feel guilty and confused. I began to question myself. He made me feel like my own feelings weren't okay to have. That is the absolute worse feeling in the world. I actually believed that it wasn't okay to be me.

He would tell others how wonderful I was, praise me in my absence. He would never let me feel like I had admirable qualities. He used me sexually to fulfill his own selfish wants, and degraded me in the process. He never cared about what I wanted sexually. He made me feel like a whore. I just longed to feel close to him.

After we parted, I felt angry lost and confused. I felt like I had been stupid and naive, and like I needed to protect myself. That all men were like him. I wouldn't express my feelings to men and this kept them all at a distance. I then began to heal. I began to feel okay to be me again. It was a wonderful feeling to feel like for once I had nothing to prove to anyone. My self confidence was building. I began dating again and finished my education. I moved and started my masters program. I felt really alive.

But...I was still lonely. He could really get inside me like no other. We ran into each other and he was set on a mission to win me back, to prove his love for me. I was protecting myself, this time I wouldn't be had. Part of me didn't believe him, yet part of me was curious. I dropped the nice guy I was dating two weeks later, and was loving the attention and all his adoration. Wow, he had finally seen the light. He really does love me. He was going back to counseling. I felt really special. Not for long. Pretty soon, he pulled back intimately and began demanding. He told me that I should be more understanding of his problems. My walls went up and I started to be careful. He told me the relationship was going sour because I had issues, I was ruining it. I had problems...I began to question myself again. I know that I don't, I know that he is manipulating to make himself look good, I know that I'm not an abuser. But now I need to make myself believe what I know to be true. I tell myself I will never question my instincts again. The only person you can rely on is yourself.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, May 07, 2001

S1

To Stephen Heidt and everyone that needs a pick me up, This story is not about me but more about a guy that I know who I admire every day. Stephen Heidt was a guy that I went to school with in high school. Every girl wanted to be with him and all the guys wanted to be like him. He was a kind a compassionate guy. Stephen was the captain of the soccer team and one of the best players in the state if not the country. In his junior year one of his close friends killed himself and Stephen became very depressed. He started hanging around all these new people that used drugs. He was still popular however a little but after that he hurt his back pretty badly and was not able to play soccer anymore. His girlfriend left him, everyone stopped talking to him, and he was admitted into a program. He lost everything that he thought that he loved. Stephen was playing pro soccer and colleges were looking at him for scholarships. When we all graduated we never saw him again. This month I saw him in a mall. I never said anything (I was too shy to just run up and my friends said that it might not be him) but he was happy and had a very pretty women by his side. I looked him up on a high school web page and it turns out that he is married and works as an educational consultant for a large company. Stephen showed a lot of us that dreams don't always work out the way you plan and that no matter what happens you should keep your head up high. I don't know if anyone has ever told him how special he is, but this is my way of doing that. I hope that he knows one day that he changed all of our live that watch him here in the Queen City. If anyone else knows Stephen Heidt and had the experience that me and all my friends had please post your story on a web page. Stephen needs to knows that Bacon High loves him.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, May 07, 2001

S1

To Stephen Heidt and everyone that needs a pick me up, This story is not about me but more about a guy that I know who I admire every day. Stephen Heidt was a guy that I went to school with in high school. Every girl wanted to be with him and all the guys wanted to be like him. He was a kind a compassionate guy. Stephen was the captain of the soccer team and one of the best players in the state if not the country. In his junior year one of his close friends killed himself and Stephen became very depressed. He started hanging around all these new people that used drugs. He was still popular however a little but after that he hurt his back pretty badly and was not able to play soccer anymore. His girlfriend left him, everyone stopped talking to him, and he was admitted into a program. He lost everything that he thought that he loved. Stephen was playing pro soccer and colleges were looking at him for scholarships. When we all graduated we never saw him again. This month I saw him in a mall. I never said anything (I was too shy to just run up and my friends said that it might not be him) but he was happy and had a very pretty women by his side. I looked him up on a high school web page and it turns out that he is married and works as an educational consultant for a large company. Stephen showed a lot of us that dreams don't always work out the way you plan and that no matter what happens you should keep your head up high. I don't know if anyone has ever told him how special he is, but this is my way of doing that. I hope that he knows one day that he changed all of our live that watch him here in the Queen City. If anyone else knows Stephen Heidt and had the experience that me and all my friends had please post your story on a web page. Stephen needs to knows that Bacon High loves him. Sometimes verbal abuse is silent.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, May 10, 2001

S1

I’ve been considering writing my story but have been unsure where to start. I met my husband when I was home on college break in 1987. He was everything I had hoped for. He was a committed Christian, good looking, older than me, independent and even wore cowboy boots. I was home for two weeks on break. We spent quite a bit of time together. When I went back to college, the long distance relationship began. There were "red flags" all over the place at the time, but I didn’t know it …or chose to ignore them. Anyway, we would talk for hours on the phone. If he called me and I was not home he would ask "20 questions" about where had I been, who was I with, etc. I thought he was showing me how much he cared. I now know that it was plain and simple control. We met in December, were engaged in March, and married in August.

Here I am now, twelve years and three children later still married. I am the perpetual optimist. The control began in such subtle ways. Now I look back and I shake my head because the signs were so obvious. I even had gut feelings a few weeks before the wedding that I should call things off. After we were married about a week or two my mom came over with my wedding dress (she had it cleaned and boxed) and in tears said "what have we let you do?" I played ignorant and said I was fine. In the first two years of our marriage I had plates thrown at me, was literally kicked out of bed on more than one occasion, had the spark plugs removed from my car so I couldn’t leave the apartment, and more "lectures" than I can count. I thought I don’t have bruises or broken bones, so what am I complaining about.

After almost two years, I left my husband and insisted he get counseling. He agreed to the counseling. We went to a weekend long session in Indiana. On the way there he slammed my head into the car window and chewed me out almost the entire trip. We got there and went through a very intense time with three other couples. It seemed we were on out way to recovery. However, soon after we arrived home it was all my problem and my family needed family therapy.

Skipping ahead a few years. We now have three children. I suppose in my optimism, I thought children would be the solution to our unhappiness. I know I thought at least they will love me. (How warped). Anyway, about a year ago my husband started belittling our 9 year old daughter. He would make her feel bad if she didn’t want to run errands with her. He continued to demean me in front of the kids. He would say things like, "don’t do stupid things like your mother". I went to the elders of our Church after reading two books (Women who try to hard-Dr. Kevin Lehman and another book by Paul Hegstrom Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them.) as a result, my husband and I met with the elders. They had some real good questions for us and I gave real honest answers. The honest answers really heated up the homestead for a while. I told my husband last April that if he ever touched me in anger again I would leave. Well, he got very angry with me the first part of May and grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me up against the counter. When he left the house very angry, I decided to follow through. He called home from work and told me to leave and I said I was planning on it. Previously when he would say leave, I would say "No, I am committed to this relationship". He freaked out on me and said he was going to come take the kids from me and I would forever regret doing this and so on and so on. I spent the day at a friends house that he would not expect. I moved in with my parents house. A few days later I went back to the house to get things with two other men from Church who were friends of my husbands. They were support for me. I am very grateful for the support of my Church. We continued to meet with the elders and then one of them would meet with my husband one on one. It was a long summer full of angry phone calls, unexpected visits, and many "lectures" about how I was ruining our children and wasn’t committed to the relationship. By the end of summer, I was seeing changes. We got back together the middle of August. We continued to meet for counseling with a lay pastor from our Church. Slowly the behavior has begun to return. We were meeting weekly with another couple from Church for accountability until they told my husband they felt we needed professional counseling. The couple and I both noticed that we (my husband and I) could not go more than two weeks without an "issue". I also started sharing with this couple some of the restrictions and expectations placed upon me. For example, I am expected to not spend more than $40 a week on groceries. I am hardly ever able to do this, so I "get in trouble" about money. I am also expected to keep the house incredibly clean, work in the yard, and have the children clean, fed, and behaving.

Now we have not met with anyone for two weeks. My husband said we can’t afford counseling. Even though he has gotten $2,000 bonuses for the last three months. He said I could go to counseling if I paid for it. I am back to feeling lost and alone. He is no longer directly involving our children, but the heat is on me. And I know the kids see this. I am not sure what I am going to do now. I am just trying to finish the school year. I am a teacher. I am living for the summer when I can take care of myself and spend time with my kids. Another factor that has come into play is that my best friend/confidant has moved to another country. I now feel isolated. I don’t know who to talk to.

I have read your site almost cover to cover. I see so many similarities in the information on narcissism in my husband it is frightening. Everything is about him. If the kids don’t get their hair brushed, they reflect bad on him. If I have gained weight, or don’t put on makeup, it is a bad reflection on him. If I don’t communicate accurately with other people, I cast a bad light on him. How long does recovery take? I suppose I should just take care of me and the children and let him do his thing and take his time. However, I am quite scared. I have left two other times and this is getting old, yet I don’t want to give up hope.

Sincerely,

Getting discouraged

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 11, 2001

S1

hello, well this is first time I am posting, have read the other stories, and also the intro to the site and the things I was experiencing with my husband was ringing true in the articles and the way he had a way of confusing me and making me repeat things over and over again, and the constant games. At first I was sad to feel it was not really an overwhelming sense of "love" he was feeling for me just "a matter of control". One time when we first got together he moved in with me but he never asked me could he he only said "I don't want to have to move back in with my mother", next thing I knew he was in. I felt a slight discomfort but I didn't make an issue we had been together less than three weeks. Him and his 2 year old son moved in. My son was almost 3 at the time. Just one big happy family. I later moved and he helped me move my stuff and again made no attempt to find a place of his own, and I didn't at the time press the issue, I liked him there. The first time I saw "It" was when he had to meet his ex-wife over the child custody, and he insisted that I go with him I said "WHOA" "I am in no way gonna sit there and have you two over me bantering"!!! Anyway the next thing he did was fume and fuss and argue the point I should want to be there for support!!! I told him flat out I don't want to be there and that this was totally unfair! He goes fine forget it!! Got up, and grabbed a bag, and started out the door, this was within a week of him moving into my new apartment, well I ran out after him, telling him "OK, OK, I'll go"!! of cores when I got there they both argued back and forth I was astonished, and then he sat at my table while she stood over me, pregnant. Finally we left and I asked him why did I have to be there for that??? He says " I just wanted to show her I could get someone else and look at what I got!! I didn't feel flattered but kinda used, without any kind of pride, I was exhausted and tired, totally unexercised, used. I will go back to the Controlling Behaviors at the beginning of the site, was what knocked me out, he says and does so many of those things, I was left feeling used, angry, hurt, confused, and full of hate. Especially the one on the list that said this is the most oppressing and most nerve writhing for me is when he says" That's not what you said or That's not what I said or That's not I said or That's not what you did or That's not what I did or That's not what happened". The conversations are exhausting I just feel tired after talking with him. I have to say that finally through all the reading of this site already like 2 days in a row it is becoming more clear, and it's not all about him, my expression of anger has got to be controlled, I realize now I just come off looking like some maniac, and it will spill over onto the kids. Yes he does the belittling, offensive jokes, and then saying" you're so serious I was just joking", but now I can see that this was his attempts to me to engage him, not anything nice maybe nice gets boring He takes it right to the edge and picks a fight, so we can scream, yell, and battle each other. I'm not in anyway strong right now. No matter from this point on at least I know I have to take responsibility for my own actions and be the very best me I can be. Crystal

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 12, 2001

S1

Hi, My name is Carmen. I am a victim, and an abuser, I think? I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. We have a "blended family". He comes from an abusive marriage. I am a widow who grew up with violent alcoholics. My boyfriend seems to think I am manipulative. Sometimes I think I am. But it gets very confusing. He gets annoyed with me and begins to belittle me. I in turn get ten times more hurtful with my words. I don't know how not to do that. I am currently on meds. Paxil, which helped for a little while. It is usually once a month (if you know what I mean). I thought it was PMDD. But the meds for that contain Prozac, which causes me to have severe rages. I have been to counseling, and they have told me not to stay with my boyfriend. Because of his verbal abuse. We in turn went to his counselor who gave him the same advice regarding me. We both realize our shortcomings, we just don't know how to change. We have been through allot together. We don't want to throw it away because we don't cope well with adversity. But our verbal abuse is getting out of hand. I am tired of being told that "He can find better than me", and all I do is sit around and eat chocolate all day. Between the two of us we have 4 children, we both have full time jobs. It has been very stressful. There is allot more to this story, but it would take days to tell you all of it. I think (hope) that we still have love there. We are trying our hardest to break this verbal cycle. But it sometimes gets sooo frustrating, we both want to give up!! He has nowhere to go if he leaves. I really don't want him to leave, but our kids don't need this kind of exposure. I know first hand what it can do to a child emotionally, and it is a very sickening feeling. I also do not want them to grow up thinking it is OK to be this way. If anyone out there has any input, HELP!! I am game for positive or negative feedback. I do not wish to be verbally abusive, or manipulative. But I am tired of being threatened. He threatens to kill me, to tie me up and take my kids. Or to cut me up in little pieces. I in turn threaten to leave his kids alone because if that's the way he is going to treat me I don't feel I should take care of his responsibilities. I feel that all the major responsibilities are left up to me. I pay 90% of our bills because he does not bring in half as much income. There is allot of resentment there. I also have resentment toward the kids, because he was very hateful to my oldest child, and kept telling me when I get my kid I'll be better. It has taken two years of having his little girl for him to finally be truly loving to my daughter. I feel he's only doing it because he lives in my house. I hate saying that because I want it to be our home. Don't get me wrong. I should not make all this out to be him, because it is not. I have my moments too. Well enough self pity, I was just hoping to maybe correspond or get feedback from someone in a similar situation, we love each other when things are good but hate each other when times get rough. If you are out there, whoever you are, please respond. I am new to this site. I hope I have not overstepped any boundaries as far as what we are allowed to post. If I have offended anyone, please feel free to let me know. Thanks for reading my story, and for all of you who are going thru similar or worse, I hope all ends well for you. And I hope we all find the answers to our prayers. God bless you all.

Confused Carmen 5/11/01

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, May 13, 2001

S1

I'm not sure where to start exactly, so I guess the beginning is as good a place as any. My parents hated each other. They were both alcoholics, and my dad beat my mom for pastime. When I was 11, they finally split up. My mom, who was 16 when they married, went off to reclaim her lost youth while I stayed with my grandparents.

I met my husband when I was 12. He was 17. We were intimate for the first time just after I turned 13 and he 18. He was awful to me when we were dating. I don't remember a lot of particulars, but I do remember crying ALLOT! He was jealous and possessive. I was pretty much convinced I could never get anyone else....so I married him when I was 18.

He's an officer in the Army, and we have two sons. Both of my sons have special-needs. The older one has Asperger's Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, AD/HD, ODD and a seizure disorder. The younger one was born with nephritic syndrome, and has recently been diagnosed with a seizure disorder. Both my husband and I have AD/HD and every one of us take medications.

A month and a half ago, my husband and I had a long discussion where I told him that I felt like he didn't trust me. He supervises and directs me like one of his privates at work. I'm not capable of making a decision. I believed he actually listened to me and that I got thru to him after 21 years of being together. I thought we'd finally turned a corner in our marriage. His main gripe with me (he has several, but this is the MOTHER) is that I talk to my friends about my life. He has told me since before we got married that I had no right to tell people anything about him. If he thought I had "betrayed" him to a friend, he hated that person for life and made it very difficult for me when I spent time with them.

I'm intelligent, (even though I stayed for over two decades with an abuser) and since my boys have the problems they have, I have become a research fiend! I use the computer for everything. I don't even own a dictionary.

That said, I was looking up "leukocytes" one afternoon on the net. I misspelled the word and had to go all the way back to the "l" in the search bar. I found uncleared searches for "little girls" and "little girls panties". I also found "animal sex", "gay sex", "baby girl panties"....well you get the picture.

I confronted him about it and he lied, lied, and lied some more. Each time his story would change, he'd get a little closer to the truth. But his final story was that those searches had been on our computer for over two years! He said they were the result of two afternoons searching when he was drunk. I was curled into a ball for two days, and he took advantage of the time, and did quite a bit of housecleaning.

I knew that he had done this. He likes little girls because he can control them. He didn't see the big deal, and told me I was blowing everything out of proportion--as usual. He had convinced me that I was the one with the problems. I'm lazy and can't clean right and I don't cook enough. I'm also OCD and Bipolar. Those are his words not mine. I've spent a lot of time in counseling over the past four years because of my older son. The funny thing is that all the counselors told me there was nothing wrong with me. They told me I'm a great mother and that I've gone over and above for my children. But I never felt ok. I felt so confused.

I also found out recently that two years ago, he propositioned a then 14-yr old babysitter who worked for us when he took her home one night. This man is a real monster! He was a predator in his teens and I'm just now seeing it. Anyway, I found out that searches don't live on a computer for that long. I run searches all the time, and some of mine weren't one there. So I turned him in to the Military Police.

This is where it gets hairy. His command is livid with me for not going thru them first. He's blocked me from our checking account, and is giving me very little to live on. We're ok, because we living in on-post housing. He's living with his Captain, who is just as nasty as he is. My husband has threatened to sue me for making false accusations, for custody of the boys.

I made the mistake of telling him during all this that I had had a brief affair over six years ago. I had carried the guilt all this time, and felt like the time had come to get rid of it. I did not do it to hurt him. I actually felt like I owed it to him or something. How sick is that? I finally woke up and realized just how sick he is when he started comparing what I did with a grown man to his looking at little girls. I believe in my heart that if I had let him come home that night, he would have put me in the hospital. Right now I'm very afraid of him.

I'm a 33 yr-old stay-at-home-mom of two special needs sons, and I'm starting over from scratch. I'm going from an Officer's Wife, to a Welfare Mom, I guess. I don't have our computer anymore because the police took it for the investigation. They didn't find anything--so they say. Apparently, those sites were for 18 year old girls. So I'm dead in the water on that one. But I know what I know, and I have to get my boys and myself away from him.

He's managed to isolate me from my support system here. He's even convinced the mental health agency who works with me and my sons to remove a staff member from my son's case because she was supporting me. He's such a bully, but I can't believe he can bully a mental health agency! He's also made it difficult for my friends here, and had blocked my long-distance service--until I had it turned back on and put a password on the account. Now he can't disconnect the phone without my consent.

I have been so sheltered all my life. He's seen to that. But I've gotten strong because of our sons. He hated that, but I had no choice. What kills me is that I know he's a predator and there's not a thing I can do about it. When he gets tired of playing with me and my friends, he'll move on to someone else.

I see my older son verbally abuse his little brother--and me--on a daily basis. My biggest goal is to find a way to help them get healthy. They don't know what normal is. Neither do I, for that matter. But I want to find out.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 15, 2001

S1

May 14, 2001

This is the first time I've ever written or even participated in a "chat" atmosphere. I'll try to be brief, but detailed as to what I am looking for. I am a single mother (divorced from first marriage of 12 years for 7 years) with a handsome 10 year old son (June 4th is his 11th Birthday). Almost 3 years ago I met Robert. After two months of dating him, we had our first "fight". I forgave him almost instantly after he destroyed items in my home. I almost instantly began supporting him, which I felt was alright because I felt I was fortunate that I had a descent career and that being kind to others was the right thing to do. Friends and family immediately had other thoughts about him. My closest family members and mother are very annoyed with me for tolerating him. My only sister does not speak to me, I had a "blow out" with my best cousin where I once cherished our relationship. I gave these special people up for Robert - and he never really thought twice about it. I can say he was probably happy knowing that I would be at home more - yes, waiting for him to show up and to see what mood he would be in. I could go on and on about horrible, violent events that my son witnessed. Robert says bad things about my son now (he's lazy, gay, going to be a loser like his dad, etc.).

This past weekend Robert planned a Las Vegas trip for Mother's Day (this was supposed to be a trip for me). Well, he purchased the airline tickets - after that all other expenses (5Star Hotel, meals, spending money, came from my ATM card). He then became a little too angry due to his ongoing alcohol intake. By Sunday midday, I told him I was going my own way. He never follows after me or is ever remorse. Well, he showed up hours later. That evening I was able to take a standby flight home. Well, I wasn't quick enough in leaving the hotel, he walked in as I was packing. He always threatens to bash my face in, break out all of my teeth (as he knows I am very picky about my teeth). Security came as I was leaving. Well, I haven't seen Robert since. He ongoingly leaves for 1-2 weeks at a time, he hasn't had one of those "vacations" in a few months. Robert is an ex-con. I do not feel I am any better than anyone and feel people can change - if they want to. He keeps a lot of secrets and doesn't share or open up about his thoughts, etc. His desire is to be a musician. He is in a band, but they don't even have gigs. He is a good musician, but that is like me saying I want to me a model or something that is more of a wonderful fantasy, not reality as far as making it.

I need help is finding out why I would tolerate him and want him back. When he does become violent with me (once breaking my nose in front of my son), I am angered with him and say I am rid of him. But after several hours or 1 day, I feel lonely and want him back. Today I've been paging him throughout and all I receive from him is nasty and cruel messages. He has said the meanest and disgusting things about me - whore, etc. Why would I want this? I would be so upset if any of my friends or family members had a husband or boyfriend like him. He thinks I am the problem. He also has stolen items from me and my son. Can anyone help me or guide me in not wanting to tolerate him. I miss him and wish he was here right now. When he is here I feel like Edith Bunker from the "All in the Family" sitcom.

Again, I was desperate tonight and am trying to think of anything to keep me from begging him to come home. I am sure he loves knowing that I am always home waiting for him. If it matters at all, I am not conceited, but feel very confident about my appearance and lifestyle with a good career path. Why would I lower my standards so much - I would never be able to bring Robert to any corporate function as he would not act appropriately. I look forward to hearing from anyone. I thank you in advance for your time and support.

Karen in San Leandro

,

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 15, 2001

S1

May 14, 2001

This is the first time I've ever written or even participated in a "chat" atmosphere. I'll try to be brief, but detailed as to what I am looking for. I am a single mother (divorced from first marriage of 12 years for 7 years) with a handsome 10 year old son (June 4th is his 11th Birthday). Almost 3 years ago I met Robert. After two months of dating him, we had our first "fight". I forgave him almost instantly after he destroyed items in my home. I almost instantly began supporting him, which I felt was alright because I felt I was fortunate that I had a descent career and that being kind to others was the right thing to do. Friends and family immediately had other thoughts about him. My closest family members and mother are very annoyed with me for tolerating him. My only sister does not speak to me, I had a "blow out" with my best cousin where I once cherished our relationship. I gave these special people up for Robert - and he never really thought twice about it. I can say he was probably happy knowing that I would be at home more - yes, waiting for him to show up and to see what mood he would be in. I could go on and on about horrible, violent events that my son witnessed. Robert says bad things about my son now (he's lazy, gay, going to be a loser like his dad, etc.).

This past weekend Robert planned a Las Vegas trip for Mother's Day (this was supposed to be a trip for me). Well, he purchased the airline tickets - after that all other expenses (5Star Hotel, meals, spending money, came from my ATM card). He then became a little too angry due to his ongoing alcohol intake. By Sunday midday, I told him I was going my own way. He never follows after me or is ever remorse. Well, he showed up hours later. That evening I was able to take a standby flight home. Well, I wasn't quick enough in leaving the hotel, he walked in as I was packing. He always threatens to bash my face in, break out all of my teeth (as he knows I am very picky about my teeth). Security came as I was leaving. Well, I haven't seen Robert since. He ongoingly leaves for 1-2 weeks at a time, he hasn't had one of those "vacations" in a few months. Robert is an ex-con. I do not feel I am any better than anyone and feel people can change - if they want to. He keeps a lot of secrets and doesn't share or open up about his thoughts, etc. His desire is to be a musician. He is in a band, but they don't even have gigs. He is a good musician, but that is like me saying I want to me a model or something that is more of a wonderful fantasy, not reality as far as making it.

I need help is finding out why I would tolerate him and want him back. When he does become violent with me (once breaking my nose in front of my son), I am angered with him and say I am rid of him. But after several hours or 1 day, I feel lonely and want him back. Today I've been paging him throughout and all I receive from him is nasty and cruel messages. He has said the meanest and disgusting things about me - whore, etc. Why would I want this? I would be so upset if any of my friends or family members had a husband or boyfriend like him. He thinks I am the problem. He also has stolen items from me and my son. Can anyone help me or guide me in not wanting to tolerate him. I miss him and wish he was here right now. When he is here I feel like Edith Bunker from the "All in the Family" sitcom.

Again, I was desperate tonight and am trying to think of anything to keep me from begging him to come home. I am sure he loves knowing that I am always home waiting for him. If it matters at all, I am not conceited, but feel very confident about my appearance and lifestyle with a good career path. Why would I lower my standards so much - I would never be able to bring Robert to any corporate function as he would not act appropriately. I look forward to hearing from anyone. I thank you in advance for your time and support.

Karen in San Leandro

,

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 16, 2001

S1

I am 48 yr. old woman who should know better than everything I've done this past 2 1/2 yrs but I'm trying to get my life back out of this mess and could use some input.

2 1/2 yrs ago my marriage of 14 yrs broke up because I found out that part of my husbands drug addiction involved other women. I joined al anon because I knew outside of the drug problem we had a really once in lifetime thing and a basically very happy family so I just wanted to keep him and my peace. He decided to go into a rehab and , as they warn you it can, our world fell apart. It was not so much the other women, I understand you're not sane when you're doped up, it was the lies and the believing in him. It tore us both apart and I was in very bad shape. I couldn't sleep because I'd wake myself up screaming, I lost 10 lbs in one week and, worst of all, turned to ANOTHER addict.oooops.2 1/2 years later I am still with this addict and, truthfully, I am not willing to live this way BUT I love his children and am trying to protect them. He is a heroin addict, their mom is a heroin addict and their Aunt is a partyer that is never there to take of the kids. That's all their options outside of me. I have told him I want him to leave and the kids to stay, for their sake but it is difficult to handle this right. He is a dangerous man, although he has never done me harm, so it won't be simple to make him go because he thinks he is deeply in love with me and I am a little scared of his reaction when he finds out I am for real. I'm not even sure what I'm asking you for. My ex is my best friend but because we still have feelings his advice is too emotional. I feel strongly about protecting these children and will not sacrifice their wellbeing for my comfort. That is not even an option. Maybe I just need encouragement to keep on this path until I succeed. I don't want to get tired and just give in and leave things as they are. Thank you , Cat

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, May 17, 2001

S1

I am writing because I am angry, confused and hurt. All in that order. I am angry because my husband of 18 months says nasty and cruel things to me that make me want to punch his lights out. I am by all means not a fighter, either verbally or physically. The first time he verbally lashed out on me I was astonished. I literally turned around and see if there was someone else behind me, because surely he wasn't directing these profane and insulting tirades toward me. After all what did I do? Confused, I asked him I had done to deserve such cruelty. This caused the remote control to be flung to the other side of the room and finally lodge in the wall, soon after a chair was flung. I screamed in horror and my first reaction was run after him and to apologize. After all, I didn't know he wanted mustard instead of mayonnaise on his turkey sandwich. This was the beginning. I learned to ignore his outbursts and walk away. This is not good. I learned to do something dysfunctional....Live with a what I like to refer to as a "wacko", After each fight, he threatens to divorce me. I used to cry and try to make things better. Now, I say, "please do". Well, he never does. I am taking matters into my own hands, and I went to a lawyer yesterday, and I am beginning gathering documents, etc. Here's the sad part. I'm afraid to tell him. I am also tormented with the thought that this poor man whom I promised to love and take care of is sick, and I am bailing out on him. I know that this is so wrong to feel this way, but I am having a huge problem with this. I feel that I am abandoning him and not being a good wife. Which leaves me with this question, who is sicker? Him or me.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 18, 2001

S1

My abusive husband (physically, mentally, verbally, etc..) of 5 months left me recently and I can't get over it. I should be thankful, but I'm not. I am mourning the loss of this man. He said that he's leaving me for two reasons: 1) before I left him AGAIN; and 2)my negative attitude was going to stand in the way of his 2 day sobriety from crack cocaine abuse. Is this typical of an abuser to leave like this? I really could use some insight. What's wrong with me? Why am I mourning the loss of this man? Could someone give me insight as to why I'm feeling this way? Thanks, Lisa

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 19, 2001

S1

From Karen, 5/19/2001:

Hi, my name is Karen. I used to be a "strong" person emotionally until 7 years ago.

I met my husband, and it was instantly a "whirlwind" romance. He told me he loved me after only 1 week. I had been hurt before, and was very cautious of this newfound excitement.

He made me feel good. He bought me presents, and brought my Mother presents whenever we visited my parents. He was such a charmer!

He said he had money in savings, (which was not true) and he fed us lies to make him look good (my parents did a background check and found that this Man had done time in prison for a violent-related crime against his step-Father).

My parents, behind my back, knew I was headed for only trouble with this Man. They even discussed "paying him off" to get him out of my life. They opted against this, because they knew if I ever found out, I would never forgive them. They decided to let me experience this anyway:

My Mom let him drive her car to and from his job, because he proved trustworthy enough.

One morning, while he was taking a shower, my Mother was visiting and my sister was here from out-of-state. My Mom said," I want to look in his wallet & see if he even has a driver's license." (since he had been using her car). My sister volunteered.

My sister returned and said," I hate to tell you this, but all he has is an I'd. card, but no drivers license."

Let the games begin...I was already set in my mind that this man loved me, and I was willing to put his past behind us.

We married 4 months later, and had a lavish honeymoon in Colorado.

I was pregnant immediately. Our son arrived in 1996. When our son was only 5 weeks old, I was changing his diaper and my husband walked in and wanted to borrow money from me. I knew that he had $50.00 the day before, and asked him what happened to the money.

He became very raged and upset, and said that I had no business asking him! He pushed me, with our son in my arms, and we both fell to the floor.

He left for work, and I called the police. (This would be one of MANY calls to the police, by the way!) The police filed a report, and my husband had to appear in court, due to the past of violence he had.

The Judge sentenced him to Home Detention. He had to wear a monitored ankle bracelet, and he could just go to and from work, then straight home.

He was very upset about that. It was MY fault that he was punished this way. My fault? He was the one who pushed me with a child in my arms.

Abusers have a way of turning the tables, twisting the truth and making it seem like it's always the victim's fault, right? Right! Over the years, I felt that I truly was wrong and he was right. I would decide what I was going to say to him and be very strong, only for him to tear me down emotionally and make it seem like it was all my doing.

He went through several jobs within 2 years, and then decided he was financially "backed into a corner" and had to leave for Seattle! He walked into his job and quit. He rode his motorcycle 1200 miles to Seattle on little money, with no job or place to live once he got there.

I didn't understand why he did this, because we had a nice home near my Mother, and couldn't see why he would leave the comforts of home to go somewhere he didn't even know anyone.

I had a house payment, a small toddler, and a part time job.

He started calling collect to talk to me. Of course, I would accept the charges because I ached to talk to him. The phone bill was outrageous.

I decided to drop everything and relocate to Seattle to be with him. My Mother was crushed, as her daughter and grandson would be moving very far away.

Abusers are notorious for taking the victim far away from family and friends; all the people who loved me! Then, he would have absolute control over me.

We stayed in a motel until our furniture arrived. I was pregnant again.

When I was 7 months pregnant with our second child, my husband had taken our dog to the park one day. He saw a woman on roller blades that kept circling around the path at the park. The met, and eventually he cheated on me with this 18 year old! I was pregnant, and he was cheating on me and driving HER car around! I was devastated.

Did I learn then? No. He arrived at our apartment and said," I made love to this woman and it was beautiful." I was crushed. I said," You can't even look in my eyes when you said that." He drew up divorce papers and gave them to me.

I should have signed them then! I just didn't learn. I didn't realize this was a pattern and a sickness of this dysfunctional relationship.

My husband had a very different background from me: His parents divorced when he was very young, and he lived with his Mom and step-Dad, who sexually and physically abused him. They left him alone a lot.

So, of course, I made excuses for my husband: *He had a horrible childhood, that is why he is the way he is. So, I can change him! I can show him love, cook his favorite meals, keep the house immaculate...etc....That will make him happy, therefore, make our marriage work!

Wrong again. No matter what I did, it was not good enough. I didn't discipline the kids to his liking. I wasn't consistent. I didn't run the dishwasher the way I was supposed to....You name it, I got blamed for it!

My self esteem and self worth did not exist anymore.

You are wondering about the affair, right? Well, he did end the affair, but this woman kept calling the house at all hours wanting to talk to him. She would wait at his work in her car just to see him arrive at work. (I would drive him to work, then go on to my job). I would see her waiting for him. I told him I wanted to confront her (I wanted to do more than that!)

He said he would take care of it.

Where is this woman today? She is now my "sister-in-law." Can you believe this? After my husband ended the affair, she started dating his brother! Then, they married and she had his baby.

I could not stomach the fact that this woman now had my last name, and was in the family! I could not believe this was my life, this was something you watch on talk shows, this isn't supposed to happen to ME...

To sum it up, he hit me several times. He yelled horribly. The kids were disciplined very strictly. As usual, I was always at fault for anything that went wrong in his life.

He would get so stressed over finances and bills. He would mention, over and over, how he pays all the bills and that I don't contribute to anything.

Keep in mind: I worked full time, and still do! I paid every dime of my paycheck to him. I stopped doing that, because he did not manage money very well. He would go to the grocery store and blow money on things that would not carry the family through for the month (like meats, pastas, vegetables, etc.) He would buy chips, sodas, junk!

My husband decided to go to trucking school last year. When he left, it was like a large weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It was almost as if my body totally relaxed!

I don't know if I can post this next paragraph, but I will explain just how relieved my body was: The whole time I was with him, I never had a menstrual cycle. (I had them before I met him, but they suddenly came to a halt when I met him).

Well, when he went away to trucking school....guess what? I received my monthly cycle. That told me a lot right there!

He started calling collect. I explained to him that I was working as hard as I could to support my children, and that calling collect would set us back considerably, financially. He said that I didn't care enough to accept his calls and that I didn't love him.

He started drinking. He would call me at 2:00am (when I had to get up at 4:30am to get ready for work). He would cry, and say that he didn't have anybody but me, and how could I shut him out?

Guilt trip. I felt bad. It starts over again.

My 30th birthday arrived. He had come home for a visit (he would be routed home every month or so through his long-haul trucking job he took after trucking school).

Our car's transmission went out 2 days before my birthday. I had no transportation, and taking the bus was not an option, because we lived 25 miles from my job. Plus, I would have to take the children to daycare and that was not on a bus route.

I bought a brand-new car, with a 10 year/100,000 mile warranty. I thought this was a good purchase, because this was a new, safe car to transport my children around.

My husband was furious! He said that if I had only waited until he got paid, he would get us a cheap, used car from the auction. I explained that I didn't want another used car, that we would only be buying someone else's problems. It didn't matter what I said, I was never right anyway...

So, on my birthday, he called me at work and said," I Honey, Happy Birthday. Let's go out and do karaoke tonight for your birthday. Let's meet at the house after you get off work."

He was so gentle and romantic. However, since he had been away from me a month at a time, I was getting STRONGER. I was more independent, and felt really good about myself!

So, I took a deep breath and opted to say what I am about to say. I said," That sounds great honey. I'll meet you at the house. Oh, one more thing: I do not regret buying that car, I just want you to know."

That did it. How dare I compromise his manhood? How dare I talk back to him? How dare I stand firm and stick up for myself?

He said, "Alright. I see. Well, you go out and have a good time on your birthday tonight. I will leave your presents on the couch."

So, on my 30th birthday, I picked up my kids from daycare after work and went home. No cake. No dinner. My parents and sisters were miles and miles away..

I just cried and cried. My children hugged on me, saying "Mommy, don't cry. We love you." I love my children more than anything in this world! I have never left them. The way I see it, down the road when my kids are older, they will love me! They will see that I never left them.

I arrived home, and did see my presents on the couch as he said he would leave them. They were not wrapped. He didn't even bother to sign my birthday card!

That did it. Rage just built up inside of me.

When he came home at 10:30pm that night, I was sitting in the recliner/rocking chair watching TV. I was hurt, depressed, and thought that what he did was just about the lowest thing a person could do to another on their birthday.