Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyright© 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 23, 2001

S1

I recently divorced a very abusive man all I can say is after 12 years of abuse it was not a very easy thing to do. But I can say it was the best thing to do. He seemed so perfect for me at the beginning of the relationship. Although now when I l\can remember the abuse started slowly The first thing I remember was when I put a little to much water into the sauce and he got so angry he through it across the kitchen that was how I was supposed to learn my lesson not to ever do that again (that was his way of teaching me a lesson). Then the abuse really began whenever I said things that he didn't like he would pull my hair or kick me. he even controlled me in the grocery store and

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 24, 2001

S1

Hello all. I stumbled upon this page looking for help for my stepson. His mom is verbally abusive to US, which is spilling over onto her child. I know this seems a stretch, but the child is our only concern. We are not looking to get custody, or rip him away from his mother, but truly want to help him.

His mom is very angry about the divorce, and she takes it out on her ex husband. She has a very bad temper, which is why he left her in the first place. She often yells at him in front of his son when he goes to pick up his son, for petty reasons. We have asked her to stop, and told her this is not doing his son any good, and she shouted at me "I will stop when I want to!" I can understand my advice was not wanted nor appreciated, but the way she is yelling all the time is hurting their son greatly.

The reason it is hurting my stepson so much, is because the thing she yells about most often is VISITATION. If my husband is as little as two minutes late picking him up, or five minutes early dropping him off, she yells at him like it's some huge inconvenience. She also yells and carries on if he cancels, which he only does twice per year at the very most. I talked to her about this yesterday, and even told her that when she is yelling like that, and her son can hear her, that it makes him feel as if NO ONE wants him! She didn't really reply to that, but at least I got to say it without being yelled at. (how odd that was) Besides always yelling at my husband, she is always pushing this child off on whoever will take him for her. She claims to want custody - but yet she doesn't want HIM. She pushes him off on us, his grandparents, the school (full time summer school when he only needed go part time last summer), and she even called my husbands mother and asked HER to take visitation as well. It appears as he is too much for her to handle, so she is always trying to rid herself of him. I am only telling you this so you know why she yells at my husband when he cancels.

She went on to tell me that she has this problem with my husband. She is very angry about him leaving her, and every time she sees him, she says she has this *red button* that goes off inside her, and she can't control her temper. I happen to know that she has trouble controlling her temper with other people as well, and it's not only him. She will yell at anyone who does not agree with her, and has yelled at my stepsons daycare providers, and other people who have stood in her way.

My stepson is getting into trouble at school now, and the councilor is going to talk to him, and do a report on him. (I think it's psychiatric) They are also checking him for add. My husband and I have called the school twice now, and they are not returning our calls. I feel they should know the background on this, but don't want to appear to be bashing his mother. His mother and I do get along, and as a matter of fact, I am the only open line of communication she has. (because the yells at my husband so frequently, he avoids her like the plague) I do not wish to start a feud, or shut down the only line of communication here. What I do wish to do is help my stepson. His mom is the first to admit she has a temper.

My question is this: Should I keep my mouth shut, and let the councilor discover the problem on her own? What if she does not find out that his mom is a yeller? And if I call the school and talk to the councilor, will they keep it confidential or think I am trying to cause problems? As I have said before, this is not a ploy to get custody, just help the boy. We are at a loss of what to do.

Thank you Kathy

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 24, 2001

S1

January 24th '01

Hello Friend,

My name is Anna and I have a story to tell you.

Once there was this wonderful person named N. She was 26 years old, very warm hearted, attractive, blonde, and well, let's face it, pretty naive.

N. comes from a great background with loving professional parents and she grew up with wonderful, long-term friends and graduated from a good, private college with two degrees.

N. was feeling especially gutsy and decided to move to The North West in order to seek her independence and land the perfect job in Graphic Design (Did I mention to you that she also has a design degree from an excellent school she attended after college?)

So N. packs up and heads off, away from all the spoon-fed security in hopes for an adventurous, independent life!

In order to speed the story along I will stick to the facts,- N. tried her hardest to get that design job!- She worked at Nordstrom late afternoon/evening and all morning sent out resumes, worked on her portfolio and cold-called every possible option there might be.

3 months passed and N. was frustrated but kept plugging away. Then N. had a great opportunity to have an Art Show downtown! N. was very excited! (Did I mention that N. is also a manual artist- she has drawn and painted ever since she was 4)

So N. did some fun paintings and bought a lot of wine for her first opening.

One painting sold and everyone N. had met after living in the Northwest and invited showed up, admired the artwork, and drank all the wine. N. felt it was a success! There was a tall, good looking European man that appeared at the show - he had given N. his card and N.who was so excited about the after math of her show the night before, actually called him the next day- (To meet for a drink some night, perhaps? She had thought.) N. knows that this is pretty bold, but N. lives by the rules that if you want something to happen It's up to YOU!

(Did I mention that N. is also Naive - yes, I believe I did.)

J. the dashing European with the new-Zealand accent suggests a romantic dinner and N. is thrilled! J shows up in an Armani suit with flowers and a big smile. He has perfect white teeth. The dinner is in a five star restaurant the food is lobster and the champagne and wine glasses keep being refilled. N and J had fantastic (protected sex) afterwards and N had to leave early for work the next day.

J perused N who was so mesmerized by all the lavish gifts, dinners and later- trips around the world that she felt as though she had won the jackpot! Yes, N. realized that J had been married (was divorced) and had a son who was only a year old but J told N that his ex-wife had driven him away, wanting to raise a son on her own terms and N. believed him.

N by this time also found out that J had a temper, N let a few comments slide and just felt that since J works so hard with his own profitable business he deserves to get frustrated whenever he wants. (N also feels that since J pays all the bills and has asked N to help him with his furniture business that part of N's job is to put up with his verbal abuse. Besides he always says he is "sorry " afterwards and he gets her gifts and flowers after a huge outburst. He got her two dozen pink roses after he gave her herpes. And N forgave him.

N's friends are very happy and jealous for N. They see all the gifts, travel and the nice cars and the house she now lives in rented)- and they see this fantastic, older man who wants N by his side every second. But they do not know about J and his quick tongue that seems to be shredding N's esteem a little each day. N. is also not really furthering her career and feels lost. But J makes her laugh and then she buys a new pair of shoes on J's credit card and decides to live in denial for just one more day.

J and N get married!- The wedding is small and very private overlooking a huge expanse of beautiful blue water. J and N look fantastic- N is wearing a simple, body hugging dress that the couple picked up while they were traveling in Italy. J is so happy that he sheds tears during the vows. Blessings are everywhere.

J decides that they need to move to Arizona the next day. N is crushed. What about her job? (she's a teacher now- she got tired of working with J)-Even though J gives her crap about it all the time and wants her paycheck (every dime). But, N. is now married- J is the bread winner so they pack-up and move.

In Arizona, N finds a job teaching right away after filling out all the paperwork in order to teach in another state. (N can now teach in 3 states) They now rent another extremely expensive adobe home and N. feels a false sense of security.

J and N get along well- J's business is failing though and he tells N that they are broke. N fills her time trying to be a good wife and spending time at her job. J tells her she has a bullshit job and they need to move back to the Northwest to make money.

N. knows arguing will prove fruitless- so she packs everything up (She is a great packer!) and they move back. They move into a very expensive rental home- N. questions nothing and then J tells her that they owe sooooooooo much money. N wants to file for bankruptcy and move into a new low-rent apartment. J wants to flee the country and move to New Zealand.

N has had enough. N calls a lawyer whilst J is setting up a place in New Zealand with embezzled money. N calls her family and tells the whole truth. N cries. N makes a decision to get a divorce, move back home and start fresh. N is now 29.

This should be the end of the story- but is not.

J is back and he has wormed his way into N's new apartment- The stress has caused N to lose her new job, new friends and slowly her sanity. N gets pregnant and tearfully decides to abort. It was a very tough decision. N is feeling very insecure and wonders if this man is supposed to be her destiny?- J has filed bankruptcy, quit drinking and swears that he will take anger- management classes.

N wants to believe him- she has given him money to pay for the lawyer and J is living rent free. N even does his laundry!- N gets frustrated because she feels guilty that J spent so much money on her!- N feels her punishment is to stay and "make a go of it" Especially, because she feels she has killed an innocent life after the abortion. N's emotional strength seems to be slipping between her fingers.

There is an element of "blind-faith" for J on her part- if they can make it work the relationship could be a beautiful thing. There is such a connection except for when the abuse surfaces.

N's parents and friends are screaming for her to pack up and leave this man. N wants to be strong- Do you think she will make it? Do you think she deserves to make it? N can't seem to figure that one out. PLEASE HELP N. TO HELP HERSELF! (She will leave, but she needs a powerful force within her to help her see just how bad she has it with J and to not feel guilty anymore.) N is still 29.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 24, 2001

S1

I have been married to a manipulative nasty verbal abuser, who completely had me snowed for 10 + years. I have a 3 year old son, and have noticed through him and began to read and speak out about now also the physical abuse I suffered recently as well. I did not want it to continue, nor did I want my son to grow up in this environment. I thought that it would be mean and cruel to not discuss my plans of divorce with him. WHAT A GIANT MISTAKE THIS WAS. He plotted and planned and bought a tape recorder . . . and now I have been accused of hurting my son by this SOB, and until court on Friday, after he took my child to his mothers, and I did not see him for 4 days, the judge gave the bastard temporary custody until court. I have 4 hours a day to see my child under supervision, not at our home. I begged him not to involve our son in the divorce, and it was the very first thing he did. The abuse just gets worse . . . don't ever kid yourself. My son runs away from me screaming "I don't love you . I don't want you to be my mommy. I want Daddy's mom to be my mom too." It's like someone ripped my heart out. I can only hope and pray to GOD that somebody can see what's going on and help me to get away from this monster, and have my son back. Now my son is telling me that he won't see me tomorrow, when he is scheduled to, and that he will be returning home with Daddy, NOT MOMMY. Because Nana's his mommy now. I can't even bring myself to stop crying. I thought he loved me . . . HA HA HA. Any suggestions for CPS and court on Friday would be welcomed greatly. Thank you kindly, Maria.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 26, 2001

S1

Dr Irene: Just call me Barb... After finding your site last year and living in a house hold that I supposedly built with my boyfriend and father of my youngest child, I had been repeatedly told to GET OUT by Him and the police. I did not clean well enough, often enough, hard enough or thorough enough. He hand built our new house and it was my job to keep it clean, the kids quiet, and under control because it was his house. The seat at the head of the table was his, the cookies hidden in the cabinet were his, the garage with the outside entrance was his, the electricity, phone and cable which he paid for and I might add, disconnected when he was mad at me, were his. I am a college educated woman with two masters' degrees, three bright children and I felt it was easier to just stay where I was. The kids hate him, though he has been their father since they were four, disrespect him, and now disrespect me.

I listened to him tell me that I was fat (I weigh 98 lbs), tell me over and over again that I was lazy (I have Fibromyalgia now going on five years and am in constant pain), tell me I don't clean or cook the right food, buy the right groceries, drive the car the right way, wash the clothes fast enough (though I did his laundry every single day) I do NOTHING. I stayed home with a 4 year old, and twins age 10 and yet did nothing. Yes, I took Naps (I have this disease which he sees nothing wrong with me) yes I am constantly tired. I also babysat my infant nephew all day, took care of my aging parents in the hospital and their home, escorted his mother and sister to the mall all the time. BUT I listened to your sight. Finally, I listened. When he told me on Christmas Eve that he hates my kids, gave me an add for a newspaper for an apartment as a joke he says, I moved out!

I moved out two days after Christmas. To a 2 bedroom apartment (house) with my three kids. I gave up that life. I could not take his verbal abuse one more weekend. I started back to work in September as a secretary so I would take one step to free myself from this man who refuses to get help with his control problems. He tells me where to drive, when to go out, when to sleep, eat and breath. He gets mad and jealous over my twin sisters' son, even if he loves him allot. I thought last year after we moved out for 8 months that he would get it...GET IT. But though he misses me now, and wants my one daughter back (our daughter, he blames my kids as the reason that we don't get along) Am I missing something here? We went for counseling, he says he loves me and does not know the meaning of love. He does not know the meaning of respect. Admire. Now he has his big new house on the hill. What should I do regarding my relationship with him? We have a daughter.

How am I suppose to feel. I went back to work even though I am in physical pain. But I could not take that abuse anymore. Can you tell me what should I do now? My kids hate where we moved to though I kept them in the same school district. Please how should I be towards him now? I don't know what to do!!!!! BWILD

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, January 27, 2001

S1

Ok, where to begin...never done "this" before, but need to get this stuff off my chest. Bare with me. don't even read it, just let me say my peace. Thanks!!!

Recently separated from my husband, who is an alcoholic, for starters. When we met, I "thought" he just drank too much, because of his depression problem, failed 1st marriage, and abusive childhood. (I too, have gone through bouts of drinking. Thought it was similar)

Anyway, several problems came up right from the start. His ex-wife had him set-up (really. She's got many friends in high places) So, my husband spent one year in a federal prison. During this time, I worked three jobs to support us both and 3 kids) and afford the 5 hour trip to visit him, once weekly.

I guess this is when the red flags went up, concerning his mom. She never once visited him, or wrote. He cried and begged her to bring his children, but she never did. As a matter of fact, she is still, to this day, best friends with this woman. (Now been 6 years ago) During that time, I also found out that she had lied about my husband's natural father. (now it gets bizarre) His "real" dad, is the man she was last married to (recently deceased).

To make a long story short, she is a manipulator, to say the least. She plays the part of the victim, and seeks attention, CONSTANTLY. During the care-taking stage of her dying husband, refused help (but complained that NO ONE would help her). Set this man's death-bed up, in the living room, in front of picture window, with no curtains. (Said none of the 3 bedrooms were appropriate) Well, during this excruciating time, my husband became very close to this man, (his father), and was his secondary care-taker, and stayed at that house the last 3 months of his life. By the way, he was a drunk, and died from complications from alcohol abuse. In the beginning, I took a great interest, too. That is, until the whining started. "She is so tired, never gets any help, cleaned up pee, 10 times a day (refused to put diapers on him), had to cook dinner for all her sons (all over 30), etc, etc, etc. To top it off, totally put-down her husband's kids, and didn't want them around. After his first, near death, and she invited 30 people over, I called it quits. She "cleaned him up" with everyone watching, all the while preparing a 10 course meal, complaining and getting pity, pity, and more pity. If offering my help (yet not expecting a "party", I had prepared several full meals, and brought them over. The food I made sat, untouched, and unmentioned, while she cooked restaurant-style, taking orders. She never once, offered the food I had brought, right in the oven. Among this crowd, of course, was my husbands' ex wife. Right by her side until his death. (And how she's so broke........) But doesn't have a job. HMMMMMMM????? Needless to say, I didn't step foot in that house again until the day of his funeral. I had never been so humiliated for someone so helpless in my life. I was close to this man, loved him more than she did, probably. He was a drunken idiot, but did not deserve to be on display (just so she could get pity and attention)

I made it through that funeral, and 2 after that. Each one was attended by the ex-wife, who, sat with my mother-in-law at each one (instead of her own son). And she came to every family gathering afterwards, even though the last 2 people, she didn't even know. Well, that did it. I told my husband that I thought it was ridiculous of her attending these (social?) events, and I left. He rode home with dear old mom.

Two weeks later, tells me he needs a new start. Him and mom took a vacation 1,000 miles away, and while there, she rented him an apartment for his "new" life. He's promised to quit drinking (doesn't drink too often, anymore, but still needs professional help), and get a good enough job so I can quit working. That, he'll make me proud, and will back to get me in about a year, with an all new life for me, in a warmer climate.

What the hell is that about? I don't ever want to see this woman again, for funding this adventure. And, I'm so pissed at him, I can't see straight. I'm left with 3 teenagers (he couldn't stand them, anyway), and all the bills to pay. I work at a very physically demanding job (and I have a chronic illness). He took the new car (I can't afford the payment, too), and left me with a real piece of junk, pick up truck. My son and daughters cars are both broke down. Hopefully getting one fixed in a few days, for me to drive.

Well, now I'm whining. I'm just feeling the the stupid (#$%@!) he always said I was. Just can't believe this is happening. I didn't even speak to him when he left. Right now, I don't ever want to see him again, either. I love him to death, but this is too much. No, he doesn't have a girlfriend, actually, I'm sure his very intention is to do exactly what he said...to make a great life for us. The only difference is, I liked my life right here, in my home (he calls a dump). I'm convinced he won't ever be happy. One of his big problems is his first marriage. She had money to begin with. He had a job making LOTS of money (he lost when he went to prison) and they had won the lottery (I'm not kidding). When they divorced, he gave up his half to her and his kids. Now, we're penny-less, he's got (had) a low-paying job, and (you guessed it) paying high child-support. His ex (and his kids and grandkids, etc) are set for life, and we're living day-to-day. He just can't stand it. He misses the "good life", but I think I had it, without any money. what a mess!

Well, I'll stop here. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, as I said. I have a lot of anger to deal with. Thank goodness I have a job, and my three kids (even though they drive me crazy), and I can't wait until Spring! Thanks for listening! bye

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, January 29, 2001

S1

I am a recovering alcoholic. This site has helped me to see some things in myself that I can admit now was wrong. Verbally abusing my husband by saying things like" grow up and be a man" "think for once" etc etc.. I became so resentful of him and found some things in my life I can't control - people. I didn't think I was controlling and thought I had some pretty good excuses for abusing- he fails to balance the check book for 2 years almost leaving us bankrupt now with hearing.. yes I will do soon, don't worry), he doesn't leave when I had asked him for a month so I can work on my own issues and when he did, he came back twice in three days like nothing happened, he doesn't do this , he doesn't do that.. I know we have lost respect for each other and I am working out the hurts and in my own life. One of them is to say. there is another way than try to control and degrade him.. I am getting a legal separation for both my sake and his. Also, working out the issues in my own life that I am responsible for in my choices and growth. I cant change him, at this point I will have to go along without him. I want him to have respect for himself and confidence. I have stopped and bit my tongue and said no more in my anger and selfishness. I am just moving on now hoping he will wake up and get the help and understanding he needs to so he can be a whole person. Nothing more to say here.

Terrie

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, January 29, 2001

S1

Hi, I am Michael. I loved deeply a lady. One day, she has been posting in her store, a birthday gift list, with the name of all her co workers, and was the first to write in front of hers she needed a real man. Our relation was good, there was no reason to do that. I just broke apart, humiliated, but remained silent. She has been doing a lot of humiliating things over one year and a half, but as long as the great times in our relation were there, I could handle it. The day she started acting in a way to make me brake the relationship, changing totally behaviour, we got into a fight, and unfortunately, I lost my patience, and slapped her face. I remained silent at the Court, because I have never had a fight in my life, and it was happening with the lady I have love the most. She placed a restraining order, but came back with me, and keep sending me to jail each time the relation is not going her way, even if we never had a fight again. Should I handle any kind of her humiliations, or should I reveal to the Judge the reasons which led me to that unfortunate fight, handling too much verbal abuse for too long? Thanks for any advice.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 30, 2001

S1

Hi Everyone - Just found this website. Answered yes to almost all of the questions about being in an abusive relationship. I am currently trying to get out of it now. I have purchased a home and want to move into it. My husband is going to counseling, admitting he has been wrong all this time, understands my actions, but wants a second chance. He asked that weeks ago and nothing has changed. Says he hasn't changed because he doesn't know where I'm at. That is not true, I told him my feelings are absent, I don't feel the same anymore, and my initiative to keep working at this is not there. I want to separate and than divorce because I feel it is best for our 10 month old son. He tries to make me feel quilty saying I am ruining my sons life, ruining my husbands dream of a family, etc. I feel very strongly that I am doing the right thing, but the quilt gets to me.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, February 01, 2001

S1

Dear Dr. Irene: Nearly 18 years of marriage to the father of my children has become more and more difficult. I'm to the point of walking out but am so very reluctant to make a move which will permanently damage the well being of my children. My children are 16 and 14; a difficult time for them without trouble at home. Extremely difficult for my husband and I to join forces and work through the parent/teenager relationships. Even more difficult when my husband starts the name calling on top of heavy drinking. Anyone who visits this site probably knows all too well about my story. But, I need advice and counsel on what to do next! Let me give you the facts: Both of us had been married previously. I was married for 7 years, no children. He was married for 3 years with one child. A terrific son who will turn 20 this year. I am two years older than my husband and we married when I was 30! Our first year together was stormy and while I questioned the future of the relationship, like all new couples, I hoped he would change. After work we would meet at a bar and our dinner would be hoursdovers. We both drank far too much, but he more than I. I grew up with an alcoholic father and knew what drinking could do to a relationship. When my husband drinks, he becomes very angry, hateful, uses hateful and fowl language.

After two years of marriage, I got pregnant with our daughter. Her first year of life was difficult as I so wanted to be the perfect mother and care for her, she was a very colic baby and demanded holding, coddling and a lot of attention. I was happy to give it to her, but she had a special desire for her father to do the holding as opposed to me. I absolutely took it personally and thankfully outgrew the jealously when our son was born a year and a half later.

My husband WAS a good father. He was very attentive to the kids, helped change their diapers, cooked, cleaned and HAD a wonderful sense of humor. As all alcoholics, when they are sober, can be wonderful people. He uses the "F" word frequently, calls not only me but the children hateful names, uses totally inappropriate language at any time regardless of who is present and takes great joy in himself that he has the power to speak so frankly regardless of who is there to hear. His drinking is daily and has become my habit as well. My PMS, according to my husband, is the sole source of his hatred for me. When he is at his worst, he loves to push the "education" button. He completed college, yet I feel he cannot speak or even spell with competence. His grammar is horrible and uses words in sentences which he cannot accurately pronounce. However, when he feels threatened by me, he thrives and boasts his education and that I am merely a high school graduate.

I believe he is threatened because I have worked for the same company for 27 (long and difficult) years. I now earn about 5 weeks of paid vacation per year. I work long hours trying to stay ahead of my younger, college educated peers. I do not have a significant position of authority at work, but am well respected. My husband and I have stopped socializing with any of my friends from work because as the more he knows about them, the more he citizens me for this relationship. He uses these dear people that I rely on throughout each work day as a source for his verbal attacks.

My husband is self employed as a consultant and has to rely on selling himself in order to receive work. I think he is well respected in his field, but recently I learned he was "fired" due to poor work habits. Unfortunately, I do see my husband taking naps daily, working at his leisure, available to play golf at a moments notice and brags to me about how he was able to charge his clients for a full day's work when he only put in a few hours. We completely disagree about our each others work ethic. He thinks I'm a fool for putting in 12 hours a days and I often tell him how I think he is cheating his clients for work not done.

The trouble has been brewing for quite some time and we often talk...the morning after about what we need to do to save the relationship for the sake of the kids. But, scheduling of counseling, or going to the lawyers to draw up divorce papers never happens. Tonight takes the cake and I just cannot put my hand on the triggering event. Although, when my 16 year old daughter is in a "mood" the rest of the family quite frankly suffers from it. When she is mad, the rest of us are on edge with one another.

My daughter changed her high school this year as a sophomore so she could be with the friends she had in middle-school. Her first year of high school (freshman) was difficult for her, thus making it difficult on us. It was agreed if her grades were 2.5 or better, she could change schools. She almost lived up to the agreement yet, my husband and I could not agree on if she could/could not change schools. Changing schools seems to have made her happier but is now killing my husband and I due to her love affair with a black man. Any comment made in the household now is interpreted as a "radial" slur. Indeed, when my husband drinks, the comments made by him are radial. While I am accepting of this relationship slightly better each day, my husband (who actually started out OK with the situation) has turned bitter and hateful. I know I hope she will have many boyfriends during her high school/college years, she has now been with the same boy (a year older) for over 8 months.

What happened tonight was sheer hatred toward me. I came home from work and immediately had to take my daughter to her dance class. My husband was enroute to take our son to basketball. When we met back home, he started calling me every hateful name in the book. I finally tried to retreat to our bedroom and watch television there until the kids needed to be picked up. He followed me relentlessly telling me what a hateful, ignorant person I was and wondering when I would be going to the lawyers office to get the divorce papers. When the kids came home, they immediately sensed something was up and both went to their separate bedrooms to escape the language. I remained absolutely quite and would not respond to his verbal abuse against me. I have learned something after all these years. I also went up to bed. Moments later my husband comes barging in our bedroom (after yelling at each child to perform some ridiculous task), turns the TV to a different channel and sits on the bed in such a manner that I am unable to see the TV at all. Then, he decides he does not like the electric blanket (which heats up separately for each side) and rips it off the bed. Because the wiring was such, it overturned my nightstand, the telephone and my clock went flying and he proceeded to kick me out of the bed- room telling me to sleep on the couch downstairs.

Our home was my husbands from his previous marriage. My condo was repossessed (the 80's bank balloon payment disaster which I was a victim of). Poor financial advice given to me by my husband which totally destroyed my credit. After the condo was repossessed, my husband took out a loan against my retirement fund to purchase the condo IN HIS NAME solely. I did not learn about this until all of the papers were signed and the real estate was in his name.

I'm finally to the point that I don't want to take this abuse nor his drinking any longer. But I need help in understanding what is it I need to do next? Should I get out of the relationship? Where can I move with the children so they may attend their same schools? Should I even worry about the children at this point? Should I leave him and the children behind? I don't believe I can financially afford to live elsewhere where the children and I would be comfortable. I'm very scared and feel alone. I've always relied on him to balance the checkbook, to deal with the taxes, to arrange all financial decisions. I am totally clueless about our finances. Where should I begin?

Karen 1/31/01

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, February 03, 2001

S1

My life story took a drastic turn 32 years ago. I was just sixteen years old and it happened the day that a twenty year old guy decided to rent the same field for his horse, that I had mine in. It wasn't until some time later that I found out he did that to meet me. I was sixteen at the time. Of course it didn't take much to turn the head of a silly horse crazed teenager. He had a job, a car, a horse and was out of school. Soon we were spending all our free time riding together. If I had known then what I know now, I would have seen the signs immediately and ran. He was cruel to his horse, his dog and to eventually to me. But, he had that car, that horse, that job and that age difference so he had power, at least in my silly young way of thinking. By the time I had finished school and turned eighteen we had agreed to part. At the same time my parents were moving to a different city and thought I should be old enough to be on my own or go live with him. I took the latter even though he did it grudgingly. Of course I immediately got pregnant. I had been a virgin until that time. Pregnant, sick, lonely, emotionally and physically abused I thought my life was over. I had such dreams for myself before I met him and somehow they were now covered under a mass of despair. I hated him, I hated being pregnant with his child, I was sick for nine months. In those nine months he left me numerous times to go have affairs, my disgust of him grew until I couldn't stand looking at him. I left and went home to my parents. I had decided to give my daughter up for adoption, my parents wouldn't let me. Again if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have listened to their reasoning, it had nothing to do with how I strongly felt. I had her, I kept her, he came back and married me and moved us away from everyone. It was the darkest days of my life. A child I didn't want, a man I hated and who was so violent to me that I wonder now how I survived and I was living in the depth of despair every day.

It all came to a head a few months after her birth, I had to go in for a serious operation in another city. I left my daughter with my parents and he then dropped me at the door of the hospital and left me there. Literally. I was there for two months, the nurses kindly gathered enough money to pay for a bus ride home for me. I then left and moved back to my parents once again. Got into college and then into a job in town. My mother looked after my daughter, in fact my daughter became more like my mother's daughter than she was mine. This happened for a couple of reasons. Between my two months in hospital, six month recovery and the fact that I was a still only nineteen and living with my parents. They just took over all the control and power of being more like her parents then I was. I couldn't' make decisions for her, they over rided, they had all the money and the desire to have a baby back in their house so I became more like a pseudo mother. I also started working full time so my time with her was very limited compared to the time my mother had her. Within a couple of years I moved out and got us a little apartment but my mother still did the babysitting. By the time I got home with her it was bedtime for her so I don't think bonding was happening. I also think I had so much anger and resentment at this time for getting pregnant, keeping her and being married and divorced by age twenty that I couldn't even comprehend how my life could go so wrong. Within four years I re-married, this time I married a man that was twenty two years older than myself. He loved kids so he basically became her father. He was a workaholic and in being one I almost became one. I worked full time at my job and then helped run his job the rest of the time seven days of the week for years. He also was very violent. To the outside world we had it all, nice house, lots of money, animals, everything that many people envy. Inside my house I was living with someone so violent that I was lucky to get out alive. Meanwhile, my daughter's bio-dad dragged had re-married and decided he wanted custody now, so for years we battled in courts spending thousands of dollars. I may not have been overjoyed having a child but I couldn't let her go live with him because I knew he was an alcoholic drug addict and so I had to fight for her life. Then at the age of thirty my husband just dis-appeared, literally disappeared. He made us sell our house and everything in it with the promise of buying a bigger house but on moving day he just kept right on going. No explanation, no nothing. I ended up with some of my stuff back at my parents house and close to a breakdown. I was shocked. In one day I went from having a nice house, lots of money, and married to having nothing. My income was a pittance compared to what his was and then to be back in my parents home was a nightmare. I couldn't go anywhere else because he had also taken all the money with him. I don't know to this day where he is. It took a year at my parents house to recover. I again got enough money together to go rent a house back out by where our other house was. That way my daughter could at least have the same friends, school and be close to her horse. I now had been divorced twice and I was thirty years old. Five years later I was swept off my feet by a younger man this time. I guess I was dazzled by his attention and the fact that I could rescue him and probably also the fact that he was younger and I could have the control played into it. My daughter hated him, but he was great to her, she just didn't think we needed anyone else in our life and was going to do everything she could to make our house a living hell. She succeeded. Her daily fights and dis-respect to him finally made him run not walk away. Now that she's old she regrets doing that but at that time she was a teenager and thought she knew everything and had all the power. So there I was again, now I was thirty seven and divorced for the third time. This time I didn't date for six years. I changed my life, grew much more introspective, searched for answers to my problems and turned my life completely around and into the person I had always wanted to be but didn't know how to be. After the sixth year I thought I was ready to find someone and I thought I received an answer to my prayers. I met my current man and we fit like a hand in a soft leather glove. Neither of us had children at home anymore. We both had incomes that allowed us to travel, to enjoy life, to enjoy each other and to explore the world. We did do exactly this. We lived together, walked together, loved together, did everything we could together. We had both waited our whole lives to bearable to do this. He had been in a twenty five year loveless marriage and had put in his time until the sons were grown. Once they were in college he had to leave. I met him two years after the fact. I loved the way he treated his ex with much respect, fairness and went over and above to do everything to make the divorce amicable. It was a journey for both of us. He had never been single and so we explored life together. We lived as man and wife for four years and were to be married last spring. Then something happened, I don't know what that something was, I guess I may never know what that something was but I just know that one day we were preparing for our future with much gusto and excitement and the next week he bolted. I mean literally bolted. In talking to him in the after math of this divesting event he just said that he couldn't do it. That it was something in him that was saying "no". I have tried every way possible to try and understand this, it has made no sense to me, I have no idea what it was inside of him that wouldn't allow him to commit at the last minute and to not only not commit but to run out of our lives a week before we were to be married. BUT, I guess it's one of life's unanswered questions that I will live with. If I hadn't found this site last summer, I almost don't believe I could have survived the grief. It literally was my salvation. Him and I had worked so hard on figuring out our lives, reading all the books, analyzing our weak points, trying to correct them and best of all showing gratitude and love in every way we knew how, every day to each other. Obviously, he lived a dual inner life because the outer one was working along side of me into a wonderful future. The inner one with it's inner dialogue that never got shared with even me is the only one with the real answer. In my life I don't know how to believe, trust or feel that way ever again. At this point it seems impossible but I'm trying. How does this happen, I just don't know. I guess I have to search deeper to see how my reality was different from his reality. In figuring that out, maybe I will come up with the answer. His last day in the house he just turned to me and said "something inside of me just somehow believes that I can do better for myself than by settling for you." That statement will haunt me for a long, long time. I am trying hard to get it out of my head but it is so hard to believe that he deep down truly thought that, that it has crushed my spirit. Now I pray for God to restore me to where HE wants me.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, February 04, 2001

S1

I wrote a very long time ago about my first marriage and the verbally abusive, as well as physically abusive marriage I was in. I was able to get away after 24 years and start a new life. I went to counseling and read many books during and after my divorce. The one thing that kept coming up in counseling and reading was "Trust your feelings" You know we have those gut feelings that tell us something is wrong. The first man I met after my divorce was wonderful and charming, and I ignored those gut feelings....It is harder when they are so attentive, and verbally abusive just once in a while, and then soooo sorry. I had those gut feelings with the first man I dated after the divorce, but I again ignored those feelings.....for a while at least, but I woke up....I spent too much time with my ex, and just could never go there again....then, recently, I met another man,,,he was not as attentive, a good point my mother told me...it is as it should be,,,afterall, the first two men in my life were charmers, then turned the anger on to control...this guy, on the other hand was not a charmer, what you see, is what you get,,,I learned in counseling that my mom was a source of me not trusting my feelings.........she always denies my reality......anyway,,,I kept getting gut feelings about this guy, but again I kept doubting myself...I played quite an internal dialogue over this guy,,,he loves me, he loves me not...this is normal,, right?? my mother says it is...it does not matter that he does not treat me the way I want to be treated.,,,,my sister-in-law told me I was too picky...it feels wrong, I am too picky, it is how it is suppose to be. Wow, guess what, all those gut feelings I had about this guy,,,the ones that I kept trying to ignore...they are true. Listen to your feelings. Listen to your gut instincts....If it does not feel right, it is not right. I realize, I meet a guy, and I try to make it work. It may be all wrong, but I just keep trying to make it work. My lesson, trust those feelings......You know if you are being treated wrong. You feel it......listen to those feelings.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, February 04, 2001

S1

I just found this site and am so grateful there is a name for this thing that's been making me so unhappy for so long. I am married 14 years to an alcoholic/verbal abuser. He got sober after one year of marriage and I became a faithful Alanon member, but after the children were born, we both drifted from the program, he more than I. I still went sporadically to meetings and talked to my sponsor, who is still a dear friend. But he stayed sober for eight years without AA. Starting drinking again four years ago and in earnest two years ago, escalating to uncontrolled drinking and marijuana use the last two years. The drinking was bad, but the worst part was his constant harassing of me that I needed help, I was sick, I was abnormal, my sex drive was abnormal, he wasn't being unfaithful to me, just trying to make me jealous. I was so depressed until finally back in October I went to a therapist and she thought maybe I was being verbally abused and intimidated. It was like the light broke! I started becoming more assertive and I think that's why the alcohol abuse got worse after that. So we are separated now. I am hoping that therapy will cure his problem, but I just wonder, does it ever really work? I haven't heard many success stories, just "Three months later, he was back to his old tricks." I need feedback on that. I'm not sure I'm up to going through this all again, or putting the kids through it. The last two weeks, the game playing is already in full swing, "Your mother says we have to separate. She needs six months," always making me the bad guy. He turns them against me and then agrees it is wrong to do that and he won't do it again. So I'm going to be very cautious because I don't want to do this again a year from now. My therapist knew what was going on, but he doesn't like her (wonder why!) so we are starting a new one. Hope this one is very familiar with this problem; if not, I will go back to old one, even if she is more expensive and I have to borrow money to do it. But tell me, is there hope? Do they ever recover? And how can you really tell when they lie so much?

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, February 06, 2001

S1

Hi, I have been struggling with this issue for years. In fact I have always thought my husband was selfish and treated his mother really badly. He was always making her feel worthless and stupid and she never said anything to stop it. I was determined that I would not stand for this kind of treatment and I told him he needed to treat his mother better. This was 10 years ago. Little by little he began to do the same things to me, only it was different and much more subtle. He would say things like "Oh don't worry about me you just go out and have fun, I don't mind staying home alone." Then when I would go he would throw it in my face every time we had an argument. "All you care about is yourself and your friends, they are more important than me." What he never admitted though was I always asked him to come along but he wouldn't. He started to do this with everything I did. We would go out (with his friends because he would never go out with mine) and when we were driving home he would say things like "Why did you say that to Bob, what is wrong with you?" "All of my friends think you are a b----!" He would tell me not to behave a certain way because everyone else didn't like it. "Why cant you just shut up and not tell everyone your opinion all the time, people don't like that they will stop hanging around with us." Then he would start a fight or treat me badly and say it was all my fault when I got angry and reacted to his treatment. He blamed everything on me, our bad sex life especially. He was the only man I had ever been with and he said things like "you have a problem and you need to go see someone about it, none of my other girlfriends had a problem."

It went on from there. He started calling me names. He had been pressuring me to move in with him and finally used something I did to convince me that I should do it. We moved in together and were going on a weekend trip. It was my job to do the food shopping for our camping trip. He had casually mentioned he wanted some type of chicken and I went shopping. When I came back I realized I had forgotten the chicken. He went into a rage, saying that I was useless and that I was stupid and how could I forget the chicken, what was wrong with me. I was confused and angry. I really didn't think it was that big of a deal I thought we could just pick it up on the way, but he insisted that I was committing some kind of crime and I went back to the store and got the chicken. I felt horrible for going back, I knew that what he had just done was wrong but I couldn't fight back because I felt like someone just punched me in the stomach hard. This type of thing continued and finally I confronted him and told him he was abusive and that it needed to stop. I even left him for one month and he started to change. I went back and said we needed counseling. I picked a counselor that and we went twice. He said that the counselor was an idiot and that "I picked the wrong counselor." How could I have picked this person that was not a Psychologist but a "social worker", obviously I really didn't care about our relationship and he wasn't going anymore. I left again, and went back. I am struggling because this past weekend we got into a fight because I was not doing as much housework as he was. He got angry and called me names like stupid and so on then he threw the remote control across the room and broke it. He has also broken my car window and kicked a dent in my car in the past. I realize that he is abusive but I also realize that I have done allot to contribute to this relationship going bad. I have reacted badly and exhibited major passive aggressive behavior. I have been too scared to talk about how I feel for fear of being yelled at or called crazy. I know I need to take responsibility but I just am not sure what to do next. It helps to read what others have been through. I just still feel like I need to do more and I am not sure why. I really don't even think I like him anymore. I know it would be wise to leave and I want to leave but I just would like to know if there is something I can do before I leave.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, February 08, 2001

S1

This Monday, after the most wonderful year of my life, my fiancée calls suddenly and tells me we are through..I really had no hint. We've been through allot and always bounced back. She claims she doesn't love me anymore? Yet our being together was so unlikely it was surely a miracle. She was all I had wanted, and more than I imagined. I have never met another girl on the face of the earth like her, and I was convicted she was the only one for me. She says thing about us needing to get our lives together. I agree there, but I cannot believe that after what has transpired, that there is not some spark of love deep inside her, and WHY she would not just SAY that instead of just stabbing me through the heart with saying she doesn't love me. We are a match, and she has turned down others to stay by me. She has also been through abuse and problems, and there is a counselor helping her through some abuse issues. I don't know if this is something the counselor could have done to her, she had just had a session the day before she called. sometimes those things can make you a bit unable to think rationally. I don't know how she could "not love me." She's had numerous opportunities to dump me, but we always worked it out. all I wanted from life was her, and now it's as if I only can taste it then it flies away. She's the only woman I can love, so please. pray this is just temporary and that inside she really does love me. I could take separation for a time, if only I knew she loved me just a little. Do any of you have experiences like this? I wonder if maybe the counseling is just making her feel so guilty or confused that she just really wants to step back until she is emotionally better, because I CANNOT believe she just turns off love that fast, and the day she went for counseling, she talked to me before, and she was just as loving as ever. it's pretty hard to fake adoration?? Anyhow, this counselor is the type of person that would probably be prying into OUR history. she, she's had several bad guys. and I am concerned if she tells this counselor about some of our arguments, this lady might get the wrong idea. especially since most of the guys before me were only interested in sex, and I am afraid if it comes out that we have been slightly physically intimate, this woman might think I'm the same as all the others. NOT HAVING A REASON FOR ANY OF THIS IS SO HARD...anyone have ANY advice to offer??

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, February 09, 2001

S1

I have been married for 30 years. I was very young when I married. For the first several years we had a good time and I remember happiness. I had a short affair eleven years into the marriage. I think now I was seeking something that was not present in the marriage and acting out a bit because I had been so young when I married. I am ashamed of that behaviour. I went to therapy. I asked my husband to come to, but he refused. He did admit that he had been distant and felt partly responsible. I have tried to talk to him about this, but he never has really talked about it. After this, he began to be more present in the relationship.

Nine or ten years ago, I began to become "conscious" of the unhealthy pattern of verbal abuse in our relationship. We would be trying to make a decision about something. He would become angry. I would try to talk to him about he conflict. He would become angrier. I would end up apologizing often to "keep the peace." There would be a period of several days of him sulking and not talking. (Again, taking his bad behaviour out on me)! There is never any apology for his behaviour and never any resolution to the conflict because of his refusal to discuss it or his escalating anger. I was in allot of emotional pain. I felt very alone. I went back into counseling. I was shocked to hear my counselor use the term "verbal abuse." I believe that I thought I was in a "normal" relationship. My parents had an abusive relationship, and I thought that every marriage has its "ups and downs."

By this time we had had three children. I had always worked part time and depended on my husband's income for support. I began to work on myself and to read allot. Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," came to me as I looked through a bookstore's shelves. I realized that my husband uses just about every tactic in that book! He especially rages at me, yelling with intense anger. Later he withholds and refuses to discuss any arguments, so nothing is ever resolved. If I try to talk about anything he accuses me of "nagging" and starting another argument. Often his anger escalates or he storms out of the house and leaves. (He always returns in a few hours though)!

He has occasionally thrown things at me. I feel I am walking on eggshells, because I never know when he will get upset. I can never "do the right thing." I have begun to have panic attacks and have difficulty sleeping, I realize this is have an effect of my health as well as on my mental health.

A n innocent conversation can become an argument. He often counters everything I suggest, although he accuses me of never "partnering" with him and supporting him and often says I am calling him "an asshole." (Which I have never done). Everything is difficult. I feel so much emotional pain. I am an intelligent, creative woman, but I do not seem to be able to make a decision to leave.

He has tries to control all our income. I am always in trouble for spending too much (on groceries)! He got angry the other day because I had my eyes examined and thought the optician had charged too much. I have noticed that everyone else is a jerk and nothing anyone does is ever good enough. Professional relationships almost always end up with him getting pissed off at the other person for some reason. He seems to be addicted to anger.

I am very empathetic ( an artist and a Gemini), and I feel sorry for him. His mother is extremely verbally abusive. I believe they both may have Borderline Personality Disorders. I have pointed out that his behaviour towards me is very much the same as his mothers behaviour. (Of course, that only causes more anger). (Is this abusive on my part)? The other day he was complaining about his boss yelling at him and telling me he almost quit his job. When I responded that it is not nice to be yelled at, he said "I get it," in an angry tone and stomped off angrily.

I suppose this is complete denial. Although sometimes I can see that it is fear that he is covering up with the rage, and his own lack of decision making that he tries to put back on to me somehow.

I have focused on myself and I have grown through all of this and the help I have sought. I now have a wonderful job. I opened my own checking account and got a credit card to establish some financial independence. This was difficult, there was allot of raging over this, as you can imagine! I keep a few hundred dollars in my checking account each month , but put the main part of my salary in a joint checking account. He has an IRA in his name that he puts in a separate account that only he has control over. He told me the other day that I was selfish and taking money away from things the family needed, like our children's education by doing this! I did get the card without asking his opinion or permission. This was after he had refused to discuss where I was going to get some money from for an out of town business trip I needed to go on for my job and I decided that I could not be put in that kind of situation again.

I have allot of friends, go out on my own with other girlfriends and am active in the community.

Intellectually, I know that I would be fine, better off in fact, not to live in this confusion and pain. However, I do not seem to be able to leave. I am about to get support from a therapist and try to find a support group and get the courage up to leave. I feel so sad that I have stayed in this relationship for so long, hanging on to the hope that it would improve, that he would be able to accept responsibility for his behaviour and work to change. I am at the point where I can see that that is never going to be the case and I believe that the emotional and physical cost of living in such a stressful environment is too high a price to pay. I do worry about my children though. He is a good father to them and doesn't act out on them the way he does on me. Although his "bad moods" sometimes leach out onto them.

I am also afraid. I fear he will be very abusive when I leave. I am afraid that he may try to prevent me from getting a fair share of our savings. I am afraid because I do not have any family in this country. I worry about how the divorce will hurt my children, although I know that they are being hurt because they sense the tension and hear the arguments.

Thanks for listening.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, February 09, 2001

S1

Okay I really need some feedback. I have written once before but not on the board. I was married when I was sixteen to a man that was 21. I was not pregnant at the time when we married, I had my first child when I was 19. I got married to him because my parents were divorced and I didn't really have any structure to my life and I met him he was cute and nice and could take care of me. But when I married I didn't realize that I would be losing all my friends. And it wasn't really of the fact that I was married it was because they all disliked the way he talked to me. I would tell me that I was stupid and dumb and that I would never go anywhere in life. So when I was working I asked a lady at work if was wrong to buy something without having your husbands okay? She said no. Well that started it for me. When he would be mean to me I would go out and buy me something to make me feel better. Well that turned into allot of money. I got a job in another town and was making good money, actually more than him!!! He found out one day about all the bills and asked why I had done this. When I told him that it was because of the low self-esteem he gave me, he would not take responsibility for it. That it was only my fault and no one else's. So then at the job that I had I began to steal money from them, and I was in about 15,000, then my world came apart and he found out that I had be stealing and he and my mom got the money and paid my job off. So, he left me and filled for divorce but wanted to make it work and so I went back. I got another job and he said that he would give me money that I was not to handle the checkbook, but that pissed me off I guess because I thought he was controlling me again. Well I took 4300 and went to jail this time. But he still managed to stay buy me. I went to debtors anonymous and that was great, I didn't know that they had a program like that. That saved me. Well we still managed to stay together and he was still verbally mean to me. So then I found out that he was seeing someone else but he will not admit to sleeping with her. But I believe in my heart and the signs that he did. So I decided to make it work and gave it 100%. And he knows this. But now I am so confused that I don't want to be married to him anymore. My friends and family have told me that they don't know how I have stuck it out this long. That he is not a nice person. He went to school at a late age and I did everything I took care of everything, I use to be a very fragile person, but the last year I have become very strong and I feel like it is time for me to leave. My kids are wanting me to leave too! That's bad. They don't like to be alone with him when I am at my second job (which he made me get). I told him in July that I was not happy and I wanted to move out and I couldn't find a place to leave so I stand and we met with the pastor, which was a joke. He kept saying marriage is for better or worse, well hell if it's bad I'm not staying. So now I have tried to make myself make it work and I just can't seem to get passed all the years that he was mean and then he takes it out on the kids and they don't like him either. They are happy when he goes out of town. When your kids tell you "mommy your not happy you need to be happy" that should tell me something. I have found a house and they are holding it for me, so now I just have to get the balls up to leave. But I don't want to hurt him, why I don't why. My mom always tells me that it's my decision and whatever I do she is behind me but she says that I need to get those girls out of there. He was off one day and I knew he was on the internet and my 14 year old daughter got on that night and pulled the drop box and saw pompon with like 3 or 4 hits. So I told her to close it and we would look at it later, so the next morning we pulled it up and the first sight was teen porn, which about killed my daughter. She changed it quickly and we looked at the others briefly but that just has about killed my daughter she has cried and cried. She doesn't want her daddy looking at those things. I feel like he is looking because I don't want to have sex with him, only on the weekends and once at that. He know that I have distance myself from him, but I guess he doesn't want to admit failure. He is in a very high position just in the last few weeks and I hate to leave him right now, but I feel like that this is a sign. The house I have spoken for has been vacant for a year and me and my daughter would always walk by it and I would tell myself that that would make us a good house. Well it's mine now! Now I just have to find the balls to break this mans heart. Any replies will be appreciated. michellebise@hotmail.com

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, February 09, 2001

S1

Hi, 2 months ago I left a man who I was with for 3 years. He had become verbally abusive. I left him for another man. The man I am with now is from Venezuela and was very charming in the beginning. Well in the last 2 months I have come to fall in love with him and he with me. But we have realized that he gets very mean when he drinks, and is obsessive with me. We get into arguments if I talk on the phone when I get home from work, if I leave work early, or if I am late from work, if I have a friend over. He gets me to where I am an emotional mess. Then he apologizes. He said he doesn't want to lose me and will go to counseling which he starts next week. But I don't know what to do. He tells me he cannot live without me that he realized he has a problem and wants me to help him get help. I can't turn my back on him.. but like last night my best friend came over at 9:30 at night crying. I spent 45 minutes helping her to feel better. When I went back to bed (he stays with me) he started on me. "Why don't you just go sleep with your friend then!" He goes into these cruel verbal tantrums but after he gets over them he cries and begs for my forgiveness. I know I am vulnerable right now, but I don't know what to do. He needs my help and I feel love for him as he is a really incredible man when he isn't drinking or acting like this. The other thing is that he wants sex every night maybe 3-4 times a day. If I don't give it to him he will throw a tantrum and leave the room. He also says he has a problem with this also. He says he just needs to feel that I love him and that I have no other men in my life. I told him I cannot give up my entire life for him. He says I don't understand because he has nobody in this country except for me. If I were in Venezuela I would feel differently he says if it were the other way around. But sometimes, when we have sex it hurts me ( I get sore) and he does it anyway. I do it so I don't have to see him get mad and throw a child-like tantrum. I am in therapy but he told me if I go to my therapist again he was going to leave him. So I told him to leave then. But he didn't. Everyday it is something like this. But once he gets over it he is so wonderful ... Am I crazy???? What is going on?? Should I hang in there while he goes to therapy? He seems so depressed that he is so jealous and wants so badly to change. He doesn't have a car or anything as he is a tourist here. So I take him everywhere and do so much for him. He says he is praying to God every night to help him to heal and be a better man with me. He is the one who asked me to make an appt. with a therapist. What do I do?? I love him so much.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, February 11, 2001

S1

Dear Dr. Irene,

I just discovered your web page last night when I was despite to talk to someone and just needed advice and a guiding hand. I am sitting here thinking to myself "WHY?" And I don't have an answer! I don't know why your husband of almost 8 years can tell you he loves you one minute and call you names another minute. I have worn bruises, but they go away. The name calling does not go away. It sticks to me like glue. I wish sometimes I didn't care and words would not hurt me. I wish I knew that I was doing the right thing by getting out of this relationship. I do not have any children because of this. It wood not be fair to little person to suffer and hear the yelling and abusive words. Please help me, I know this is not right but why can he not stop and realize what is going on. My husband told me the reason he calls me names is because he calls what he sees in front of him. He said he likes to be mean so I will stay away and leave him alone.

This is not Love

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 12, 2001

S1

I lost my best friend some time ago. Wrapped in addiction, lost to the demons of her sole. Not afraid to reach out and herself be found, she took faiths hand and walked to its sound. I wrote that 20 years ago, right after I got out of treatment, for freebasing cocaine. Those words were so real to me then. I had, lost myself, but I really didn't know it, like I thought I did. I was just a party girl. I liked to get high. Cocaine did get a hold and it took me 2 years of in and out of treatment centers and half way houses, to let go of it. I new I couldn't do coke again. It scared me to think of spending another 9 months in my room, hitting that pipe. I didn't look like I thought a drub addict should look. Hanging around dark, musty, hallways of tenement buildings, wasn't where I was at. Yet I knew I had a problem. Drugs and emotional problems haunted my whole life. I lost my best friend some 2 years ago. Afraid to reach out and say she needed help, she dug in deep and ever since she hasn't felt. Threes no hand taking horseshoes kept a secret, I don't think its what she deserves. She wont look in the mirror and see its not her anymore its we. My nightmare is back. I'm smoking crank and I cant stop. I don't know if I can keep fighting and waging a war on something that's so strong. There wasn't anyone that knew at all, until a week ago. I wrote on another webs site, just to ask about the withdrawals Id experience, when I stopped. I couldn't ask anyone I knew. I see a shrink, I have a counselor that visits me at home once a week, I have family and friends. There wasn't anyone that knew me well enough, to know I was in trouble. I wanted them to be mind readers ,I guess. My nightmare is back and this time its waging a war on me. I know what I am. I also know that I was never going to work at getting clean, if I picked up again. I would not tell anyone. I couldn't stand to see my kids disappointed faces. I didn't want to hear the judgment in their voices, and I surely didn't want to see the backs of their heads as they walk away, and maybe not come back. I can't stop. I can't stop. I'm tired of my demons and shadows haunting me. I'm tired of being an island. I just don't know if I have it in me to go it again. Besides my drug addition to meth, I have a mental illness.At times it keeps me from being able to do things I need to do. I had lived with my boyfriend for 8 years. He took care of the things, I couldn't. I left him in July or June of this year. Crank does help me to get up and get out. I'm afraid to lose that ability. No excuse, plain fact is, it helps. I did finally tell my counsler the other day. She was shocked. My shrink and her, had just told me of my wonderful changes I have been making. I looked so bright eyed, I was getting out to the store, spending time doing little things, that at one time would of been milestones for me. I knew the truth. So now, I'm telling you. I wanted to try to be honest and straight forward, but sometimes that fear pops up and it changes everything for me. I am afraid of the withdrawals. I heard that it could be bad. I also heard that the chances of staying away from crank weren't real good. Hellloooooo, are you there. Are you listening. Are you hearing me. Please Don't turn away. There's already been to many days of sliding thru time hoping things will get better, yet knowing they won't. I'm strung out on crystal methamphetamine. I cant stop. I don't want to go it alone. If need be, I'll wage another war. I won't throw in the white flag. I know this is my battle, I am just scared and afraid of doing it alone again. I'm done now. I'll see how tomorrow is.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 12, 2001

S1

Please read my story at the end of this email and let me know how you can help me. My pastor told me that Buddy fits the profile of a sociopath, one who has no guilt, no remorse, and don't believe he is ever wrong. I contacted police and the district attorney asking them to investigate Buddy's sexual affair with the 17 year old and prosecute him for statutory rape, but they are very luke warm, saying how they have enough current cases involving 14 and 15 year olds, so they don't have time to research into a case involving a 17 year old who has now turned 18. This man needs to be punished, or needs to seek psychiatric help, I believe he is insane!!! One time I did suggest Buddy to seek counseling, his reply was that 'My only problem is that I'm just too smart for this world.'

Cheers Judy When I met Buddy, I thought I was in heaven. He is charming, handsome, and extremely brilliant. He went to Harvard University, he is the founder of a pharmaceutical company in Silicon Valley, he is from a doctor family, and has distinguished and accomplished sibling who is the CEO of NFL team Tennessee Titans. I loved and adored this man and did my best to be the most loving, caring, attentive, fun, emotionally supportive, financially helpful, sexually exciting girlfriend as one can possibly be. I am the oldest child in my family and he is the youngest in his, so that might explain our behavior in the relationship. We went out for the entire year of 1999, and he broke up with me in early 2000. His parting words were "I know you always wanted to marry me, but I am a special person, you are just a nobody." Needless to say I felt into a severe depression. I recovered after many visits to the therapist, being with good friends, and focusing on my new job. I don't understand how he can be so cruel to me after one year of dating during which he did say he loves me, etc. In September 2000, I couldn't resist the temptation to call him and it turned out he was happy to see me, so the relationship started again. Then he confessed to me that after he ditched me the first time, he started to have a sexual relationship with a 17 year old girl until she went to school in Boston in September 2000. Buddy is 45, and I'm 37. You can imagine my shock and disgust. His own daughter is 13 years old!!! He cried and said he made a mistake and that how he always loved me and knew I was the right girl for him, etc. Being a Christian, I forgave him. One caveat -- Buddy says he and the young girl had gotten into a car accident in Boston and walked away from the scene and got charged. His court appearance date was set for January 18, 2001. He said he was afraid the girl would sue him, so he has to be very nice to her until the court hearing is over such that if she wants money, he gives money, if she wants time, he'll see her, if she wants sex, he provides. He says that if I can persevere pass January 18, he will marry me. Being the stupidest woman in love I believed him and also lend him over $200,000 to help him with a financial problem he was having. I waited and waited and January 18 came and went and he got off clean from the charges. On January 20, I discovered that the girl was still spending the night over at his place!! I rang the door bell and when Buddy ran down, I was very upset and cried and screamed. He couldn't give me a reason why the girl was still sleeping over even though his promised date of January 18 has came and went. Buddy calmed me down by saying that he is very close to dump the girl, and told me to go shopping and start looking at engagement rings, and that he wants to marry me and told me to go home and wait for him for dinner that night. Well, 9:00pm he showed up, with that 17 year old, and he humiliated me in front of her by saying to me "forget it, I'm not marrying you, get out of my life." He said he didn't mean it when he proposed to me earlier in the afternoon, that he only said it to calm me down so I would leave. Keep in mind that at this point he still owes me over $200,000, and has the nerve to dump me in such inhuman manner!!! My question is, how can a man behave like a beast? I am beginning to think he is not human anymore. It's been so painful that I can't even cry, it's almost like I'm in shock. This man has 2 handicap children, you think he should have more compassion and love within himself to treat people, especially lovers, with tenderness and kindness. Please help with any advise you may have. I've hired a lawyer to help me get my money back, but the emotional damage and abuse he has inflicted will scar me for life.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, February 13, 2001

S1

Verbal abusers may have borderline personality disorder. There is treatment for it. See www.BPDCentral.com

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, February 13, 2001

S1

02/13/01

Hi, my name is Robert.

I just discovered this site last week, and I felt some of my prayers had been answered; especially that of understanding the abuser/victim relationship. Dr. Irene M.,Judge and the readers who responded to "Alan's" story, if you're reading this, thanks for the wonderful web site and information--it has helped me greatly these past few days.

I'm not sure just what sort of learning experience I'm going through, or if I, or the situation, or whatever is wrong, etc., but I have a problem with either accepting a hurt that is present in my life, or perhaps a problem with still looking for an answer while my better intuition waits for my mind to fully comprehend what has, and perhaps is, going to happen regardless.

Here's my dilemma:

I'm a bachelor. Age 51. Never married. Never had children. Would like to get married and have children with the right lady.

I met a single 41 year old female while working together. The female, who I'll call Candy, was married once, but briefly for all of "2 days" according to her, and was going through a pending divorce from that marriage when I met her.

Candy made the first move. She needed someone to talk to about her ex-husband, pending divorce, "a friend" to help her over her hurt and confusion (which, being the empathetic person I am, let her vent on my shoulder). I never felt for Candy in either a romantic or any other substantial way at the beginning. As Candy became more open with her feelings she also opened up more of her self in other ways; specifically sex--[First red flag that told me to stop]. I told her that I did not want a relationship, but only hugging and holding (so to speak). She also assured me that is what she also just wanted.

Well, one thing led to another and we both enjoyed making love for several months to each others delight. However, when real talking began to occur, I noticed a lack of true communication--[Another red flag]. This lack of verbal communication often ended up in Candy accusing me of, "You're just like my ex-husband." In good faith all I wanted to do was establish an honest and open communication (something pivotal in any positive, loving and enhancing relationship -- at least that is what I beloved, and what I had been used to). However, the more I, we, tired to communicate, the more it became obvious "we" just weren't working out--[Another red flag].

I could have walked away at that time, however, and admitting that I have a vice of yearning to make love and hold a woman in my arms (more so with Candy since she freely gave of herself to me), I kept coming back to her and/or we kept finding ourselves back in each others arms (only again to be followed by tit-for-tat arguments).

Unable to just let the hugging and loving go (call me weak for seeing the "red flags" but not wanting to let the human touch go), we time and time again kept coming back to each other until "we" finally ended up getting pregnant (I say "we" because she got herself pregnant just as much as I helped her at it).

Needless to say Candy wanted me to jump with joy when she first told me of the pregnancy, but instead I felt and said just the opposite; in fact wanting an abortion (which, however, that thought quickly left my mind, but without first expressing it to Candy--which she has yet to forgive me for). Without elaborating on too many more facts (if only for the sake of the reader), we now have a two month old son named Cody, who I feel should not have to suffer for our (or my) mistake in having acted with the wrong head (so to speak) instead of having first pulled away from Candy and re-evaluating the situation clearly prior to her becoming pregnant.

As of date Candy is apparently still mad at me for failing "to come up to bat" and marry her during the pregnancy (despite my pleas to her that we needed to work on communication etc.) and, she refuses to let me see her or the child. She has also started custody and child support proceedings, and further refuses to give Cody my last name although I have acknowledged him in the court... It appeared that no matter what I tried to do before, during the pregnancy, and after the birth of Cody either: (1) does not make sense to Candy (since she feels, or felt, I have all the problems), or (2) my efforts are either twisted back in my face or I'm told that I'm the one who needs therapy.

We did briefly go to a therapist, and they indicated that I was a gray person, while Candy was a black/white person. I felt somewhat relieved in perhaps understanding the/a core of the problem between Candy and I (in that I would give the benefit of the doubt, but she would often take things either one way or not). However, it was to my great surprise and "Ah-ha" experience in reading about "Alan" on this site (re: abuser/victim scenario) that I felt perhaps Candy and I were in that same sort of relationship.

I have since pondered as to who is/was the victim, and who is/was the abuser in Candy and my past/present relationship; however (and assuming we really are in an abuser/victim relationship), it appears we both are/were at times.

I feel however in my heart that Candy is more of an abuser since throughout our relationship she often mentioned the need to have "control" in her life, needed get her "power" back (indicating that her ex-husband screwed up her head), and that no one would take her power or control from her. In one way I know what she meant by having control of "her" power, but in another way I also saw how she could manipulate other people into doing just about anything she wanted (even resorting to the point of throwing a temper tantrum until getting it).

However, and despite having made in what I believe was good faith effort to listen 100% when she was talking, as well as much effort in trying to communicate with a loving voice, touch and action, I often felt and still do) that I was walking on egg-shells (something I can now appreciate from reading about Alan), began doubting myself more than normal, as well as felt "confused" following many of Candy's verbal lashing at me in telling me that I was doing something wrong, had the problems, should grow up, it was my fault, etc., etc.

I now find myself feeling rejected by her (since Candy has told me to leave both she and Cody alone), and, I am having a very hard time accepting the hurt of perhaps it's all over between she and I. I also feel hurt in that Cody needs both a mother a father to grow with (more so the biological parents), but that opportunity is also being denied a chance by Candy. Her answer to me today is, "Let me see how good you'll be as a father to Cody, and perhaps I might let you talk to me... but, as for "us," we are over."

I know that I can't change another person or their feelings or responses, but I'm at that "dammed it you do, dammed if you don't" point in my thinking and heart, and maybe just trying to prevent the inevitable hurt.

Perhaps Candy was, and is, really a very together person, and perhaps I was an abuser and didn't even know it. Regardless, if anyone out there has been in a similar situation where the mother of the child refuses to work on "us" anymore, and indicates that she will only allow visitation as deemed by the court in seeing the child, please give me some insight... I'm hoping I'm being too hard on myself and that Candy and I would have never worked out anyway, or that I'm having trouble with rejection, but, if I can make it work out between she and I, that is what I would like... I feel I understand the wisdom of, "you can only be responsible for your own feelings, actions and behavior." However, if Candy is an abuser, that is one thing (assuming she really is for sake of argument), but, if she is not and is only deeply hurt for whatever reason, then I am attempting to err on the side of trying to make it work between us.

Therefore, my question: HOW DO YOU GET INTO THE HEART AND SOUL OF A WOMAN WHO FEELS SCORN, MORE SO, ONE WHO HAS BORN YOUR CHILD AND THINKS YOU'RE A "MANIPULATOR," ETC.?

Thanks for any replies or insight.

Robert

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, February 14, 2001

S1

WHY AM I SO DUMB......

I am so glad to have found your site, and know that I am not the only one...

I am 40 and on hubby (or should I say "devil") no.4.....

When I was 18 I married a man of 25, we were married almost 7 years, At that time I didn't drink, worked hard, always seemed to have fun....but a few years later his physical and mental abuse started...At 22 I had our daughter, and I grew up when she was two I left...

Life was very difficult, I had never been on my own, and now had a child, I continued to work, and was consistently having to fight for child support, about a year after our divorce, I meet devil no.3

He was tall dark and handsome.....we dated for a little while and then got married, I soon found out how much he drank, and that he really didn't like kids, or should I say the responsibility of having one, not like having a dog, where you can just come and go as you please...I was living in one state at the time, when I left I went to my parents in another state...a few months later he joins me, again, it want going to work but we decide to move to Atlanta, this is where he was form and I liked the state, think a new start would help we move, it didn't his drinking got worse and the physical abuse started, I left....

Again, on my own and now my daughter was about 6, and I was still having to fight for child support, and trying to work, for awhile I was happy and working 2 jobs, making ends meet, and started going out (to clubs) something I had really never down before, by this time I was nearly 30,

Then I met the Devil himself.....I had been drinking (only learn how to do that a year before) and I was no pro at judging men much less loser.....so I got all wrap up in this one, he was in town for a job, and would be there awhile, well the whole time he was there he was prince charming himself....when the job came to an end he asked if I would go back to the state he was from, so I loaded up the truck and moved the family start into he**.

He was pleasant at first, so I didn't see it coming, then one evening he just doesn't come home, and leaves me and my child, not knowing one sole, the closest store was about 20 miles away and we had no money....when he did show up 3 days later, he acted as though nothing was wrong, and stated pushing me around and throwing things, all settle for a little while and it happened again, I didn't feel safe, and sent my daughter to her father's until I could get us out of there....I got a restraining order which did no good, he would wait on me to get off work and hide into he house, bushed, kick the door in whatever he could.....he broke my arm, busted my nose, would hit me while I was driving down the street, it was terrible........finally I got myself and my daughter out of there...

Now I was happy, until No. 4, we met a few years ago, and I am not sure when he moved in, the next thing I knew he was there, what I didn't know was what was waiting for me.....he is 8 years younger than I......We had separated for a few months, and one day he saw an "ex" in my car....that happened almost 4 years ago, we have now been married almost three, and to this day, I am constantly being accuse of the seeing this guy, which I haven't, he is always , looking thought my things and checking my under clothes....just recently my daughter has turned 18, yep, you guessed, she has decided that she is all grown up and left home....It nearly broke my heart the way it came about, but in a way I couldn't blame her, who wanted, to hang around hearing this man yelling and screaming all of the time....things will settle down, and then he starts again, when she left home the first time and I thought my heart would break in two, he came in one night (had been drinking and said you are such a b*&(), no wonder your daughter left, I bet your dog leaves next.....Just recently we over to a friends house, we had all been out in my Jeep, just driving though the country, he starts to show his butt, screaming and yelling, so I tell him to take me back to the house, we need to pick up our friend's son, anyway, the guys want back out and when got back he was so out of it he didn't know if he was coming or going, when we got home, he starting calling me names and throwing me around, the next morning I found a big dent in the back of my jeep....

last n night he came in and told how miserable I make him and he wants me to leave.....I told him no problem I had every intention of leaving as soon as I found a place and he fixed the truck....he started yelling at me again, and told me that he wasn't fixing the truck....

This morning, he acted as thought nothing has been happening and that he didn't mean anything he said and he downs want me to leave him....

This has been going on with us for nearly 5 years.....I can't take anymore, of course I love him, and I found myself falling right into his trap, you know, the one where I end up screaming and yelling because I can't take it anymore, and then I look like the idiot......

Help me, I can't take this anymore....I can't handle this...

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, February 14, 2001

S1

January 30, 2001 Dear Dr. Irene:

Thank you for letting me share. Your website has truly been my lifeline for help.

In August 1999, I thought I found my soul mate. Everything was so perfect between us in the beginning few months. Then, a little verbal snip here and there. Nothing real serious. He wanted to "make me over". Oh, he was loving about it. It was all for me. Then another little snip, again, I'd dust myself off, and think, that didn't hurt. Then, snip, snip. Then, another. Then another little snip at me. It didn't hurt. I was tough. Oh, he was my lover, my friend. He was dressing me up and trying to make me over as "his woman." I was his "trophy girl" his "dream woman." We were closer than little bugs, he and I. We were "in love." I was unique, special, his lifeline. However, very subtly, first overt, then covert, the little snips between big snips. They began slowly then, after 6-9 months in the relationship, were daily, constant, relentless. I wasn't "thin enough", "too insecure", "no confidence" "what's the matter Sharon - why do you act so confused?" How come you get so quiet, reserved, defensive? "How come you don't share your opinions?" I was too everything. Or not enough of something. The behavior from him got more and more "bizarre." I felt crazy. Was it me? Hormones? We're we spending too much time together? By this time, this man became a weird monster and wanted his space - sometimes weeks at a time, because I started asking questions. No questions, he'd say. "I don't do "why" questions, he'd say. My needs were nonexistent, however, his needs were the priority. Sex, sex and more sex! Push me, pull me. Oh, how things were not the same as they were in the beginning! He would pull me in - then get close - then abuse me - and throw me out. I'd stand there stunned as though I'd been shot. Never, I'm sorry for being mean, being cruel, acting rueful. Just mind games, crazymaking, demeaning, bizarre, twisted, just plain outright cruel behavior.

Finally, I got books, got into therapy. I realized it was the real thing. It was what I thought. I was being abused. I was reading about myself in these books. I had to read about it, feel it, see it, before it finally sunk in that it was not me. I was not crazy, neurotic, or hormonal. I was in a toxic, abusive, addictive "love" relationship. And I was sinking fast!

I told him about it - actually many times over - he could have cared less. He says that people liked his toxic mouth. Nobody else has ever complained to him about it before. This man is 52, an unlicensed psychologist practicing psychology at a young man's institution for the state of California, and never had a real long term relationship with a woman.

Finally, 2 weeks ago, we had a big fight, one which I think could have been avoided but I think he staged (he tested me constantly) - again, to control me, because he now knows "I know." I got strong, started to make him accountable for his behavior, but he was not willing to get help - and all I asked from him was love, trust and respect. He couldn't even do that! And said so! He thinks its OK to verbally assault woman, and push them around when needed. Steal from them and take their souls, kill their spirit and kick them when they are down. He is a confirmed woman abuser. I know about this dragon inside of him now. He can't help himself. He is a 200 lb. boy- man with broken toys.

I think I learned enough about Dr. Psycho and saw enough red flags for a lifetime. Hopefully, this will only happen once to me. Continued therapy, regaining of my personal power and vigilance will be essential for my success.

Signed - Wise woman in training

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, February 15, 2001

S1

Life just isn't what it should be for this 22-year-old girl. Let's just say that this page makes me feel a bit better as I have endured my father's abuse for all of my life, as has my mother. I am sick of the constant tormenting, the picking fights without reason and the omnipresence of the f-word for as long as I can remember. I could never have friends over, never stay out or do normal kid's stuff and when I did decide to fill my life up with sports teams and extracurricular activities, my father only swore and complained that he had to take me (as he never stayed to watch in my 15 years of playing)

Things have only gotten progressively worse as I have gotten older and I fear that I am going to explode quite soon from the constant fit taking that he is all-too-ready to trigger. He always has to be right and God forbid if my mother and I do anything wrong, the whole neighborhood learns of it while also learning a few new choice words. I thought that I could deal with it, but the more and more my mother and I endure it, the closer and closer I come to blowing up. We walk on eggshells here and both my mother and I celebrate when he goes away on business. Lately, his screaming has gotten so loud and threatening that I am forced to drop what I am doing and go stand in the middle of them as I am afraid that he will get violent. This is not a healthy life for a girl my age, or any age.

I want to get on my feet so I can take my mother and get away from here. She wants to leave but we can't support ourselves so we continue to live like this. I don't welcome an ulcer in the next 5 years and the stress is becoming unbearable. Could someone please just lend me some kind words of encouragement as I really can't talk to anyone around here???

Thank you for any responses, Julie

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, February 16, 2001

S1

Anna's Story: I grew up in a dysfunctional, angry family, with a twist: it was my mother who was the verbal/emotional/physical abuser, and my father who was the victim. I am 34, divorced, Filipino American. I was born in the Philippines but came to America with my family (mom, dad and an older sister) at a very early age (four, I think, and sis was 5). In the Philippines, which is predominantly Catholic, divorce is taboo. It's the worst thing you can do short of murdering your kids. So although my mother was a very angry, verbally/physically/emotionally abusive person to my father, the idea of my father divorcing my mother was unthinkable. In the first place it would have been looked down upon by other Filipino's who would have regarded it as abandoning your family. In the second place, divorce meant you would go to hell. Thus, my parents stayed together throughout my stormy childhood and my sister and I, unfortunately, paid the heaviest price. I remember feeling fear, anxiety, and wanting to run away. My mother used to hurl the most horrible insults at my dad. She would also hit him, push him down the stairs, etc. right in front of us. But what ironically makes me angriest, is that my father did not defend himself. He just took it. It was his way of revenge: by making my mother feel guilty. By not defending himself, he failed to defend ME and my sister from witnessing such horrible acts. He failed to be the knight in shining armor we all want our dads to be, especially if you're a woman. My mother was also very verbally and physically abusive to me and my sister. There are insults and curses in the Filipino language (called "tagalong") that I can't even find an adequate translation for in English. It's that thing: something is lost in the translation. Anyway, I can't blame my mom, because she got this anger from her father, a cold, domineering, cruel, bully of a man who beat her up with a wooden chair when she was 16 years old. The reason for the beating was because she went to a high school prom against his wishes. As the eldest, she was responsible for taking care of her 5 younger siblings. This responsibility was foisted on her at the age of 10. If any of them got hurt, even slightly, she would be the one who was beat up by her dad. She grew up to hate men. I suspect she was also sexually abused by my grandfather. He was a horrible man. When he died, my uncle (my mother's younger brother) said he would dance on the old man's grave and spit on it as well. Anyway, my mother chose a man totally different than her father when she got married: somebody quiet, passive. But there were a lot of similarities too: my dad was uncommunicative, unaffectionate, and critical. She got married too to escape the parental abuse. In those days in the Philippines (the 1950s and 60s) you could only leave your family if you got married. It was her only escape hatch and she took it. But she took her anger too, and then transferred all of it to my dad and me and my sister. My mother would scream at us, hit us, punish us for seemingly illogical reasons. She just didn't make sense, and she was unpredictable. So like a set of dominoes, I then grew up with this anger. I then got married to a man who was like my father: quiet, a loner. Also uncommunicative and unaffectionate. I started turning into my mother. I yelled, screamed, spit at him. One day when I was pregnant my ex-husband had had enough. He struck me and I fell back across the bed. The shock was unbelievable. My marriage was just like my parents. After my daughter was born, the fighting and arguing (but no more hitting) continued. I remembered what it was like growing up with my angry, bitter parents, and I decided to divorce. I would not put my daughter through what I went through. Anything was better than that. I've been divorced two years now. After the divorce, I became involved with a seemingly charming man 13 years older than me. (I seem to have a father figure complex; my ex-husband was 11 years older than me). I was not ready to become involved again. I have always been insecure, despite the fact that friends say I am intelligent and attractive. I always think a man will leave me for somebody "better." My insecurity was exacerbated by my recent divorce, sale of my home, etc. I demanded more from my exboyfriend than he was willing to give. Too, I didn't read the danger signs about HIM early on in the relationship: the fact that other than his first disastrous marriage in his 20s (he was now 45), he had never been able to commit to anyone or sustain a relationship longer than a year and a half. He had told me that his marriage ended because he was continuously verbally/psychologically abusive to his wife. He told me that his father was the same way with his mother, and I personally witnessed this when I came over to his parents for dinner. I just didn't want to accept these early warning signs. I thought I was "different", special, better than all the other women before me. I was wrong. The more I asked for love, reassurance, loyalty, etc., the more my ex turned away, became irritated, etc. It escalated into very ugly verbal abuse. I was told I was f----d up, I was a "very sick girl", I would never find anyone to stay in love with me because I was so screwed up. When I cried, my ex would laugh, or tell me "do me a favor and get the f----- out of my house, you f----n b----tch, I need my sleep". My ex was a master of covert abuse. Everything on the covert abuse section of this web site has my ex written all over it. The psychological games were unbelievable. The subtle putdowns, the feeling that I was second best, the reality that he treated friends, acquaintances, strangers better than he treated me, the cold, distant behavior.....all true. True too, how he would set up situations that m