My Story 1
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substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.
Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos
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B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 02, 2001
S1
Ladybug's Story I didn't know it was verbal abuse, I just thought he had a bad temper. I remember it started very early in our marriage. In the beginning, it was just so shocking to be talked to in that manner; it really threw me off-balance. Over the next 21 years, living my life off-balance became 'normal'. His behavior problem was compounded by drug and alcohol addiction in the last 10 years of our marriage.
It started with unreasonable rage at real or imagined events, progressing to private name-calling and public put-downs. The physical violence included bruises from gripping my wrists and upper arms. Once it got so ugly between us that he pulled a gun on me after I threatened him with a skillet, which was just after he knocked me down and kicked me repeatedly in my lower back and buttocks. He never hit me with his hands or fists, only with his vicious insults and verbal attacks.
At first I tried to explain to him what effect this behavior was having on me. Once he blew up, he was fine; he couldn't understand why I wasn't. I tried to tell him that, with each rage, he was killing my love for him. Each outburst put another brick in the wall I was placing between us. I had to protect myself in the only way I knew how-by erecting an emotional barrier. I taught myself not to feel-to go numb. I have perfected the technique of withdrawal. Two times during the course of our 21-year marriage I have gained and lost over one hundred pounds. I'm certain I was clinically depressed for years. I have a 10 year history of insomnia.
The other thing I did to cope was I got really busy. I got a promotion at work and threw myself routinely into 60-70 hour work weeks. I became an over-achiever, earning a bachelor's degree summa cum laude and a master's degree, while working full-time. I didn't realize that I was actually just filling my life with all sorts of commitments, just so I didn't have to be with him or to think about my situation. I thought we did better with considerable distance between us.
I left him the first time for two months in 1998, after an especially vile performance on his part at the Kentucky Derby. The wife of his associate took me aside and said "Do you need someone to tell you what this is? This is abuse!" He was so stricken with remorse--promised to go into counseling, backed way off his drinking, left roses and poetry in my car. I went back because I loved him and missed him so much. At this point, I had negotiated my integrity, and things were to spiral considerably downward after that.
During our separation, I made plans to begin coursework on a doctoral degree. I accepted a part-time position as a graduate teaching associate. I continued with these plans after our reconciliation. The last year of our marriage, I worked full-time, took nine graduate credit hours and taught nursing two days per week. The only thing that kept me from a complete breakdown was that I was so numb to my own feelings. It was during this time that I discovered Dr. Irene's site, and read the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. I remember thinking in the first page or two, that I should highlight the really strong points. I would have highlighted practically the entire text! The book was painful and difficult to read, as it so perfectly described my life.
My life had a defining moment when my father died that year ('99). I finally gained a sense for the brevity of life, and an understanding that I am responsible for my happiness. I left my husband forever three weeks after my father died, filed for divorce and got my 50%(more or less) of the assets.
One Year Later I took antidepressants for a year and sought counseling for six months. I continue to be amazed at the difference between how 'normal' people react to life's trials, as opposed to the abusive individual's response. I find myself internally cringing at certain events or errors, still expecting the onslaught. I really don't want to do the hard and heavy things in relationships anymore. I'm working very hard to experience my feelings and essence. I'm working on boundaries. I have only one New Year's resolution: to live a light, easy and joyful life.
Light, Easy, Joyful '01 to All!
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 02, 2001
S1
Here is one I'll bet no one has heard before. My ex-husband became quite mean after our two sons were about 4 and 5 years old. I always pointed out the problem and he would seem to understand and pretend to change but not really. I tried to get on with my life and pretend he did not hurt me with his picking and criticism but it hurt. a lot. I thought I would just hang on until my children were out of high school but he it became too painful. It seems he had been having affair with an older woman (and a rather yucky one at that} He insisted that I meet her and that they were just "friends". He encouraged my sons to hang out with her and see he as a "friend" She began giving them expensive presents etc. I took my husband aside and told him I didn't like the gifts and that I didn't think a fifty-year old woman was an appropriate dinner companion for a fifteen year old boy. He said he stop the gifts and time spent but that he thought there was nothing wrong with it. In fact nothing changed. I just no longer was told about what my sons were doing when they were skiing or doing something with their father. All during this span of about four years I had been getting hang-up phone calls 5 or 6 a day. Then this woman got a hold of the family dog and he lived for two weeks after that. Then my clothes began to disappear from my closet. Only my good ones. Still my ex had no solutions and countered every one I had. I went to the police and they just thought I was crazy. Finally, she confessed to having a sexual relationship with him. Of course he still tried to deny it. I sent him packing and filed for a divorce a week later. He refused to admit he had done anything wrong and said he" had had a midlife crisis and everybody does this" He claimed no knowledge of the old-lady friend trying to turn my children against me and insisted "I didn't know". He knew. He was able to manipulate her and use her to abuse the dog and the kids. and myself
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 03, 2001
S1
To the point-
My story is not so much about any one relationship parse as it is about me gaining my self-esteem where there was none. I received a lot of love from my family, but I also received a lot of physical abuse. My parents divorced, although it was not a messy one. I have always felt a deep conflict about allegiances, like who do I really love, my mom or my dad, stuff like that, and I suspect that crippled a lot of my "adult" (or should I say puerile) relationships. I was the king of jealousy and insecurity. I always demanded to know what my girlfriends previous sexual experiences were, and once I found out, I would obsess about them being with other men. I always felt like I was competing with these other men, even though they were in the past. I ended up making myself and others miserable. Later on, I developed another pattern- when I dated women, I would start talking about all my past girlfriends! Needless to say, they didn't appreciate this one bit.
In the past year I have slowly come to grips with my behaviors, with all my false self-righteousness, and have started to recover. But it has taken me two and a half solid years of working on my mental health. And, in a miracle I never anticipated, I now know that Jesus Christ loves me. I realize religion is a touchy subject to a lot of people, and I can well understand the anger to what I am about to say, I used to feel it myself, but God really does love everyone. In my humble opinion, it is we humans who hurt each other, and ourselves, simply because we are mistake prone, and especially, prone to anger if we do not watch out. In my own experience, my anger is a manifestation of my impatience, my own need for people to do what I what them to do. As I surrender, and I admit powerlessness, my anger slowly begins to dissipate. But this in itself is a process that I must have patience with. I am hoping that my frustration and anger is mostly gone now, that I have banished most of my demons. The worst part now is the void I am feeling from all the years I spent needlessly suffering by silently berating myself and others. The funny thing is that I still like to give myself credit for the fact that for the most part I never raised my voice at girlfriends, bosses, parents, coaches, whomever. But you know what? I was a withholder, and a subtle manipulator, and I can admit that now. I should admit that I hope that people read MY words, and are perhaps taken one step closer towards realizations about themselves. So I am still very selfish and grasping- this is exactly where I'm at. My name is Dan, I don't have a job right now, I am very confused about the future, I am scared about even posting this. But I know Jesus loves me. Peace.
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 04, 2001
S1
SINGLE MOTHER NEEDS THE SUPPORT OF ABUSE VICTIMS— OF PSYCHOPATHIC (SOCIOPATHIC) MEN-OR ANYONE ELSE WHO CAN HELP!
MANY ABUSED WOMEN DO NOT RECEIVE THE PROTECTION OF THE POLICE, OR THE COURT SYSTEM BECAUSE THE ABUSER DOES NOT LEAVE “VISIBLE WOUNDS”. HE DESTROYS OUR “SOULS”! HERE IS A BRIEF CHECKLIST OF THE PROFILE OF THIS MAN:
(Developed by the most famous researcher of psychopaths, Dr. Robert Hare, author of “From Without Conscience-The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us”)
Glibness/superficial charm Grandiose sense of self-worth Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom Pathological lying Conning/manipulation Lack of remorse, guilt or morals Shallow affect Callous/lack of empathy Parasitic lifestyle Promiscuous sexual behavior Early behavioral problems Lack of realistic, long term plans Impulsivity Irresponsibility Failure to accept responsibility for own actions Many short term relationships Juvenile delinquency (Narcissism also a characteristic
Dr. Hare states that 1 in 30 people are psychopathic-90% being male. While some serial killers are psychopathic, most people with this disorder are just as dangerous and their true personality goes undetected. Master manipulators, they compromise a significant part of our society. They appear to live a normal lifestyle, can be attractive, charming and successful people. Most of the crimes psychopaths commit are “crimes of the heart” and/or “casual cruelty”. They are cruel, immoral people who leave behind them a trail of broken hearts and lives. They primarily target the naïve or nurturing woman, and once the relationship is over, or the psychopath has been exposed, they will try to ruin the victim financially, emotionally, mentally and/or physically.
I am one of these women who has been “devastated” by a relationship with a psychopath.
I have an upcoming Court Hearing in the Supreme Court of New Jersey. I ask for the support of other women who have been victimized by a Psychopath: Please write me a letter and tell me your story. I want to appeal to the Court that better laws be made for the protection of women like ourselves, who are often told to “ignore” or “tolerate” the behavior of these people who “stalk our souls” and try to destroy our lives. These “Jekyl/Hydes” should be stopped!
If anyone can help: to offer legal advice, psychological advice, how to proceed with my court case, etc. please contact me as soon as possible. (I can no longer afford an attorney as I have been going to court with this “PREDATOR” for over one year. He has caused me great financial hardship and has affected the quality of life I can provide for myself and my son.)
I will be preparing a website with more information to help victims of abuse, and offering links to valuable web sites:
If you are in the New Jersey area and would like to start a support group, please contact me.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! WE ALL NEED EACH OTHER! Please fax, email your letters, advice, articles, or leave voice mail:
Email address: psurvivor@excite.com Toll-free number: 1-888-Excite2 Personal extension for voicemail & faxes: 291-384-7955
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 05, 2001
S1
Hi all,
I haven't been here in quite some time but I thought I'd drop in and see if I could get a little free advice.
OK-here's a short version of my story:
I am a recovering (is that the right word?) abuser. The proverbial stuff hit the fan in October '99 when my wife, after doing some research and some reading for about a month, told me that I have to stop being abusive or she was taking the kids and leaving. I had to do some serious soul searching, but I realized she was right and agreed to do whatever was necessary to keep our family together. And I realized (although I don't think I ever told her) that I wanted to do it for me too because I knew I was treating her badly but didn't know how to change myself. I have been to counseling, done a lot of reading, even had a consultation with Patricia Evans (author of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship"-a must read for anyone on the receiving end of an abusive relationship).
I have worked hard to change myself and become a better father and husband. While I in no way claim to be "cured", I feel like I am 10 times the human being I was 14 months ago. I still have a long way to go though. While I treat my wife and kids much better than I used to, I still have urges to fly off the handle and feel like yelling and being not nice. In the past year there have been about 3 or 4 times that I started to lose my cool beyond what was reasonable for the situation. That's better than the 3 or 4 times a week it used to be. Because of all of the self-improvement that I have been working on, I am a much more emotionally aware person than I used to be. Let me put it this way: Before, I used to just go off and there was no realization that I was way out of control. Now, when I feel myself starting to get upset and wanting to lose it, there is a trigger at some point that lets me know I'm going beyond what is necessary and I think to myself "OK, you're starting to let yourself get out of control so calm down and relax." There have been countless times that this trigger has kicked in and kept me from abusing my family.
I have felt like things were going pretty well for quite a while now. This past week has brought a couple of things to light. I won't say exactly how (yet), but I found out that my wife isn't completely happy with me. She hasn't said ANYTHING to me (she told a friend of ours)-she just lets me think things are fine. But what I found out is that, apparently, I say too many sarcastic things. She says that I am reminding her of the old me. That literally makes me want to cry. I feel so bad that she feels that way because I absolutely HATE the old me. I hate all the bad memories it brings to mind about how bad I used to treat my family and what a piece of garbage human being I was.
There's another thing bothering me. About a month ago now, our daughter (she's 2) broke her leg. Her brother (his grandmother planted this idea in his 6 year old brain) got a box (we just moved into a new house), climbed in it, and went down the stairs in it. Sister wanted to know what he was doing so she stepped in front of the stairs to check him out. The box hit her just above the ankle and broker her tibia and her fiblula. She just got her cast off last week. Well, what's bothering me is this: My wife blames me for it because I was sitting in front of my computer (The top half of the stairs are visible from my computer desk upstairs) when it happened (she was at work). She feels like I wasn't watching the kids. That hurts. That's the only way I can put it. Hoping I don't sound like a jerk as I say this, but it could have just as easily happened while she was home with the kids. She could have been in the laundry room. She could have been in our bedroom. She could have been anywhere in the house that is not visible from the stairs. Why does it have to be anyone's fault that it happened? Kids are going to hurt themselves from time to time.
The third thing on my mind is one of privacy. The way I found out was kind of an accident. We have an instant messenger program that saves all of the messages automatically. I hadn't heard from one particular friend of ours in a while, so I thought I'd check to see if my wife had talked to her lately. I went to the message log and there were some recent messages, so I read them, just wanting to see how our friend was doing and what was going on in her life. Well, she asked the question "How is he doing?" (She knows about the past abuse). That's where my wife mentioned this stuff. Normally they go into chat mode and my wife will erase the chat session if there is something there she'd rather I didn't see (not that I go snooping around but there are times when I know she's been chatting and there is no saved chat session. Sometimes I save my chat sessions and go back and read them later). That's fine with me, if she wants a certain conversation to be private, I don't have a problem with it.
My question is this: Did I invade her privacy by reading the message log? I didn't tell her about what I read because I didn't want her to feel like I was checking up on her or trying to spy on her or control her in any way. I really wanted to talk to her about what I read but in the end I just decided that I would have to leave it alone that she thought I was responsible for our daughters leg and that I would try to be more aware of saying sarcastic things and try not to do anything that reminds her of the old me (a total bummer to find out she thought that). I just want to try to work on being nicer and kinder than she's ever seen me be, so that's what I'm working on for the foreseeable future.
One other thing I can't figure out: why doesn't she tell me when I am being sarcastic or otherwise reminding her of the old me? Obviously I don't know when I'm doing it or I wouldn't do it. How can I get her to tell me when I'm doing something she'd rather I didn't do? If she would just make a brief mention of it (we don't have to have some heavy, deep discussion) I would be happy to work on it.
Any advice?
P
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 05, 2001
S1
My soon to be ex fiancée has such a bad temper although he has never hit me its the verbal abuse that I'm tired of. I'm 23 yrs old and I have a 2month old daughter with him. I fear that he will treat her as badly as he has treated me. If I say something as simple as "The dishes are dirty in the dishwasher" in a tone that sounds like I'm yelling, it sparks a fight. Of which he always makes me feel like I'm wrong and he's right all the time.
The major reason other than the fear of my daughter's safety is the financial problems. He controls all the money of which he never uses any of it to pay bills. His credit is so bad. He has been using credit cards that are in my name and of course they never get paid off therefore my credit has gone to hell and many of my credit cards have been cancelled or being collected on. I can't suggest to him how things could get paid off and be out of debt because my ideas are stupid. He has been married twice before and has incurred a $50,000 debt. He keeps pressuring me to set a date to get married and there is no way I'm going to take on all that debt. He has ruined my credit as it is.
I feel so stupid for letting this go on for so long. I left him once but he persuaded me to move back with him promising things would be better and bills would be taken care of. Of course it never happened, then I ended up getting pregnant. Only to be told he wasn't happy about me being pregnant. I can not count how many times in the past yr he has told me to pack my bags and move out. That I could raise my daughter on my own. It stressed me out so much it put me into premature labor for almost a month. On top of that he got mad when the doctors stopped my labor because he was tired of me being pregnant and it ruined our sex life. Pregnancy is supposed to be the happiest time, a time of joy. He made it so horrible for me that I have decided there is no way I'm going to have anymore children.
I thought for the longest time that I was the one with the problem, that I wasn't doing enough. I see now I do more than enough. I clean, do laundry, dishes, take care of an infant DAY and NIGHT with no help. If I tell him that I'm tired because I only got 2 hrs of sleep he doesn't seem to care. I finally got tired of him not helping with the baby that I made him get up and take care of her one night. That was the worst thing I ever did. He yelled at her telling her to shut the F^%*k up and go to sleep. That he wasn't going to do this every night that she was going to go to sleep when we went to sleep. (how many infants do you know actually sleep when you want to sleep??? NONE) Then he yelled at me the next day because he was tired since I didn't get my lazy a** up and take care of the baby. Ever since he yelled at her I take it upon myself to stay up with her day and night plus work a full time job and take care of the house just so I don't have to worry about him getting so mad that he might shake her.
I realized this is enough when we went to see my parent in another state. He got mad because I spent time with my family and he had to watch the baby a time or two. I went out with my sister in law whom I share a birthday with. We went out to the bars which I haven't done in such a long time. I had so much fun an realized what life would be like without him and how much freedom I would have. That I could choose to do something with out having to get permission first. That I could be my own person. This made me feel so good but yet scared that if he found out how much I liked it that he would kick me out and take my daughter away from me.
So for the past month I have been looking for a new job in a different state, looking for a place to live and planning on leaving him when I have things set up. It makes me feel guilty that I'm going to take my daughter away from him and knowing her father but then again it would be for the best. I'm mostly fearful that he will try and take her away from me. Knowing I couldn't live with out her. His family does not see this side of him and they all think he is the greatest guy.
I've been taking out 20 dollars a week thinking he wont notice or if he does I tell him I took it out for gas or food, and sending it to my mother who has opened a bank account in both our names so I have money waiting for me when I decide to go and not have to worry about him taking that away from me.
Its the dream of a new life without him that gets me through bad days. I've learned its so much easier to just let him yell and make me feel bad then just block it out and think how much better it will be with out him. Thanks for letting me vent, lilshamrock
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 05, 2001
S1
My story is much like the others, only difference is that I have not completely left this person alone. Well I met him about eight years ago, but have been married to him for 3. I truly asked for all of this because I knew what he was about before marriage, it just got worse. He is a controlling, physical and verbally abusive man. He is a alcoholic, crack addict and I believe has psychiatric problems. To look at him you would think he was the pillar of the community. He is an only child and got his way most of the time. His mom and my mom died recently, (about a week apart). He has done just about everything to me and my children. He made me undress totally one night and locked the bedroom door, so I could not get out and held a fork knife to my throat until the police arrived and talked him out and put him in jail. Got a PFA and reconciled after our moms passed away. He has an ex wife that has been in our life since I met him. Calls the house like I do not exist along with other flings met during crack binges. Spent paycheck, and thousands of dollars on drugs and then comes home and fights and kick me and the children out. My son is in jail now for trying to protect me. Just a few months ago I left and moved back into our former home with my children. We took what we had and left most of the big things like our beds, etc. Then they cut the electricity off and we had to live with my sister for a month due to a previous bill. Anyway my problem is I still find myself helping this man, sneaking around making love to him, etc. I do not believe that I am doing this and do not know why. I am in counseling and learned from another board that I am what is called codependent and enabler. Well now he is losing the house, maybe his car, cannot afford to eat and is faced with financial ruin. I am never going back physically to live because I never want him to throw us out in the street like dogs again. I was totally abused, I was not allowed to get into bed at night unless he said so, I could not watch what I wanted on TV, did mostly what he wanted to do. Subjected my children to his drunken rages and poverty that his bad habits gave to us. My family stopped coming because they could not stand the way I was living (just what an abuser wants). I am trying hard to stay away intimately. What makes me do this? Its not like I cannot find a man for that purpose even though I would not. I need to let go of this abusive relationship with no ties, not even a phone call. His problems are no longer my problems. He is doing everything to convince me to come back, everything. I won't do that but what am I continuing to see him for. My children and family want nothing to do with him. I want to divorce him before he loses everything that is part mine, but I can't seem to do the right thing. I think I am as sick as him. He doesn't think he has any problems so he will never get help. What is wrong with me that I can't break the one habit that keeps me emotionally tied to him. And as long as I do I am misleading him into thinking that there is a chance for reconciliation, when I have no intention. I have been hurt too badly, financially, physically, and mentally. And so have my children. We are finally getting our lives back together. He is trying to destroy us again. I nicknamed him "the destroyer". 01/05/01 Courageless
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 05, 2001
S1
I met Chris when I was 18. We were together 8 years (on and off) and never married. We had a child (boy) when I was 20 (now 29). Now that I look back at out relationship that is now over, I can see the abuse I went through. The last year was when I really saw it and did something about it. He never hit me but always told me I was nothing, fat (I am 5'9 125lbs), useless and you know the rest. In the beginning or the relationship his abuse brought me down but toward the end it made me stronger. While I was with him I didn't have a car, a job, friends or anything. Now I have a brand new car, my own business and my friends who were there all along that I never noticed. My problem now is, I've been friends with this guy for many many years. We hooked up and now, 5 months later I realize he is just like me ex, Chris. They are alike in every possible way. Mark (the new boyfriend) is not as bad as Chris, but probably because its the beginning of the relationship. What I want to know is, why is that when I met guys that treated me like a queen I found no interest in them. Now I meet some guy just like my ex and I fall in love. My parents are happily married, I've seen them in 1 argument my whole life. Very happy childhood. I have very high self-esteem. I really do. I am very proud of myself for getting where I am today. I'm not stuck on myself but I am everyone's best friend. I am a very giving and affectionate person who has a major backbone. I stand up for myself until the end. WHY DO I LOOK FOR CREEPS LIKE THIS? I just don't get it. Someone please help me to see what it is I do or don't do to end up in relationships like this. Thank you. Ann
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, January 06, 2001
S1
SUCH PAIN, ANGER AND HATE, AFTER 26 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, I REALIZE THAT I AM THE VICTIM OF VERBAL ABUSE. ALL THOSE YEARS OF TAKING MEDS FOR DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS, ONCE I EVEN TRIED TO TAKE MY LIFE. YES THE VERBAL ABUSE WORE ME DOWN, THAT I FELT IT WAS THE ONLY WAY OUT. LAST WEEK I TOOK OUT A RESTRAINING ORDER AND HAD HIS ARSENAL OF WEAPONS REMOVED (ALWAYS THREATS THAT HE WOULD KILL ME, I WAS NEVER TO LEAVE OR BREAK UP THE FAMILY) THE SAME DAY THAT I TOOK OUT THE RESTRAINING ORDER (HE FILED FOR DIVORCE) RECEIVED SUMMONS FROM THE SHERIFF. NO TEARS SHED, THE MOST PEACEFUL FEELING. RETURN TO COURT ON THURSDAY, AND PRAY THAT THE RESTRAINING ORDER STAYS IN AFFECT. TWO WEEKS WITHOUT BEING VERBALLY ABUSED. I HAVE LOST MYSELF, AND HAVE NO SELF ESTEEM AT ALL. I FIND COMFORT BY TELLING MYSELF THAT I WILL NEVER LET HIM VERBALLY ABUSE ME AGAIN (I WILL SURVIVE) I START THERAPY ON MONDAY, AND HOPE TO FIND MYSELF AGAIN. I FIND COMFORT IN KNOWING THAT AS LONG AS THE RESTRAINING ORDER STAYS IN AFFECT, THAT HE WILL NEVER VERBALLY ABUSE ME AGAIN. THE PAST 4 YEARS HAVE BEEN THE WORST YET, EVERY DAY HE WOULD BEAT ME DOWN WITH HIS WORDS, BEFORE HE LEFT FOR WORK AND THEN HE WOULD START AGAIN, WHEN HE RETURNED HOME. I HAVE SO MUCH HATE FOR HIM, AND FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, WHEN I EXPRESS MYSELF. THANKS FOR POSTING MY STORY.
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, January 06, 2001
S1
I have been reading the post, and the web page. My b/f is not the usual abuser. He does not yell I am a slut while in a rage. He just calls me that. he does not yell I am a bitch, he just call me that. He hardly ever argues with me. Most times he refuses to even talk about anything that I complain about. I am a woman and I am just bitching he says. Or I must be having PMS. He will say things like dingbat. If I happen to trip over shoes HE left in the middle of the floor. One of our biggest problems is his control issue. He has to have total control over my computer. Who I talk to, my e-mail. He has even found a way to get the pass word to my diary. If he does not like the person I am chatting with. If he feels they are a threat. he will cause an argument. And if I don't side with him on it. He gets mad. He will get totally obsessed with the person I am talking to. Go as far as threatening to kill them <to me> he says they are bad people. <mostly men> and that he is protecting me. he tells me he is Master and as long as I live in this house I do as I am told. In the beginning, I see where I set this whole sick relationship up. I would do for him no matter what. No matter how many of my friends he ran off <I now have none> No matter what he said in his calm low tone voice. I would do and do. It set me up to be his doormat. Sex was important to me in the beginning. I loved it. And it was great. Then for some reason he just stopped it would go from many times a week. to once a month I didn't understand it and I would cry and beg him to tell me what happened. Was he no longer attracted to me? Later I realized that was his way of punishing me. But he did get sex when he wanted it. And I was told I never was to refuse him. For the longest time I was so confused! You know you see the commercials on TV of an abused woman on her knees in the kitchen the man in rage. My b/f hardly ever rages. But he would say things to undermine me. belittle. I probably could not even do the bottom bun at his job. <he is in fast food management> and bottom bun is the lowest position. But when ask to work there. He told me I was smart enough and if I followed his orders <not the acting manager at this store> I would be manager there in no time. Just another place he would be in control. I did not take the job. It is now 19 months later. And I have so much rage I am acting out. By acting out. we have got into violent fights. In the beginning he would pull my hair to stop me from typing so he could see who I am talking to. Or for no reason after climbing in bed he would smack me real hard on the butt. I would ask him why? he would say you must to have done something wrong during the day to be punished for. I was left bewildered! I am seeking a counselor because my rage seems to happen out of no where. Over small things. I am ashamed that I have lost control! I am ashamed for the both of us that we are fighting like little kids. He seems to think it's ok. And says you Started it. Well, Yeah I act out. But is that a reason to hit me? The violence between us has just started when I started to become rueful and act out. i.e.. throw glasses, try and get his attention by taking my pill bottle telling him he will pay attention to me if I take the whole bottle. That will turn into him trying to get the bottle from me and then him hitting me over and over till I have a bloody nose. Or a broke finger. Of course I started it. So it's ok. he does have his marks to! After going to Dr Irene's web site, I have learned a lot. I want help for me. To learn way's to deal with my anger. To talk up to him without talking down to him. I do know he loves me. Not in the beginning. But in the last year he has <been with him 19 months> he can be so sweet. Those are the times I hold on to. And I have noticed that if I stand up to him with respect he acts different towards me. So I do believe we set our selves up for abuse! I am sorry this is so long. Please don't reply and tell me to leave. I was married 21 years to a great man. I never worked a day in my life. And dew to the stress I started drinking and in march I got a dui. I had never been in trouble and it was an eye opener. I have no place to go! I need suggestions on how to avoid the violence. He has admitted to emotionally and verbally abusing me. But wont admit to the psychical abuse. <could he be scared to go to jail?>
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, January 07, 2001
S1
you don't need to hear my story...it is probably just like yours'...
what you need to hear is that I got out. and so can you.. this might sound strange...but "American beauty" the Kevin spacey movie....changed my life...
it took me from "I'm doomed" to "I'm outtalk here"...
Life is taboo short. and when I go. I want to go with a smile on my face
you should too...
the answer is INSIDE YOU...the decision is yours. it is a CHOICE
I have been gone 3 moss now...I feel like I just got out of prison after 5 yrs for something I didn't do..
I am getting to know ME
and believe me...IF I CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT... good luck whoever you are...
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Date: Wednesday, January 10, 2001
S1
Maybe you can give me some insight... I'm 28 yrs old (married for the second time) my hubby is almost 41. We've been married for almost 6 months and things are taking a downward turn. We courted for 2 1/2 yrs before we married and things were good, we had a great sex life in the beginning and as time went on the romance seems to have fizzled and our love making is now at the point of being almost non existent. I'm not sure how to get it back. My hubby has had a lot of stress with his ex wife and also some of his family members. Seems everyone wants to short change him. I realize that depression effects the libido as well as other things. Although I don't think he is depressed, there are issues that bother him. It has gone from me asking him to make love to me on a daily basis and getting too many excuses to list, to me not asking any more. This is just not acceptable. I've talked with him about it, told him how I feel and my requests go denied. I am the aggressor, this I know he likes, however how can I make him get 'in the mood'? When I do not have sex at least every other day, I become moody, and not very nice and as the days pass it gets worse. I bought a toy, to supplement when he 'has something wrong'. He doesn't mind, he'll listen but will only join in maybe 1 out of 10 times. My question is how can he just sit and 'listen' without getting aroused? To me, that's just not normal. I'm tired of that too. I want to make love to a person, not do everything solo. That's what caused my first marriage to fail. Well one of the very many reasons, but a major factor in the equation. Can you please help, or maybe one of the readers has some suggestions. Thanks a bunch, lost for love.
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Date: Wednesday, January 10, 2001
S1
The Universe Does Have a Sense of Humor
The nice man who tore me to pieces for entertainment has fallen in love with a woman far more twisted than he. They believe themselves to be soul mates, to be more enlightened in the game of life than the rest of us. However, she has convinced her sequential spouses she is the only one to properly appreciate and care for them, and that each has some sort of mental problem that she tried really hard to fix, but couldn't. Each left a broken man... I'm very happy he did not Jekyl/Hyde himself into some other naive, good-hearted person's life. I hope he finds help some day, but he's having to much fun right now, he thinks he's just a little too clever by half. I am grateful to be delivered from evil.
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Date: Thursday, January 11, 2001
S1
I will start with "Thank You" for this site it has given me light. I am not going crazy and It isn't me after all. I will agree to not being perfect but now the picture is clear. We married after only knowing each other for three months but we were in our late 20's and very much in love. I gave up my job (he told me to) that year after our son was born. He was very protective of us and always wanted to know where we were and always called to check in. If I missed a call he would get so mad. I just blew it off as being a new Dad thing . Then I lost contact with my friends after we moved out of state for his new job. He was never satisfied with any of his Employment in 11 years he changed jobs 14 times) and we've moved all over. Even making over $98,000.00 a year he still complains about bills and the children's field trips (now we have 5 kids) and that I still don't have a job to help with the cost of living. He has worked out of State for the past two years and comes home every other week end. How could I work and take care of five children under age 11 . I tried and he said "You need to have the Kids needs met first and you can't do it with a job." So he made me leave a Teaching job I really enjoyed, but my children do come first. Then the money it has always been a problem. I feel like I'm asking my Dad for Twenty bucks again. He can buy clothes (he needs them for work) or any thing and not worry. I need to show him the broken shoe to buy a new pair. Then we have his friends, men and women a lot of women (he is very nice looking and nice to others) and I have no friends. And I am always told how friendly I am and I wonder why don't I have any friends ? It's because I am so ashamed of my life and what I have become. I found out about my Husbands "friend" two years ago when after work he would go out to grab a beer or two almost every night. I read a few E-mails from him to her and he had an excuse for every thing and I even thought it was my fault. Then the Holidays would come and I came across some gifts that never made it to me. Then the airline tickets for her came to our house !! I used his cell phone (we had the same ones) and I heard a voice message about" I love you and I can't wait to see you...." and he still made me believe she was just a friend. This Christmas Eve he gave me divorce papers and a book on how to have a good divorce. He talked about how we have to be nice to each other for the sake of our children and that this won't be so terrible. On Christmas day we all went to his sister's home filled with all our family and I had to act like all was fine. He made us take different cars because he had a party to be at around 9:00PM. He came up to me and said "I CAN'T WATCH YOU SULK ANY LONGER I'M GOING". and without saying good bye to his children or any one else he left. Now he is working 3 hours away from home and has no address he tells me he is living at his office. Our finances are in such bad shape because of his choice in leaving a job too soon and not having another for two months we are way behind on bills. He said he has no money for an Apt. So he had to borrow money from yet another "Friend". Her phone number was on our phone bill and I called and a woman was on the other end. He said he has no one else (and he doesn't) to borrow money from and that I shouldn't worry or ask questions that all he is doing is taking care of his family. I don't love him any more and I told him so last night his reply was that I am mean and when I got mad and lost my temper he said that he will not take any more Verbal Abuse from me. He has also told me that if I still want to go through with the divorce that I need to handle it and he doesn't want one now !! The light came on last night after I sat for hours reading every other story you have posted that "I WANT MY LIFE BACK" !! My only problem is that as I said we have 5 children who know none of this (except our oldest who will be 12 has been woken up by Dad's drunken rage on a few nights and was crying.) he is always nice to them and jokes of course he's only here for weekends. After all this now my price will still be the bad guy when I go forward with the divorce. I can't win and my Husband knows that . He knows how important the secure life (for the kids anyway) school, sports, our home friends (for the kids anyway) to take that all away from them. They would never believe that Daddy did any thing wrong and how in the world would I explain it to them ? You can't and the light lingers for me but how do I reach it? I do thank you for giving me hope , and any advice would help that hope. LeeAnn
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Date: Thursday, January 11, 2001
S1
DEAR RESPONDER TO MY POST: (SINGLE MOM SEEKING SUPPORT OF VICTIMS OF PSYCHOS) YOU LEFT ME TWO VOICEMAILS WHICH WERE CUT OFF AND I DID NOT GET YOUR NAME OR PHONE NO. I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR YOUR STORY, BUT HAVE FAITH. THINGS COULD TURN AROUND. A BOOK WHICH WOULD BE A GREAT HELP TO YOU IS: WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DIVORCE & CUSTODY BY GAYLE ROSENWALD SMITH. MY COURT TRIAL DID NOT GO AS WELL AS I HOPED. IT WAS NOT ABOUT CUSTODY, I HAVE BEEN GOING TO COURT CONSTANTLY BECAUSE HE FALSELY ACCUSES ME OF THINGS. I HAD APPEALED TO THE COURT THAT HE HAVE A MENTAL HEALTH EVALUATION, AND ATTEND COUNSELING. I ASKED THAT WE HAVE NO CONTACT UNTIL WE ARE IN MEDIATION BECAUSE HIS CONSTANT FALSE ACCUSATIONS COST ME THOUSANDS IN LEGAL FEES. I LET MY LAWYER GO—TAKING AWAY THAT POWER FROM HIM. THE JUDGE RULED THAT WE BOTH ATTEND COUNSELING TOGETHER AS A FORM OF MEDIATION AND LET THE PSYCHOLOGIST DETERMINE WHETHER THE “LIAR” NEEDS FURTHER EVALUATION OR OTHER COUNSELING, LEGAL MEDIATION. I FOUND THAT NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT EMOTIONAL ABUSE. DON’T EVEN MENTION THE WORD “PSYCHOPATH” IN COURT. THEY ARE NOT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE IT. THE COURTS TELL YOU IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED (I HAVE A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST HARASSMENT/ABUSE) TO CALL THE POLICE. WHEN I CALL THE POLICE, THEY TELL ME TO TAKE IT TO THE COURTS. IN REALITY, WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO DO IS TO “TOLERATE” THE ABUSE. THERE ARE MANY BOOKS RELATED TO WORKING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE, EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILERS THAT I CAN RECOMMEND, WHICH TEACH YOU HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR, YOUR ANGER. I’M NOT AT THAT STAGE OF RECOVERY JUST YET. I STILL WANT TO “MAKE SOME NOISE”. I CANNOT ACCEPT THE FACT THAT WHILE I AM SUPPOSED TO TURN MYSELF INSIDE OUT, THE LIAR CAN CONTINUE HIS DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR PATTERNS. (ONLY NOW HE’S HURTING AND MANIPULATING SOMEONE ELSE). I DON’T WANT MY SON TO SEE HIM AS A ROLE MODEL. YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM THE LOSS OF YOUR CHILDREN AND THAT IS A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW. EVERY DAY, I WATCH MY BACK IN FEAR THAT THE LIAR WILL TRY TO TAKE FULL CUSTODY OF MY SON. (WE NOW HAVE JOINT). YOU SHOULD STRENGTHEN YOURSELF SPIRITUALLY. WOMEN HAVE THE ADVANTAGE OVER MEN IN THAT WE HAVE PSYCHIC INTUITION. LEARN TO USE YOUR POWER. PRAY THAT YOUR CHILDREN WILL SEE YOUR EX AS THE CREEP THAT HE IS. AND IF THEY DON’T, THEN TRY TO FORGIVE THEM. IF YOU HAVE LOVE YOU NEED TO GIVE, CONSIDER FOSTER PARENTING. THERAPY & READING ARE THE KEYS TO RECOVERY. MY EX TOOK SO MUCH FROM ME THAT I SHOP ON THE CURB FOR TOYS AND FURNITURE. I HAVE RE-ADJUSTED MY VALUE SYSTEM. MONEY, AND A HOUSE ARE NOT IMPORTANT. THEY DON’T GIVE YOU A SOUL. AND THERE IS ALWAYS A DOORWAY OPEN TO A NEW FUTURE…YOU JUST NEED TO FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT. I WOULD LOVE TO SPEAK TO YOU. THE EXCITE VOICE MAILS ARE UNRELIABLE. YOU CAN REACH ME AT HOME ON FRI EVENING—201-969-1624. OR SEND EMAIL TO ME AT PSURVIVOR@EXCITE.COM THIS HAS BEEN A LONG, ROUGH JOURNEY FOR ME. IT’S STILL NOT OVER, BECAUSE I AM NOT READY TO LAY DOWN AND DIE. I’M STILL GOING TO FIGHT FOR REFORMS, I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO IT BY MYSELF. IF I COULD CHANGE THE WORLD FOR THE BETTER IN ONE SMALL WAY, EVEN BY HELPING SOMEONE ELSE, IT GIVES ME GRATIFICATION. LIFE IS ABOUT LOVING, SHARING, CARING. ALWAYS BE THANKFUL THAT YOUR ABUSER LEFT! HE DID NOT DESERVE TO BE WITH YOU! YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM AND HE IS A BIG FAT ZERO! REMEMBER THAT.
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Date: Friday, January 12, 2001
S1
Tomorrow is Saturday! Oh how I hate Saturdays. You see, Saturday is drinking day. You drink from 10-12 hours. Things are fine during the day, but then the night comes - your eyes are dazed, you even stumble, but you are still able to work in the garage and do the tasks you have set out to do. Then the hurtful words begin to flow from your mouth.
My options in the past:
Do I stay away from you and hide. Keeping myself busy doing meaningless tasks. - Only for you to find me and yell at me about something I did or didn't do that day or that week.
Do I offer to help you, knowing I will do something not the way you want it done. If I can suck it in and continue to help you, in spite of your harsh words then at least at the end of the night you will say thanks for your help.
Those were my options in the past. My plan for tomorrow is - when I see the drunkenness in your eyes I'm going to leave. I have no where to go, but I'm not going to stay. I will leave with our daughter and spend the night at a hotel. Before the verbal abuse starts!
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 12, 2001
S1
To Anyone and Everyone - Feedback Please!!!
I am married to a verbal abuser who is soooo GOOD at manipulation that half the time he has me believing I am the abuser! We have been together 7 years (married just over 1 year) and I have read a lot of articles and books, and tried a lot of approaches/solutions, even gone to counseling, but nothing helps for long and our relationship is deteriorating. I still love him, but sometimes I'm so angry at the way he treats my teenage daughter (from a previous marriage) and me, that I hate him too! I can also say that I often don't like him as a person. I have even begun kicking around the idea of leaving him although I really don't want to - but the bad times are starting to outweigh the good ones.
The part I would like advice and feedback about is regarding what happened at Christmas. My husband decided he wanted to spend Christmas in Minnesota at his 83 year old grandmother's house (we live on the West Coast). During our stay, his grandmother related some stories about my husband's deceased grandfather. We'll call him "Norman." Apparently, "Norman" drank very heavily and was abusive to my husband's grandmother. She related to us that his last words before he died were "g**damn, son of a b***h!" (Interesting legacy.)
The next day was Christmas Eve and they were expecting a houseful that evening. I was upstairs all morning and into the afternoon wrapping presents, getting stockings prepared, etc. I had also just started my "monthly cycle", so I wasn't in the best of temperaments.
My husband, true to his normal behavior, had been sitting around reading the paper, visiting with family, etc. He doesn't "wrap presents or put ribbon on gifts." He makes me or my daughter take care of it. When asked why not, he replies "I don't DO ribbon!" Recently, I have become more and more resentful of all the many things my husband "doesn't DO" and have stopped doing many things for him that I use to do as a sign of love and affection. This irks him quite a bit and he regularly berates me and accuses me of not loving him because I don't take care of him anymore!"
Anyway, he called upstairs to me asking if I "wanted to keep the hot apple cedar I had made the day before?" The grandmother apparently wanted it out of the way before people came over.
I let my husband know that yes, I wanted to keep it. (but this was not really what he wanted.) What he really wanted was for me to come down and get rid of it. Unfortunately, part of my husband's abuse scenario is to not tell me what he wants, but make me give different answers until I find the one he actually wants. I call this the "aloof drama" as in the Celestine Prophecy book - (he won't give you enough information for you to arrive at the answer he wants, but then gets mad at you because you "don't care enough about his needs to KNOW what he wants automatically.")
The conversation between us continued (me at the top of the stairs - him at the bottom) with me finally telling him to please make a command decision and take care of it. When that wasn't the right answer either, I finally got frustrated and in a fairly terse tone told him to just bring it upstairs to me. He did and, with attitude, I took it from him and set it on the floor near the dresser (no room on top the dresser). He made a face and told me not to put it there. I grumbled that if he had such distinct opinions about where it should go, why couldn't he have taken care of it in the first place. I then made some room on the dresser top and put the pot on top of it.
I was grumbling, he was grumbling and then he got angry with me and grabbed my elbow and squeezed (common practice). At this point we were still exchanging angry words, I was telling him to stop hurting me, etc. and all the while he is backing me into the bedroom until I am sitting on the bed. My husband is a big man - 6'1" and about 270 lbs, so I have difficult standing my ground physically. He frequently attempts to use his size to intimidate me and my daughter. At this point I told him he is being nasty, and mean and obnoxious and to stop it. He continued to berate me and I finally said to him "Okay NORMAN! (his grandfather's name) Then I added, "But I guess I should consider myself lucky because at least you don't drink!"
Yikes! Fighting fire with fire is not always a good way to go! I was trying to get him to see that he was acting very badly. All he could see was that I had attacked his dead grandfather! He didn't speak to me for about 7 days, all through Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, at the airport, during the layover at the hotel because of canceled flights, the trip home, at home, etc. I apologized several times, but he refused to accept my apology. He remained pissed off at me for 10 days or so, barely speaking to me, berating me for my cruelty and "how I have no conscience and will say anything that comes into my head no matter how much it might hurt someone." etc
He upped the ante with the verbal abuse after that, and just all around being nasty and obnoxious to me and my daughter. Three days ago I stopped sleeping in our bedroom and have stopped talking to him because he can't talk to me without being nasty or sarcastic. I have told him as much too! I have stopped cooking for him too.
After the first night I didn't sleep in our bedroom, he tried his sympathy routine with me saying "Would you care if I died tomorrow?" I said simply "yes" and carried on about my business. He then said, "Yeah, only about how much money you would get."
In the past, whenever he has made statements like this, I have always tried to get him to see that I wasn't that kind of person, and that saying stuff like that hurt my feelings and was a cruel thing to say to someone that loves you, but this time I angrily told him "if you really think I am like that and you really believe what you are saying then you would be smart to pack up and leave right now and divorce me."
The truth of the matter is that I have a good job and I make respectable money, more then enough to provide for my daughter and myself. I also pay for (literally) half of everything even though he makes more money then I do. Additionally, he keeps much of his financial affairs a secret from me.
Since then each time he has tried to make some sort of nasty or sarcastic remark I have simply said to him "Don't talk to me!" If he asks me question in a normal way, I give him a short, straight answer with no emotion in my tone and then I carry on about my own business.
I am doing okay and I'm feeling strong. My daughter is a great source of comfort to me, and I try to keep my focus on the close and loving relationship we have. I work at keeping my self-esteem up, and I keep reminding myself that he has an emotional problem that I don't understand. This will work itself out one way or another however painful it might be, I realize that. Whatever the outcome, I will survive!
My concern is this. I read so much stuff about abusers not knowing they ARE the abuser! My husband spends tons of time and energy telling me how abused HE is and how I (and my daughter) treat him so badly, and don't care about his feelings, and don't respect him. He is also consistently telling me I am a control freak and that this is our main problem. I always ask him in return that "if I am the control freak why is it then that I am constantly asking him what it is HE wants to do, what it is HE wants for supper, where it is HE wants to go, what movie HE wants to see? Why then is he the one that always has the remote control when we are watching TV and has a fit if I ask him to go back to something as he is constantly channel surfing? And we don't do anything without it being something HE wants to do. He hates to drive into the city. Flat refuses to do so if I ask him to go to the theatre or a comedy club. But if it is to see a ball game he is all ready to go!
I know what I said about his grandfather was mean, and I meant to be mean because he was hurting me and he was in my face pointing and shouting! I wanted to shock him! (I have gotten past feeling hurt and crying, or pleading for him to stop. That is a waste of emotions, time and energy. Now I stand my ground and call a spade a spade, and try not to let his mean words and accusations get to me.) But I can't help feeling that what I said doesn't even remotely compare to the stuff he says to me and my daughter on a regular basis. I can think of so many really, really mean things I could have said over the years, but haven't. I can't help feeling that his reaction was a bit over the top!"
DOES THIS MAKE ME THE ABUSER? IS WHAT HE IS SAYING TO ME TRUE SOMEHOW AND I JUST CAN'T SEE IT?
I realize this is my personal summation of a lot of events, and is one-sided, but if someone can give me some solid feedback or can relate their own experiences to my situation, I would really appreciate it! I am especially interested in hearing from recovering abusers. I really want to understand the mechanics of it all. I really want to see the abusers point of view and why they do this kind of stuff to people they supposedly love when it always ends up causing everyone involved pain and suffering.
Signed, Standing Tall (aka Mad As Hell and Not Taking It Anymore)
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Date: Saturday, January 13, 2001
S1
I have just realised after 20 years that my husband is an abuser. Not so much physical, but the verbal is getting to a point that it is killing me. I suffer from a chronic blood disorder and although he has moments of completely being loving and supportive, he also turns incredibly nasty picking fights and telling me I am to blame. The current verbal abuse is calling me fat and Ugly and that very soon I am going to die. I am still in a state of shock its enough for me to cope with this illness and now being told very soon I will be buried 6ft under with it. I have 3 small children and nowhere to go because I am dependant on him but literally the stress is destroying me physically and mentally. The worse thing is he always turns around and says I deserve it or that I provoked him and now I feel that there must be something wrong with me as well. Last night I was just reading a book and he came to bed and told me the last two times he made love to me he felt so disgusted he had to think of someone else and that very soon I will die. It broke my heart and I just don't know how to deal with this.
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Date: Monday, January 15, 2001
S1
Dear Readers, I cant even get the words out that I want to say ,yet I have thought of nothing else for the last 71/2 years. In the beginning it was very good, I was divorced from my first husband for about 2 years (not because of abuse). I was young and stupid and very selfish the first time and thought I could do better. When I met my present husband (C), I was a single mom trying hard to make ends meet and being a good parent to my daughters. Needless to say when someone came along and wanted to make it all better I jumped for it. He moved things along very fast, before I knew it I moved 3 hours from home. I ended up in a small town with no friends or family. In the beginning he was WONDERFUL but that didn't last long. A few days after we moved into our new beautiful home the raged, angry mean, horrible person came out, I was stunned. I could not believe that this person who "saved me" from my "terrible life" was treating me so awful. I have been intimidated, threatened, belittled, and have had my very identity stolen from me from the person I trusted most. I have tried it all, therapy for me because it had to be my problem I was the one unhappy. Because of my own therapy I learned the truth, the guy who is Mr. wonderful to everyone else in our small town is Dr. Jeckyl, Mr. Hyde. The walking wounded is how I feel. I sometimes wish he would hit me then at least there would be proof. I have at times thought I would loose my mind, I have also thought of killing myself and also wished he would die. After the last 1 1/2 years things are in a little different perspective. I am still in the marriage and am still unhappy. The rageful incidents have stopped due mostly to the help of my church and pastor. While the emotional torture and verbal abuse continue in very subdued ways. I am feeling stronger and working on getting my self-esteem back to make a plan for the future. I realize I can not live this way much longer. Please pray for me, and I am very thankful for a place to be heard.
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Date: Monday, January 15, 2001
S1
I'm so scared of admitting the truth to myself that it is hard to even type my story. I've been married for 5 years and I have a 4 year old daughter. When I first met my husband he was charming. He said all the right words and, did all the right things but that all changed right after we got married.
For the most part he's verbally abusive although, several times he has become violent and hit me. Last year I kicked him out and I after two months took him back again. He said he would go to counseling, he said he would change. But he's still violent, angry, depressed and, verbally abusive. I keep telling him that I don't think I can take much more. Why am I still with him? I know that I deserve a better life.
I hope that some day really soon I have the courage to leave. For my own sanity and for the sanity of my beautiful baby girl.
Tears of Sadness
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Date: Wednesday, January 17, 2001
S1
I am a six-teen year old sophomore in a small town on a small island at first I thought well how much can go wrong and then I heard a bang and it was my memories and future hitting the floor. My life was and still is in the hands of my peers. One day they thought it would be funny to make stories up about me but I didn't find it too amusing when my grade five (don't worry it started in grade five) boyfriend came up to me and said he didn't want to go out anymore because of what he had heard and to this day the people I speak to are of slim pickings I tell you. Who would have thought just one person, one story could ruin someone's life....HELP ME STOP RUMORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Date: Thursday, January 18, 2001
S1
I and my sister were adopted as infants (from different sets of parents). We are two years apart and I am the eldest. My parents constantly fought with each other. My dad was gone for 6 months at a time and I was always ecstatic to see him until the fighting started. My mother has a way of nagging and putting someone down and my father had a really bad temper. I witnessed, while growing up, my father calling us Tag (Korean for pig) and my mother telling him to stop, so he took his arm and swiped breakfast off the table onto the floor. My sister peed her pants and ran. I stayed and watched until he got up into the attic (looking for something-at the time I thought maybe a gun-still don't know what) and told my mom he was going to kill her, then I ran. Once he kicked the windshield out of our van while he was driving the entire family through the mountains in the middle of the night. I remember being 1/2 asleep on the backseat and having broken glass land all over me. I guess I was about 9 yrs old. He told mom he was going to kill us all and headed for the cliff with the van. He stopped just before we went over the edge. That particular argument was about whether addition and multiplication are related mathematical functions (he's an engineer and she's a school teacher). Another time, he was outside and started yelling for mom (who was in the shower) and because she couldn't hear him and didn't answer, he broke down the bathroom door while I watched. One of the worst fights they had that I witnessed was a physical fight where they stood face to face slapping each other and the fight ranged all over the house. I remember being heartbroken when someone stepped on my doll cradle and broke it while they were chasing each other around. Naturally, the violence didn't stop with each other. Dad didn't beat us too much because he wasn't around much. But when he did, he used his hand on our bare butts. I was 13 yrs old the last time he "spanked" me. You would think mom would know better being the object of his abuse, but NO, she was even worse. She thought the biblical command to "spare the rod, spoil the child" meant to beat your children into submission/obedience. Whippings were given regularly. She used objects such as boards, curling irons, belts, sticks and switches. Absolutely anything she could get her hands on. The beatings didn't stop until I left home at 16 yrs of age. As I got older, I no longer cringed and cried when she beat me, and that would infuriate her. So she would beat me harder and longer, all the while screaming at me to repent! I wanted to go live with my dad (they divorced when I was 12) and of course, my sis wanted to go where I did, so my mom traded us to our dad for a Honda Civic. Literally!!! He brought the car and we left with him. He was better to live with, but still had temper problems. He broke a stool over the counter once because I didn't want to call K-Mart and find out what time they closed. As an engineer for the Corps of Engineers, he was transferred overseas which is where I met my next abuser. We moved to Saudi Arabia when I was 17 years old. After living there for a few months, I was at a softball game and started talking to a man who was also watching. He was extremely handsome and charming in the European manner (kissing of hands and bowing, etc.). We fell in love and decided to marry. He was a Saudi so there were many difficulties to marrying. We finally overcame them and got married but I had to come back to the U.S. while he obtained the final permissions to bring me over. This finally occurred and he came to get me. On the way back, we stopped in Singapore for a business meeting he had there. While there, he became angry at me for not dancing "properly". He proceeded to shove me around and drag me by my hair through the hotel suite. I was ready to come back home, but he persuaded me to stay (Ok, I was young and dumb). He said he "needed me" and I desperately wanted to be needed. When I got to his apartment, I found it filled with another woman's possessions. I allowed myself to be persuaded, once again, to stay. During the years we were together, he proceeded to dislocate my jaw twice, my shoulder once, break my nose, choke me and threaten to send me home in multiple pieces. He took my passport and refused to allow me to leave. He monitored all my phone calls and fired (He was the boss) anyone who befriended me or even looked at me. He told me often I was stupid, ignorant, ugly (my picture is on this site-I don't think I'm terribly ugly), etc. etc. He told me several times he could bury me UNDER THE JAIL if I defied him. My self confidence sank and I felt less than nothing. I wasn't sure how to get home without a passport and with my phone calls and movements monitored. Using brains (obviously he didn't think I had) I escaped. Now, do you think I learned my lesson??? Nope...still codependent! I spent a few years going to college and I had a child out of wedlock. I regained confidence in myself by maintaining a 4.0 GPA and doing well in the job market. I was actually doing pretty well with my son and work until the latest husband showed up. I love stock car racing so I took my 4 yr old and we went to the local races. The H was there with his daughter. My son and his daughter were both lying down sleeping in our laps. I went to light a cigarette (bad vice, I know) and he offered me a light. Anyway, we ended up getting married after a whirlwind romance. We actually married 6 months after meeting. His problems didn't show up until I was pregnant with our daughter (about 1 yr later). I believe that what you feel and experience during pregnancy affects the baby, so I don't even watch scary movies. One night he got angry and started ranting and raving and I was in tears begging and pleading for him to stop and to think of the baby. He refused. It went straight downhill from there. Over the 6 yrs we have been married, he has: threatened to kill my son, told him he hates him and that the child is a "Mother...er", eliminated my dog, threatened to punch me in the face, threatened to kill me and that he would happily spend the rest of his life in jail, spit in my face repeatedly, punched holes in the walls, destroyed my personal belongings, taken a kitchen chair and reduced it to kindling in front of the kids, thrown drinks in my face, tried to push me down the stairs, screamed at our daughter and called her a B*tch and scared her so bad she peed her pants. He also slapped his own daughter in the face when she tried to intervene and knocked her to the ground. I found myself becoming angrier and angrier. I started to yell at everyone all the time. I didn't like him or me. I couldn't even have a civil conversation with him over the slightest thing. He threatened to destroy my corvette, my computer (he did try with that one, had his step-son delete all internet connections) and tried to get me fired from my 2nd job. He actually went to the restaurant and complained and told them to fire me. They refused. The final straw was when he tried to strangle me in a house full of people. I promptly left with my kids. We lived in a motel for 2 1/2 months and on Thanksgiving Day, we moved into our beautiful, 3 bedroom apartment. I am filing for divorce next month and Thank GOD everyday that we escaped. I have read and cried and am discovering why I end up where I do. I absolutely NEVER want to travel this path again. Anyone who can give me any advise on how to avoid the same mistakes is welcome!
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 19, 2001
S1
Aim 25 years old and got married at 18. For the wrong reason I got pregnant. So you can say I start off wrong. Me and husband are going on 7 years. He has a bad Temper. He never hurt me Yet. He throws thing or punches what ever is near him Well am at the max I never grew up in a household like this. I just thought that when you get married that it your stuck. I was told different bye a friend and realize that I don't have olive unhappy anymore and scare that the next time he blows up that will be the one that gets punched I do love him but I think I have fallen out of love I am so confused. I told him I thinking about moving on. I have been a housewife the whole time so this is going to be a change to me. But I am ready. Now he know I am wanting to move on. I get all this "I love you" look around me what everything he has bought me. I told him he can't buy me love. So it hurts me know to hear all this and try so hard to keep myself focus on what I need to do get out. He makes it really hard. My poor daughter is having so much trouble at school. Hitting and violent behavior. She has waken me up and realize we can't go on like this. She is so scared of him. I just want to do the right things in life. Me and him have noting in common anymore. I having affair but I tell myself if I was getting what I need at home I wouldn't be looking I guess I say that so I make me feel as I am not doing wrong. I hope I am not making a mistake. All I want out of life (happy and love). It going to be a long, hard road. Haven't work for 7 years and never live on own. But life can't be easy or there would be more trouble here than ever. I forgot to mention that he cheated on me 2 year into marriage and I didn't leave then when I should of because I had no where to go. I think that is what he think now. Just trying to figure out what to do with the feelings he throw at me to make me feel that I am wrong. I know I am not perfect either but I am by far violent. Thank you for just listening...
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, January 20, 2001
S1
Here is my story. Though I have had a good number of prior relationships, I never knew people like this existed, nor did I know I was capable of feeling like this. I am on my way to recovery; maybe telling my story will help. It's going to be a long one...
We met as friends/acquaintances. I noticed she seemed rather aloof, kind of lost in her own world. She communicated primarily by talking about herself; I didn't notice at the time that she never seemed that interested in who I was. She began to call me a lot. I thought she just wanted to talk. And talk she did...always about herself and how bored and lonely she was. I thought she was sweet, funny, and she seemed to have a great desire to be happy and enjoy life. I felt as if she wanted my company. I was quite flattered that this beautiful woman was seeking my attention.
We talked on the phone a lot. When I needed to hang up, she would always act hurt or upset, as if I were being mean by having to disconnect a 90-minute phone call. I felt as if she was just starved for attention. And I was lonely myself; it had been a long time since I was in a relationship. One night, she called and asked me to take her out. We had a really good time. Suddenly, before I knew it, we were together everyday. There was an incredible physical attraction; we made love all the time, every day. She told me I had won her over, that I was beautiful, perfect in every way, that I was "the one". I felt it strange that she was saying things after dating only for three weeks, but I thought "Wow; she is really sincere." She cried in my arms, begged me never to leave her or hurt her. This had a very powerful effect. She had the guts to show me her wounded inner child, and I wanted to comfort it. It proved to me that she had love to give, and was afraid. I felt so much compassion for her. I had been lonely too, and I didn't want to be hurt, and I felt it was safe to love her. I held back no longer.
After several months of bliss, companionship and non-stop sex, she began to worry about us. She voiced her concerns that I was just using her, that she was my dirty secret, that I hadn't let her into my world enough. I was somewhat slow in introducing her to my friends (whom I don't see much anyway), and I felt I needed to know her better. I felt in time she would relax and enjoy and let things develop naturally, and soon we would settle into mature love. I knew we were in the wild romantic phase, and sometimes that can create a little fear...it was OK. However, she became more moody, and fearful that someday I would "destroy her." She accused me of having other relationships behind her back, and nothing I said would seem to convince her this wasn't true. I felt bad; why wouldn't she just trust me? I became frustrated with this; she would talk about how it wasn't right for us to be together if we weren't going to eventually be married. (Talking marriage after only three months???). I told her that we needed to take things day by day, and if we woke up married in a few years, great! But let's talk about that when we get there. It wasn't enough for her. That's when it began. She suddenly backed off, and withheld affection and sex. The sudden change panicked me. It seemed that I was about to lose her because she was afraid I would hurt her someday. I had thoughts of her, crying in my arms, begging not to be hurt, and thought she was so fearful, and she just wanted love. Just like me. I went to her and held her, telling her I loved her, and I wanted things to work and that I was willing to do that with her. I felt so strongly that I cried. She seemed convinced, and soon things were back to normal, but the rules had changed. She was demanding, asking me to do favors for her, be with her constantly, because it was important to her. What also changed was sex; before we made love spontaneously, and very often. Now, we only did it when she said "I deserved it." I also noticed that when we did things I wanted to do, she was very passive-aggressive; i.e., when I picked the activity, she'd be in a bad mood most of the time. She was controlling the dynamic of our relationship, rather than letting it happen. And since suddenly she was using sex to regulate the amount of closeness or distance, I was becoming a slave to it. Though I didn't notice it at the time, it was all about her needs and wants, and mine were quietly put on the backburner. But somehow I felt as if I had to do what she wanted all the time, otherwise she wouldn't believe that I loved her. And I did love her, so so much...so much I cried.
We had to separate for six weeks for business obligations, and the time leading up to it was spent having me be drawn into her world. I met her family, spent every spare minute with her. She loved me, she talked constantly about how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, wanted to have children with me, loved me more than anything. We were so in love. Still, she worried that when we were apart that I'd find someone else, and hurt her. She was afraid to come back and find me with someone else. I told her this would never ever happen. I would wait for her. She encouraged me to make plans for our future. And we parted. I missed her so much. I had spent practically every waking hour with her for a long time, and the separation was traumatic. I cried when she called to ask if I had a new girlfriend yet. I sent her love letter after love letter, filled with every thought that crossed my mind, my thoughts of her, our dreams for the future. It was a tough wait, but the rewards would be many. I wanted her to know I would not hurt her or cheat on her, and I felt if she had the letters it would reassure her. I missed her terribly. I had dreams every night about us. Our future, our children, our home.
But then there was another shift. She began to question the relationship. She began to find fault with me, and told me this in letters and phone calls. It frightened me. I asked what was happening. I could not believe that only four weeks ago she was saying she wanted to have children with me, and now she was expressing doubts. Combined with the distance, it caused me to long for her even more. I figured it was a phase, and it would pass. I crossed my fingers, and counted the days. She returned a totally changed person. The night she returned, she rolled over and went to sleep. She never even said she missed me. I stayed awake in bed, and I cried. Then the abuse began.
I hoped and prayed for a happy reunion, but she seemed cold, and angry about something. She didn't want to have sex. When I asked if we could, she raised her voice and told me to "get off her back". I tried to be patient and understanding, but she just got worse. Name-calling, belittling everything I said or felt. Discounting, accusations,...and the manipulation. Saying things to upset me, and laughing when I looked stunned and upset. When I was upset, she would tell me to "lighten up". I was "too sensitive", I "felt too much" I was "too romantic", ... It went on and on. Before I was the perfect person. Now I was a "faggot", "idiot", "dork", any insult she could find. Anytime I asked what was wrong, I was being "too serious". I felt it was all my fault. I thought I was going crazy. I thought she didn't love me anymore because I loved her too much. I began to believe it was wrong for me to want to sleep with her, it was wrong for me to want affection and warmth. She would rage about her "boring life", and I would try to comfort her, only to be pushed away. She liked that. Acting seductive and sexual...I would respond with enthusiasm; "Yes! She's back!", then she would push me away and say "DON'T TOUCH ME!!". She would give me the "finger" and say "F**K YOU!!" for no reason. I would be stunned and she would tell me I "couldn't take a joke". It went on and on. Every time I backed off, she'd act seductive until I responded, then she'd turn to stone again. If we did manage to go out and have a good time, sooner or later it would start feeling close, and she'd find a way to insult me. I would have sold my soul to make love with her again. I was totally under her control, and didn't realize it. I thought that since she still wanted me to be with her all the time, that soon things would return to normal. Instead, she grew more and more distant, and more abusive. If I called her on anything, she would not repeat it, but she'd find another way to hurt me. It grew more and more covert.
I started going to therapy when I realized I was crying everyday. I told my story. I wanted to know what was happening. What I did wrong. It took two months to figure out I did nothing wrong, other than not save myself by getting away from her. So I tried. I broke away from her many times, and when I did, she would call and act sad and tell me how important I was to her. We would get together, and she'd be cold. She told me she wasn't attracted to me anymore, and she was moving on. I was so hurt, but I decided I could move on also. But when I did, she would call and, again, be cute and seductive...only until I responded. We do this over and over. She'll be kind, and say she wants to be friends. But it always starts getting close, and she'll be affectionate. As soon as I reciprocate her affection, she'll stop. Then the next day, she'll call and say terrible things to hurt me. I disengage, hang up,...and then later she'll apologize. But it happens all over again. I cannot shake her. I know inside she loves me. There's just too much fear. She resents my openness, my desire for equality, mutuality, respect, warmth. I keep thinking if I show her those things, sooner or later she'll see it's safe to love me. Only recently I realized this will probably never happen. But she still calls when she's lonely. And I can't seem to shake her. I ask for what I want, and she abuses me. I tell her I won't tolerate her abuse, and it escalates. She even told me I needed to be away from her (how crass!) and I did it...but she still calls, asking me if I'm "getting laid". The last thing she said to me: "I just like to say things to get a reaction out of you. I like it when you look like a confused three year old." Quite a change, coming from the woman I loved with all my heart, who wanted to have children with me, who cried in my arms and begged me never to hurt her.
D.F.
