More Covert Abuse
Material posted here is
intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute
for informed advice from your own health care provider.
Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyright© 2000. The material on this
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contact the author at Doc@drirene.com
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
An example: He and She have kids. He counts on her to take care of their kids, and takes the time to do his stuff, but does not reciprocate: a. because he's selfish (does not want to help or do anything he does not care to do), and b. he does not acknowledge (whether only to her or also to himself) that she is the one who enables him to do what he wants.
Another example: When "victim" is working on something, and "abuser" finds himself (or herself; could go either way) "stuck" with taking care of the kids, he does his best not to succeed (so kid keeps going to mom and disturbs her work), blames it on the mom ("It's not my fault, you raise her that way, so she prefers you!"), and also complains about the time mom spends doing "her things" (hint: I deem them unimportant) instead of being with him (abuser feels neglected because victim does something other than take care of him).
The main covert abuse here, perhaps, is the ways the partner manages not to be a partner, not to help, not to do his share, but in a covert and manipulative way. :)
I have 3 kinds of questions:
One is, what should the victim do in such a situation? Take
care of the self. Always, always, always. Everything else takes care of itself. Or, at least, is there a correct reaction to when the abuser blames his failure to keep child from disturbing mom - on mom's parenting!
Two is, what general advice do you have, Dr. Irene, about how one should react to covert abuse? Telling the abuser what he does only sounds like complaining. In general, I miss this in many places on your wonderful site. Often I find myself asking: "OK, so what SHOULD the victim have done?"
Look at these two pages with Q & A:
Dealing With Your Abuser: When Words Won't Work.
We need you to tell us how a healthy, self-respecting person would behave when confronted with such abusive behaviour. Three is, are all these examples of covert abuse abusive only when the abuser-type does them? No. Victims can learn to dish it out too, though the underlying motivation is not the same. Because when my partner behaves unkindly to our 3 year old, I protect HER feelings and not his. So am I guilty of the abuse "prefers his kid's feelings over yours" covert abuse? Huh? Please explain. NO! Setting limits is not abuse! (Especially when done firmly and calmly; just work on it if you get nasty.) He overstepped his boundaries; he diminished his integrity by hurting the child. When you defend the child, you are simply correcting his misbehavior to the extent you can; you are not enabling him to continue hurting her.
Many thanks for your wonderful site. B. I'm sorry for the spotty answers, but your questions are BIG and deserve their own forum. I will try to spell out healthy ways to think and act more.
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
I started dating my husband over 18 years ago. I had been in an extremely abusive relationship (mostly psychological/verbal) which ended in 1980. I met my husband in early 1982. He seemed like such a gentle, kind and philosophical man that I did not recognize his abusiveness. In fact, back then there wasn't much information or even names for the problems that existed. Egs.: Abusive relationships, Anorexia/bulimia/self-abuse, panic attacks, date rape, etc.
When I first started dating my husband I was 23, he was 41. (The girl he was dating before me was only 17 years old.) I fell in love at first sight. He was twice divorced, no kids. We saw each other frequently for the first few weeks. Then, no call for almost a month. Back then there were no answering machines, no call waiting or caller ID. Needless to say, I'd spend every free moment sitting perched on the phone. He called usually around 3:00 am to verbally masturbate while I hung on every word. He would expound on metaphysics and philosophy. Since I was such a young woman, he had the perfect audience.
I didn't realize at all that he was abusive for a very, very long time. Even today, victims may not realize what's going on for a very, very long time. Although he seemed to be infatuated with me, he was controlling the relationship totally by making me wait for him. Let's rephrase that in a way that empowers you: The young girl did not have the self-esteem or skills to tell him what to do with it, so she unwittingly allowed herself to be controlled...
For several months I felt that he loved me, although he never said it, but he would not make a commitment. I maintained my friendships with others. One friend was a man. It was strictly platonic, and he knew it. Three months into our relationship he made a date with me to take me to dinner on my 24th birthday. I had been out the night before with my male friend and, of course, told him about it. It was no big deal. The night of my birthday I met him at his house. We drove across town to meet his friends at a restaurant. He did not speak to me the entire drive downtown. I didn't know why he wasn't speaking to me and I was too afraid to ask. When we got to the restaurant with his friends, the silent treatment continued. He told his friends that he was going to California. This was a shock to me. All through dinner he didn't speak to me once. We went back to his friend's house. He went out on the porch with his buddy while I remained inside with his buddy's wife. The trip home was no different. Total silence. He drove with both hands on the wheel. I finally mustered the courage to ask him what was wrong. He replied, "It's just not working out".
I was totally destroyed. I started to weep and simply asked him to let me out of the car. He promptly pulled off of the freeway. I opened the door and ran out of the car. I was sobbing. But silly me, I didn't think that a grown man would leave a young woman out in the middle of nowhere late at night. I was wrong. He went home. He just left me there on my birthday with no valid explanation and no concern whatsoever of my safety. I was picked up by a man who was kind enough to drive me back to my car.
I looked in the window of his house. He was talking to his ex-wife. I knocked on his door. He told me to go home. I told him that apparently I had cast my pearls before swine and left. A month later he called again. I foolishly met with him. Again, he had no solid answer for his actions. This whole incident had nothing to do with his disinterest in me. One does not break off a relationship in such a manner when the rejected party is clearly going to be hurt. These things are done compassionately and gently. Yes.
It occurred to me years later why he did what he did. It was covert hostility that was being directed towards me. He was mad, angry. And very much so. He just refused to admit it. To this day he still maintains ignorance in regards to what his true feelings or intentions were. Correct. What I now realize is that he simply wanted a little girl there at his beck and call. One he could manipulate, one that worshipped him and had no life except for the one she had with him. This is what he wanted. And that's why he dated very young women. It's all about CONTROL. Yes. He wanted a woman who would allow herself to be controlled.
There is no way he'd ever get away with treating an older woman in such a fashion. Not true, by the way. Just tips the balance of power even more in his favor. Yes, I stayed with him. But the behavior persisted for many years after that. I wrote him a note a year into our relationship. It read, "You have diminished my ability to trust. But I conclude from your actions that one person's opposition is miniscule in the overall achievement of your quest. Just as a terrorist rationalizes that one death is a pertinent sacrifice for a people or a cause. You are a narcissistic, pathetic little man. The benevolence and compassion you pontificate is merely for your own personal gain. You are searching for praise, not love. You are trying to acquire the adoration of people, not truth and goodness". Pretty astute for a young woman. Yes. Very astute, but you missed that he does not have the power to diminish your ability to trust. Only you can do that.
Why I didn't have the courage to drop him, I don't know. Perhaps it was because I had such low self-esteem coupled with the fact that he was a master of elocution and manipulation. A lethal combo. His ego was destroyed by the letter. He continued to pursue me, of course. Four years into our relationship I became pregnant. When I was 6 months pregnant, I broke it off with him because he wouldn't commit. He never called me.
Approaching my due date, I broke down and called him. I was scared. I thought that I could have the child on my own, which I was prepared to do, but I weakened. When our son was 15 months old, he reluctantly agreed to marry me. How romantic! We now have three children, ages 15, 11 & 7. I am 42 and he is 60. At this stage, I am too old for him and he is too old for me!
The moral here? If there is no equality, balance of power or respect...then get out. It's ABUSE. I've been fighting for nearly 20 years for these things. These aren't things I should be fighting for. They belong to me. He knows now that I am capable of leaving him. And he knows that I will if he continues with his abusive treatment. I'm just too old and way too young to waste another minute being treated unfairly. Incyndiary@aol.com Do you see what you did? You TOOK your power as only you can take it; you started to take responsibility for your own life. Good for you and keep it up!
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
An example I'm not sure of: Your partner messes up but does not "clean after himself". When you ask him to please correct his mistake/clean up the mess he made he a. denies he did it (it can be spilling the coffee all over the floor right in front of you and your kid), b. attacks you for being "hysterical" and bugging him, and c. tells you that if you have a problem, you clean up the mess. It's none of his concern, and he plans to do nothing. I think you can make a case for covert abuse. Whatever it is, it is yukky. Handle it by calmly a. Telling him it doesn't matter who did it, would he please clean it up; b. Calmly tell him that whether or not you are hysterical is besides the point, and please clean it up; c. Clean up the mess and pack your emotional and or physical bags.
Now let's say it was the other way around: I mess up (I'm human too). I immediately say: "Oops! I messed up" (Oh, I spilled the coffee! Oh, I don't believe it! I forgot to pay the car insurance!) and then I immediately proceed to correct my mistake. If it happens that he finds out before me (Gee! You forgot to pay the car insurance!) I own it (God! I did! I don't believe it! How could I?) and immediately start to correct it.
That's what convinces me that what he does is covert abuse. Also, it is a pattern of his, to mess up, to not pay attention. Had that been a once or twice a year thing - OK, but when it's a pattern, it's covert abuse. I agree.
I am explaining this because I've just read "how to be unhappy" in the abuser pages, and I found that one of the things the abuser does is pick on "messes other people do", and starts an argument where he is always "right" in his "justified anger" at what seems like other people's imperfections. So I started thinking: "Am I the abuser here, because I ask him to clean up his messes?" No! Stop getting twisted - by the way, you are in good company, but please stop it anyway. You are asking him to take care of his end of the deal and he is refusing. He is being disrespectful towards you - and towards himself. He is also provoking you to get mad and act out. Don't bite! If you do, he can turn around and blame you for "yelling" or whatever. That's the game. You can fall into the trap of behaving abusively yourself if you start yelling, and that will diminish your own self esteem. Recognize the provocation and don't bite. Pull away emotionally because he just played with your head.
But then I thought that I feel like the abuser because his abuse is covert. Right. And you are the one who looks bad if you act upset with his irresponsible behavior. I am the one walking on eggshells with HIM, I choose many times to just clean up and not even mention to him that he messed up. (I guess you would say that this is the ultimate goal of his behaviour: to create a house where he can do anything he wants and make other take care of him and his, without his needing to ask for it, acknowledge it or thank for it), because I simply don't want to be attacked. He may want that indeed, though my guess is that he feels contempt towards you if he gets what he wants. Take care of yourself: Your own self respect should dictate that you do not allow yourself to be manipulated, so you pull away and set limits. As you begin to respect yourself, and as he sees you mean it - or bye - he begins to respect you, and in many cases (but not always) cleans up his act.
He almost always attacks me for even mentioning the fact that something he did was not perfect (he feels so stupid and useless): sometimes he attacks me verbally and adds to the damage (to punish me for saying anything or expecting him to actually clean up), other times he just attacks me verbally, in either case he does not clean up his mess. Rarely, he attacks me verbally but grudgingly cleans up after himself. So, is that covert abuse? Yes. It's mixed with overt abuse. Am I also abusive here? No, unless you are disrespecting yourself by letting your frustration get the best of you. Even so, you are not "abusive" because you are not the one who is provoking. You may be misbehaving abusively, but you are "engaging" with his junk. The abuser provokes, the victim engages. Both can behave poorly. See the difference?
If letting him get away with it (not mentioning it and doing his cleaning for him) is wrong victim and co-dependent behaviour, and calling his attention to the mess is a. perhaps abusive? b. futile (he does not clean anyway) and c. only facilitates overt abuse - is there a third way I don't see, other than just leaving him and taking our child with me, or than letting the mess stand (the majority of the messes are such, that doing that will cause a lot of damage which we cannot afford or fix. I did try this a few times. Nothing happened. He did nothing.)? Thanks. B.
No. You've tried all that. He has set up a no-win situation. The only way I know of that may work in rectifying the marriage in the long run is for you to refuse to put up with his abuse. But, needless to say, never pack your bags to send a message or to fix the marriage. Pack your bags when you've done everything you can and you've had enough. There are no guarantees. You leave because you have to take care of yourself by removing yourself from a situation that is toxic.
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
-Since he gets home from work at a certain hour every night and likes supper at that time, you start making supper at that time so he goes and does something else first and gets home an hour later without phoning. You eat the nice, warm dinner alone and let his get cold. He has only been to the gym or where ever but in the meantime your meal is ruined. No it's not; you enjoyed it! You ask for an explanation why he couldn't call just to say he'd be late, knowing that a meal would be prepared at a certain time. No you don't. This is engaging. It is exactly what he wants you to do. You disengage because you work on not caring. If he chooses to come home late without calling, he has to deal with cold food. See, it's not your problem. He gets angry at you for trying to control his behaviour and being insecure that you would think that he might be out doing something he shouldn't be doing. Even though you are standing there on a Friday night with a cold supper explaining that it just is rude not to call and leave a message. Stop codepending with him. Let him care more about the temperature of his dinner than you do.
Doesn't ask you to go to work functions when female co-workers are going to be there because you'll probably embarrass him by looking insecure or worse yet, you might act jealous so it's best to leave you at home. Yuk! What a put down! Be out the door before you stand for this type of disrespect.
Tells you how insecure you are and how you must be suffering from low self esteem because you react to his endless talk about women he works with or has talked to during the day. He's right. The fix: Stop reacting; stop caring. Why would you want to spend time with a person who has nothing to do but spend endless time talking about other women? You deserve better; find it.
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
Dear Dr. Irene- I submitted a lengthy post on the Yak board last week - got lots of "agreement" and "applause". One "poster" suggested I submit it to you-perhaps you would like to look over my list "Rules in our household" Sincerely, Sunshine
Send it to me; I'd love to see it! Rules@drirene.com
8/10 Got it! Posted it here. Excellent list of awful rules... Thank you Sunshine.
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
Responds to "I love you" with, "yeah, me too" when away on a trip...already feeling insecure about his whereabouts due to previous infidelity. Then refusing to discuss it, "You know I love you" later on, or pretending "it's ridiculous" that it wasn't purposeful or never happened. But, it did happen and it doesn't matter whether or not it is purposeful: It is painful and disrespectful. Listen to your body. Don't put up with it.
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
Rewrites history and then when contradicted with the truth he says you have a chemical imbalance and need help (his shrink confirms there's nothing "wrong" with me.) I really was starting to think I was nuts. Yuk! This was a good lesson for you; now you know whom you should be doubting
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
Trying again. When I read the covert abuse list - SO familiar. I understand better why I still felt awful when my ex stopped much of the overt abuse. Here are a few more examples: * He is "too busy" to talk about the relationship - for months at a time. * He will not discuss plans for the future -- or makes them and tells nothing, ie. suddenly he is gone on a trip; people show up to visit unannounced? But he knew; He has already made a down payment on a new house; * there are pictures all over his house of kids, ex, friends, dogs, but none of you. Ugh. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk... Sheer contempt.
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
The post about not cleaning up messes hit home with me! my husband told me shortly after our marriage that if he does a household repair, the least I can do is clean up the mess. He will also create messes in the kitchen. If he doesn't clean up, I don't dare say anything; he will act resentful and put upon. He is also into clutter, and has ignored my requests to keep it under control. If I clean it up, he becomes angry at me for "messing with" his stuff. If you took your power, it would go something like this: Tell him you need to tell him you are renegotiating your agreement regarding making messes (no defense or explanation). Announce that if his clutter gets out of hand in your eyes, you will let him know - and the next day, you will clean it up if he doesn't. You really don't want to hear about having his stuff "messed with." Same with kitchen messes. If he doesn't clean a mess he made in the kitchen, he can expect an expensive cleaning service to. Then do it!
Another "biggie": asking me what I want to do, then becoming angry because I don't give the "right" answer, THEN criticizing me because I'm reluctant to state my preferences. ("What's wrong with you! You can never make a decision! or "Can you tell me what you DO want, instead of what you DON'T?") Tell him your preference then tell him to deal with it and knock off the criticism if he doesn't like the answer.
Also: being offended at the idea that I have the right to ask him to do things, or not do things, or keep promises. The idea is that if he honors my request, he's given up some power. So he acts as though he's being ordered--and he fights back. My guess is that he feels controlled, like he really has no choice, when in fact, he does. Just say something like, "Stop making a fuss; all you have to do is say no." Don't try to cajole him into doing anything; hire somebody to do it instead.
And the ultimate: Looking at me, lips in a tight line, slowly shaking head. Meaning: Boy, are you ever a disappointment! Walk away; why would you want to be in the company of an individual who thinks so poorly of you?
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
Sitting here with a HUGE BLACK EYE, received a few hours ago...Yes, he is out. No, I did not call the police. He will go to jail. This is a second offence. I already have an order of protection against him. HE WILL LOSE HIS JOB AND I COULD LOSE MY HOUSE, (o.k. I know what you are thinking, it may be a house but it is not a home, it's my prison).
He came to court last December and readily agreed to all terms in front of the judge. The order stated he attend counseling with an anger management specialist, specifically named on the order. He has never been to see this counselor due to an "irritating geographical location", translation, tooooooo far! He has dropped out of two abusers groups because, "They are all low lifes and I am as NOT as bad as these losers."
Why does it take the total and complete end of the relationship for the abuser to want/get help? Is it denial? Is their realization that the abused person is emotionally exhausted, drained and beyond participation in the crazy dance. I have allowed him to return my times before, with the result being his repositioning of attach tactics. Why is he such a great guy to the outside world and a relentless manipulator of me.
Being wife number 3, he has really heated up his pursuit of my complete domination due to my getting mentally healthy through therapy and support. He calls my group the Lesbian Men Haters. My abuser has so much empathy for himself. Yet...his empathy for me is shown only when he is "kicked out" of the house.
A DVC, (domestic violence counselor), told me that for some couples deep in the cycle of control, the abuse almost has a life of its' own. Not to negate any persons' responsibility with this point, but the couple may have little conscience thought regarding their actions and reactions, during the abuse cycle. That is true, the abuse has a life of it's own. But don't ever confuse having it's own fuel with the owner, cognizant or not, with not having responsibility for the action!
I do understand my co-dependence, denial, the and floating feeling of total detachment, that accompanies the abuse I suffer. I participated in one current and two previous, weekly women’s' group counseling sessions, held at a domestic violence center and shelter. Counselors complete rigorous domestic violence training.
In years past I attended with my abuser, four individual marital counselors, who were inexperienced in domestic violence. Two were completed fooled by the witty and charming interactions my extremely intelligent husband displayed. I was subjected to abuse by both my husband and the counselor, (this I learned from a DVC). They even rolled their eyes together once, and gave each other knowing looks, (HERE SHE GOES AGAIN), as I spoke. On another occasion, they laughed out loud at me. Ignorant, at best.
I was belittled and humiliated while the counselor bolstered his ability to control, manipulate and gaslight me. "Oh, come on that's not abuse - you are just thin skinned and overly emotional." "You need Prozac!" I tried it and guess what, I STILL CANNOT TOLERATE HIS NEED TO DOMINATE AND CONTROL ME. The same reaction occurred with Zoloft.
He broke my nose three years ago. He stood over as the blood gushed everywhere. Shocked and panic stricken, I was screaming uncontrollably. My 15 year old step-son was extremely honorable. He bolted into the bedroom and shouted at his father to get away from me. As blood gushed all over me and the floor, my husband took his large hand forcefully pushed it over my mouth to muffle my screaming, (he feared the neighbors would call the police). However, I became even more hysterical because I could not breath through the gushing blood and he was hurting the broken nose further. His son said he would call an ambulance. Abuser, shouting at the top of his lungs said, "Oh no you won't. She is just fine her nose is not broken, she is just hamming it up". Son shouting back, "Dad she is hurt and this is really XXXXXX up!" My abuser screamed, “I will xxxxxxx dis-own you. You are not my son." Horrible situation.
Son ran to neighbors and called police. Abuser went to jail. Guards never let him sleep that night, kept rattling his cell and calling out, "How's it going, wife beater?” He proclaimed that was a wake-up call to change. CHANGE his tactics to more covert methods, that's what changed. Sad.
I need surgery to breath properly and must use nose inhalers constantly. I keep putting off that surgery. The violence stopped for a few years but the verbal abuse raged on. I sometimes wondered when it is going to enough for me to get it. When I lose an eye or a finger? I am being treated by a shrink for serious panic attacks, ANY WONDER???? None. Your body is talking to you. Listen.
I think I understand what a soldier's battle fatigue is like, constantly on edge and ready for the next missile to fire off. I left two wonderful high paying jobs due to a little stress and challenge at work. I could not handle both home and work being combative. You shouldn't have to.
Two counselors challenged and begged me to leave him. I wasn't ready to face that reality and ended the counseling due to panic/denial/fear. I am not exaggerating in telling you during a solo session one counselor got on the floor, clasped her hands together and said, "He does this because he has no capacity for real intimacy, love or joy. He will destroy what is left of this relationship and/or destroy you. His severe self-hatred results in a disdain for you because you love of him. He views you as weak and unworthy since you tolerate this environment. He is the worst type of abuser, called a viper." His attacks are vicious assaults launched whenever he is displeased, his every need is not met, he feels ignored OR he sees me happy or enjoying something while he is not. He is covert and plays gaslighting games. He is determined to always take me down a notch. Ugh.
A favorite tactic of his is to walk out of the room while I am telling a really good story, event, etc. This usually happens after he has received my complete attention for 20 or 30 minutes of his stories or complains on his day. If I protest, he will holler from another room, Oh, keep going I can still hear you. Old me would get up and go follow & engage. New you knows better!
With an irritated tone in my voice,
"Why did you walk away like that on me? That is INCREDIBLY RUDE!"
Abuser, "That is not rudeness. Define rudeness.
Victim, "Rudeness is awkward, uncouth, unmannered socially unacceptable behavior."
Abuser, "You obviously do not know what is socially acceptable behavior in society today. I am sorry your mother was so mentally ill when you were a child that you did not develop proper social skills. That is probably way you have never risen above an upper level clerk position at your office and why you don't even make a third of my salary. And PLEASE let's not cry again about how hard you work. Yeah, Yeah, we all know that poor little S_____ is the hardest working woman in the world. She's the only one who works sooooo hard. You don't even know what real work is because...and pardon me, your a grunt."
Victim, "How dare you bring up my poor dead Mother!!"
Abuser, If you can't stand the truth then why did you tell it to me."
Victim, "I do not appreciate your throwing my Mother's name around in an argument."
Abuser, "Your the one who started it by following me around with your pathetic story. Who cares about you stupid discussion with that brainless skillet faced-xxxxx at your office."
Victim, "What is the matter with you. You are mean and vicious! Who do you think you are talking like that about my friend."
Abuser, "As long as you waste your time with a loser like her, you have nothing to say that I'm going to want to hear. And by the way since you have all this spare time to yak, I guess you are not the hardest working woman."
Fortunately, I learned to just stop talking! If I don't engage back he has no firing power. Right! But, sadly what a waste of time and energy having to think, guard and prepare for the next attack. Yeah, that really worked tonight. You can only push a person so far before they will engage. With all I have learned, I am amazed that I can be pulled right into it. There are things he call say and BANG we’re off and running.
I an not going to give up hope for myself! I set goals in group. I work out a lot when things get really bad. I get on my trampoline and release those endorphins for inner peace. I am not going to continue my deluded thought process of trying to help fix him. That is romance novel thinking! Yes. Accept that the only peace you will have in life is likely without him.
If I can center as much attention on fixing myself as I do on him, I might just drop my denial mask and resolve my status of a Pleaser/Doormat and stop seeking out abusers while calling the nice mentally healthy people boring! I feel a little hopeful as the sun is rising. Am I in another denial? I do not know. When I look in the mirror I cannot be in denial of a big purple face and eye! Correct. You see your problem, but are wavering on doing what you know you have to do. You wish you didn't have to. Yet, your body is telling you very clearly, "GO!" Just hold your breath, close your eyes, take the plunge, and don't open them till you've done what you have to do. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy.
Good luck to all of you on this journey. I hope we can all free ourselves of the shackles from those past horrors or traumas that helped developed our unhealthy behaviors and thought processes. The control can be a two way street. Is not our never ending need and desire to fix the abuser OUR attempt at controlling them instead of walking away from all of this drama? Absolutely. Do we not engage in passive-aggressive behavior in quiet retaliation of there control. Yes, and compromise your integrity in the process. What is so good about all of this, is that you see your input. You see how you accept his invitation to engage.
As a informed codependent victim, I have been able at times to emotionally pull away from a confrontation with him and watch him in action. When I turn the tables on him he becomes very confused. He expects me to always be the person he exploits...a loving, honest, passionate & nurturing person. When I respond to his verbal assaults with, "O.K., whatever., or Well that's your opinion., or Sorry you feel that way there is nothing I can do about it". He then tries something else. Yep. And it's very hard to be on your toes all the time looking to diffuse the invites. There comes a time when you realize you have to remove yourself from a toxic situation, want to or not, if you are to survive.
Did not David Viscott offer: (and I paraphrase liberally) After many years of control, the victim will eventually lose hope and disengage from the abuser either emotionally and/or physically. Yep; true. This site is about helping to empower you before you reach that space, or helping you to take your life back if you already have. That's why you want to take responsibility and take your power.
Thank you,
kde1@mindspring.com The Future Reformed Victim/Co-Dependant/People Pleasing/ Doormat/Passive Aggressive/Panic Attack Prone Hang in there. You can do this; never, ever take him back. The counselor who got on his or her knees was 100% accurate in what he or she told you about him.
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
EXCUSES FOR ABUSE!!!!
TIRED
HUNGRY
ATTENTION DEFICIT
LOW BLOOD SUGAR
I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT.........
WORK IS REAL TOUGH RIGHT NOW...
MY TEAM LOST
I CAN'T STAND XXXXXX, BEING AROUND HIM/HER MAKES ME MAD AND I TAKE IT OUT ON YOU.
I HATE SHOPPING, THIS THEATER, FOOD, TOWN, CAR, HOTEL, WEATHER, TRIP
Thanks,
KDE1
YUK! "I don't care what your problem is; deal with it."
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
This is a brilliant article! My bf's abuse has been both overt and covert, but since we discovered the whole 'verbal abuse' thing, it became almost exclusively covert. Very VERY crazy making! After all, if he's not yelling at me anymore, everything's okay, right? Hmmm.. let me think of some examples to add.. Always forgetting my religious holidays, and even when I remind him or am celebrating them myself he wouldn't acknowledge them. Your task: Ignore him. Go about your celebration and don't bother reminding him to do something he is sure to "forget." If you try to get him to acknowledge your holidays, you are trying to control him! Not worth it!
Saying he wants me to be able to talk to him about 'anything' but withdrawing and becoming very cold and unsupportive when I do seek emotional support (and then later getting upset when I tell him I don't feel I can rely on him for emotional support). You "bit." He invited and you engaged.
Being late. Leave without him. Refusing to indulge my needs. Say, we're on vacation, and I'm hungry and I ask if we can stop and get a bite. He says, "No, we'll wait till we get to the hotel. Is that okay?" I say no, but he doesn't stop anyway. Treating me like a child: "You can only have your friends visit if you promise not to make noise.." Does that sound like an equal relationship? So, why allow yourself to remain?
The problem with covert abuse is that it's very hard VERY, VERY hard! to call the abuser on it, or to explain it to anyone else without coming across as an overly-sensitive crybaby. "So he forgets your holidays- men can't be expected to remember that kind of stuff. What's the big deal?" But in the context of an abusive relationship as a whole, this is all a big deal! YES! Covert abuse to me was being told that this person loved me, and that I could depend on them, but their actions showed that I was not a high priority in their life and I was foolish to depend on them. -SatokoGirl Good! You took responsibility: "I was foolish to depend on them." You power is in your ability to stop depending on them.
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
My abusive brother steals items. When I ask if he has seen the item he denies seeing it, while he has actually stolen it. Some examples: on a visit with my parents (he lived with them) a necklace that was a gift from a friend disappears. I wore it everyday. I had mentioned to him how much I liked it. Every night I put it on the night table. One day it was gone and I searched everywhere for it.
On another visit a locket disappeared. I always kept it in the same place in my luggage. It was a gift. My brother must have heard me telling my parents how much it meant to me.
Another visit. This time a t-shirt with a logo that had great significance to me disappeared. I searched everywhere for it.
Years later when my brother was released from prison and living with me, the locket and t-shirt showed up in my stuff. We were friendly then. That's when I realized he stole things from people for revenge, for a perceived wrong to him. He's a sick puppy.
Two years ago I bought a bright yellow t-shirt and happened to mention to him that it was my favorite color. Three months later the t-shirt was missing. I never found it. He always denies seeing the "lost" items.
A friend gave me a calendar with daily inspirational messages for women. I went out of town for the weekend and never saw it again. I kept wondering if I had taken it with me? Or did I put it somewhere? The only explanation is that he stole it.
He stole my metal cat litter scoop (he doesn't like my cats), and the following week my fingernail brush disappeared. I confronted him on these two items, saying I was positive he had stolen them. His answer was "you must be feeling guilty about something." Huh? Now I think what he was saying is that I must be feeling guilty because I had "wronged" him. Therefore, he stole in revenge. His twisted thought pattern must be, "you hurt me, I hurt you." Right. You know this. You know you cannot trust him, so don't.
Date: Sunday, August 06, 2000
Covert abuse from my husband:
Any mistake I make is due to my disorganization, laziness etc. Every mistake he makes somehow turns around to be somehow my fault...even if I am not there at the time!
Any time the children do something wrong it is not because they are normal children who are learning, but the way "I am raising them".
Wants to have a say with what and how the children are raised without any of the duties of raising them.
He is the breadwinner and that is all.. expects me to do everything else even though I go until bedtime and he stops after work. When confronted he explains, if you think it is so easy then you go out and get a job and I will stay home.
Acknowledges and agrees with things that people say, even though when I have said it in the past it was "not right".
Insists to me and others that he is "happy" to help me with the children or chores or anything I ask. All I have to do is ask him. Like clockwork he conveniently has an excuse why he can not fulfill this obligation because of something he "must" do.
Very passive-aggressive. Very frustrating. You're not going to change this.
Date: Monday, August 07, 2000